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aya my wish - Subscribe

you's like hulk with just a little bulk and might i say, quite the looker.
never cheated, never been in a fight, never slept with a hooker.

you're funny, you're annoying, you're quirky, you're charming..

you always open the door and pick up things from the floor..its usually coz i drop stuff..BUTTTT..

i get a sneak at your bum
while you reach for that sum'
that i dropped coz i'm clum..sy

NICE ASS,weeshi

i never have to pick up anything around you, it's amusing

i know you's got my back, cut me some slack i don't mean to be mean. not always.

you don't think i'm fat, you think i'm jiggly. that doesn't makes sense but i think you're silly. i love it

you's fashown, you's a bodyguard, you's my closet geek!
i teach you UFC and cars, you teach me shoes and casual chic

you're so gay sometimes.

the way you treat me is now how i think girls should be treated.
girls crush on you left and right and yet, you're not conceited!
i feel like i one upped and level completed!

lakers rule and miami? DEFEATED, sucka!

but seriously..i never knew a guy could be this good to me..haha!

ME: oh fuck, life sucks... then LADY LUCK!! aaaaand KABOOM! *&!@&!??

WISH GRANTED! i have you with your eyes all slanted, with the L bomb planted, and i couldn't stand it! you came running all outta breath and panted (idk if thats a word) and i thought to myself.."yup..he just landed.." ..nailed it!

then came my L bomb. it may have not been the most graceful way to drop that on you, neither was it at the most appropriate of times but cameron diaz in my best friend's wedding said..

"If you love someone... you say it, right then, out loud. Otherwise... the moment just passes you by."

yup i quoted my best friend's wedding.
now don't go all macho! stop pretending.

you liked that movie, didn't you, ya big ol'softy?

my heart is yours please take care of it.
it's been broken many times before but hell it's got quite the fight in it.

it's a good one, i swear.

you think i look like a care bear.

you're a sasquatch with no happy trail.

WORD TO THE WISE..
(you think i'm weird. i don't mind.
you haven't seen half of it, my concubine)

you gotta look at the world in different perspectives! binoculars are fun, ain't it? we can sit around and spy on the neighbors again!

my world is kaleidoscopes and rock shows.
dreams of the parthenon, sex, and snow!
pantera, alanis, cudi, barry freakin' manilow!

i see colors that have never been made and imagine songs that have never been played

gotta mix it up,babyboo! you'll be surprised with what i'ma get ya to do

HONESTY GAME!!

I love you like i've loved you forever.
Its an amusement park when we're together.
Yes, i do mean to "accidentally" brush up against you in public.
Its quite a thrill for me when i get away with it. HAHA!

You're my definition of a sweetheart and i hate when we're a part. you've turned me into such a HUGE sap, you like me sitting on your lap, you're so adorable in a cap, i love when you rap (you memorize every goddamn word), you got me walking into your traps and i get so peeved coz your jokes are lame and I LOVE YOU!

you're the best i ever had, sugarballs.

as a little girl, i made a wish on a star to find someone special. i plan on keeping you

love,..

0 Comments
Mood: ****

aya a pretty epic one for a pretty epic love Dec 6th, 2010 - Subscribe

things have changed. it's been so long since i actually took time to read my previous entries. i have been quite the drama queen, haven't i? i didn't intend to keep writing here actually. i wanted to close the book on this. I guess i'm too attached haha!

so much has changed since my last few entries..which were written so long ago.

i kinda like the idea of writing letters as entries. from now on, this is how i'm going to write. feelings that i do let out on this blog are directed at certain people anyway so it only makes sense.. plus it's fun for me haha!

so..for the very last time that you will be mentioned this way..

for you, my forever..

i loved you. please don't get that wrong or forget that i did. i did more than i knew i was ever capable of loving someone..i believed in you. sometimes, for someone to believe in themselves, others must believe in you first. i'm still glad i did.. i did everything i could to make you happy. it took you breaking my heart one last time before i understood that i, too, deserve to be happy.

i was so mad at you. how could you? how could you leave me like that? you've left me before sure..but like that? really? call me dense but i still do not see how you were capable of such given all the years under our belt..and you knew how crazy i was about you..you got complacent..i'm a strong girl, stronger than a lot i know, but wow..did i let you walk all over me..i let you get away with way too much..

you were good to me when you were. i was so in love with you that every bad thing that did happen would quickly be overshadowed by something good.. i didn't care. i was too into the whole idea of our black comedy, our insane dynamic that people would take stabs at but i didn't care.. i didn't care that your temper was terrible.. i didn't care when you were unreasonable.. i didn't care when you would never apologize.. all i cared about was that i was yours and you were mine.

so i thought.

i know loyalty is rare nowadays. i know i've had my conquests but..while we weren't together, that's the difference. it doesnt excuse me but we were on break when drummer boy happened. an indefinite one..

last year, with mr. bigtime lawyer? man, i didn't even think we had any chance for reconciliation then. both guys, i manage to tell you about when we did decide to work it out. you never asked me what went on and i'm glad you respected my.. privacy? (damn, i dont know if that's even the right term for it)..but you?..you never mentioned squat, love.. it also seemed to slip your mind that when you did have your escapades and whatnot, i was still your girlfriend..i don't even know how many there are..

i felt so stupid when i found out. i felt so..ugly..so insufficient..you knew how sensitive i was after you went for the cheerio.. you saw how much that hurt me.. 'til this very day, that is the worst beating my heart has ever taken.. and honey, i have an intense father..but you take the cake.

(i'm glad i choose to write this now. the entries before this were pretty violent, i'm glad they're made private. it's not something i'd want people to see.)

i'm not mad anymore. i'm not indifferent. if anything and despite everything, i miss you.. i know that you wouldn't be up for making friends anytime soon especially given how everything turned out but hey, you are and always will be a big part of my life. i grew with you. it just.. didn't work out..

i honestly think i was more surprised than you were..i mean, you left me, sweets..and a lot..i never did..and i'd chase you no fail..so imagine my shock, when my love for you just..disappeared..i stopped chasing.

it all happened so unexpectedly. i do want to apologize for having hurt you. you tired me out, dear..i was outta gas. i couldn't even if i tried. but i did for a bit if you recall, you just kept pushing me away. i didn't find someone new right away. you seemed much more over me than i was with you..then things started happening for me and..twas gone..just like that..

QUOTES TIME

"relationships are like glass. sometimes it's better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together." i never really got that quote. i was always so "if you're not willing to risk it all, you don't want it bad enough" but i did, ed.. i risked it all for you over and over. and then i had nothing left. i was out..

and then..i found someone who nursed me back to life. i'm so sorry that it stings as much as it does. believe me, i know how it feels. but please...please understand..you said you do but i don't know for certain..i'd rather you not do that whole "i deserve this. i was bad to you" bull..it's not that..you're making it sound like i went for it to spite you..it just wasn't meant to be anymore..i'm so sorry..

i wanna be your friend. i've talked to people. i've had mixed feelings towards my wanting to be your friend but the way i see it, you have to forgive to forget and you have to forget to feel again..i was so mad at you. i wanted to remain mad at you but i can't na..i realized how irrelevant my anger was whenever my wish made me smile..my weesh..and he makes me smile a lot.

i'm happy..i've forgiven you..i'm not forgetting what you did but i'm forgetting every pain i ever went through with you..its a clean slate..

you don't apologize a lot..but i'm glad you did that last time..it meant a lot to me..i believe you're sincere..we can and should be friends..we've seen it in the past, we make awesome friends..i wouldn't want that to go to waste..clean slate,man..

and yes, i've been happy. you told me that that's all you could hope for for me. and i am.. and i guess i'm glad you're never going to be able to read this because i think i owe a lot of who i am to you. that may sound so -for lack of a better term- kupal but i mean it. you made me stronger..you made me smarter..i know now how big my heart can be..i am not conceited..i don't go off with that whole "ang haba ng hair ko" shit but i know, ed, malaki puso ko..mahaba pasensya ko..hindi na ako papayag na aabusuhin ako ng taong minamahal ko..

now..i'm not in a rush to be your friend again, ok? i just wish you knew. i really really do. you aren't allowing me to speak to you so this is as close as i can get to letting you know my sentiments..

i will always love you, you know..you were my first love.

i wish you all the best..i know how amazing you can be as well!! but your amazing wasn't for me anymore..you will make a girl very very happy one day, i'm sure of it

the girl you will love the way i loved you will be the girl that changes your life. and you will find her. i know it.

love, ..

2 Comments
Mood: ****

aya magic 8 ball Jun 16th, 2010 - Subscribe

again, we are here. it's as if you've never really learned, doll. i am stronger now and that's a fact. i'm sure you've noticed. other than that though, what have you noticed? do you see me flinch when you turn away? i try so hard to keep a straight face. shouldn't you know by now, what i'm actually feeling? or have you let that get passed you too? have you completely forgotten who i am or what i supposedly mean to you?

i wonder if you'd miss me if i made this easier for the both of us. would you remember the good that you so exceptionally disregarded? or would you rather keep this shit up? loathing my flaws.

you're not so perfect yourself, angel.

the difference between you and me, i accept you, all of you, whole heartedly and love even your imperfections.

could it be your pride? is it something so important to you that you must prioritize your own ego with the risk of losing what you know can and has been making you happy? i know about pride. i'm all about pride. but somehow, it's always been a different case with you. i find that i don't need to be this brave, bold, domino harvey character with you. you are who i can be at my most vulnerable with. i have demolished the walls i had built in my growing years for the one person i allowed to get this close to me.

so do not give me that bull about pride.

or could it be..good grief..another ms.another? yes, it's crossed my mind. i can not even come close to explaining how i UNDERSTAND temptation..and through a lot of trial and error, i've learned to draw a line between thinking about it and actually doing it. i love you too much..but if this proves to be a round 2 with the kind of crap you threw at me 2 and a half years ago, i'm leaving your ass, skidmark.

i haven't cried. it's a feat for me. i know i'm stronger now fo'sho. what you're doing is frustrating more than anything but it is gradually hurting me. instead of sulking though, i'm finding i want to do things that would make me happy, make me laugh, make me forget your selfishness and for the lack of a better term, douchebaggery.

and because you have forbidden me to speak to you - as if you were the goddamn prince of bangladesh or something, i can only ask all my questions and make my assumptions here. here, where i don't find any solutions and just end up acknowledging how much you are getting to me.

i'm glad i have my friends. i'm glad that i have the pride and dignity to not allow the cut to get too deep. so yeah, you don't have to worry about me, baby. you're the one without enough balls to step up and say what you need to say.

i'm so close to just making this a done deal...and probably breaking down's a close second..but with the former, i am deathly afraid of the possible consequences that i choose not to weigh at the moment..and with the latter, sweetie, i just don't wanna come off as that pathetic girl again..i wanna be michael corleone, not freddy..

i've done what i can, i've tried as much as i see fit...so the ball's in your court now..sucks that you have that advantage...but honestly, love, in this episode we're in, i don't know if i'm willing to play with you..

0 Comments
Mood: answer me this

aya super bored Feb 15th, 2010 - Subscribe

what if i had super powers? that would be EPIC. nights like these.. and i find nothing interesting to do, i can jump like hayden christensen in jumper and go to egypt..or amsterdam! ...hell i can go to a freakin 711 for all i care, at least the change of venue would keep me excited about something.

or maybe i could just fly. flight would be interesting.. except for the fact that i get motion sickness at times and i probably tinkle more often than most girls do..i'd probably need to bring jingle bags just in case..i can keep them in those compartment contraptions the super heroes have..cape..no..i meant utility belt..fail..

i wouldn't want one of those powers where you could see the future or read minds or anythin like that..too risky of a super power..and not as fun as the previous mentioned two..it'd be scary..hearing everybody's thoughts..i'd probably find out soooo many things..i wouldn't know how to handle all the shit..

or like Rogue. from X-men. god that would suck too. everyone i'd touch would get there life sucked outta them..i'd be walking death..but not like a zombie..i'd cause the death..i can't have sex..i'd have no friends..dayum

oh..and hulk..that wouldnt work..my breasts would look like giant green watermelons..and i'd run out of clothes..

i'm not too sure about being a part of the power rangers either ..they don't have super powers perse but they know martial arts and got this killer robot that fights off huge ass monsters ..but then again ..there'd need to be huge ass monsters for me to kill to be able to use the robot with all its glory ..and its not a very practical vehicle if i'd just wanna go to, lets say, a friend's house ..and parking would be a bitch..

AHA! i can be the avatar!! that would kick so much ass ..oh..but i can't go to 711 instantaneously ..i'd still need a car ..or a flying aid of some sort ..like aang's..

i am so bored

0 Comments
Mood: with a cape made from dusty drapes

aya from a friend Nov 29th, 2009 - Subscribe

a quote i do not want to forget so i have to copy paste it..haha..

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. so don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze her and don't expect more than she can give. smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.

-bob marley

0 Comments
Mood: a love quote that i like..or maybe i like just cause its by bob marley haha!

aya this one's for you Nov 29th, 2009 - Subscribe

so..to you, mr. lawyer

i had so much fun with you. and the fact that there was an agreement between us made everything so much more..mm..naughtier? forbidden?..i'm not quite sure how to put it..but if you read this, i bet you caught my drift.

although you did provide me keys to the v.i.p., i can't say i liked who i was when with you. we were all play..all experimenting..no love..no beyond physical attraction..you signified everything i wasn't when i was with my forever.

and i don't blame you for being the way you were with me. i was like that. i can be like that. and you are not the first. i can be quite loca when i don't wanna take things seriously. i forgot how it felt like. to be bad. to be wanted. to be single and milking it.

and though i may have seen quite game and overly willing then. it might have just been because i was forcing myself to become a person with no remnance of the forever. i wanted to be someone who did not remind me of him. so i became a someone who was appropriate for you. a penny lane. a liv tyler in aerosmith's crazy. rock and roll, baby.

but no..i'm not that anymore. and i dont wanna be..i can't deny that a part of me that is ms.tyler is alive and kicking but she is put into good use in my relationship now. gotta keep things spicy, y'know.

so i guess..i'd wanna thank you and apologize. i am sorry for using you as a tool, although i wasn't aware of it then, i know now that what i wanted from you is to help me realize what i really wanted. we may have had an agreement but still i am sorry for having to introduced to that side of me. who you now probably think of as some wild woo girl who would climb on a mechanical bull just for the hell of it.

i thank you just the same. for being my drug. despite all the shit going on that i refused to see, you kept me sedated, you kept me motivated. may have been for the wrong reasons but from what i've heard, your forever is back in your arms as well. we were each others' "transition" people. its quite sweet if you think about it.

that's all. i'm just voicing out. we never got the chance to end things on a good note. not that my anonymous blog would change that but this way, i'm acknowledging it. still,i wouldn't have done anything different. no regrets.

you have a good one! and hey fyi..when i see you, a part of me still feels like i'm walking on the moon..

0 Comments
Mood: my was that fun

aya back on my feet Nov 29th, 2009 - Subscribe

its been a long ass time. longer than i've ever gone without writing. my life turned upside down and over in the span of 3 months. however, this time around..my sudden fall..well, was not one i'd think of as depressing.

there was a break up between me and my love. my forever love. i thought that that was it. last straw. the three year marker got to me. and from what i've learned through my friends and family, at 3 yrs is when you decide to make or break. so i believed that was it..i worked immediately and almost unconsciously to get over and move on.

and yes..as expected..a break up cannot ensue without the drama. drama that usually is brought about by the estranged ex..although to my surprise, some very unlikely proposals were made and i jumped at the chance of possibly finding a "transition" guy. i created my own drama. i dated. i played. i had fun that was half baked and yet thrilling all the same.

only to find..that well..i still love my forever..and he felt the same.

we went back to being the "we" we were after a good amount of time a part and i have been happy since. things have been good. which can be considered new to me. happy, yes but perfect? never. i may regret not putting too much thought into my lack of being ideal but my personality just can not bring me to think otherwise and actually do something about it.

love is tricky. i must admit. sometimes it can just consume you. and a lot of my falls are because of all this crap. but hey, at least i can say i've grown. now more so than ever, i can say i have grown.

my previous entry, before this one was written to what could've been. and i would like to express my feelings towards the one that was but did not blossom.

i owe you a letter too..

0 Comments
Mood: and running

aya to you, mr. sexy Aug 31st, 2009 - Subscribe

i know that there's a chance you might read this. i actually want you to. maybe you should. obviously trusted you enough for you to be one of the only 2 people who know about this. so ok..

here it goes

i aint sure your intentions or confessions were as true as i thought they were. i mean, this is what i meant by being ballsy, boy. yeah we aint in no rush but what exactly do i have to hope for if i dont see or feel even the slightest nudge from you. believe you me, you had the upperhand. now though, you seemed to have dissolved. what happened, dear?

i know you may have been busy but a hi or hello should have sufficed. but maybe, maybe it was just some fantasy i conjured up in my head. maybe you are just meant to be my friend. not that that's a bad thing. you're one hell of a friend, y'know. with the drummer boy, now that one as well is quite a mix up. i try to avoid anyone gettin ideas in their heads. the only person who knows i favored you is..well..you haha!..thought that would've been a huge clue...guess not

so i dunno what to make of anything anymore, dear. i'd gladly remain your friend. and the feistiness of the X is soooo rampant, literally working double and over time.

well now maybe i guess i might need to see less of you?? ...i'm not sure!! HAHA!!..BADTRIP!! ..i usually talk to you abt these things...damn...ok...well cause if i really do wanna work this out with the X, i cant keep thinking of you being my what if..the X is showing the fight..which is what i wanted..i know it sounds soooo conceited but understand how maybe i wanted to feel worth it, worth effort..i was havin my fun single yeah..but at the same time, totally dismissin and maybe even undermining myself..and yea, the events on my bday proved how i felt pretty worthless :|

there's the drama yo..HAHA..gotta love it

...you're the what if that didnt exactly try, man..next time you like a girl..and by any chance she's a lot like me haha!..have a little more fight..i'm a little crazy that way, i dont mind the rough around the edges and the mud on my jeans

but yea.. we cool

it aint too late or anything...gaad see not wuite sure why i said that but did anyway :|..i dont know!! its YOU!! of all FUCKING people! you dont know your hold on me, man I SWEAR!...

0 Comments
Mood: cherry cherry boom boom

aya FAIL!! Jun 17th, 2009 - Subscribe

it seems like with every breath i take, the louder my heart beats. i feel like the blood is rushing to my forehead. i know for a fact that i am all red. this is never a good look for me. my round face when red looks so much like a tomato with eyeballs.

i try to walk over again. it is so difficult. one whiff of his scent and again i'm hurrying back to my nonchalant corner of the restaurant with my verbose yet very amusing best friend, lexy.

"Go talk to him!," lexy says again. she doesn't get it. she never gets it. her quirkiness is so overwhelming that even when rejection does come her way she's too high on her on explosiveness that she doesn't even notice.

Maybe, if i try a more coincidential approach. I BUMP HIM! i wait for him to leave his table..oh but then he might be in a hurry to go somewhere..no no no..maybe when he gets up to the bathroom..no then i'd be stalling his pee break..mm..or maybe..maybe i just...arghh..maybe i just sit here and wallow as lexy goes on and on about her tales of sex and margharitas.

he's leaving!! come on, nerves we got this!..ok...breathe..god, lexy has to shut up! she's messin up my gameplan...oh god..slowly...slowwwwlllyyyy...now i'm right behind him...god, he smells good!...his stopping to put coins in the tip jar..my, he's so much taller up close..here it goes..

i tap his shoulder...he yelps!! starts to groan!!..oh fuck!!..i guess i was too mesmerized to notice his arm in a sling! probably a dislocated shoulder....fuck..and i guess my nerves too tightly bound caused a stronger tap than i thought..he's grabbed a hold on his arm..still slightly groaning in pain.. he turns around and sees me..me and my tomato head with a jaw dropped to the floor...i say quickly and in a pitch only heard by dogs, "sorry!" ...and i rush back to lexy, who is laughing her ass off at this point....

oh shit....fail....fail fail fail!

0 Comments
Mood: my first attempt to write teen movie/ meg cabot type of literature

aya utol Jun 11th, 2009 - Subscribe

i'm turning 21 but you make me feel like a child. you get what you want with a snap of your fingers. and here i am again giving into you.

its because you're perfect and i hate it. you've got the legs and the waist. you're beautiful and you know it. its not that i'm jealous. i don't need to be able to wear your skirts and make up. i hate your perfection because in his eyes you are still a doll. i hate sometimes how even my own love finds ways to sneak and flirt with you in front of me. i understand though. you are quite hot. they all love you. testosterone. estrogen. it dont matter.

i'm still the tomboy, i just never grew out of it. sometimes i really wish i could but i get so uncomfortable. i wish i can be as skinny you though. i wish also that maybe once in a while i'd splurge on something a girl is supposed to splurge on..i just..there's this fixed mentality i have that when i find something i want but is out of what to me is a considerable price range, i look, imagine and keep walking...whatever i do manage to purchase, more often than not, is from my own money..saved up...you just show your interest and you got it...its yours...his credit card is at your beck and call, dear..and my do you abuse it to maximum..but he doesn't care does he?...you're the angel..

words spit out of my mouth. i sound like a sailor. i do not know how to shop for bras or anything actually!! i STILL have no poise!..man..oh but i try...but no matter what i do,you got the genes..you got it all..i'm outta luck in that area..and you're not dumb either...god...i must look like a sack a shit beside you huh?

i hate this self pity thing...but i've been fighting it for so loooong now...and i'm tired...and now that i found this one thing..twas supposed to be mine..my keepsake...still you take it away.. AND WHY IS IT THAT I GIVE INTO YOU?? ...GOD...i got so used to you being the one with everything... you, the princess. you, the gorgeous one. i didn't even fight anymore..take it..i have no energy to fight anymore...

maybe someday i'll find something that is my own. something you wont copy or take away from me...maybe someday i will have the kind of love and admiration you receive..maybe someday i can actually stand up to you

1 Comments
Mood: i could only take so much

aya boys, toys..HOY! Mar 19th, 2009 - Subscribe

so conscientiousness does exist. it's more persistent than you think. it may take forever but it gets there. that shoulder angel pops up at the most random of times and before you know it, you're left to make a very VERY dire decision. in which case, a woman of right mind and age chooses to end her purely physical relationship in order to proceed with attaining her love. how does she do that?

i wish i knew

so now there is an issue of whether or not the physical relationship was understood to be just that exactly by both parties. if one were to gain emotional attachment then down the drain you go. how now is one supposed to go about hurting someone who may indeed fallen for you?..guilt? shame?..there is a given amount for how much heartache one can take..how would you know that your rejection won't cause an explosion of epic proportions?

it takes everyone a while to realize what they truly want in their lives. it takes mistakes, different experiences, and much MUCH heartache. it takes longer than you think. sometimes, by the time you actually find out what IS right for you, you have dug up a hole too big to just cover up. even girls have to grow some balls and face their mistakes. after much, maybe too much, of something sinfully right you realize how wrong and sabotaging it is to you and your quest to be the person you idealize. you must learn from ALL mistakes. to become that person you were, that person you despised once again is enough reason for one to label themselves a "dumbass"

you are not to allow yourself to return to your old ways. especially when you now realize after what seems to be forever that you actually love the guy you've been with. but if and when you do return to your drunken, slut 17 year old self, we just hope that you've learned a thing or two then that could be used at your dispose at present. at 21, it is only expected of you to handle this situation a little more maturely and a little less like an animal.

so you end your playtime and get serious

0 Comments
Mood: ****

aya piss and poop Mar 17th, 2009 - Subscribe

ok..new tactic..since i obviously cannot escape the drama..i try to create a lighter more optimistic blog and it quickly transforms back into the miserable shipwreck it always was..the saying goes, "if you cant beat'em, join'em"..so here i am..i am now going to write as if i am the carrie bradshaw of online journals..i will discuss everything there is to love, sex, relationships of any level, and maybe even a few catfights here and there..i will keep the drama but present it in a more readable way avoiding all the code names, metaphors, and the like.

first entry as a love columnist..OH! disclaimer, (in case i actually have readers that exist out there) i am not one to give advice..i'm one to rant and speak from experience, but please do not rely on any of my decisions as anything you could use for personal use..unless of course the similarities between our problems are uncanny..well..here we go..

when engaging in acts you know is sinful, when do you finally give it up? if there are instances wherein this deed of deceit and lust is meant to be private, how exactly will that oh so knowledgeable friend everyone seems to have knock some sense into you? you see, i believe that it may just be a matter of how you see things..to be with two guys at once and constantly having to lie in order to suffice your own needs is a definite no no in today's moral society..but if you're anything like me, why let go of all the fun?

here's where is gets tricky..if both are meant to be mere play things then it shouldn't be beating you up so much..but when you know that one of the two is the one you love and the other is for play, that's when you're in a pickle..let's name the one you love number 1, and obviously, your affair would be mr. number 2..this entry is meant to urge your slutty little self to think about doing the right thing..

if number 1, is indeed the one..why is there a need for this number 2 fellow?..could it be a subtle act of vengeance due to heartache caused by number 1? or maybe for the thrill that number 2 is so willing to offer? or maybe even just because number 2 is willing to be just that, your number 2..whatever the reason may be..if your heart's in the right place, you would know for sure that number 2 needs to be dropped..

it gets difficult and lonely being a girl whose number 1 has seemed to fly the coop of love and romance..girls get itchy for a little romp too..hence the right on time number 2..but there is more to this, more than just a little fun to escape a chaotic relationship with number 1..people tend to be selfish..but after so long of being selfless, there will be times that temptation will press their pelvis hard, hard against your side completely compelling your every rational thought and bringing you to your weakest point..and its all a matter of giving in or refusing to be unfaithful..

i honestly believe though, that mistakes can be undone..before going any deeper, you must grow at rapid speed, take a red bull if you must, and develop a sense of justice..there comes a point where you just know that if number 1 were to know any of this, you will lose him completely..and now, imagine that...him gone...and you're sitting there left with a horny number 2 who knows nothing more but to pounce on you..

maturity may come in late for others but in this case it took a detour but ended up right back where its supposed to be..so we grow, and we bid farewell to the other who may ruin you and your love..to cope with heartache is one thing, but to cause it is a whole different story..do you really wanna cause heartache that not only would hurt your distant yet beloved number 1 but destroy you in the process?

we grow from love..it's a shit line..but it's true

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Mood: FLUSH, bitch!

aya molotov Mar 9th, 2009 - Subscribe

when exactly do you draw the line between pathetic and having a heart of gold? i, for one, am still not sure. Either that or i'm just too proud to actually admit that i am indeed pathetic. if i were too proud though and i were being pathetic, then why do i allow myself to look like a fool in front of him and everyone else who spectates? or maybe my heart is really just that resilient? maybe i just go so far as to looking like a loser and feeling used for this love i hold so dear and cherish so very faitfully? hmm...maybe i'm dumb?

i'm not one to say what this sort of thing is. i'm no where near being an expert or guru of any kind when it comes to love.

you'd think it wouldn't have to be so hard when you get into it, y'know but god...it's so fucking hard you end up wanting to really smash things or rip something up to shreds..break stuff..

those scenes in the movies with girls throwing plates and guys punching walls, they actually happen! the anger, sadness, anxiety eats you up and you lose your mind for a moment. when you snap back to reality, you wonder who the hell broke mom's china?

love's insane. i'm in a long term relationship and i have no clue what i'm doing half the time. sometimes, i don't even know anymore if the feelings i have are real.. if i'm sure about anything anymore..i did learn a thing or two though..

this perhaps is one i'll keep with me forever..the fact that no one is an expert..even those doctors with the books on love and relationships..no one really REALLY knows what's goin on..no one can predict hearts..it's too difficult..hence, that gives no one the right to tell you what to do when dealing with matters of the heart..

i used to be the type who'd run to friends to ask what should be done..thinking that other people may have a clearer point of view on the matter given that they are a third party excluded from the 2 involved in such a matter..no influence, no bias..but i feel now that that's the worst thing that I (i repeat), I could ever do..

who likes meddlers? who actually knows what they're talking about nowadays?..opinions are good...drawing from passed experiences, fine... but when they actually get in there and meddle..gawd..here's the problem..help is appreciated always but not to the point of suffocating your 2 friends..who also so happen to be lovers already at each others' necks gasping for air to breathe...

there is really no need for the drama once you stand on your own two feet..why pay for an entourage when you're fully equipped?

i had to learn the hard way, folks..

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Mood: when a bottle breaks and causes everything to catch fire!!

aya cruella devil Feb 23rd, 2009 - Subscribe

i hate you. think you're the only one who can play that game? well, wait and see, boy. screwed me over one too many times. like hell am i letting you get to me again. its your turn to burn. its your turn to yearn. think i can't do without you? wow, ain't that a trip. i can do better and you know it. you're a real lousy person at times. god, i don't know why i tolerate you. you're after the fuck and play, right? that's the only way you'd be willing to get intimate with me, right?..wait and see..

i want you to know how it feels. let it eat you from the inside. i will watch you crawl back and dangle meat in your face while you're at it. i'll make you wanna hate me. i'll make you wanna scream your lungs out. ha! either one you wouldn't be able to do though, my dear. you'd be too busy missing me and beating yourself up about ever having mistreated me.

i want to break your heart and break you a part. i want to tell you there's someone else or you're boring me. i want you to hear me enunciate the words "i just don't love you anymore" and make you try your very hardest not to cry. i want you to know how it feels. i want to lie to you constantly and keep you from ever being able to fully trust me. i want you to doubt every moment i am not with you and then go crazy bitch on your ass whenever you do decide to confront me. i want you to understand what it is to be in my position. here's heartache for you, baby

think i'll be chasing you again? think i'd follow the 3 month rule?! i've been hungry for someone to love me for over a year now, sweet. i'ma get me some of that. since you're so fond of the drama, let me step all over you. try to fight, sure. i bet you'd be to weak. so much so that merely getting up from bed and looking yourself in the mirror becomes quite a difficult task. i want you to doubt yourself, grow insecurities you've never had before, and have your confidence shrivel up like a raisin. you don't like the heat now do ya?

game on.

try to stop me.

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Mood: in love with an asshole

aya phase me Jan 16th, 2009 - Subscribe

burn for a yearning you wish he had
and wish for a better day
there's no other choice, remain sad, mad
there's no other choice, no other way

he's a sparrow, she's a dove
the choice is up to you, sweet
he's heart but she's love
a leap seemingly quite a feat

she's mild and meek, precious to me
a feverish yet freezing sensation
he's cold but mine, he's all and insanity
a flower is one i dare to fashion

now i go on dismissing the mundane
breaking rules and pretending
doing everything in my power to keep sane
wondering, hoping, cracking, bending

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Mood: face it

aya epic fail Jan 14th, 2009 - Subscribe

i chose not to write for so long to avoid the bursts of emotions i so faithfully try to bottle up. i believe that my mind plays tricks on me, forcing, pushing that i ought to think one way and yet i feel the other. guess my attempt of creating a lighter, easier, optimistic online journal was a waste of time.

i'm a drama queen minus the flash, grace, and femininity. i'm a poet, a broken heart, a curious cat, a whistler, a beat down, a girl, a secret. i refuse to allow anyone in. i prefer the persona everybody has adapted to. no way would i have been misconstrued. i think it's better that way.

i wish i could be more of what's expected of a "woman." even the way i talk is harsh and unruly. i don't always mean to but the dialect i prefer is my native language. i guess for an english speaking country, the only proper way to converse in a mature and intelligent manner is to keep with the english and the soft spoken tone.

i also have to learn how to sit and lose the chub i got. i ain't big. i just got the unwanted flabs that just add to this insecure little whiny baby in me...haha!..guess, i'm just really good at hiding things.

oh but except from the commander man. he knows. and it bugs me that he does. i want to hide it. damn it. he can tell. he can sense. we're getting too close...haha!...it's funny..we're too close but i miss him like crazy..i think i lost him a long time ago.. the person he has become is someone i don't know...and again, another funny..this person i don't know is the very person i love with everything in me...i'm on a roll,boy

i miss him. us. whatever the hell we were when we didn't have a care...after he messed up it never was the same...something died in me...and i'm just not who i used to be...we're strangers in love..or well at least i know i'm in love...i always will be...i have a good heart, i know that now..it's my blessing and my curse...

i keep moving. he breathes down my neck
shivers down my spine, i freeze.
he leaves, i crumble into the usual wreck
i chase. i love. he's my tease.

takes my hand. a kiss. a slap
a warmth i long for and yet..
i spiral then fall into a trap
mine, his, i'll never forget..

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Mood: fail fail fail

aya damn son Jan 14th, 2009 - Subscribe

back to drama and again with the explosions. it's like new year's. loud. hectic. relentless. and you do not sleep. astounding.

i was never fond of the noise. the sights, gorgeous. the noise, too much. guns fire and children die. it's not quite the celebration when you risk losing fingers.

i hate. i love. i hate. i love. i don't understand. i want to get away. i love.

which sucks cause it drives me up the wall and around and around. i vomit a little in my mouth and deliberate for a good minute or so on whether or not i swallow or allow the spew.

i can't sleep.

what once was such refuge is now torture. it's like replacing a cheap ass, ratty, yet beloved teddy bear with a stainless, new, expensive, state-of-the-art knife. one's worth more than the other and for sure, much more useful.

although, which exactly would one like to sleep with?...but who sleeps nowadays...

i laugh. i cry. i laugh. i cry. i smile, half a smile. i quiver. i cry. it's not much fun when you don't know what's up ahead. imagine the world's greatest roller coaster ride but the only thing visible are the carts and the few meters of track before entering a cave of mystery and horror. would you ride it not knowing what you're in for? let alone, knowing if it's safe.

new years is a bust when your's is too heavy and you slump forward when you walk. the weight of the moon balloons doesn't help much with the oxygen flow to my brain.

could it be why i can't sleep?

i give in. i give up. i don't remember anymore why i'm here. i'm lost and he ain't helping. so why do i strive?

maybe a knife and a teddy bear makes sense to the slit freaks and emotards but i refuse to entertain such a combination

so i play the game i refuse to play. unfortunately, to bench is not an option. what to do when your in the way
of a heart that has lost its caution

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Mood: freaky deeky

aya take me for a ride aladdin! Nov 27th, 2008 - Subscribe

ok..so i will tell a story..a dora loves a diego..then the diego chooses to lie to the dora about countless things and dora is left all distraught. how sad. a dora is not one to mope but because of certainties, she allows herself to be miserable. a diego is not one to work on his mistakes nor make up for them. ayayay and ariba ariba!..and the plot thickens..chickens

i am a wreck. i wish i had alcohol or maybe even a spooning buddy to get over everything. the latter, an exaggeration of course. or is it? i wish i had a magic carpet! (which is still, by the way, the main component of my sexual fantasy)..you know what else would help distract me from my shit telenovela? a horse. if there was a big horse in the room, now that would be wild.

on a lighter note, i just came from the NU rock awards. twas kickass, as expected. i was able to watch all the bands i wanted to watch plus cheap booze. the awardees however..eh..

hguoht ereht saw he

oh well

i'd love to work as an organizer for events like that. it would be the best! i wouldn't have to be a groupie to be a part of that sorta scene. free concerts, performances, and a few freebies here and there. that's the shit, man.

wonder if my course covers that field. multimedia arts. hmm. sounds like it would.

well, i'm pretty much at a loss for words. exhausted and hungry too. dang it. that's it, i'm good. i'ma head off to my magic carpet dreams, if ya know what i mean

1 Comments
Mood: psssshhh

aya help..start reading 12345 Nov 23rd, 2008 - Subscribe

my my, now where do i start? i find there's more for me to do nowadays than ever. i have encountered many surprising advances as well as lashed out at crazy bitch girls who i'd love to just pile drive into mounds of cow shit..but other than that, i'm pretty damn good.

i've been trying to just relax. avoid the drama. new tactics for my 20 year old self. instead of using this as a portal for my excessive rants and banter, i will make this more of an opinions column. or even sex column. or even, hmm..iunno..sports column.

i've gone a long way. i used to write poems and short stories here. that ended and then became this drama log. now, well..let's talk about..mmm..randy couture

i'm not like other girls. i don't shop, don't know how to put on make up, i curse like a sailor, and i don't own a dress. the only girl thing that i actually make sure to purchase frequently are sanitary napkins..

anyway, couture fought against lesnar about a week or two ago. AND GOD, that sucked. i mean, yes, obviously i'm a couture fan but c'mon, the fight could've gone so much better! randy couture looked tiny in lesnar's guard. lesnar's huge! do you know that they have to custom make his gloves cause none of the standard sizes fit his gorilla fists?? he's like a...XXXXXL?!?!

oh but lesnar's strong. i can admit that. and FAST for such a big guy man geez. when randy fell, then brock started to just pound his face (which really did look as if he was jacking off randy's face) it looked like his fist covered half of randy's head. it was a disappointing match, i thought that it would go on for at least 3 rounds. even joe rogan sounded disappointed..haaay..next time

brock looks like a baby. with no eye brows.
12345
my project for my design concepts class is to do a mini-thesis on any topic you like. my topic that was approved was on body art. now i'm not sure what that entails. tattooing, piercing, branding..does it include that suspension thing where people are pierced through their backs and chests to hang from wires? or is that performance art.

i'm trying to avoid making my topic too broad but i must know which too include. i have to do so much for this actually. i have to come up with a story board for a TV commercial, a script or audio ep for a radio commercial, a poster, a flyer, a billboard design, and several promotional items.

god i hate school

it would help though, if i got opinions from other people. i know i don't got much readers but to those who come across this and decide to comment, THANK YOU!

Now, just lemme know what your take is on body art. tattoos, piercings, whatever. if you have any, explain why you got them and what is the sentiment behind them. oh and lemme know if i should also write about the suspension thing.

i'm out. adios

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Mood: badabing badaboom

aya imagination oblation Oct 4th, 2008 - Subscribe

kablam, boy. i haven't been here in a very very long time. my computer got fucked and well, didn't have time to really find somewhere else to do my ranting. well haven't had much to really write about.

well no, that's a lie. there have been days that i was literally itching to just let it all out. i get so weird at times and i tend to think way too much, so i'm there mindlessly grinding my teeth till i hurt myself.

my mind thinks in alternate levels and i feel like i have to catch up with myself sometimes or even pin down my restless thoughts. when my imagination gets wild enough i even imagine myself doin' a tombstone pile driver on my subconscious ass.

i imagine the guinea pigs. i wish them well yet i don't consider returning to my once sanctuary. i feel that it would be too much for me to take once the emotions start kicking back in. plus, concrete has become so unappealing to me.

i imagine at times if the beats ever went away. i imagine sometimes what it would be like with that one. i continue this imaginary world til half way through i see him and everything freezes. i then imagine how horrible it would've been if he were gone.

i imagine her. i imagine girl. i imagine woman. i imagine what there would've been. i imagine how it would work. i spiral out of control and then freak myself out with these raunchy thoughts...now this is where the tombstone pile driver comes in...

after regaining composure,

i imagine him hurting me again. i imagine him imagining her imagining if they were wrong about each other. then i imagine him imagining me imagining whether or not i'm paranoid enough to spy and catch him.

i drive myself completely insane. it's 4 am and i'm still clawing my way into bed..

ciao!

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Mood: i'm a day dreamer..err..day nightmare-er