Waiting for his chance to shine.
Date: May 2nd, 2005 1:24:30 am - Subscribe
Mood: perplexed
What I'm hearing: Ultimate Dance Party 1997
Not really seeing the need, the purpose, the reasoning behind any of these things. I know I'm just going through the motions. I'm trying to pass as an ordinary person. I feel incredibly conscious of myself, as if everyone around me is judging my every move, my every action. Borderlining paranoia follows me around everyday, and I haven't the slightest idea why. Well, okay, maybe I have a slight reason. But I know that not a single soul knows that secret, and I'm not about to let that go. Mystery makes life more interesting. If everybody had all the answers, there wouldn't be much interest to living daily life.
Now I can sense my future. I can smell the freedom and the adventure. I can feel independence breathing down on my neck, just tempting me to jump for it. Everyday I want to just drop all of my things, and run out the doors of my high school, and just leave. There isn't a point to all of it. I'm done. I've gotten all I can out of it. There's nothing stopping me now, except everyone else's expectations. But screw them. The only expectations I need to meet are my own. I know it's a horrible thing to plan or to wish, but I don't see any aspect of my current life fitting into my future. I put on this facade, and this show for everyone else everyday, while inside of me, the real person grows anxious, waiting for his chance to shine. The only problem is I don't think my current audience wants to see it.
Comments: (1)
To scream. To breathe. To live.
Date: Apr 27th, 2005 5:44:52 pm - Subscribe
Mood: unhealthy
What I'm hearing: Several Ways to Die Trying by Dashboard Confessional
I'm sitting here, ready to cry my eyes out. And for what? For nothing. There is absolutely no reason at all. Only self-pity. My own shitty feelings have finally come up to the surface and taken control of my entire body, most notably my tear ducts. The entire whirlwind events of my past year have all flown together and and taken my mind siege this very day. April 27, 2005. The Day I Had A Nervous Breakdown. Everything that I've been trying so hard to hide from, ignore, or bury has all of a sudden become all I can think about. No matter how hard I try, all my mind can focus on is my failures, my desires, and I have none of the big things that I want out of life. Somebody hand me a knife because I'm tired of thinking of these things. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I need a distraction. I wish there was a giant pill that I could swallow and it would put everything into perspective, and I would know that things would be alright. But I don't have that. I haven't the slightest if anything will turn out even remotely okay. I sat down today, so completely overcome by the ... desire for human contact (I guess you could call it a remote type of lust) that it was all I could do to stop myself from breaking down right there on the spot. If there is one thing I've learned, it's that I should never ever let those things come out in public. I've been judged too much recently, and I'm not willing or able to go through that again. I crave with every fiber of my being, with every particle of my soul, with every thought of my mind to have somebody, anybody. I don't even care anymore. I wonder if there is even any purpose to why we're here, or if it is just some crude joke. If God is up there, can He please explain things to me??? I need an answer. I need a person to talk to. I need so many things. And if that isn't enough, I feel like shit because I know my life isn't that bad compared to so many others, but the point is this is my life, and this is how I feel, and the best thing to do is to deal with that. I think I'm going insane sitting here in this house, in this room, all alone with my thoughts. All of this is coming together to a single endpoint in the near future, and I just hope I survive the journey until then. I don't understand what makes me feel this way. One minute, I'll be on top of the world, the next I'll want to beat the shit of myself. That isn't right, that isn't normal.
I NEED TO SCREAM. TO BREATHE. TO LIVE.
So I guess there's nothing left for me to do but do it.
Comments: (0)
Quit trying to impress me or change me.
Date: Apr 27th, 2005 1:50:32 am - Subscribe
Mood: furious
What I'm hearing: \"My Eyes Burn\" by Matchbook Romance.
People whom I thought were my friends have changed so much. It's not okay to treat other people like this. I always thought you were the one I could trust, it seemed like you were the only other person who "got it." And now you go and pull this shit on me? Fuck that. I get all of that too much from other people. I will not tolerate it from you as well. If you want to be my friend, start treating me like one. I'm not your personal puppet, here for only your amusement. Sure, I don't deny it. I've changed, too. But not in the same way as you. I'm not hurting you. I'm not using you. I know that together, the two of you have manipulated me before... and you know what really pisses me off? You were both doing it for your own selfish means. Fuck that. You can not pull me in two separate directions. You can not convince to join your side or theirs. I'm not on anybody's side; I don't want to be. The way you both act completely disgusts me. And to think, I once considered us as close as friends can be. The two of you play dirty, and I'm out of this game. I don't need this. I don't need people like you. Quit trying to impress me or to change me. Your lies and deceit will only come crashing down once the truth is out. The truth just came out. And I'm pissed. It's going to take something that you've never given me in order to fix things. It's going to take your honesty. I don't want to turn every single damned moment into politics. I'm sick of trying to keep track of who you like and who you don't like, who you talk to and who you don't, whom you deem stupid and whom you deem cool. You have absolutely no authority in the universe as far as judging is concerned. And neither do I. I've realized that, and now that I have, I absolutely can not go back.
Comments: (0)
Nothing can stop me.
Date: Apr 24th, 2005 3:53:46 pm - Subscribe
Mood: spirited
What I'm hearing: From the Screen to Your Stereo by New Found Glory
A milestone of adolescence. Passed just like any other night. Nothing extremely excited, if anything it was awkward. Fun, but awkward. I'm glad to be closing that stage, it's too much work, and it never really fit my personality. I'm in the home stretch now. The finish line is within my grasp. All it's going to take is that one last burst of energy to get me across. I have the motivation now, nothing can stop me. Not a damn thing.
Comments: (0)
All I know is nothing.
Date: Apr 22nd, 2005 5:05:23 pm - Subscribe
Mood: insulted
What I'm hearing: All American Rejects
Somebody brought you up today, and it brought all those tough, bitter memories back to the surface. It made me remember how used I felt. How insignificant. Like some sort of stuffed toy that thinks it is loved by a child, until that one fateful moment when the child gives the toy to the family pitbull. After I stopped talking to you, I felt like insides were exposed for everyone to see. And, unfortunately for me, they weren't made of white cotton, they were made of pure, human matter. Cells. Blood. And then the deeper things that you can't always see. Emotions. Feelings. Thoughts. That was months ago, though, and now I've moved on. (Although my dependence on this blog would suggest otherwise.) I still don't quite understand what actually happened. Did I even do anything wrong? My memory has distorted the events to fit this vision of my life that I've created myself. If I become so completely overdramatic, it somewhat mutes the pain that I actually did feel. I don't want to get even close to that ever again. I can't imagine myself even trying. Isn't that...abnormal? Of course, I don't know who dictates normal, but I'm sure that They would say being alone does not fit the definition. Is it so wrong if I don't see myself with anyone but me? Of course, I know the real reasons behind this logic. But, it's so much easier if I don't try to fix the cause of this problem, because if I do, if I start to dig that deep, I'm absolutely terrified of what I'm going to find. How is that possible? How can be I so terrified of something that exists inside of me? All I know is ... nothing.
Comments: (1)