This simply astonishes me.
Date: Jun 19th, 2005 7:39:55 am - Subscribe
Mood: mad
What I'm hearing: Acceptance-Phantoms
I'm back. More confused than ever before. This week my world has been rocked more than once. I've seen how fragile life can be in more ways than one. I feel as dramatic as ever. I feel like nobody will ever understand me, because I don't understand me. I've looked into their eyes and seen pain and suffering, and above all, confusion and bewilderment. I've seen acceptance, I've seen regret for times lost, for mistakes made. I've seen strength and confidence, and then for a slight moment, the true fear comes to surface. I don't believe what I'm seeing. I never thought it would be that way. I don't understand why. The old cliche "God works in mysterious ways" comes to mind. This is really fucking mysterious. My entire world seems to be just one gigantic mystery. And what's interesting is that this seems to be happening to me at a time when I feel that I'm pushing God away. I don't know why I'm doing that. Perhaps I felt that I was gaining control over things and finally getting a grip. But now I think I see that I can't just take my winnings and run. It's a constant relationship that needs attention. We are codependent.
I worry over the stupidest things. I don't like to be stressed, but it gives me something to do. I can't stand the mess I've become. I can't stand to have the thoughts that I sometimes have. I often disgust myself. Why can't I feel comfortable in my own skin? Why do I feel so incredibly alien in my world? Why? I sometimes don't wish to even maintain consciousness. Those are the worst times, when my thoughts drift.
In the past week, I've had the urge to do something incredibly stupid. To just take off on a whim and not think about it at all. I need to do a little soul searching. I want to go someplace far from here, just to self reflect and to gather my thoughts. To figure out what it is that I want from myself. This wouldn't be possible. Well, it would be, but not without consequences. But in the climax of my drunken need for change, that doesn't even matter to me. I'm tired of being the one that everyone depends on. I'm tired of having to never make a mistake. I'm tired of pretending to be perfect. I don't want to have this image anymore. For once in my life, I want to do something incredibly stupid. If not to learn something deeper about myself, then to just have a good story to tell. Even if nobody hears it but me, I want to have that. I have thousands of options, some of them actually possible without any major damage. But that wouldn't be as fulfilling, would it?
Most of the time, I can't stand being around other people. I most especially hate it when people cling to me. In all of my close relationships in my life, I've always grown tired and disgusted of them once the other person pushes themself too close to me. I don't want that. Yet, one of my biggest fears is that I"ll be alone. Alone, alone. In the long run. I don't want to die 80 years old and not have anyone there to be my side, or I don't want to be 80 years old and not have somebody whose side I once stood by.
I can't believe that I have absolutely nothing figured out. This simply astonishes me. I could write for days and not even approach an answer.
Comments: (1)
miranda - June 20th, 2005 |
