Forever Ago
Date: Jul 28th, 2009 6:46:19 am - Subscribe
Mood: conflicted
Still struggle with "Who am I?" and a little depression, and now, arthritis and fibromyalgia, and wondering who the hell my husband and I are as a couple. Nice.
My life is good, most would agree, and I would agree with them. But I still struggle, because now, am not a stay at home mom, have spent the last four years gradually re-entering the workforce, to the point of now working 40 hours a week and having NO time for my kids, my horses, myself, the gym, or anything positive I might want to pursue.
Yeah, have still struggled with the beer. But hey, we all have our faults and demons. My husband can't quit smoking. Oh well.
Struggle with my faith again. Or still. Maybe. I'm not sure which. Not singing in the choir anymore, did that off and on for two seasons, but haven't in awhile. Miss it, and yet, don't.
No more brain meds. Took various anti-depressants over the last four years, only one of which seemed to help at all, and that one was still a far cry from what I long to be. No more anxiety meds, though. Doing alright without so far.
Only meds I'm on now are for arthritis and fibro, both of which are hell. Discovered I have spondylitis or something or other I can't recall exactly at the moment-- supposed to be getting ready for work-- spinal arthritis, you know. Nice. Taking Lyrica and Relafen. Both help somewhat so far. Mostly have some degree of physical pain all the time regardless, just less when I take those. It's whatever, anymore.
The new job is nice. I like the job itself. But the *amount of hours* I work....stealing the life I had, making the Dulling of Me complete, nearly. I am almost a hamster on a wheel. It's working.
No more pony. Daughter has moved up to horse, and by default, we now have TWO horses to train. And me with no time.
Before this year, depression and illness was stealing all that time I had available. Now, a full-time job has taken over, and I really DO have NO TIME anymore.
Need to lose about thirty pounds. So far, not happening, in spite of my well-meant, but half-hearted efforts. Only half-hearted due to LACK OF TIME to exercise.
Gotta drop the beer. Actually, have done so for the most part. But it's fattening, and even the dozen or so on the weekend need to go.
I spend most of whatever time I have to write anymore writing in my other journal, which is where I left most of my angst and few happiness moments over the last few years. I work over there, when I need to write. The only reason I'm here today is, I got a strange email from Aeonity that I had a new comment-- which I DON'T. And I had pretty much forgotten all about this blog.
Camera broke. I'm broke, so I don't have the $ to replace it. Sucks. I miss my camera severely. It's been two months now. Almost three. Really sucks.
Well, guess I'd better go get ready for work. I'm really wasting time right now.
Maybe I will be here again, maybe not. More likely not, asd I have very little time to be online these days, and anyway, it gets spent in my other journal, or on Facebook (yeah, my kids sucked me into FB. Still prefer Myspace, and still have one, although, I don't get there either anymore, not much.) Or I spend it online paying bills. And that's about it.
A whole lot has happened in the last few years since I wrote....too much to try to encapsulate here, and really, I don't feel like reliving some of it anyway. So I won't. Suffice it to say-- I'm still changing, still morphing, still sad my mom died, still miss my siblings, still love living here in the Midwest, and still have NO IDEA WHO THE HELL I AM anymore.
Maybe I will find out soon just who the hell I am.
But I doubt it.
Off to the hamster wheel, now.
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