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1st_escape
Waiting for his chance to shine. - Subscribe
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Not really seeing the need, the purpose, the reasoning behind any of these things. I know I'm just going through the motions. I'm trying to pass as an ordinary person. I feel incredibly conscious of myself, as if everyone around me is judging my every move, my every action. Borderlining paranoia follows me around everyday, and I haven't the slightest idea why. Well, okay, maybe I have a slight reason. But I know that not a single soul knows that secret, and I'm not about to let that go. Mystery makes life more interesting. If everybody had all the answers, there wouldn't be much interest to living daily life. Now I can sense my future. I can smell the freedom and the adventure. I can feel independence breathing down on my neck, just tempting me to jump for it. Everyday I want to just drop all of my things, and run out the doors of my high school, and just leave. There isn't a point to all of it. I'm done. I've gotten all I can out of it. There's nothing stopping me now, except everyone else's expectations. But screw them. The only expectations I need to meet are my own. I know it's a horrible thing to plan or to wish, but I don't see any aspect of my current life fitting into my future. I put on this facade, and this show for everyone else everyday, while inside of me, the real person grows anxious, waiting for his chance to shine. The only problem is I don't think my current audience wants to see it. |
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1st_escape
Barely even myself. May 9th, 2005 6:12:26 am - Subscribe
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| This sounds stupid when I say it out loud, and I've never said it to anyone else. Hearing yourself say something that you try to keep buried inside can be liberating. Even if you're the only one who hears it. As the words spill onto my own ears, it makes it more real, and if it's more real, then I can actually touch it and deal with it. It's no longer locked away, with no place to go but my thoughts. I've said it out loud to myself, and to God. Unfortunately, I'm no where near being able to let other people hear it, and I probably won't be for a long time. I don't like having secrets, but I feel I have no choice. There isn't anyone that I can trust. Not anyone. Barely even myself. I have so much more to say, but not nearly enough energy to put it into words. I'm exhausted. |
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1st_escape
Daburu de, kudasai. May 29th, 2005 5:11:14 am - Subscribe
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| I'm sitting here thinking about things that are bothering me. Decisions that I have to make, that I have made, that I will make. I'm thinking about the stupid things that don't really matter in the long run, like changing the oil or vacuuming my room. I'm spending my time writing a to do list with frivolous tasks. I'm dreading going to work tomorrow for 9 hours. I can't get the Team Titans song out of my head. I'm wondering why Denny's took the tuna melt off the menu. I don't understand how my room is messy when I just cleaned it yesterday. I'm thinking about things that could have been, things that should have been. I have regrets, everyone does. I wish I would have handled things differently, or that the universe would at least have had the courtesy to allow me to see the future and decide accordingly. I wonder if God reads blogs, or if you have to offer your thoughts to Him directly. I wonder if my puppy is born yet, and if dogs are reincarnated (That one is directed to You). I wonder if I'll meet somebody new and exciting tomorrow. I just added Red Bull to my shopping list. I'm hoping that honors application will write itself. I hope my things sell on eBay. I've just realized how many times I've used the word "my" in this entry. Candles. Add those to the shopping list. Friday is payday. Steve moved to Texas without telling anyone. I'm really craving a Roy Rogers. Daburu de, kudasai. (Japanese-At-A-Glance is paying off). I can't think of any effective, creative way to end this rant. Peace. |
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1st_escape
Background music blurs my thoughts. May 31st, 2005 4:25:07 am - Subscribe
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Background music blurs my thoughts Waiting, thinking, praying These dreams fuse with reality Giving me an anticipating perception Of all the things around me Sometimes thinking it isn't worth it Maybe you're not worth it Maybe. Ordinary, regular, somewhat boring Absolutely not. I see you salvation. I have to walk all the way to the back of BevMo so I can get to the soda aisles Somewhat lame. Rollercoaster ride every day Decode my thoughts, ha ha Don't worry, you'll find her Things are this way Don't know why Don't know how Doesn't really matter to anyone else Just as long as you Know It can be a very powerful thing, a driving force, a guiding light As long as you let it Help doesn't come unless you ask, embrace it, for it isn't always in the form you might expect. |