|Forever just doesn't seem long enough. The time between now and when my forever starts doesn't seem to be passing quickly enough. Time doesn't seem to be something that I can manipulate, rather it seems to manipulate me. And it does it a damn good job of it, too. I'm so disgusted at the lack of effort here. I am honestly trying to contribute, and for a while, I thought you were too. Yet, still the same old subjects cause the same old, ugly reactions. I don't want this. I want to run. I want to escape. But I'm still bound here. At least now I have a destination. I want to hit the reset button of my life. I don't want to die, I want to truly live. The way people place their unreasonable, Hollywood expectations on you is completely undeserved. The only person's whose expectations should matter are my own, but why then do I find myself bending over backwards to meet the superficial needs of others? Am I not as special as I thought I was? At the end of the day, I feel so emotionally drained that it disgusts me. Everyday is like an epic war that costs me all my energy, all my willpower, all my thoughts, all my emotions. I'm a caffeinated shell of a real person who must resort to posting anonymously on the Internet. But, I'll keep doing it day after day. I'll keep my chin up, put a smile on my face, sip my Red Bull, and continue living this .... life ... until I'm able to move on. It's so cliche.|
Even the smallest smile on my part is a welcome escape from this seemingly never-ending cycle and routine. Today brought me distraction and amusment, although it was short lived. I'm slowly learning that while you can temporarily postpone your problems and your life, you can not ignore it forever. Problems do not like to be ignored and left to fester, this only makes them worse. At the same time though, I haven't the slightest idea how to effectively approach these problems. I yearn for an answer, but where can I find it? I search deep within myself, but alas, I can't seem to produce any feasible solution. Am I waiting for it from God? Or has it already been given to me and I'm just too naive to see it? I hate having to toil through these problems in the silence of my mind and the click-clack of the keyboard, but there isn't any other way to do so. Not without being judged. Nobody wants to be judged. I don't want to be judged. I want to belong. I want to be accepted. Not just by those around me, but by my own life. By my own mind. I'll continue to hide out underneath this laughter, behind my smile, never letting on to anyone about what is really going. And that one time I did almost slip up? The time I did almost let out what bothers me? Needless to say, my mind is already putting in place the necessary defensives to try and prevent any further release of ... feeelings to this person. Isn't it safer this way? Will anybody ever know this way? Is this way the right way?
Why are there always more questions than answers? Why are there always questions resulting from the answers? Why? Most importantly, what do I do next?
|In the middle of the day, when I'm nothing but a speck in the crowd, I let my mind wander. The sound of everyone me is deafening. Life is so sloud that I'm not able to focus on the task at hand. Instead, I find that I withdraw myself from any type of social interaction. Not even the slightest invitation, the small suggestion will get through my defenses. With my self-cleared schedule, I waste the time by splashing about in the oceans of my mind. Drowning in self-pity, trying to stay afloat in the sea of doubt. I'm thrashing about, beggin for the attention of a lifeqguard, only I just remembered that I chased them all away. In the depths of my heart and mind I know that I don't want to be so utterly alone, but why do I keep doing it this way? Why am I bringing this upon myself? I know the answer. What's familiar is easier to deal with than the unknown. I don't want to risk opening mysel fup to somebody else, out of fear of rejection or judgement. Instead, I force myself to close up at the slightest notion or faintest hint of somebody breaking through. Then something happens that makes me realize that I'm not the center of the world, that my problems aren't the biggest obstacle at hand. Somebody else's situation is more important, and they've been dealing with it in silence. How could I be so blind? How could I be so ignorant? How could I be so self-absorbed? Fuck. That's all there is to it.|
Just like always. I think I'm the most alone, most abandoned, most misunderstood being in the universe. Poof. I'm proven wrong. Somebody else does understand. Somebody else has the same problems. Somebody else with the world against them. That makes two of us. At least things are somewhat easier knowing you're not going through it alone.
Fast forward to the future. I see what I want. A large, spacious, old house. Not this mass produced, Spanish influenced, stucco-attacked nonsense. I want a home from a time where quality still meant something. I want a home filled with life, filled with pictures, filled with plants, filled with scents, filled with sounds. Laughter, music, dancing, cooking, fresh air. Two floors. Candles always burning. Friends always there. A guest room that looks lived in, because it will be. People will always be welcome, people will always be wanted. I'm not sure if I want to share it with somebody else, I can't predict the future. I want a huge yard, with a garden. Colors during the spring and summer. Muted during the fall and winter. I want my car in the driveway, but I want to be able to walk everywhere.. And a wrap around porch. Stained glass windows. Victorian chandeliers. Jesus Christ, I'm more old-fashioned than I thought. All this time I was trying to escape the life I was given, and instead of escaping it, I've simply moved it to the opposite coast. I think that is what is most significant. It won't be here. I need a fresh start. I need it to be me. Otherwise it'll never work.
Same theme. New order of letters to create a different string of words. Still the same underlying emotions causing them all. Fear. Distrust. Emotions shouldn't dictate who I am. Sure, they're important in the here and the now, but often times emotions are irrational and overreactions to problems and situations. Always try to keep a level head when something happens to you. Be careful of decisions made on the spot, because you always have to deal with the consequences of them afterwards. Instead I'll bite my tongue. I'll bite my tongue, and I'll keep biting until it feels like I'm bleeding. Nobody else but me
That's fine with me. I like it that way. I love extracting my soul out through language. By putting it in plain sight, I can analyze and think about it better. However, 26 letters can only go so far in describing the infinite amount of emotions and thoughts that swirl through my mind every time I sit down to write. Only a few of them are lucky to escape as written words. Others are lost to a distraction. Perhaps a song on the radio, a show on tv, a ringing phone. Others never make it through to the outside world. They remain a synaptic misfire forever lost in my mind. I think I keep them somewhere that I don't even know about. They wait for the day when I've reached a true understanding of myself and those around me, then I'll be able to think them again. I'm still green, but my shaky foundation becomes a little bit more solid and stable with each passing day as I learn new things, have new experiences, and continue to live. Of course, the best is yet to come.