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so i've ventured off the electronic music path and have landed in the demoscene. it makes me sad that i am now discovering this. demos are computer driven music pieces, highly layered, totally synthetic sounds - frankly machines can be beautiful. lets see what i can do behind the mixer... anyway, machine i am not. i think baths are sexier than anything. i love how the water takes the shape of the person, and as Ms Katrina has told me of her impending bath, i cant help but imagine her shape. i cant think of a much more intimate thing than being allowed to serve someone while they bathe. to take the dirt off them, wash their hair (and does the short hair suit her),, oh a boy can dream can't he. i remember the first time i did this for someone, and she ordered me into her bath water as she was done. i could still feel her. apparently that experience was so good that i forgot to be careful preparing her next bath and set the water dial on bake. confucious says, "boy with head in clouds gets penis burnt" and on an unrelated heat subject, i've often wondered why in the movies when someone takes a bath, they are usually surrounded by 50,000 candles of different heights and sizes? i mean i would think 1-4 might be enough. apparently not. beauty and the geek = best show on tv. |
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so i made my usual morning shopping run at the food store - a routine of mine. can't stand the crowds and i tend to get a smile every 1 out of 10 or 11 times from a cashier instead of never at other times of the day. i cant live without my fruit. i've become an apple snob, spending hours in the produce section, making everyone angry by touching every piece of fruit looking for the perfect ones. i admit i like coming early too because there are some nice looking cashiers that put a smile on your face - if you're into that sort of thing. which i am. in typical fashion, i prefer this one cashier who has yet to even say hello to me. i think up until this morning i had gotten 10 or so consecutive food totals from her - and thats about it. today was going to be different - i needed a hello. as i twiddled with a bag of pretzels as they sat on the belt, i concocted a plan. as it became my turn and my goods rolled up the belt i was faced with executing said plan. well damn, she looked really good up close. nice necklace. hm...silence. my plan quickly came undone. i couldn't very well do nothing, so i just said the first ridiculous thing that came into my head. "you're looking nice this morning" i obviously caught her by surprise, as she looked up and took a step back. i ignored the lameness of my comment, and waited. she looked me back, and then spoke, "yeah, well you're not." ow. silence followed for a second, and then a muttering of "paper". well i did get a number of items on sale today. i tried telling myself that she doesn't like me because i buy so much produce and she has to weigh everything and it takes forever. but i doubt that. i'm okay with her thinking im unattractive. that doesn't make me like her any less. |
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i had tuned in randomly to some trashy talk show and had caught a woman making a complaint about her husband and how he refuses to touch her during her period, and she couldn't understand it. that was followed by 4 or 5 female audience members standing up and saying about how they'd never have sex during this time, etc - reinforcing the same attitude this man had about his wife. although pads and tampons are effective, and get the job done - i find it interesting how we've pushed ourselves from the natural world. the idea of this man accepting her as his wife and then drawing a line against what is her body's natural process seems hideous to me. he could make an attempt. how is his declaration different from him saying that he is only going to be her lover 6 days of the week and on saturday he's disappearing and coming back on sunday? to me, she's living with a man that hasn't accepted her for ALL she is. that seems very sad to me. and its not totally this man's fault. the women who were so quick to leap up and back him up demonstrated this. im going to do some research and find out more... |
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the first time i had ever heard of chastity - i had in my mind the image of some 15th century metal clamp you wore on your waist. it was pretty comical to me. it wasn't many years later until the idea was brought up by a dominant woman i was seeing. this was very early in my experience with D/s and i as you could have imagined - fluffed it off. why would you do that? but she was insistent. so she came home one day - package in hand. it was a crude sort of metallic trap kit, and apparently, it was supposed to go on my penis. i liked that she was interested in doing this, and hey - how bad could it be. it didn't fit quite right, but still, she got it on. so i walked around with it on, not really sure what to do. i asked, "okay, what now?" she looked at me calmly, and said, "now nothing...you wear it until i let you out." the next morning i woke up with pain...i was getting an erection, and it HURT. i complained but got nothing more than a "don't get a hard-on." that day was a nightmare. i kept pulling on it, i kept getting hard randomly to pain, the metal was heavy and digging into me...on and on. i was irritable all day, and after being teased mid day, i was pretty much unbearably annoying. later that night, she called me into the bathroom and with an exhale i sensed she was going to relieve me of this burden. she examined the device, then looking at me - she asked,"i guess you'd like me to take this off?" i muttered that i would like that, yes. she snapped back with a "Why?" And of course i went right back into the complaints, about how it hurt, was heavy, etc. She didn't answer and at least a minute passed as i stood before her waiting. she moved closer to me and broke an eery silence. she had spit right in my face. i was so shocked that i just sat there, looking back. she spit on me again, the second time getting her saliva in my eyes. this forced my eyes shut, thankfully as a third time followed quickly. i could hear her voice trail off instantly as i heard words float in and out. bed...don't...clean...sleep. i didn't sleep much that night. but when light came, i went to the side of the bed and waited for her to wake up. she looked at me, smiling. i had learned. later that night, when it was removed, i felt a little sad. i would learn more lessons while in chastity - but few were better than that first one. less is definitely more. |
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last night, like any other night was a great big unknown. my sleep used to be rock solid. predictable. when my head hits the pillow these days - i could be going anywhere. and that's not a good feeling. when i struggle most with unhappiness, i would describe it as the voice in the back of my mind speaking to me. always fixated on me, and always hiding. the negative emotions are all cowards, its funny that way. they hit and always run. clearly, i have not driven it out. i don't expect to live free of difficulty. my soul is not at peace... and as i fall off to sleep i am reminded of this burdens current resting place. my nightmares are random, not about any particular people or things. just about dread. but what do i dread? i simply don't know. i wonder if its even real, and to be honest - the not knowing is worse than anything. i think what i fear more than anything is potential. what if i cannot live up to my own expectation? what is on the other side of personal disappointment? im aware that life is simplicity in many regards. most do not care about their own potential, or have the luxury of fretting about it. simply working, gaining money, having a family, etc is good enough and no further thought is needed. if i had gone through the years healthy, i imagine thats where i would be - and glad for it. its not simple like that anymore. living with this weight makes success infinitely more important. success beyond the trivialities of life... beyond the cannon fodder. now that my eyes are open beyond the point i could have ever believed, closing them again seems...tragic. |