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I've never felt so lonely in my life. I don't even know why I feel this way. For the past two days, I've been feeling and acting like crap. I keep snaping at my mom and hurting Zander's feelings, and I don't even mean to. I don't even want to either. I've cried a lot, mainly yesterday. It's so hard when you don't even know what's making you cry ...and it just happens at any time. I get like this so much and I hate it. I don't understand it, which scares me. I guess a lot of people go through this ...so I assume it's normal, maybe just hormones. But I don't know anyone who's had to put up with this. I guess this is the world of depression, huh? Not that teenage kind everyone goes through ...real life depression. I was told I had BPD, and I'm beginning to believe it's true. I have most to all of the symptoms, I just never believed it until now. Maybe I'm just coming to terms with it and myself, the way I am. Hopefully it'll get better by tomorrow, or at least when school starts again Monday. I'll at least be doing something to keep my mind off things. I'm tired of being alone. Having my boyfriend is great ...but, having him around always ...I dunno, I just need that. Maybe I'm just selfish, but I can't help it. I don't understand much anymore about myself, or anything. ~Marlene |
I am bored ...bored out of my mind! To the extent I just can not take it any longer! I was talking to Zander, it was nice ...but, his brother wanted the computer and his dad was using the other, so he's been gone for about an hour now.  He says he'll probably call me later, if it takes a long while before he can use a computer. I'm waiting. I've mainly just been wasting time with FFVII, but they can only stay so fun so long. All I'm doing is saving gil and leveling up for everyone's limit breaks. So ...I turned it off in hopes of when I got back to the computer, Zander would be on. But, he wasn't, and I don't feel like playing anymore games right now. I feel like going out for a walk, I want to, but it'd be crap to miss Zander's call, if he does. The snow is finally beginning to melt. I think. There's stull huge mounds of it, it's just looking really dirty and you can see some grass around the edges! I hope it's real warm tomorrow. I have to go back to school! Gah! Tomorrow surely is going to suck. I guess I should probably get all my binders together, fill them with paper and whatnot. I don't even know what any of my classes are ...sigh. Once I get back into routine, I hope this won't feel like such a drag every night.. Hope everyone's night is going well! ~Marlene |
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Everything about this past week (be it only Tuesday) has been craaaap. I'm sure many can agree, huh? I mean, school started, for me anyway, and that's just really too much right now, I'm nto emotionally stable and I can't even explain it. And I figure, I can get through it, I'll have Zander to talk with ...so msn has screwed up MANY times, so we're switching to yahoo. Well, only for msn pulls a lame attack, but yah. We'll beat msn. Today was crap. I came home after second period, which is parenting. Crappy. But I couldn't put up with the day. I feel bad for skipping school already, I mean, the second day ...I can't believe how sad I am. Last night, I slipped. I told my mom I was planning to move out this summer. She didn't take it no where near the way I thought she would. She flipped! "You're too young! I won't allow it!" We talked about it later that night, my mom told me she over reacted because a lot was going on (My brother was threatening to commit suicide). So I don't blame her for getting so upset. But still ...that really hurt. She made me feel so guilty, "Marlene, you're the only light in my life, the only thing I can look forward to." How can a daughter leave her mother after that! I mean, it's one thing just moving out, but away from a single parent who has nothing. I mean ...I know for sure I want to move out, and I will if I can, since my mom just said she needed to think about it ...but it would be hard. I'm so confused. Would visiting her fairly often be enough? ...I wouldn't be leaving an amazing life behind or anything. All that's here is school and arguments. All me and my mom do is fight, and it's stressful. She always tells me she wants me out of her life. I know she doesn't mean it, but i can't put up with it anymore. I think it would be better for me to live with Zander. I would probably improve greatly in school, be much happier, and ...have more of a family. I am almost 18, isn't this ok to want? I hope it doesn't make me selfish. ~Marlene |
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I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't even understand what I'm thinking about! I used to understand myself more then anything ...every thought I had made perfect sense to me. What's happening? School just seems like too much for me right now. I can hardly take it ...it's never been this hard before. I don't mean the work, just the effort. I can no longer force myself to do something I so dread. I'm tired of this life ... I've given all I can ...it's not enough. Okay, so I have come to a couple conclusions why things have just been so messed up, emotionally. Maybe this dramatic change, my mother knowing I want to leave. I guess now that my mom knows, it's become far more official and I'm finally realizing I'm growing up, and there's no turning back. Whatever I do now is with me for life. I also think ...it's because I'm having some sort of emotional break down. I think I've had them before, but I'm not completely sure ...since I'm no expert on them, but judging a lot of emotions and feelings, it seems to be a logical answer. I hate being away from Zander ... I finally burned a new mix CD, which I needed.  I hope tonight goes better, hope everyone is happy! ... ~Marlene |
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I was feeling a bit better, made a few ajustments to my time table. I now have two grade 10 classes, history and civics/careers, but I need to get them over with, then next year, it will all be fun classes! Well ..."funner." When I got home, Zander had said he had a good day, which I don't know why ...but it suddenly turned my day bad (Not that I was having an amazing day to begin with). Well ...I think it's because I thought he would always have a bad time at school like me ...I guess not, eh? I can't wait until summer, this school semester is Hell, metaphorically speaking, of course. I can not stand it anymore. I hate having my brother staying here. All I do now is fight with my mom ...always about him. Then of course, he always comes and takes my mom side, and I'm made out as the bad guy every time, I can't stand it. I'm always "wrong" now. |