This simply astonishes me.
Date: Jun 19th, 2005 2:39:55 am - Subscribe
Mood: mad
What I'm hearing: Acceptance-Phantoms
I'm back. More confused than ever before. This week my world has been rocked more than once. I've seen how fragile life can be in more ways than one. I feel as dramatic as ever. I feel like nobody will ever understand me, because I don't understand me. I've looked into their eyes and seen pain and suffering, and above all, confusion and bewilderment. I've seen acceptance, I've seen regret for times lost, for mistakes made. I've seen strength and confidence, and then for a slight moment, the true fear comes to surface. I don't believe what I'm seeing. I never thought it would be that way. I don't understand why. The old cliche "God works in mysterious ways" comes to mind. This is really fucking mysterious. My entire world seems to be just one gigantic mystery. And what's interesting is that this seems to be happening to me at a time when I feel that I'm pushing God away. I don't know why I'm doing that. Perhaps I felt that I was gaining control over things and finally getting a grip. But now I think I see that I can't just take my winnings and run. It's a constant relationship that needs attention. We are codependent.
I worry over the stupidest things. I don't like to be stressed, but it gives me something to do. I can't stand the mess I've become. I can't stand to have the thoughts that I sometimes have. I often disgust myself. Why can't I feel comfortable in my own skin? Why do I feel so incredibly alien in my world? Why? I sometimes don't wish to even maintain consciousness. Those are the worst times, when my thoughts drift.
In the past week, I've had the urge to do something incredibly stupid. To just take off on a whim and not think about it at all. I need to do a little soul searching. I want to go someplace far from here, just to self reflect and to gather my thoughts. To figure out what it is that I want from myself. This wouldn't be possible. Well, it would be, but not without consequences. But in the climax of my drunken need for change, that doesn't even matter to me. I'm tired of being the one that everyone depends on. I'm tired of having to never make a mistake. I'm tired of pretending to be perfect. I don't want to have this image anymore. For once in my life, I want to do something incredibly stupid. If not to learn something deeper about myself, then to just have a good story to tell. Even if nobody hears it but me, I want to have that. I have thousands of options, some of them actually possible without any major damage. But that wouldn't be as fulfilling, would it?
Most of the time, I can't stand being around other people. I most especially hate it when people cling to me. In all of my close relationships in my life, I've always grown tired and disgusted of them once the other person pushes themself too close to me. I don't want that. Yet, one of my biggest fears is that I"ll be alone. Alone, alone. In the long run. I don't want to die 80 years old and not have anyone there to be my side, or I don't want to be 80 years old and not have somebody whose side I once stood by.
I can't believe that I have absolutely nothing figured out. This simply astonishes me. I could write for days and not even approach an answer.
Comments: (1)
The mental to-do list spills into cyberspace.
Date: Jun 12th, 2005 2:35:55 am - Subscribe
Mood: virtuous
What I'm hearing: Relient K-MmHmm
Jesus Christ, I need to blog. I'm so ridiculously tired though, that it'll have to wait.
-new dog
-sisters
-alcohol
-girls
-friends
-God
-big plan
-Georgia
-mail
-summer
-work
-ugh...
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Background music blurs my thoughts.
Date: May 30th, 2005 11:25:07 pm - Subscribe
Mood: misplaced
What I'm hearing: Stroke 9-Nasty Little Thoughts
Background music blurs my thoughts
Waiting, thinking, praying
These dreams fuse with reality
Giving me an anticipating perception
Of all the things around me
Sometimes thinking it isn't worth it
Maybe you're not worth it
Maybe.
Ordinary, regular, somewhat boring
Absolutely not.
I see you salvation.
I have to walk all the way to the back of BevMo
so I can get to the soda aisles
Somewhat lame.
Rollercoaster ride every day
Decode my thoughts, ha ha
Don't worry, you'll find her
Things are this way
Don't know why
Don't know how
Doesn't really matter to anyone else
Just as long as you Know
It can be a very powerful thing,
a driving force, a guiding light
As long as you let it
Help doesn't come unless you ask,
embrace it, for it isn't always
in the form you might expect.
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Daburu de, kudasai.
Date: May 29th, 2005 12:11:14 am - Subscribe
Mood: crestfallen
What I'm hearing: Stroke 9 \"Nasty Little Thoughts\"
I'm sitting here thinking about things that are bothering me. Decisions that I have to make, that I have made, that I will make. I'm thinking about the stupid things that don't really matter in the long run, like changing the oil or vacuuming my room. I'm spending my time writing a to do list with frivolous tasks. I'm dreading going to work tomorrow for 9 hours. I can't get the Team Titans song out of my head. I'm wondering why Denny's took the tuna melt off the menu. I don't understand how my room is messy when I just cleaned it yesterday. I'm thinking about things that could have been, things that should have been. I have regrets, everyone does. I wish I would have handled things differently, or that the universe would at least have had the courtesy to allow me to see the future and decide accordingly. I wonder if God reads blogs, or if you have to offer your thoughts to Him directly. I wonder if my puppy is born yet, and if dogs are reincarnated (That one is directed to You). I wonder if I'll meet somebody new and exciting tomorrow. I just added Red Bull to my shopping list. I'm hoping that honors application will write itself. I hope my things sell on eBay. I've just realized how many times I've used the word "my" in this entry. Candles. Add those to the shopping list. Friday is payday. Steve moved to Texas without telling anyone. I'm really craving a Roy Rogers. Daburu de, kudasai. (Japanese-At-A-Glance is paying off). I can't think of any effective, creative way to end this rant. Peace.
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Barely even myself.
Date: May 9th, 2005 1:12:26 am - Subscribe
Mood: cautious
What I'm hearing: A Thorn for Every Heart
This sounds stupid when I say it out loud, and I've never said it to anyone else. Hearing yourself say something that you try to keep buried inside can be liberating. Even if you're the only one who hears it. As the words spill onto my own ears, it makes it more real, and if it's more real, then I can actually touch it and deal with it. It's no longer locked away, with no place to go but my thoughts. I've said it out loud to myself, and to God. Unfortunately, I'm no where near being able to let other people hear it, and I probably won't be for a long time. I don't like having secrets, but I feel I have no choice. There isn't anyone that I can trust. Not anyone. Barely even myself. I have so much more to say, but not nearly enough energy to put it into words. I'm exhausted.
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