Rafiqi's Blog

I don't know what to call it...
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Mood: bathed in blue


But maybe its the rainy weather that's been getting me all emotional. And I hate it, because I feel like I'm going to spiral back to one my black moods again.

As I sit back and contemplate the facts, I can't help but cringe...

My friends will kill me once they find out that I still love the boy who swept me away one summer...He remains a fucking bastard in their eyes. And mine too. Haha! He's head over heels in love with someone else, and I can't believe I'm helping him out. Erg.

I love my set of friends in my block. They're awesome. But somehow, I still find myself slightly discriminated for not speaking Tagalog as well as they do. Not my fucking fault, but I'm trying! I swear! I don't like feeling left behind. They're fun to be with, but I do wish they'd be more open with me. And the guys seem scared of me as well. Heh.

As for my highschool friends, oh boy. Recent events made me question myself whether I should see them again. They want it to be like old times, but I swear its the "old times" that drove me up the wall. I miss them, but I'm happier where I am now.

You may find this vague, but since I got into college, I've had my share of ups and downs. I also have been trying to become better...in almost everything I can do. From speaking damn Filipino to getting good grades, from being real sociable and whatnot. It's exhausting. Because..I don't know..I want to be a better version of myself compared to highschool. It's just so damn exhausting.

I skipped a shitload of parties this month. I spent my days working like a horse, all the while loving it because I was never so absorbed in my studies.

Oh, I got to see JD (INXS) yesterday. 'Effin hott!! *drool*

Night!
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Another Dead Fishy
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Mood: sad
Eargasm: City of Blinding Lights - U2

Me: *stares at goldfish* Ahahaha! This one's sleeping with its mouth open! ...It's awfully still...
Mom: Ooh..looks like it's gonna die.
Me: *stares some more and shudders*
Mom: Don't fascinate yourself with the dying process!


After a while, the body floats to the surface and my eyes widen.

Me: O_o aaah! It's dead!! ......Was this Pimple (my goldfish)??
Mom: No, that was Callisto (my little sister's)
Me: oh. *relief*
Mom: Kim, don't get too attached to the fish.
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Paradigm Shift
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Mood: out of breath
Eargasm: France - Italy Replay

I feel as if I've been knocked on the head. I read this article about Creative Survival and Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, a 19th century Jesuit philosopher was quoted, "We are are not human beings having a spiritual experience,
we are spiritual beings having a human experience"

A temporary existence. It hit me and I realized how I've been stressing over things too much. And I realized how unimportant it all was. I won't be here long..and neither will you.

So I sat back and took everything in. I'm going to relax more and fret less.

I've practically gone through life like a frightened child in a smoke-filled, crowded city where everyone just stares at the ground.

I feel lightheaded.

I hope, dear reader, that after you read this, you'd be filled with the impulse to do something totally cool and random to celebrate whatever time you have left.

Me? I'm throwing myself into the pool. [Aya, your pool ok?]


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2 Lines so far
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Mood: cookies!
Eargasm: someone's sweeping our sidewalk

You were the last high,
my lazy summer dream.

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A strange phase..
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Mood: just quiet...that's all.
Eargasm: Ballrooms of Mars

Well, it has been three weeks since I took a friend's advice and actually had a confrontation with my friend, Pickle.

And in the wake of that confrontation, I was faced with an easy, laid-back week. I'm not used to just having to sit and not worry about a thing. Football, saxophone and studies take up most of my time and energy. I am getting into a little reggae, which is nice.

I smile more now, actually.

I'm enjoying cartoons more, I cry easily. (romantic flicks like "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton") --I'm retarded, yes I know.

But upon learning of BRAZIL'S early exit from the World Cup recently, just made me so sad..I'm okay now though. =D

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Under the glow of the orange lamp...
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Mood: Just fine, thank you.
Eargasm: Porcelain

We, the four friends, were wrapped in an orange glow inside Cable Car’s coziest spot. It was Sisig Rice with a side dish of bleeding hearts on tonight’s menu. I sat quietly and listened, taking in as much of their hurt as I could. But as the minutes passed, the ashtray became a fragile heap of sticks and ash - like them, so fragile. I think it was the music playing in the background, drilling their pain-stricken lyrics into our heads.

It made us sadder and I sank into quiet contemplation on a revelation I just had:

Even if I had already ‘freed’ myself from something (or someone) that (or who) has held me back from doing anything in my life, I still feel the need to get out, start over and do my own thing. It has been something many people advised me to do while I was wallowing in a black pool of self-loathing. So I thought that once I’m past my problem, I’d be content. But I don’t seem to feel that way… Is that bad??

So I guess I felt fragile too.



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"I shut my eyes, and all the world drops dead."
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Mood: goofy


A line I cannot forget. Thank you, Sylvia Plath.

"The Beach" may not be one of the best films of 2000, but it sure has some unforgettable scenes.
I watched the film several times because I just couldn't get enough of the awesome beach...imagine living in a place like that??!

Richard: And me, I still believe in paradise. But now at least I know its not some place you can look for, cause its not where you go. Its how you feel for a moment in your life when you're a part of something, and if you find that moment... it lasts forever...

Agree?
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The world shall turn without me tonight..
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Mood: Peanut Butter
Eargasm: Dream Theater - Another Day

It is the sad mix of freedom and fear.

I'm distracting myself with Football and Sax and so far it's good. I don't know what'll happen to me though, once the World Cup season is over. My thoughts will stray again and betray me, because I tend to worry a lot about other people and I think too much.

I can't think past next week. O_o I'm so used to having things all planned out.

-------------------------------------------------------
Nothing but little colored candies on my mind"
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