Okay. Woah. Shit.

Well during my very VERY exciting crisis with Adi, fate -very kindly- decides to just, you know, throw in a little more excitement for me. This being in the shape of Matt.

Matt my exboyfriend this is. The boy who I loved for 8 months..who dumped me by text after these 8 months. Who I was still in love with. It's been something like 5 months since we broke up and since then I havn't stopped thinking about him. I compare relationships to him. I want him all the time. With Adi I tried to put him to the back of my head but, -and ask the friends I confide in- Matt was always still there. I havn't seen him since we broke up.

Then..last night..

He was online..and he asked me if I ever thought about getting back together (the guy I imagined HATED me)..and I said 'I would be lying if I said no' because..I don't want to lie. And he came out with all this stuff about still liking me. Alot. Alot Alot. Alot. I was so shocked. Because this is what I have wanted to happen for so long but when it -finally- does I'm in a relationship. I told Matt that. I told him still liked him. I told him he would have to wait. That I didnt know what was going to happen. That I only liked Adi as a friend.

Oh fuck. Last night when he told me cried. I was hysterical. Its been something like 20 hours since then..i'm still hysterical. Well..alot less fortunatly. Oh jesus. I wanted this so bad..and now..I can't have it.

Do i..

a) Stay with Adi and be upset because I only like him as friend. But be happy because hes happy and I still have a great friend. But turn down the one guy I think about all the time. Just for me and Adi to break up in 4 months time or something crap and then not having Matt at the end of it all.

or

b) Break up with Adi. Causing him and me to be upset..for a long time. Probably lose all my mates that are his mates. And end up not being friends. But get together with the guy I have wanted for so long..and be happy because everything will be good. Although could end up with us being crap like we ended up as and me having nothing.

Oh..and by the way. I didn't manage to see Adi today. He's lost his phone apparently and only contacted me (via his mums phone) this morning. Is this a sign? And whatfore? So I couldn't dump him? Or so hes out of my life?

.x.

Well christen me Shitty McShit. Please do it. It should be my name.

I wasn't sure what to put as my name, freaked or fake. I chose freaked due to this convosation:


Emily: So what you been up to today? I did nothing, thank you parents for not letting me out the house.

Adi: Missed you all day. Not joking. I got up 12:30 today..i just lay there thinking about you all morning. I miss you.

Emily: Aww you're cute (in my head: STALKER STALKER STALKER STALKER)

Oh jesus. He's my boyfriend. But how does he feel like that..and I don't. I do feel fake. Its crazy.

Today. And the last few days, have been a little..bittersweet. Hence yesterday's mood. I should be happy. So many good things are happening.. but I can't be. It's really hard.

There were two comments yesterday. The first made me happy because it reminded me how wonderful emoblog is. Sorry..aeonity blog...

The seconed was from a girl called Ev. And somehow..she recognised me from my last account that I left about a month ago. I liked that alot. I realised why I left was stupid. And that I like people. I like Ev.

I should be happy because I'm with Adi. After so long of dithering about. We're finally conjoined. But I don't like it. I'm so scared. I think I only love him as a friend. I don't enjoy kissing him. And I think he may have realised..what with my dispondant behavior..

I just don't know what to do. We're going to go back to school in september and I'm gonna see him once a week. Stupid..different schools.

Speaking to my lovely dave..he understands. We spent the gig last week together..doing emo things. Like crying. Well not so..but almost. We're gonna do it again for the next gig at the Exeter Inn. I miss having friends that I can hang out with alone..without Adi.

I was in love with Adi for 3 months. And now. Not so.

Is this me not being able to cope with a relationship..or me finally falling out of love with him?

Testing.....ho hum