Interesting Tidbit
Date: Jul 28th, 2009 6:47:38 am - Subscribe
Just noticed--- almost exactly three years to the day I wrote here last. Odd.
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Forever Ago
Date: Jul 28th, 2009 6:46:19 am - Subscribe
Mood: conflicted
Still struggle with "Who am I?" and a little depression, and now, arthritis and fibromyalgia, and wondering who the hell my husband and I are as a couple. Nice.
My life is good, most would agree, and I would agree with them. But I still struggle, because now, am not a stay at home mom, have spent the last four years gradually re-entering the workforce, to the point of now working 40 hours a week and having NO time for my kids, my horses, myself, the gym, or anything positive I might want to pursue.
Yeah, have still struggled with the beer. But hey, we all have our faults and demons. My husband can't quit smoking. Oh well.
Struggle with my faith again. Or still. Maybe. I'm not sure which. Not singing in the choir anymore, did that off and on for two seasons, but haven't in awhile. Miss it, and yet, don't.
No more brain meds. Took various anti-depressants over the last four years, only one of which seemed to help at all, and that one was still a far cry from what I long to be. No more anxiety meds, though. Doing alright without so far.
Only meds I'm on now are for arthritis and fibro, both of which are hell. Discovered I have spondylitis or something or other I can't recall exactly at the moment-- supposed to be getting ready for work-- spinal arthritis, you know. Nice. Taking Lyrica and Relafen. Both help somewhat so far. Mostly have some degree of physical pain all the time regardless, just less when I take those. It's whatever, anymore.
The new job is nice. I like the job itself. But the *amount of hours* I work....stealing the life I had, making the Dulling of Me complete, nearly. I am almost a hamster on a wheel. It's working.
No more pony. Daughter has moved up to horse, and by default, we now have TWO horses to train. And me with no time.
Before this year, depression and illness was stealing all that time I had available. Now, a full-time job has taken over, and I really DO have NO TIME anymore.
Need to lose about thirty pounds. So far, not happening, in spite of my well-meant, but half-hearted efforts. Only half-hearted due to LACK OF TIME to exercise.
Gotta drop the beer. Actually, have done so for the most part. But it's fattening, and even the dozen or so on the weekend need to go.
I spend most of whatever time I have to write anymore writing in my other journal, which is where I left most of my angst and few happiness moments over the last few years. I work over there, when I need to write. The only reason I'm here today is, I got a strange email from Aeonity that I had a new comment-- which I DON'T. And I had pretty much forgotten all about this blog.
Camera broke. I'm broke, so I don't have the $ to replace it. Sucks. I miss my camera severely. It's been two months now. Almost three. Really sucks.
Well, guess I'd better go get ready for work. I'm really wasting time right now.
Maybe I will be here again, maybe not. More likely not, asd I have very little time to be online these days, and anyway, it gets spent in my other journal, or on Facebook (yeah, my kids sucked me into FB. Still prefer Myspace, and still have one, although, I don't get there either anymore, not much.) Or I spend it online paying bills. And that's about it.
A whole lot has happened in the last few years since I wrote....too much to try to encapsulate here, and really, I don't feel like reliving some of it anyway. So I won't. Suffice it to say-- I'm still changing, still morphing, still sad my mom died, still miss my siblings, still love living here in the Midwest, and still have NO IDEA WHO THE HELL I AM anymore.
Maybe I will find out soon just who the hell I am.
But I doubt it.
Off to the hamster wheel, now.
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No suitable title for this entry, I don't know what to say.
Date: Jul 27th, 2006 1:51:27 pm - Subscribe
Mood: bipolar
I never have much worthwhile to say anyhow. To anyone.
Here am I again. It's apparently been a year since I wrote anything here. Looking back at my entries, I can see the depressive episode I was in at the time. I can also read the hypomanic episodes in a couple of entries as well.
Interesting, I haven't changed much....although now I'm beginning to recognize the shifts when they occur. It would just be nice to put a stop to them, or at least to ther behavior that results from them, when I see it coming. I even went through a scary suicidal period last winter....or was it this spring? can't recall. I can't kill myself, because of what it would do to my family; so I won't. But the pain at that time was SO SO SO bad. It was awful.
Well, I've been keeping a pretty steady journal at one regular diary sit online. It seems to work for me.
I'm still struggling with new meds, not wanting meds, some drinking off and on, anxiety attacks, some depression, a little mania, and a bunch of other crap. I'm truly tired of myself.
I just wish I could find who I am, and stick with that. Live a "regular" life, and be happy all the time.
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Hurrican Rita...
Date: Sep 21st, 2005 3:45:56 am - Subscribe
Mood: pretty sure of myself
Cat 3 by 12:00 midnight Central time.
Cat 4 by noon Eastern on the 21st.
Landfall at Houston by Thursday noon.**IF** it doesn't hang a right and head for New Orleans, which REALLY is MY estimation.
Just a guess.
I'm wicked, aren't I?
This is coming from the girl who LIKES earthquakes, and WANTS to take pictures of a tornado. Yeah...well.....so I'm wierd. But I **DO** know my weather.
Mark my words, people...my estimates will probably be pretty doggone close.
Hmm.
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Here comes Rita!!
Date: Sep 19th, 2005 8:24:13 pm - Subscribe
Mood: serious
Buy your gasoline NOW, while the prices are back down, because Rita is headed for the Gulf of Mexico, in the path of Katrina. There are approx. 175 drilling rigs in the gulf, along with many many refineries in Texas that Katrina didn't get on her pass through. The refineries in Louisiana are still down. The port of New Orleans, a MAJOR worldwide shipping port, has already been taken down.
What does that mean to YOU, the consumer? well, it means that railways, already expensive to ship by, are already overbooked; trucking is pricey, and now busier than a one armed man in boxing match. The trucking industry (and I speak from experience, wife of a trucker) already supports ALL of the other shipping industries. It carries EVERYTHING you buy, whether out of PORT cities, RAILWAYS, or domestic manufacturing. If you got it, a truck brought it, TRUST ME.
Gas in my hometown (Greenville, Illinois) went back down about 25 cents after Katrina passed, and the "recovery" operations began. But now, we have rita barreling into the Gulf, not crossing much land in Florida, therefore, able to gather steam in the warm Gulf waters, much like her sister Katrina did. The estimated path (courtesy of the National Weather Service) is anywhere from western Mississippi to the Texas shores, just west of Galveston. Hey Galveston, remember YOUR past history with hurricanes? Well, gasoline just went back up $4.00 a barrel (may not mean much to you, but my hubby ALSO worked in the oilfields for years, as did my grandfather, so we KNOW what that means!). You'd better fill up now, before Rita makes landfall. The prices will begin going up, by my estimate, by tomorrow, in anticipation of Rita's landfall, even though she's not expected to get there till Friday. but the rigs are all in the Gulf, so she will affect the oil industry way sooner than one migh expect!
As a weather buff, I find all this fascinating. (I live in Tornado Alley, formerly lived in California with earthquakes and wildfires...equally fascinating). I am glad I don't live in the hurricane range, and I have already given to the Red Cross, and am currently helping to connect separated families; but I have to say, Rita could very well be a repeat of Katrina.
Let me just add this-- I think, in spite of all his "positive attitude", that New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin is an idiot. why is he encouraging people to come back to N.O.?? Especially with yet another possible Category 3 bearing down on the Gulf? REBUILD the city, in the heart of the hurricane season?? What, is this guy FOR REAL??? Geez, I just don't get it. Now is not the time!! Of all the government boobs to be involved in this, I think he's the worst.
Well, that's MY say on the current hurricane situation. Let's just watch and see what pans out in the next few days....
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