I accidentally clicked back, and when I got back here, no more blog rants
Anyways, I am still wide awake, so here goes.
CAN'T SLEEP!
It's now 25 past midnight here, and I have to be up at 6 am. I can't even fake a sickie tomorrow because I have missed a lot of work recently coz of a cold/flu/virus thing that wouldn't quite go away. As much as anything I am also broke and would muchly like to work MORE than 21 hours this week to get the higher pay rate.
Don't get me wrong, I am sleepy (and will be more so come 6am) but I cannot sleep. I have been housesitting for Ronnie and Julia (Ryan's mum & new hubby) the last few nights, and have grown horrifyingly accustomed to Fungus's wonderfully warm, snuggly DOUBLE bed! Downsizing to my cold, itchy smelly single bed is rather a shock to the system. I couldn't sleep well last night either, which was my first night after 4 at home.
Ok, next topic!
TOTALLY UNWARRANTED, UNNECESARY BUT STILL STUPIDLY MIND-FUCKING GUILT!
So... Nathan tells me Chris's dog dies. (At this point I will point out to Nathan who I know is reading this, that I know you didn't do it on purpose and I'm neither mad nor having a go at you! After all you do ROCK my darling.) Nothing surprising there to be honest, I knew that Jox was getting old and sick. However, this manages to make my brain do overtime.
I had told Chris that once I had a proper job that I would help with $ for the vet, I know that Chris (and I to a lesser extent) adored Jox, and that he really did need some help. However, I never got that proper job before I left Chris. It's not that that's bugging me, I do feel kinda bad about that in a way, sure, but moreso the fact that I wasn't there.
Contrary to Chris's belief, I am not a cold-hearted bitch. I felt (and still feel) like shit for the way things turned out between us, and I hated to see how bad I made Chris feel. I know that Chris would've been damned upset about Jox dying, and I for whatever reason felt like shit about not being there to help him with it/through it/whatever.
It's one of those things we'd not planned in this case, but I thought I'd be there for... which brings me to my next topic.
MAKING PLANS AND PROMISES WHEN YOUR OWN LIFE ISN'T EVEN SORTED.
How many promises did I break to Chris just in telling him it was over? Fucking countless, I'm sure. But there's no way in this life or the next that I'd be able to keep to those promises anymore. It's so fucking stupid making plans and promises with someone else when you haven't even got your own solo life sorted out.
At the same time, I am so insanely, crazily head-over-heels for Fungus, I'd happily make all those plans and swear to them with him. And in our own way we're making those plans. I see it more as a kind of sharing hopes thing than a definite plan. Like my saying our son has to be called James, and his reply of as long as the middle name is David! It's more of a joke, but with a serious undertone, rather than the serious, no-way-out kinda thing Chris and I had.
I guess it's coz both Fungus and I saw first-hand how far making those kind of plans this early on gets you... NOWHERE! That and neither of us are ready for it. I know he loves me, more than anyone else, and I feel absolutely the same about him, this is one boy that can do no wrong, but we're just happy chilling. Fungus sweetie, don't get me wrong if you read this kk? I'd be delighted if you were to propose as soon as you get back from Central, but I'm also happy waiting, long as it's with you.
Well... I digressed there. Into the usual sickeningly sweet mush that I turn into when he's around. But he's sooooo... perfect for me and where I am. I don't quite know yet if he's Mr Right, but he's certainly Mr Right Now. He gets me up off my ass, and keeps me motivated and enthused to keep on working, and helps me through my shit, and just adores and loves me, even when I make his life a living hell, and get him all upset to boot.
On top of that I am the first girl he's ever SERIOUSLY fallen in love with. The whole in love with the feeling not the person thing? Yeah... I feel fucking privelidged. He is such a sweet, generous, honest, loving person, and I know exactly how lucky I am to have the chance to be with him, and what a fool Nickers was to throw it away. In the long run it was better for both of them as they were both unhappy, but still not a wise move sweetie.
Ok... I'm getting mushy and no more sleepy than before. Plus this is a looooong blog. I think I'll try and sleep for a while now.
Miranda
