It looks like a mullet.
WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THIS?????
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Becca always tells me that I shouldn't care what other people think of me. It's so funny how a girl with no boobs, short, chubby, angry disposition, and no manners can have as many friends as she does. She doesn't try to act like anyone, she's just being herself, and there are people in the world who respect her for it. Namely, myself. However, I'm stuck feeling so alone sometimes. I get angry and explode and can be a real bitch sometimes, but so can she. People respect her when she does, but no one seems to be there to respect me. Maybe I'm just being selfish and whiney because people don't pay attention to me... but I can't help but wonder why some people react so differently to me. I must be the only loser on this planet without a best friend... or even a really good friend. I get bored of all my friends after a while. They all seem to annoy me after a while, and I need change so frequently, I change the color of my other blog everyday because the old colors bore me that quickly. I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to see those people again. I want to go somewhere else where no one knows me and I can be whoever I want to be. Make new and better first impressions, y'know? Everyone's already got their first impression of me, and it's not changing. I don't want to live through another year with the same impressions of me. They're all wrong. Everyone else seems to have someone who respects them for who they are, gives them advice when they're in trouble. Everyone else does things with their friends even on weekdays *gasp*, everyone else seems to be so easily social and accepted. Maybe I just don't get out enough, y'know? Maybe being angry and being synical and being loud and bitchy... maybe that just isn't in me. Personality tweaks... last time I tried this it didn't work at all... it just made me sad. I constantly feel like I'm posing as someone, but I don't know how to pose like myself. Peter said that I needed to be more friendly. I used to be friendly... what happened to me? How do you be a friendly person without appearing flirty or desperate? I used to be so nice... but so naive... I never watched TV... never listened to music except the Beatles... practically never left the house... had no friends... and the cool kids always made fun of me because I had no idea what they were saying... what the hell is a "foshizzle"???? I was afraid of curse words, FLE, talking about sex... everyone could find an easy way to laugh at me. I've always been the odd one out. For once in my stupid life, I'd just like to belong to something, be part of something, mean something more than scum to someone, and then actually be able to say, if anyone would ever ask me, "Yes, I have a circle of friends. We're all really different, but we support eachother, and we'll never get boring." Someday... hopefully. I've got to get out more. I'm really a social person, but I need my alone time. I need people to talk to, people who talk to me, people who listen... for whatever reason. Quite stereotypical of an actress, but it's really how I am. Julia calls me "little emo child", but I don't know if someone who can quickly gravitate between happy, angry, sad, and happy again can really be emo... I generally think of emo kids as quiet, reserved, often sad people. I'm too spontaneus for my own good; I'm whatever I feel like being. So then why am I so alone...? Do I smell funny...??? Only nerds and geeks have ever ahd crushes on me. I don't think of myself as an ugly person... but I can't comfortably wear a cute little tank-top, I feel awkward in a bathing suit... I'm just uncomfortable and awkward in this body. Does that give people license to have a personal vendetta against me? I want to change... I so badly want to be accepted socially in some way... ...but that has got to be the stupidest thing that's ever come out of my mouth. Everyone always tells me that people will just accept me if I be myself. Be myself...? Suddenly these words seem foreign to me and I still have no idea what to do. I whine. A lot. I probably have nothing to be complaining about anyway... I'm just being selfish and wishing that there were more people who adored me. Or maybe I have a justifiable cause to be purely sad about. Who knows. Time will tell. I hope. |
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Maybe today was just a bad day. It seems that every time I'm talking to someone I start whining about something, or repeating myself over and over again. I am one annoying person. Control yerself... come on now... Peter is mad at me. I don't know why. If there's one thing that I absolutely can't stand more than anything else, is being hated by someone I don't hate. I feel sick. I've got to make this right, there are only two more days we'll ever see eachother... and this could easily scar my conscience. Easily. Gotta fix this. Okay. Be more freindly... but HOW. I'll just not talk tomorrow, and if someone addresses me, I'll answer to the best of my ability. I just won't talk otherwise. People will think I'm sick. Or sad. They will be right. But it just might work. I just need to be as nice and as unobtrusive as possible. I will not be annoying. I can't be. |
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Okay. Summer has zoomed by like a bullet... time stops for no one, but espiecially not me. I'm afraid of entering a new year. This year I've absolutely got to be perfect. No mistakes. None. I am a nerd, I am a loner, I am deathly afraid. Time stops for no one. No one. |
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I swear: I have a bowl-cut with a really fat tail. It looks like a mullet. WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THIS?????
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