Rafiqi's Blog

Fucking a..
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Mood: Fucking a...


It was a very quiet and peaceful drive home. The pretty lights from the buildings and the cool air was enough to lift my spirits after a long day.

Then my friend, Pickle, messaged me. She needed to talk. I thought it was something serious, so when it was my turn at the wheel I raced home.

And I TRIED to parallel park. But I hit the wall instead. Now I've got long white scratches smiling at me below the fucking right headlight.

Next time, must stay focused.

I found out that all Pickle wanted to talk about was a dinner in Antonio's on Saturday night. I reminded her about the debut we were supposed to attend that night. I had already said yes, but she had backed out.

Oh, it's a little dinner. With friends whom I miss dearly. I don't know why but I felt upset with the idea about them enjoying a dinner at Antonio's without me. Again. Always without me.

Fucking a...
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It could rain all day..
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Mood: you know what FINE stands for?
Eargasm: Vapour Trail - Ride

I'm a wuss with cigarettes. Firetips I call them. Given my weak system, I can't take much of them yet I still do.

God, the headrushes.

Firetips make me think, I sink into a state of painful contemplation and pick at the little emotional scabs that have formed throughout the years.

Routine, as one friend described, can save one's sanity. It was routine that filled the bleak summer days spent praying to disappear.

Routine left me no time to dwell and ponder on things long past.

Still man, I think too much.
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Of love and destruction..
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Mood: torn


It's times like these when you know you've created something so beautiful,

that you must set it on fire, and walk away.

Watch from a distance; see how the city lights up from the fire,

Feel that fire burn within you too.

Would you consider it better to see it withered and scarred? However tainted with wisdom and time?

Know that even if it was the time of your life, at the intensity of your power, the peak of your youth,

It can’t last forever.

Leave with a smile, a tear or a shout…

That way you’ll know what living is all about…
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This is what I wanted..
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Mood: i love my summer


..and I'm not sure if it's for the best.

Summer, as I knew it, was ending right before my eyes. Even if others say that I did the right thing, I have yet to see it go full swing. This whole college experience has got to be different. I didn't want to feel trapped like I did in highschool so I made the radical decision to get out and do my own thing.

And you know what? I'm so fucking scared.

And to think that it all began with you. If I had not lost myself that night, if I had not been tacked to your wall of shame, things would definitely be different. Much different. It was your pride that got a lot of our skins nailed to your wall. Your pride that made Jo want to rip your eyes out. Your pride that nearly drove me insane. Yet I stuck with you since day one.

If I had left you, you would definitely get beaten up...hahaha! I'm kidding.

But despite all that, I owe you a lot. You are one of my dearest friends with that quirky smile and 'jumoungous' pride.

Haha, Pickle.
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Maybe if I tried to forget
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Mood: disgruntled


last night's drinking party, I'd be fine. But I didn't like to be, as aya called it, 'taken advantage of' just because I was intoxicated. =( it sucks.

Alexander Pope is a painterly writer. Aside from the line used in the film, 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' there is another poem that struck me:

When all is quiet..
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Mood: Drenched in Wine
Eargasm: Here he goes again..

A friend sent me a random text message and I altered some of the words to suit my weirdness:

"Betrayer, speak not of your sins..You and this world ripped my fucking heart out..Again and again."

How emo. How evil of him to make me remember, haha you know who you are.
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Living in Sin with a Safety Pin
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Mood: cold


Sometimes I wonder whether I did the right thing:

There is this special group of people whom I love to pieces. But I spent many nights of my senior year crying because of them...well no, maybe just Trish, my dearest friend. I have never met anyone who made me cry so much and so often.

I think it's called inferiority complex.

The reasons are just as vague and selfish of me. They are gathering dust in a little corner of my mind.

I loved spending time with this special group of friends. They seem to understand and love me just the same. But what I could not grasp was how everytime I was with them, I was losing my identity. I hated that gaping hole inside myself and it grew everytime I hung out with them. Somehow, my flaws became my obssesion and I envied every happy living soul on earth. Especially Trish, who seemed to have the world wrapped around her finger.

I was losing my mind in stages but ready to walk through fire for these girls.

I became the walking dead for most of my senior year, wishing and hoping to escape. I was not happy with them, I loved them to pieces though. Yet I couldn't understand why I felt so 'out of it'.

At the end of the year, I backed out from the college my friends and I got into, and into another college that promised me a better future.

Summer for me was the busiest ever and I did not see the girls for the longest time. I was on my own and it felt great. A little part of me misses them so and wonders how college life will be without them by my side. Will it be better? Or not?

The possibilities are endless.

Sometimes, I wonder if leaving them was the right thing to do...




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Cold Feet
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Mood: sluggish


Listening to Aerosmith's Crying.

My feet are cold. I will be starting college on Monday and the rainy season has just begun. I think I'm going to get shot for speaking English.

"Nosebleed", they call it.
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