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broknangel Love Conquers All - Subscribe
Omnia Vincit Amore
Love Conquers All


Around a year and a half ago i met a guy. We were like instant best friends, and within a month of meeting, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. 6 months down the track we were so serious about each other that we moved in together. Life was oh so good. I was in love, and he loved me. We had our fights, we certainly weren't perfect, but we loved each other.

His family never liked me. He told me not to worry, that they never liked any of his girlfriends, that they just always put his girlfriends down because they were never good enough, but that he loved me and that was all that mattered. I accepted that. They were nice to my face, and that was all i asked for.

Well eventually we moved to a new town because of a job he got, and i started study. Money was tighter and we started having more arguments. He started working more, and spending less time at home, and his social life got busier, and i was included less and less. I spoke to him about it a few times, but it was a hard subject, which we both had trouble talking about, and it would always end up unfinished.

Eventually, all the stress and pressure and arguments started to form a crack in the relationship and four months ago we broke up. He made up a story about cheating on me, because he was afraid i didnt love him anymore, and wanted to give me an easy out.

I was heartbroken. I started drinking all the time, and taking sleeping pills night and day. i would sleep, and drink, and sleep more. I would go out four times a week and drink til the pub closed, and then come home and take sleeping pills.

After a couple of months he emailed me and tried to explain how sorry he was, and the truth of why he did what he did. How much he was hurting. But by this point my anger had hit. I didnt want to hear a word he was saying. He gave up.

A week before christmas we started talking again. I decided that since i still loved him, and he was such an amazing person, i wanted to be his friend.

He invited me to have coffee with him, saying he missed talking to me, and he wanted to salavage our friendship. I was so happy to hear it. We spent a couple of hours chatting, and it made me feel so much better to know that we could be friends again. So we hung out a few more times.

Then we had a massive argument, because he talked about wanting me back, but i got the wrong idea by it and got angry, and everything was all misunderstood.

Then we had a breakthrough. Thats when we finally admitted that we still loved each other, and after some tears, and a whole lot of talking, we decided that we were going to give things another go.

So we have started from scratch.

We've never been closer or more in love, and I've never been happier

Omnia Vincit Amore
Love Conquers All
0 Comments
Mood: beaming
Music: Killing In The Name Of - Rage Against The Machine

perfect110 Over two years ago... Dec 6th, 2008 3:14:55 pm - Subscribe
It has almost been two years since I have written in here. Amazing how much has changed. I doubt there is hardly anyone left that remembers me.

In the past two years I have found freedom (if that exists) from my eating disorder. Am a lot more happy and content with life. I also moved out of my house (twice), first to go a treatment type center and secondly to move out for good into an apartment. I have gotten back into church. Been dumped by two boyfriends. Made a bunch of amazing friends and then lost them all.

I suppose that is why I am writing in here now. I am so incredibly lonely. My heart longs for human interaction. I want to be accepted and liked and loved for who I am. I want people to leave comments on my facebook and e-mail me! I want people to call me. I want to matter. I want... to be noticed.

Right now I am fighting not to run back to what was my coping mechanism for six years. I know why I want to do it but that doesn't help. I want to do it because I am stressed about finals next week, I am lonely, I am depressed, and I am angry but I don't know what to do about it except run and eat everything I can and then vomit into the toilet for an hour. I am feeling out of control. I am feeling rejected. I am feeling like the life I have serves no purpose at all. I could easily be replaced.

I have not had these feelings for over a year, and yet here they all come- rushing back in. Will I ever truly be over this? Am I just going to use my whole life fighting with food and my emotions? I want to a be a photographer but so what- there are thousands of amazing photographers.

Maybe I am just having a depressed week.
perfect~
1 Comments
Mood: agitated

end-of rest in peace. Nov 28th, 2008 5:08:17 am - Subscribe
I don't want
numbers
they blur the page
before my eyes
a body count

even less
do I want
names
the missing
the grieving

another night
to mourn
and days of
sorrow coming

fear and fire
on the
blue green planet

as we slaughter
our people
ourselves
mass devastation

brother
sister
torture,
terror

we do not
forget
rest in peace
you die not
in vain
rest in peace

rest in peace
and may peace
take you home

we do not
forget
they cannot
forgive

my apocalypse
slithers near
waiting to strike
watching you

tearing the
beating heart
out of the world.
1 Comments
Mood: exhausted.

end-of wintersleep Nov 21st, 2008 11:39:58 pm - Subscribe
don't know
why words like
snowflakes fall

no reason but
to speak of
the coming tide

subtle beauty
night calling
I desire only

words like
sunlight piercing
to warm me

bitter season
winter winds
now rending

words from
me like boughs
from treetops

to scatter on
frozen earth
like snowflakes

freeze still the
cheerful spring
of poetry

my white forest
empty, silent,
brittle, waits

no warmth
in words
to thaw us

don't know
why words like
snowflakes drift

unable to tempt
summer back
to this place.
1 Comments
Mood: sleepy.

end-of daughter. Nov 8th, 2008 6:00:35 am - Subscribe
I put away
every sharp object:
pin and blade
and dangerous edge.

I still don't
trust myself
with scissors,
even these days.

Part of loving
oneself is
knowing how far
that love extends.

Part of being
a family is
knowing you'll
have to leave.

How far I've come,
to stand here and
to hold myself up -
courage, pride, strength.

I break so easily -
tears to drown me;
rage to scream
at you endlessly -

because I'm guilty
of knowing that
these days are
numbered few.

Regret sits
on the back step
with the pumpkin
we didn't carve

this year, because
I wasn't here -
unwanted, unaddressed
and necessary.

I'm not
your little girl
anymore -
I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean
to go
and grow up
and go away.

I stare at my wrists
hating time
for dragging me on
through life;

for tearing us
apart and
casting me
into future.

Oh, how I
want to remain -

I'm not your
little girl now,

but I'll always be
your daughter

and I'll always be
your big sister;

I'll always want
this house; I'll

never leave.

I put away
the scissors, and
my ink
and all my words.

I chose to live
that night, years ago,
for you, so now
I have to go.

Part of
being a family -
however torn,
however mad -

is knowing
you'll never
have to leave,
right?

I'll always have
what you gave me:
courage, pride,
strength and love;

and I'll always
be your daughter
your big sister -
always belong.
2 Comments
Mood: unhappy

myrcenary a motionless hunt Oct 6th, 2008 12:24:06 pm - Subscribe
these entries were moved and expanded to a section of a compilation blog called Blackbird Pie located at myrcenary.livejournal.com.
they can be found under the subtitle "a motionless hunt", and are now a finished series of prose and poetry. other entries continue in the other sections of the blog for more deserving muses.
0 Comments
Mood: secretive

myrcenary the last love letter Oct 6th, 2008 12:23:06 pm - Subscribe

this is me
sky-writing
i love you
i must
1464 days plus
i have thought about you
without ceasing.
i ask the cards,
will i ever see him again?
and they say ugly things
like you think
when you think of me.
so this is me
front-page
headlining
i miss you
and you were not a fool
just afraid and
mis-communications
were made and
i'm sorry you never knew.
0 Comments
Mood: dejected
Music: ~'~

end-of quietest loneliest. Sep 27th, 2008 3:40:21 am - Subscribe
words
that die on
my tongue,

once
sole respite,
cage me -

accuse me
of ignoring
the truth.

I don't
want these
words.

my head
echoes with
absence.

my head a
graveyard for
words unsaid -

unholiest peace.

-

words move in;
use up all
the sugar;

trash my
fragile state
of unthinking;

tear off the
wallpaper,
exposing cracks.

I kill words
on the doorstep,
pre-emptive.

my domain
is of silence
and bitterness.

no one knocks
on my door
anymore:

loneliest relief.
1 Comments
Mood: tired.

freshideas Life is a test. Sep 26th, 2008 9:05:45 am - Subscribe
Problems can really destroy us, unless we choose to deal with them courageously. Yes, deal with them. Not escape from them. They will always be in our lives. And I think we will not be able to grow if we will only take them for granted. A lesson always lies hidden in each problem. So it's up to us whether or not we will do our best to overcome each problem and learn from it. Life is a test. Happiness is a choice.
0 Comments
Mood: loopy

aleaffalls jump Aug 24th, 2008 4:53:39 pm - Subscribe
Why do you expect things from me, for me to come running at your beck and call, for me to relieve you of any uncomfortable or undesired situations, when you've done nothing for me?
Yeah, I know I said I'd be there for you when you need me, that I'd be happy to help you with any problems. But I hadn't account for the fact that you wouldn't talk to me for days at a time, would hardly acknowledge my presence when I'm over at your place, would make no effort whatsoever to see how I'm doing. And then you text me at 4 in the morning to let me know that you are bored and that I should come hang out with you. There was no "Hi, how are you?" no consideration for the fact that I could've been sleeping (which is very valid considering how I usually sleep at 1. I just couldn't sleep on this particular night.) You just selfishly wanted your sense of boredom and loneliness to vanish. But what about me? What about the fact that the past few days, you had me wondering why you hadn't made any contact with me? What of the loneliness and abandonment I felt?

And then you get mad at me for not humoring you. Well I'm sorry babe, but maybe you should've texted one of those young girls who is so "in love" with you. Given their immaturity, and that of yours, I'm sure you would've been much more entertained by one of them.





you didn't like him; you thought he wasn't good enough for me. but at least he paid attention to me, at least he didn't repeatedly break my heart.
0 Comments
Mood: used

aleaffalls Patience, my dear child, is a virtue. Aug 7th, 2008 6:03:28 am - Subscribe
I hate waiting.

Well, no, I hate waiting with uncertainty. I hate waiting for someone to come and pick me up (or just to get here) without giving me a specific time. I hate waiting in ridiculously long lines not knowing how long it will take or how many more minutes or hours until I can go home and relax. I hate waiting to see how I did on a test.
I hate that feeling of anxiety -- of uncertainty. Of not knowing; not knowing if everything is or will be alright or not. The suspense is draining and often leaves me feeling empty and needing something.someone concrete. "Maybe if I can just touch someone, be in their embrace, maybe it'll go away. Maybe they'll keep me grounded and I won't feel helpless not knowing. Maybe they'll wait with me."

---The world is full of wait. We're constantly waiting. Waiting for a new day. The next semester. A new year. Another chance. A fresh start. It's impossible to escape the web of Wait. Since birth, we've been caught in it and it has done its job and we are surrounded by Wait.---

And I wait. I wait for my anchor. The object that will keep me from being caught in the undertow and pull me out to sea. I wait with uncertainty, not knowing when it will ever come and provide me with security, or if it will come at all. i wait.

will you ever come? will You change your mind?

I don't know how long I can hold on. You were right, it is hard to wait for something that you know may never happen. Especially if it's everything you've ever wanted.
But if it IS everything you want, it's worth the wait, right? Even if it may not happen? But who knows? It could. Waiting is a process built of uncertainty. And uncertainty means that there's a chance.

And a chance means a future.
0 Comments
Mood: terrible

freshideas Start anew Aug 6th, 2008 2:39:42 am - Subscribe
I wrote this journal because I want to start my journey to become a very productive person in the future, and one way to achieve that goal is to write a journal so that I keep track of my development and growth as a person. I don't want to be a disappointment anymore; I'm a person who loves to learn a lot of things but has not always been successful to deliver good results. I think I have wasted my time trying different endeavors but ending up as though I have not learned anything much in return. I always start things right but two to three days later I will often give up. I believe I have a lot of talents to build on, and I want to be happy sharing my talents to other people, but because of my lack of discipline and self-control, so far I haven't been able to hone my talents fully. Discipline is what I need, and I hope, though I feel that it'll be hard for me to adjust especially because sometimes I would feel that I won't be able to make it for myself, time will come that I will be a very productive person of high self-esteem and with very interesting experiences in life.
0 Comments
Mood: ambitious

aleaffalls dot.dot.dot. Aug 2nd, 2008 7:43:19 am - Subscribe
I hate it when people fight. My parents especially. When they fight, not only does the darkness looms over their heads, it seems to engulf the whole house. The silence doesn't just come from us kids. It oozes out from the walls. It doesn't matter where you go; kitchen.bathroom.your own room even. It's inescapable. Quietness from all angles of the house except from the mouths of the two eldest members of the family. Shouts of the past.the present.the future. Threats of beatings and leavings. Chaos spills from their mouths. It's inescapable and unbearable. We speak nothing but silence.

Why do I even come back?
0 Comments
Mood: helpless

aleaffalls I hate myself for having these "ups" and "downs" moments so frequently. Nobody deserves to be at the recieving end of it. Aug 1st, 2008 6:26:31 am - Subscribe
Why does loving you hurt so much?

A. tells me I should let go. I know this. But I can't. I'm too attached.

Sometimes I wish I would have just stop fighting back at the lake. Stop kicking and just fall into the welcoming darkness.

I'm tired of crying myself to sleep at night because I'm coming to the realization that chances (and hope) are getting slimmer by the day.
0 Comments
Mood: regretful

aleaffalls Awkwardness and Pain Jul 29th, 2008 7:55:09 am - Subscribe
C. said to me the other day, after we engaged in some deep physical bonding activities, "Lets try to not act awkward around each other like we did last time." Then he walked out of the room and into the bathroom. As I laid there on the bed, I was utterly confused because I did not know of this "awkwardness" that he spoke of. Thinking back to a few days after the last time we Bonded, I didn't recall acting out of the norm or anything of the sort. All of my reactions were how they would've been if the same situations came up at a different time.

Then it dawned on me.

The awkwardness that he felt was me failing to hide my pain and heartache. About a week and a half after the Last Time was when I felt like I didn't have a good enough reason to live anymore. The person that I trusted.loved.admired.//.mybestfriend. broke my heart and I thought that the one person that I live for and try so hard to please could cast me aside so quickly, then why can't I do the same to myself. (I tried/I couldn't go through with it. I guess I don't love him or need him to return the love to me as much as I thought I did.) And while I wanted him to know how much I was hurting (because I still secretly hoped that he would undo it all by saying we'll be together) I didn't want him to know, because I did not want him beating himself up about it. --It's heart-wrenching to see the one you love spiraling down a well of depression and know that you're the one that caused it.-- I guess in the midst of all of my contradictory desires, I did not conceal my emotions very well.
I wanted to hold him. But couldn't look at him without crying.
I wanted to yell at him. To beat him. I wanted him to feel the same shredded-heart feeling that I was enduring.
But I wanted him to be happy.
I wanted to caress his face.his hair.his back.

I wanted to love him and to hate him.

Interesting how pain, when received with ignorance, can be easily mistaken as awkwardness.
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