"I have to go see about a girl."

Why am I such a tool??? :(
Date: Jul 25th, 2006 7:07:49 am - Subscribe
Mood: Down
Song: Starfield - Shipwreck

So... I really feel like a tool right now...

I can't believe how big a failure I am rigth now. I've commited myself to building a deck for my deck but lack the will to just do it and get it done. I keep brining up all these things that are creating issues for both my mother and father and decisions they are needing to make in regards to how the deck will look. Seeing as I am moving out in about a year it's supposed to be a favor to them but I keep saying, wouldn't it look better stained? If we plan on staining it we need to lift up the old deck and put down new wood. In this case the deck looks complete. But we could simply extend it and repaint the old colour. But it looks all disgusting in my mind but the point is that I keep brining up all these problems instead of just doing it.

Thats not even the worst of it... I'm failing making my girlfriend happy... and to me, thats the biggest failure I could be... Tonight I almost completely ignored her because I was playing a game... A GAME!!! I would say something then disappear for like 10 min or so then come back, and she would be gone ... How can I be so inconsiderate to her?

Finally, to add on to everything I'm slowly realizing I'm slipping in my life in general. I don't have a job, photography isn't taking me anywhere, and I'm going to university in a year and have NO clue what I plan on doing with my life.... Sure, I still have time to plan and all that jazz, but time is just wizzing by and I'm running out of it. I would love to go into something with Computer Graphics, Design, or even programming... but then I also love helping people in which case Pschyology is the route I want to take, but then there is also my will to act, sing, and play music ... I dont want to choose something and lose out on a life that could have been amazing... And what if I choose to go away from town for University ... I dont even dear think of it because I couldn't bare to be away from my girlfriend for that long. I know I shouldn't make a lifelong decision based upon one girl... but, I love her ...

I hate having this much time to think. I do nothing all day. NOTHING. I mean its 1a.m and I am still sitting here in my pajamas :|...
All my friends are out of town and my girlfriend has a job... then there is little old me who has NOTHING!!!! NOTHING but this bloody deck to build. I am stuck at home with my mother 24/7 now and I really cannot handle it for much more. Yes, I love my mom, but there is only so much of her I can take!! I guess the point is, I need a social life but it I cannot grasp it... The only social life I have is on a mic program with my guild mates from the same game that I couldn't pull myself away from to catch up with my girlfriend....

Anyways, this entry is getting long and so I'm gonna end it here... Next time I will write something more happy... Oh yah, Moral of the story: Do something with your life because sitting around doing jack all can make a person go crazy. Enjoy life well your options are still open because they close fast.

Later guys,

Zatherus
Comments: (1)

fiona - July 25th, 2006 Dear Zatherus, Your bio doesn't say how old you are, but I'm guessing something like 17. So for a 17 yr old or thereabouts, I think you sound pretty normal and also not the kind to be into trouble, etc. What I mean to say is that it's good that you have realised that life passes quickly and that decisions need to be made, but it's also good to know that there will be plenty of time to devote to working when you are older. You might let your parents decide what kind of deck they want and then just please them. You can always resolve to be more considerate to your girl and even give her a flower or a note and tell her you didn't mean to ignore her. Maybe you are right to not get too involved with her anyway. People need space. Maybe rather than work, you could volunteer somewhere. That always makes a person feel constructive. This IS the time in your life when it's okay to be interested in lots of things and try different hats on. You don't have to decide right now what you will do with the rest of your life. Just explore and research and enjoy life. Don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like a very nice person to me.

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