Some time passed. But it doesn't count.
Date: Mar 23rd, 2009 1:04:56 am - Subscribe
Mood: quiet
I had last year off.
I did nothing with my time.
I took some drugs, I struggled to get up every morning, I worked full time as a kitchenslave.
I came out the other side, but only barely.
I nearly lost myself in the haze of sedation, I had to push myself away and my only motivation was that of wanting to know.
Sure, I had the family, I had the public pressure, I had the girlfriend (for the start and the end), but it all means nothing when you don't care about your mind.
You don't need a mind to communicate, you only need a brain.
Perhaps this is why I suddenly felt the urge to write. To say something I actually care about, to feel something that makes me want to write.
I'm still trying to become completely human again but perhaps I'm missing certain human qualities now. I don't need other people the way I did in high school.
I only socialise if I really want to, I lock myself away and read my university texts instead of going drinking or taking drugs.
And I don't fear failure in university, I know I won't but I don't need to study as much as I do, I just find my solace is that of knowledge.
Am I a bad person for this?
No one would think so, they simply think I am studious.
If anybody did worry about this, they'd ask me to have a drink.
I don't like drinking all that much, it's such a predictable and wasteful activity. This isn't to say it's not fun, I just wouldn't be the one to suggest it, unless I was feeling sociable.
I suppose I haven't been here for a while, I hope to be back soon. I hope I'll have something to say.
- N/A
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Monday - A Note
Date: Sep 3rd, 2007 7:20:35 am - Subscribe
Mood: Cynical
Load on my mind: The Movie - The Doors
I can count the number of males i know of my age range who read.
Am i missing something?
More and more i wish i was a drone for the next cause, something mindless, something static.
Something that doesn't get recorded in a book. A statistic, or better yet a victim of a brutal mass slaughter, because the sick fact behind this is that everyone will remember the killer, only a friend or relative will remember you were a victim.
I feel like the aftermath, rubble, i laugh and play and rebel. This doesn't make me different. i may be young but to me this world is dead.
And maybe i am dumb. Because quite frankly, i can't see a way out of it. Honestly, i want kids one day, i really do, but i'd feel a gut wrenching guilt to bring them into this world.
Because at the end of the day, think about this.
What kind of world is this when we have to gain freedom and happiness?
In Aeternum,
Pura
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Sunday - A brain for saturday evening
Date: Aug 19th, 2007 4:47:19 am - Subscribe
Mood: abstract
Last night.
Absolute chaos.
Hell breaks loose and I’m sitting talking to a city slicker, cowboys and tech. Freaks.
Nothing to do but to drink my death and walk to the river is all I presume.
Followed by a city slicker, a tech and someone who asks to many questions and says too much.
To drown away what I see in a blaze of feet, dirt, ditches and nicotine gum.
To the river. To the river.
It meets the sea, meets to see.
Sit on the rocks and talk of the days we call the present.
We are calling to the worlds for comfort, for acceptance and for grief.
Greed, corruption, words run behind the people.
A city, a builder, a techie.
My brain drips from the can we talk from and the water sounds like the sweetness it leaks into the night air.
Breath it in.
The water is cool.
Pure, real, escape.
Drown and never see the light.
You only need one centimetre of water to drown in.
Take the reins, your destiny is in the water,
No, the city, the builder, the tech.
They beckon to the heavens to run to the sky,
Run to the hills, run with no feet, no feat,
Fall to hell.
Back in hell, we see the seats we talked from,
But we are sitting in the dark in a childhood memory…
Words, so many words, so many expletives now,
What happened here, the message so clear?
But now where am I?
Escape,
No, wait.
where are you going?
Back to the water to drown, dear
are you going?
Because this world is too dark,
I can’t be taken into the malevolence that is humans, dear
please don’t go I’ll take your limbs.
Please dearest honey I love you so dearly,
Keep me near but don’t deny me control.
Asleep now. Asleep. Asleep now. Asleep.
Running, to death, to vengeance, to knowing,
Three options, three paths thrown to the tip of my shoes.
To vengeance and knowing,
Where’s the knife I’m going to fix this
Ask questions and sly answers bring the knife to your throat,
How does it feel to be faced with death, we all want a little death
Dragged away by the drag queen, the alcohol evaporates,
Where lies this priority, in vengeance or in care?
In care, in care,
Priorities, fates idea.
Talk, calm, interact,
Honey, you are safe and there was no blood tonight,
Tomorrow the blood will have never been shed in the minds eye,
Tomorrow things will make sense, just breathe now.
Breathe, everything will be alright,
Breathe, bubbles, hope and dreams,
Forget this sick society.
Let’s get out of here
Lie.
Lie.
Lie.
I’m fine, sober now, give me the keys, I can drive
Love me love me, love,
In the car drunk and staring,
Sober, intoxicated, the same.
Safe. This is safety, safe.
Babe, you’re going too fast
Strawberries, tears and warm beds,
The night,
Fades,
Like shadows on night,
Only movement visible,
Sleep,
You did the right thing.
In aeternum,
Pura
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Tuesday - Trials.
Date: Aug 7th, 2007 6:56:41 am - Subscribe
Mood: Profound
Load on my mind: "The Crystal Ship" - The Doors
My girl.
My child.
My love.
My muse.
Everything i never asked for and something i couldn't stand to be aware of in a distant light.
You kill and stoke the fire.
You make me write the words the mind thinks subconsciously.
Every word from a dream, every word meaning something to a memory, to a metaphor i haven't made yet.
Every metaphor is nothing until i find its context.
Mindless ramble or the philosophy of life, its a fine line.
Nothing more to write about tonight, i'm too busy with education.
But soon, the world will wondrous, be it a dark alley or a sunny blue day, i will find its beauty and if i don't, its pain.
The time is coming for music, all i have to find is the right minds now.
But for now, to wait, to study, to have a fallback plan if the world fails me, like i bitterly predict.
-Pura
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Sunday - I'm not in love with anyone else.
Date: Jul 15th, 2007 1:23:32 am - Subscribe
Mood: Burned Out
Load on my mind: "if it be your will" - Leonard Cohen
Help me.
I’m dead.
I’m feeling empty and nothing will fill me.
No amount of money, no amount of music.
I’m at a loss, and I’m turning to writing.
I’m in hell.
How do you get by?
I fucking hate that you can do this to me.
Do I leave and wait for you?
Or am I weak. Use time as my ally, wait for your return.
I can’t.
I keep falling for people, but I’m not in love with anyone.
Am I heart broken?
Am I stupid?
What is wrong with me?
Girls everywhere, all I need to do is ask, but of everyone that wants me I want none of them.
I can’t fall for anyone. It’s been months.
But nothing has changed, and it could have, I keep screaming and yelling about how much has changed, but my mind keeps going back to you.
“She’s got diamonds on the inside”
Why do I let you affect me?
Why do I let myself appear weak, I don’t want to know you.
You just want to get out and have fun, you said we would have been together had it not been for me, but someone had to screw up.
It wasn’t meant to be,
Then why am I so convinced it was?
Why am I convinced that I’ve changed fate?
I hate love,
Chemical reactions.
Be fooled,
But no one fools me.
Fool me,
Show me I can love again,
Because I sure as hell can’t feel it.
Broken?
I hope not, I hope I can be repaired,
I won’t let myself live through this life if I can’t be repaired,
I won’t torture myself if I can’t be fixed.
I’d rather be dead then unable to feel.
In Aeternum,
Pura
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