Thank goodness I know how to swim
Date: Sep 21st, 2008 8:13:57 am - Subscribe
Mood: twitchy
What I'm hearing: Pearl Jam
Too many things around me are changing. And this isn't turning out the way I planned. I'm not really sure why I am surprised by this. Things never really went to plan before, and it is not like I had a guarantee from God that He would go along with my notions this time. So, like every other time, I will have to go with flow. That is all I can do. Sometimes I just wish I could see over the crest of the wave to where we are headed. Before it all comes crashing to shore. Thank goodness I know how to swim.
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Just to feel alive.
Date: Mar 17th, 2008 5:49:42 am - Subscribe
Mood: frazzled
What I'm hearing: TRS
I walk by the corner market, basking in the California sun.
When the smogs rolls through the sky,
and mimics the feeling I have become.
I watch the smoke trailing,
from my cigarette,
and look to God for the chance to forget.
All these thoughts roll through my mind,
breaking down the walls,
I had built once upon a time.
I had hoped to forget.
Once I had forgiven.
I had hoped to live truly,
In this time that I'm living.
I always have my sunglasses,
in case your light is too bright.
I always have a dollar,
for coffee at midnight.
In search of life,
I read books that taught me...
nothing.
Because that is all that is known.
Take my time,
that is fine,
take my time,
until I find
that which is missing,
that I already have,
that I know is out there.
My youthful optimism,
is my strongest drive,
faster than a speeding car
and I roll down the windows,
looking for the breeze,
just to feel alive.
Just to feel alive.
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One More Attempt at the Last Time
Date: Feb 13th, 2008 7:19:40 am - Subscribe
Mood: manipulative
What I'm hearing: Mariana's Trench
The smoke swirls around in front of my eyes.
I tell myself again, "this is the last time."
I have already planned the ceremonious act in my head. I have adapted the ritual from previous attempts. Trying to romanticize that which is killing me (Doesn't that sound familiar?).
These are the choices I have made. I know this in my mind, but do I really understand what it means? I am playing with my own time.
Maybe, just maybe, I like to be in control of something in my life, even if destroys me. I know you can't control that behavior in others.
On the path to acceptance. On the path to .... somewhere. I can't really see that far in the distance. Is the smoke, or the fear, or the denial blocking my view?
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Boggled by a Drop of Iron
Date: Feb 8th, 2008 5:25:44 am - Subscribe
Mood: dramatic
What I'm hearing: Say Anything
Right now, flowing through my bloodstream, pulsing through my veins, there is but a single drop of iron. My body needs this. The iron flows through my heart, being pumped through my body. It flows through my mind, past the memories of years gone past, friendships gone stale, relationships destroyed. Still, this drop of iron flows. Bits of it, in my fingers, as I type this very message. This iron was not created for me. It is part of the static, already determined supply of iron in our universe. No more can be created, and it cannot be destroyed. Before, I was born, this iron belonged somewhere else. A million years ago, was it but a piece of iron ore, buried deep within the earth, perhaps in a place I have never even been. But still, the same drop of iron persists through to today. And it will continue after I am gone. I am simply the keeper of this small bit of the universe during the limited window of my life. And so it is with every other component of my being. I am connected to the rest of the universe. I am constructed of "borrowed parts," we all are. We are innately tied to everything and everyone else. We can not separate ourselves from the rest of the world, no matter how hard we try.
My mind is completely, and utterly boggled.
"If I die and go to hell real soon,
it will appear to me as this room,
and for eternity I lay in bed."
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Christmas is Coming (so are finals...)
Date: Dec 12th, 2005 9:00:31 am - Subscribe
Mood: Just happy.
What I'm hearing: Sugarland
The first quarter is winding down to a close. Finals are this week. How do I feel about my first quarter at college? Fantastic. Overall, that is. Sure, I'm stressed about finals this week, but I feel confident I'll do well. Tests were never that much of an obstacle for me, especially not in subjects that I'm interested in. I'm thrilled with the way my classes went this quarter. College is more fantastic than I imagined. I just feel so free, and so... valued. I love my job, and I can't wait to actually start driving. I'm learning to just accept who I am and be comfortable with that. I'm learning that this is the only life I have to live, so I better make the most of it, do what I want in order to be happy, and help as many people as I can along the way. I'm starting to figure out what things I want out of my life and myself, and frankly, there are a lot of them. But I am getting started. I am excited about going home for the Christmas break and being to just relax with my family for a few days. This Christmas is going to be fantastic, I think. I am also excited about coming home to Davis a few days early to hopefully finish my bus training. I truly feel that I have made the right choice, and that Davis is the beginning of the exciting journey that is my life.
Although, not everything is hunky dory for me here. I am very annoyed and stressed by this Lacey situation. I didn't ask to be put into it, and I have no idea how to handle it. I've always felt awkward in these situations, where a girl likes me and I don't really like her back. And every time, it is really awkward and alters the relationship permanently afterwards. Only this time it will be more difficult and awkward because we have the same circle of friends and we all live together. I don't think I should feel so consumed and annoyed by this though, since it isn't really my fault. It wouldn't bother me except for the fact that she treats everyone else like they are inferior, and so she causes a lot of tension in the group. I know they already deal with a lot from her because of how she feels about me, and I feel really bad about that. I just want to enjoy my coming Christmas break, and my entire year at college. And I dont' want something as stupid as drama to hinder it.
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