http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape The 10 most recent public blogs by 1st_escape Mon, 08 Sep 2008 09:16:56 -0500 Aeonity Blog v2 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/56388 I walk by the corner market, basking in the California sun. When the smogs rolls through the sky, and mimics the feeling I have become. I watch the smoke trailing, from my cigarette, and look to God for the chance to forget. All these thoughts roll through my mind, breaking down the walls, I had built once upon a time. I had hoped to forget. Once I had forgiven. I had hoped to live truly, In this time that I'm living. I always have my sunglasses, in case your light is too bright. I always have a dollar, for coffee at midnight. In search of life, I read books that taught me... nothing. Because that is all that is known. Take my time, that is fine, take my time, until I find that which is missing, that I already have, that I know is out there. My youthful optimism, is my strongest drive, faster than a speeding car and I roll down the windows, looking for the breeze, just to feel alive. Just to feel alive. http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/56388 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/27 Mon, 17 Mar 2008 00:49:42 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/55126 The smoke swirls around in front of my eyes. I tell myself again, "this is the last time." I have already planned the ceremonious act in my head. I have adapted the ritual from previous attempts. Trying to romanticize that which is killing me (Doesn't that sound familiar?). These are the choices I have made. I know this in my mind, but do I really understand what it means? I am playing with my own time. Maybe, just maybe, I like to be in control of something in my life, even if destroys me. I know you can't control that behavior in others. On the path to acceptance. On the path to .... somewhere. I can't really see that far in the distance. Is the smoke, or the fear, or the denial blocking my view? http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/55126 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/26 Wed, 13 Feb 2008 01:19:40 -0600 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/54973 Right now, flowing through my bloodstream, pulsing through my veins, there is but a single drop of iron. My body needs this. The iron flows through my heart, being pumped through my body. It flows through my mind, past the memories of years gone past, friendships gone stale, relationships destroyed. Still, this drop of iron flows. Bits of it, in my fingers, as I type this very message. This iron was not created for me. It is part of the static, already determined supply of iron in our universe. No more can be created, and it cannot be destroyed. Before, I was born, this iron belonged somewhere else. A million years ago, was it but a piece of iron ore, buried deep within the earth, perhaps in a place I have never even been. But still, the same drop of iron persists through to today. And it will continue after I am gone. I am simply the keeper of this small bit of the universe during the limited window of my life. And so it is with every other component of my being. I am connected to the rest of the universe. I am constructed of "borrowed parts," we all are. We are innately tied to everything and everyone else. We can not separate ourselves from the rest of the world, no matter how hard we try. My mind is completely, and utterly boggled. "If I die and go to hell real soon, it will appear to me as this room, and for eternity I lay in bed." http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/54973 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/25 Thu, 07 Feb 2008 23:25:44 -0600 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/24102 The first quarter is winding down to a close. Finals are this week. How do I feel about my first quarter at college? Fantastic. Overall, that is. Sure, I'm stressed about finals this week, but I feel confident I'll do well. Tests were never that much of an obstacle for me, especially not in subjects that I'm interested in. I'm thrilled with the way my classes went this quarter. College is more fantastic than I imagined. I just feel so free, and so... valued. I love my job, and I can't wait to actually start driving. I'm learning to just accept who I am and be comfortable with that. I'm learning that this is the only life I have to live, so I better make the most of it, do what I want in order to be happy, and help as many people as I can along the way. I'm starting to figure out what things I want out of my life and myself, and frankly, there are a lot of them. But I am getting started. I am excited about going home for the Christmas break and being to just relax with my family for a few days. This Christmas is going to be fantastic, I think. I am also excited about coming home to Davis a few days early to hopefully finish my bus training. I truly feel that I have made the right choice, and that Davis is the beginning of the exciting journey that is my life. Although, not everything is hunky dory for me here. I am very annoyed and stressed by this Lacey situation. I didn't ask to be put into it, and I have no idea how to handle it. I've always felt awkward in these situations, where a girl likes me and I don't really like her back. And every time, it is really awkward and alters the relationship permanently afterwards. Only this time it will be more difficult and awkward because we have the same circle of friends and we all live together. I don't think I should feel so consumed and annoyed by this though, since it isn't really my fault. It wouldn't bother me except for the fact that she treats everyone else like they are inferior, and so she causes a lot of tension in the group. I know they already deal with a lot from her because of how she feels about me, and I feel really bad about that. I just want to enjoy my coming Christmas break, and my entire year at college. And I dont' want something as stupid as drama to hinder it. http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/24102 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/24 Mon, 12 Dec 2005 03:00:31 -0600 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/22124 I want a girl that I can talk to. I want a girl who dresses up, who is beautiful, but isn't sure if she is. I want to be the one to tell her. I want a girl who cares about something. I want to care about her. I want a girl who wants to talk to me, and who is interested in what I have to say. I want to bring her home to my parents, and have them nod their heads in approval after dinner is over. I want her to be mysterious, so everyday is a new adventure. I want to be pushed to do things I've never done before. Fuck, I want the movies. I was close to having that before, but... it didn't work. I'll admit, I got hurt, and now I'm.... afraid? I don't know if that's the right word. Part of me is scared, scared of getting hurt again. I know that is a risk you have to take. But part of me just also doesn't want to waste my time on something that is.... frivolous. That's why I don't have somebody. I know I could, but I haven't really found someone I could fall for, not after what happened between me and... her. I wish all my "friends" would get off my back about that. I don't like to pour myself out to too many people, that has ended ugly for me in the past. I find the pen to be a more trusting confidant. Although, there is a girl whom the more I see, the more I want to see. I just hope I can pull myself together enough to not fuck it up. http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/22124 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/23 Sat, 29 Oct 2005 19:20:07 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/21361 I'm embracing the sun. Or trying to. I've gotten a small taste as to the warmth that the world can offer me. And I can't get enough. The taste of endless possibilities fills my soul. I have been lifted to a place that I have not ever been to before. The words and the sounds flow off my tongue to form the sensual and exotic syllables of language. I can't shake this feeling and I don't want to. I feel consumed to only heighten my high, and that's exactly what I'm here for. God, I'm excited. But something still feels like it's missing. And I can pinpoint exactly what it is, yet I have no idea what it really is. I've come close to having it before, but that's ancient history. It didn't work then, but I want it to work now. I think actively looking for what I want only causes my desire to clout my judgement. I want substance to take precedence, even if that means waiting. This is all so new. I'm finally here, I've finally made it to a stage in life that I was starting to question if it even existed. http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/21361 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/22 Tue, 11 Oct 2005 00:37:28 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/20845 So I'm starting my first year at college. I just moved in this weekend, and I'm pretty excited. I think dorm life is going to be fun. It's kind of weird not living at home anymore. Once you're used to something for your whole life, a sudden dramatic change is kind of weird. But I love it so far. Classes start this week. I want to start over. Better than before. Later. http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/20845 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/21 Mon, 26 Sep 2005 01:27:39 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/16280 I don't understand. Why is it that I feel so compelled to lie? Would it be so bad to tell them the truth. Yes it would. I can't wait for the day when I'll have freedom, and not have to run everything by somebody. Bah! In the meantime, I have to do some damage control to make sure everyone has their story straight. Ugh, why is this difficult? http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/16280 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/20 Sat, 25 Jun 2005 02:30:42 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/15867 I'm back. More confused than ever before. This week my world has been rocked more than once. I've seen how fragile life can be in more ways than one. I feel as dramatic as ever. I feel like nobody will ever understand me, because I don't understand me. I've looked into their eyes and seen pain and suffering, and above all, confusion and bewilderment. I've seen acceptance, I've seen regret for times lost, for mistakes made. I've seen strength and confidence, and then for a slight moment, the true fear comes to surface. I don't believe what I'm seeing. I never thought it would be that way. I don't understand why. The old cliche "God works in mysterious ways" comes to mind. This is really fucking mysterious. My entire world seems to be just one gigantic mystery. And what's interesting is that this seems to be happening to me at a time when I feel that I'm pushing God away. I don't know why I'm doing that. Perhaps I felt that I was gaining control over things and finally getting a grip. But now I think I see that I can't just take my winnings and run. It's a constant relationship that needs attention. We are codependent. I worry over the stupidest things. I don't like to be stressed, but it gives me something to do. I can't stand the mess I've become. I can't stand to have the thoughts that I sometimes have. I often disgust myself. Why can't I feel comfortable in my own skin? Why do I feel so incredibly alien in my world? Why? I sometimes don't wish to even maintain consciousness. Those are the worst times, when my thoughts drift. In the past week, I've had the urge to do something incredibly stupid. To just take off on a whim and not think about it at all. I need to do a little soul searching. I want to go someplace far from here, just to self reflect and to gather my thoughts. To figure out what it is that I want from myself. This wouldn't be possible. Well, it would be, but not without consequences. But in the climax of my drunken need for change, that doesn't even matter to me. I'm tired of being the one that everyone depends on. I'm tired of having to never make a mistake. I'm tired of pretending to be perfect. I don't want to have this image anymore. For once in my life, I want to do something incredibly stupid. If not to learn something deeper about myself, then to just have a good story to tell. Even if nobody hears it but me, I want to have that. I have thousands of options, some of them actually possible without any major damage. But that wouldn't be as fulfilling, would it? Most of the time, I can't stand being around other people. I most especially hate it when people cling to me. In all of my close relationships in my life, I've always grown tired and disgusted of them once the other person pushes themself too close to me. I don't want that. Yet, one of my biggest fears is that I"ll be alone. Alone, alone. In the long run. I don't want to die 80 years old and not have anyone there to be my side, or I don't want to be 80 years old and not have somebody whose side I once stood by. I can't believe that I have absolutely nothing figured out. This simply astonishes me. I could write for days and not even approach an answer. http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/15867 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/19 Sun, 19 Jun 2005 02:39:55 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/15492 Jesus Christ, I need to blog. I'm so ridiculously tired though, that it'll have to wait. -new dog -sisters -alcohol -girls -friends -God -big plan -Georgia -mail -summer -work -ugh... http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/blog/15492 http://www.aeonity.com/1st_escape/18 Sun, 12 Jun 2005 02:35:55 -0500