Her.
Date: Oct 30th, 2005 12:20:07 am - Subscribe
Mood: longing
What I'm hearing: Something Corporate-Leaving Through The Window
I want a girl that I can talk to. I want a girl who dresses up, who is beautiful, but isn't sure if she is. I want to be the one to tell her. I want a girl who cares about something. I want to care about her. I want a girl who wants to talk to me, and who is interested in what I have to say. I want to bring her home to my parents, and have them nod their heads in approval after dinner is over. I want her to be mysterious, so everyday is a new adventure. I want to be pushed to do things I've never done before. Fuck, I want the movies. I was close to having that before, but... it didn't work. I'll admit, I got hurt, and now I'm.... afraid? I don't know if that's the right word. Part of me is scared, scared of getting hurt again. I know that is a risk you have to take. But part of me just also doesn't want to waste my time on something that is.... frivolous. That's why I don't have somebody. I know I could, but I haven't really found someone I could fall for, not after what happened between me and... her. I wish all my "friends" would get off my back about that. I don't like to pour myself out to too many people, that has ended ugly for me in the past. I find the pen to be a more trusting confidant. Although, there is a girl whom the more I see, the more I want to see. I just hope I can pull myself together enough to not fuck it up.
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Undescribable.
Date: Oct 11th, 2005 5:37:28 am - Subscribe
Mood: smashing
What I'm hearing: Aaron Sprinkle
I'm embracing the sun. Or trying to. I've gotten a small taste as to the warmth that the world can offer me. And I can't get enough. The taste of endless possibilities fills my soul. I have been lifted to a place that I have not ever been to before. The words and the sounds flow off my tongue to form the sensual and exotic syllables of language. I can't shake this feeling and I don't want to. I feel consumed to only heighten my high, and that's exactly what I'm here for. God, I'm excited.
But something still feels like it's missing. And I can pinpoint exactly what it is, yet I have no idea what it really is. I've come close to having it before, but that's ancient history. It didn't work then, but I want it to work now. I think actively looking for what I want only causes my desire to clout my judgement. I want substance to take precedence, even if that means waiting. This is all so new. I'm finally here, I've finally made it to a stage in life that I was starting to question if it even existed.
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And it begins...
Date: Sep 26th, 2005 6:27:39 am - Subscribe
Mood: jazzed
What I'm hearing: Weezer-Beverly Hills
So I'm starting my first year at college. I just moved in this weekend, and I'm pretty excited. I think dorm life is going to be fun. It's kind of weird not living at home anymore. Once you're used to something for your whole life, a sudden dramatic change is kind of weird. But I love it so far. Classes start this week. I want to start over. Better than before. Later.
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I don't like to lie.
Date: Jun 25th, 2005 7:30:42 am - Subscribe
Mood: fake
What I'm hearing: The Goo Goo Dolls
I don't understand. Why is it that I feel so compelled to lie? Would it be so bad to tell them the truth. Yes it would. I can't wait for the day when I'll have freedom, and not have to run everything by somebody. Bah! In the meantime, I have to do some damage control to make sure everyone has their story straight. Ugh, why is this difficult?
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This simply astonishes me.
Date: Jun 19th, 2005 7:39:55 am - Subscribe
Mood: mad
What I'm hearing: Acceptance-Phantoms
I'm back. More confused than ever before. This week my world has been rocked more than once. I've seen how fragile life can be in more ways than one. I feel as dramatic as ever. I feel like nobody will ever understand me, because I don't understand me. I've looked into their eyes and seen pain and suffering, and above all, confusion and bewilderment. I've seen acceptance, I've seen regret for times lost, for mistakes made. I've seen strength and confidence, and then for a slight moment, the true fear comes to surface. I don't believe what I'm seeing. I never thought it would be that way. I don't understand why. The old cliche "God works in mysterious ways" comes to mind. This is really fucking mysterious. My entire world seems to be just one gigantic mystery. And what's interesting is that this seems to be happening to me at a time when I feel that I'm pushing God away. I don't know why I'm doing that. Perhaps I felt that I was gaining control over things and finally getting a grip. But now I think I see that I can't just take my winnings and run. It's a constant relationship that needs attention. We are codependent.
I worry over the stupidest things. I don't like to be stressed, but it gives me something to do. I can't stand the mess I've become. I can't stand to have the thoughts that I sometimes have. I often disgust myself. Why can't I feel comfortable in my own skin? Why do I feel so incredibly alien in my world? Why? I sometimes don't wish to even maintain consciousness. Those are the worst times, when my thoughts drift.
In the past week, I've had the urge to do something incredibly stupid. To just take off on a whim and not think about it at all. I need to do a little soul searching. I want to go someplace far from here, just to self reflect and to gather my thoughts. To figure out what it is that I want from myself. This wouldn't be possible. Well, it would be, but not without consequences. But in the climax of my drunken need for change, that doesn't even matter to me. I'm tired of being the one that everyone depends on. I'm tired of having to never make a mistake. I'm tired of pretending to be perfect. I don't want to have this image anymore. For once in my life, I want to do something incredibly stupid. If not to learn something deeper about myself, then to just have a good story to tell. Even if nobody hears it but me, I want to have that. I have thousands of options, some of them actually possible without any major damage. But that wouldn't be as fulfilling, would it?
Most of the time, I can't stand being around other people. I most especially hate it when people cling to me. In all of my close relationships in my life, I've always grown tired and disgusted of them once the other person pushes themself too close to me. I don't want that. Yet, one of my biggest fears is that I"ll be alone. Alone, alone. In the long run. I don't want to die 80 years old and not have anyone there to be my side, or I don't want to be 80 years old and not have somebody whose side I once stood by.
I can't believe that I have absolutely nothing figured out. This simply astonishes me. I could write for days and not even approach an answer.
Comments: (1)