night...where?
Date: Jul 20th, 2005 7:53:24 pm - Subscribe
last night, like any other night was a great big unknown. my sleep used to be rock solid. predictable. when my head hits the pillow these days - i could be going anywhere. and that's not a good feeling.
when i struggle most with unhappiness, i would describe it as the voice in the back of my mind speaking to me. always fixated on me, and always hiding. the negative emotions are all cowards, its funny that way. they hit and always run.
clearly, i have not driven it out. i don't expect to live free of difficulty. my soul is not at peace... and as i fall off to sleep i am reminded of this burdens current resting place.
my nightmares are random, not about any particular people or things. just about dread. but what do i dread? i simply don't know. i wonder if its even real, and to be honest - the not knowing is worse than anything.
i think what i fear more than anything is potential. what if i cannot live up to my own expectation? what is on the other side of personal disappointment? im aware that life is simplicity in many regards. most do not care about their own potential, or have the luxury of fretting about it. simply working, gaining money, having a family, etc is good enough and no further thought is needed.
if i had gone through the years healthy, i imagine thats where i would be - and glad for it. its not simple like that anymore.
living with this weight makes success infinitely more important. success beyond the trivialities of life... beyond the cannon fodder.
now that my eyes are open beyond the point i could have ever believed, closing them again seems...tragic.
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paperdoll - July 20th, 2005 |
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_kermie_ - July 20th, 2005 |
