http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_ The 10 most recent public blogs by _kermie_ Fri, 25 Jul 2008 11:45:05 -0500 Aeonity Blog v2 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/31350 wtf. there is scary shit on youtube. http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/31350 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/11 Thu, 06 Jul 2006 22:45:11 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/31124 I used to think that youth was an excuse for my desires. That somehow the raging hormones of the teenage years was justification for any mental calamity. The pain of my formative years had effects far greater than I had admitted to myself. To compound my situation, others I met gave little opposition to my penchant for self-destruction. It was unknown to me, which caused me greater satisfaction ; to hurt myself or to hurt others. It hardly mattered at the time. I knew no other outlet except to immerse myself in the darkest matters of the mind. I started to drink early in life. Probably when I was about 14 or so. My first girlfriend, a 13 year old, introduced me to hard alcohol. I had met her over the Internet. I took to visiting her as I could. The effort was immense to release myself and this provided ample opportunity. I wanted to get my sexual career under way with great celerity. I was smitten, truly. It was impossible to distinguish love from my desire to escape with her. I fantasized about running away to her, outlasting our advance to being legal adults, and enjoying the fruits of previously unknown satisfaction. She was beautiful and fucked up. I drank with her in secret and waxed about the things that children do. We spent every moment we could touching each other and kissing. It was powerful, and I never wanted it to end. Our feelings advanced and I was obsessed with taking her virginity. I never did. My frustration and anger crept into my desires. I lost the satisfaction of orgasm. I left her to come home to nothing. I began to resent her for reasons I could not fathom. We masturbated consistently while we chatted on the phone. I continued to visit but the tension built. I never understood why she wouldn't let me fuck her. She soon informed me that she had met someone else. Despite the passion of her affection for me, she turned to an older guy who would go on to fuck and beat her. She was never the same. It took me years to let her go. I hated and loved her. I wished I had been the one to beat her and hurt her. So that I could make her mine and so we could forget the madness in our lives. I couldn't forgive myself for failing to make it work. I began a string of relationships to wash myself of her. I chose the weakest and most vulnerable to exact my revenge upon. There was a constant duality in what I sought. To let the ones I brought close suffer like I was, and to show them the love I wished for. An impossible combination sure, but effective nevertheless. I tried to fuck every girl I met. I succeeded unless they were too distracted to let me in. I got inside empty homes filled with abusive parents, the divorced, and the depressed. There would be nights of listening to a girlfriend be slapped and kicked by her mother as she held the phone to talk to me, begging me to do nothing more than listen and feel her. I dated a girl who begged me to beat her, to force myself on her sexually. I never laid a hand on her. It seemed unworthy of myself to hurt someone who was foolish enough to ask. I wanted to though. I fantasized about raping her until she couldn't take it anymore. Until she never asked for it again. So maybe she would ask for kindness instead. That I would show her, gladly. I made a habit of cheating on everyone. I couldn't stop pushing myself. I lost interest in school at the predictable moment. It held no intellectual challenge, only the frustration of my inability to advance myself in any systemic way. My rebellion was thrown into the melting pot of learning disabilities. Scarce, was my preferred condition. I took to finding other influences to fill my days. Spending time with my ill mother, teaching myself the ways of the computer, being alone, drinking. I fell into the underworld of the burgeoning internet and made friends with its earliest deviants. This was a world of untold perversions and an outlet for all forms of madness. It was truly surreal. The internet was a dangerous place in the early days and conflict was real. It was difficult to hide when you didn't know to protect your identity. I walked a fine line hiding this from my family. I desperately wanted to protect them. But this was a place to experience every aspect of humanity, i had to immerse myself. I wished to know the hideous and the beautiful! I would go on to meet over 50 people from the internet. Most became friends. Some became trouble. I took to trying to convince myself that I was bisexual. It seemed perfectly ironic to me that I found the concept horrifying, disgusting and exciting all at once. I started to hang out with some gay friends I had met on the internet. I found a guy who found me attractive and he began to pursue me. I worked myself up to relent to him. I let him show me pornography and sat in rapture as he talked about fucking me. We became very good friends aside from his carnal aspirations. He was brilliant and talented at everything I liked. I had it in my mind that despite an overwhelming mental conundrum, I would try and let him fuck me. I tried again and again to open my mind but I was simply incapable. It was another failure. I was not bisexual. I began to revile him but keep him as a close friend. It was an amusing collection of attempts to desexualize his behavior. That failed and we crashed and we burned as friends. I remember so little of this period that I wonder what I was aiming for. It was impossible to quantify the extent of my disgust for women. Ironically, I had even more disgust for men. It wasn't long before I took to asexual behavior. It was fun to be a child again and I swore off sex. I have no idea how long this lasted. There was a certain freedom in imagining myself free of sex, free of deviance. I reinforced that I had love and affection for others. I cared and bonded with my mother, now very sick. I floated in and out of normal everyday life, finding time to be with my friends, to play sports, to build the facade to prove everything was quite okay. Despite what the Who believed, the kids were certainly not alright. I will never forget some random moments. I was not even 18 and I took a flight to visit my aunt and uncle. In transit, I found myself talking at length to the woman next to me. She was an insurance adjustor. Her dress was highly professional, attractive, and well put together. I found her interesting in a sublime sort of way. I couldn't tell if she was humoring me with conversation, supremely bored, or enrapt with my speech. We talked like schoolgirls about total bullshit. I found myself entertained by the fluidity of our speech given our obvious age differences ( I think she was in her early 30's). I chalked it up to my charm and wit. Time passed quickly and we arrived in the terminal. We talked as we walked and I thanked her for passing the time with me. She told me I should visit her in New York. I laughed as I would if someone told you a joke that was on the verge of being tasteless. She was serious. I had her business card in my hand and her home number was scribbled on the back. I was incredulous. Was she actually interested in me? She walked away mostly in silence after giving me her card, leaving me to awkward thoughts. I wondered what it would be like to fuck her. Was her body different? After all, women over 30 were like a different species. I thought it was cool. I never called. The seed was planted in my head that great things lay in the big city to the North. New York. Decidedly, it was time to find out more. I started to take the train into the city by myself during school hours. I walked the streets of the city alone, hiding myself in the crowds, walking around Chinatown , exploring. It was fun to be faceless in a world to which I was without place or purpose. It was at this time that I discovered sex shop windows filled with never before seen toys. I went into the ones I could and got kicked out of many. I decided to research every new thing I saw. I thought it a very small world that others seeked pain like I did. There were so many instruments to carry out this purpose! I bought a couple toys of no significance to prove I was man. I kept them locked away for a rainy day. Dominatrix. The thought amused me. I found it nearly unlikely it was real. There are women with this sort of aggression and violence in them? I approached the situation with full gusto. I found myself in the middle of a world of adults that had no patience for ones of my age. I sought out a woman to remind me of how fragile I was. To bring my fear back, to excite me again. I met a 27 year old who lived in the Village. We talked for months on the internet about our struggles, our hopes and our mutual interest in discovery. She was a train wreck waiting to happen. I thought it impossible to imagine anyone with more regret and angst over personal failures. She teetered on the edge of real hatred for life. It was utterly thrilling. I remember meeting her at a coffee shop. I recall being upset at how trite it was to be meeting over coffee. I didn't even drink coffee and I had no desire to listen to the buzz of professionals. She didn't stand out at all, and she was so moderately dressed that I questioned if I was even meeting the right person. She was forgettable in appearance, but she didn't order coffee and I found that to be a huge plus. I was scared shitless. This was very new ground and I really had no idea what to do. We talked about nothing really, a step above pleasantries. I asked her if we could leave and we left, back to her shithole apartment. Now this was more like it! It was so hot I couldn't breathe. I expected a transformation upon privacy. It didn't quite happen that way. She made me kiss her feet while we talked about her. She was absolutely self-involved. She became more aggressive and started to dominate the conversation. She told me she hated my smile. I gave way to forced nakedness and it was so sweet to hear her tell me how ugly I was. She went cold as I stood exposed and told me to get the fuck out. I went to her place as much as I could. She became free with me and I became the target of her suffering. She beat me as hard as she could, slapped, kicked, whipped me. I begged her until she was disgusted by my desire. This feeling was very familiar. She became fixated on degrading me. She forced me to go down on her during her periods. Her blood was fucking delicious. I licked her floors and drank her urine. She was completely disgusting and she had truly succeeded. I felt like hell. I remember being on my back and feeling unsure of why I was there, what I had to prove. Suffering for no reason, was mindless. I couldn't ascertain whether I was actually having fun. The room was hazy. I was cold and naked in her old bathtub which smelled awful. I was rather scared. In this moment with myself, I felt very light and I reminisced about laying in the bedroom with my first girlfriend, my body wrapped in hers, squeezing each other in a tight embrace, wishing for it to never end. I wondered if I could get back there, to this special place. The moment passed as quick as it came and she came beside me, telling me to close my eyes. She climbed into the bathtub with me and I got lost for a second. It was quiet, I knew from my senses what was happening. I got a chill as I felt it piling on my face. She was shitting on me. It was heavy and the smell was in my nose, twisting in my brain. She got up and I knew she was leaving and I pulled on her leg with my hand. She paused and without thinking I said, "Thank you" ...to be continued. http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/31124 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/10 Fri, 30 Jun 2006 21:46:14 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/18123 there is a small shopping complex that houses about 7 stores adjacent to where i live. after ripping through the fridge, i hopped to the car and took off for 7/11. as usual, it was a ghost town outside. i roll out, and toss my usual nod to the row of stores along the road. in the dark, my eye caught up to a man standing along one of the business windows. i squinted to see him in the faint security lighting of the parking area. he held a a faint tool in his hand that he was wielding like a sword. i leaned over, slowing. i think to myself...is this place about to be robbed? i had barely finished that thought when he came out into a well lit section. this mother fucker was washing windows. at MIDNIGHT. minutes of deep confusion came over me. i entered 7/11 and 3 people deep on the line - it still made no sense. but i won 10 dollars on a lottery ticket. i've torn back into my somerset maugham short story collections. these are priceless works. his observations of character through virtual strangers are fantastic and absorbing. really, nudists need to be stopped. these people scare me, deeply. i understand that the feeling of being without clothes is supposed to be liberating and return many to a childlike happiness. well, i get the same experience from mushrooms. let me highlight the ways in which my method is better. 1> mushrooms don't get you and your privates burnt to a crisp from the sun. 2> some people don't like the fucking beach. if you're a nudist - that's your only choice - to be at the beach. 3> sand gets inside the vagina. see above about beach. 4> why do i have to do the congo line if i'm naked? i have NEVER once done the congo line for FUN. 5> ever wondered why beach volleyball is in every single nudist picture? here's a clue - breasts bounce. nudists - stop the lying, its about sex too. 6> mushrooms don't include pedophiles peeping everyone's kids from over the sand dune. 7> sorry, still don't want to see an 80 year old man's penis. i know i won't notice. oh wait, yes i will. BUT - let me be fair. i have thought of one reason to be a nudist...and this relates to being earth friendly. 1> no reason to slaughter trees for toilet paper when the beach is a gigantic kitty litterbox. http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/18123 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/9 Sat, 23 Jul 2005 00:14:26 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/18091 i once answered the question, "how do you know if she's right for you" with "when i don't feel the need to wait to enter the bathroom after she's just come out after a shit." yeah - i'm different but so what? i buy american and eat organic. i like police officers and small animals. i've been sick and well, and mostly i've just been me. i've never said no to trying to see life as it really is - in all forms. i have friends of all colors and sizes - although i've never met a midget. i accept people for who they are. without beauty and ugliness, i wouldn't know who was really in there. i like plucking my eyebrows excessively - i think i like the symmetry. i like women who talk about their periods in detail - like they're telling a story. the flower man knows me very well. i'd rather do nothing than give someone a red rose. i like feet, but if they're totally clean, i don't. talking is the real language of love. power is accepting fear. the material world is irrelevant. i can't stand the smell of marijuana. embarassment is an enema with 3 women holding your legs up. joy is seeing one totally random, goofy smile - when someone doesn't know they're being watched. the question still remains...so what? everyone has a list like this. the only thing matters is being okay with it. http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/18091 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/8 Fri, 22 Jul 2005 16:26:08 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/17998 so i had a long conversation with my friend today about her relationship issues. she had been struggling with this guy for awhile, it just wasn't working. she described her problem to be 'two people talking at once, and only one hearing' it never ceases to amaze me that people don't seek to establish clearly defined structure. many people struggle with communication issues yet don't know why. i asked her about the bottom line - who makes the majority of the decisions? after thought, she admitted that it was her. she knew where i was going. i remember the intense conflict in myself as i dated for years and years without purpose. i had many things to offer someone, had success, was intelligent, decent looking - but consistently saw dating as a failure. it seemed every relationship was littered with communication problems, bickering, and mostly unwanted, unfortunate fights. as i spoke with my friend, i remembered a night when it stuck me, when i really saw myself. i was about 6 months deep into a relationship that i'd say was shaky at best. she liked me, sure - but it wasn't gelling. we threw a small party for about 20 friends, nothing fancy. i recall being angry that night over something, and it spilled into the party. i didn't enjoy being out of the loop, and it seemed that she was just fine with me being so. but as i laid back, away from the action that night - i questioned my own feelings. i saw this beautiful woman, entertaining, speaking freely and openly, keeping the party running through her. she had tremendous natural energy and power. why wasn't i celebrating this? the night passed, and in the following weeks i became more subservient to her. i didn't argue with her, i went out of my way to see that she was happy. in general, she was happy to see my enthusiasm for her. this was however, a marked departure. as time passed, she got more comfortable telling me what she needed, and what she wanted from me. our relationship had exploded beyond where it was. late one night, she asked me why i had changed. why i was being so good to her? my response was simple. i struggled with maintaing an image of who i thought women were looking for. i always felt that way about her, just never knew how to express it. i told her that i realized she was better suited to lead our relationship. that was the first time i ever said out loud the words, " i want to serve you." i'd like to lie and tell you that she was totally receptive to what i was saying. she wasn't. it took much more time to break down walls, for her to allow herself to think outside of what society had taught her. as i clicked back into reality and the phone resting on my shoulder, i sensed my friend was at a similar crossroads. i didn't do much except be there for her. she will decide what course is best for her, and im sure it will work out. but before we hung up, i told her that no matter what happened - she deserved someone who would treat her like a Goddess. http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/17998 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/7 Thu, 21 Jul 2005 14:09:59 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/17931 last night, like any other night was a great big unknown. my sleep used to be rock solid. predictable. when my head hits the pillow these days - i could be going anywhere. and that's not a good feeling. when i struggle most with unhappiness, i would describe it as the voice in the back of my mind speaking to me. always fixated on me, and always hiding. the negative emotions are all cowards, its funny that way. they hit and always run. clearly, i have not driven it out. i don't expect to live free of difficulty. my soul is not at peace... and as i fall off to sleep i am reminded of this burdens current resting place. my nightmares are random, not about any particular people or things. just about dread. but what do i dread? i simply don't know. i wonder if its even real, and to be honest - the not knowing is worse than anything. i think what i fear more than anything is potential. what if i cannot live up to my own expectation? what is on the other side of personal disappointment? im aware that life is simplicity in many regards. most do not care about their own potential, or have the luxury of fretting about it. simply working, gaining money, having a family, etc is good enough and no further thought is needed. if i had gone through the years healthy, i imagine thats where i would be - and glad for it. its not simple like that anymore. living with this weight makes success infinitely more important. success beyond the trivialities of life... beyond the cannon fodder. now that my eyes are open beyond the point i could have ever believed, closing them again seems...tragic. http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/17931 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/6 Wed, 20 Jul 2005 14:53:24 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/17887 the first time i had ever heard of chastity - i had in my mind the image of some 15th century metal clamp you wore on your waist. it was pretty comical to me. it wasn't many years later until the idea was brought up by a dominant woman i was seeing. this was very early in my experience with D/s and i as you could have imagined - fluffed it off. why would you do that? but she was insistent. so she came home one day - package in hand. it was a crude sort of metallic trap kit, and apparently, it was supposed to go on my penis. i liked that she was interested in doing this, and hey - how bad could it be. it didn't fit quite right, but still, she got it on. so i walked around with it on, not really sure what to do. i asked, "okay, what now?" she looked at me calmly, and said, "now nothing...you wear it until i let you out." the next morning i woke up with pain...i was getting an erection, and it HURT. i complained but got nothing more than a "don't get a hard-on." that day was a nightmare. i kept pulling on it, i kept getting hard randomly to pain, the metal was heavy and digging into me...on and on. i was irritable all day, and after being teased mid day, i was pretty much unbearably annoying. later that night, she called me into the bathroom and with an exhale i sensed she was going to relieve me of this burden. she examined the device, then looking at me - she asked,"i guess you'd like me to take this off?" i muttered that i would like that, yes. she snapped back with a "Why?" And of course i went right back into the complaints, about how it hurt, was heavy, etc. She didn't answer and at least a minute passed as i stood before her waiting. she moved closer to me and broke an eery silence. she had spit right in my face. i was so shocked that i just sat there, looking back. she spit on me again, the second time getting her saliva in my eyes. this forced my eyes shut, thankfully as a third time followed quickly. i could hear her voice trail off instantly as i heard words float in and out. bed...don't...clean...sleep. i didn't sleep much that night. but when light came, i went to the side of the bed and waited for her to wake up. she looked at me, smiling. i had learned. later that night, when it was removed, i felt a little sad. i would learn more lessons while in chastity - but few were better than that first one. less is definitely more. http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/17887 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/5 Wed, 20 Jul 2005 01:47:20 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/17854 i had tuned in randomly to some trashy talk show and had caught a woman making a complaint about her husband and how he refuses to touch her during her period, and she couldn't understand it. that was followed by 4 or 5 female audience members standing up and saying about how they'd never have sex during this time, etc - reinforcing the same attitude this man had about his wife. although pads and tampons are effective, and get the job done - i find it interesting how we've pushed ourselves from the natural world. the idea of this man accepting her as his wife and then drawing a line against what is her body's natural process seems hideous to me. he could make an attempt. how is his declaration different from him saying that he is only going to be her lover 6 days of the week and on saturday he's disappearing and coming back on sunday? to me, she's living with a man that hasn't accepted her for ALL she is. that seems very sad to me. and its not totally this man's fault. the women who were so quick to leap up and back him up demonstrated this. im going to do some research and find out more... http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/17854 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/4 Tue, 19 Jul 2005 14:07:31 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/17853 so i made my usual morning shopping run at the food store - a routine of mine. can't stand the crowds and i tend to get a smile every 1 out of 10 or 11 times from a cashier instead of never at other times of the day. i cant live without my fruit. i've become an apple snob, spending hours in the produce section, making everyone angry by touching every piece of fruit looking for the perfect ones. i admit i like coming early too because there are some nice looking cashiers that put a smile on your face - if you're into that sort of thing. which i am. in typical fashion, i prefer this one cashier who has yet to even say hello to me. i think up until this morning i had gotten 10 or so consecutive food totals from her - and thats about it. today was going to be different - i needed a hello. as i twiddled with a bag of pretzels as they sat on the belt, i concocted a plan. as it became my turn and my goods rolled up the belt i was faced with executing said plan. well damn, she looked really good up close. nice necklace. hm...silence. my plan quickly came undone. i couldn't very well do nothing, so i just said the first ridiculous thing that came into my head. "you're looking nice this morning" i obviously caught her by surprise, as she looked up and took a step back. i ignored the lameness of my comment, and waited. she looked me back, and then spoke, "yeah, well you're not." ow. silence followed for a second, and then a muttering of "paper". well i did get a number of items on sale today. i tried telling myself that she doesn't like me because i buy so much produce and she has to weigh everything and it takes forever. but i doubt that. i'm okay with her thinking im unattractive. that doesn't make me like her any less. http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/17853 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/3 Tue, 19 Jul 2005 13:36:26 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/17826 so i've ventured off the electronic music path and have landed in the demoscene. it makes me sad that i am now discovering this. demos are computer driven music pieces, highly layered, totally synthetic sounds - frankly machines can be beautiful. lets see what i can do behind the mixer... anyway, machine i am not. i think baths are sexier than anything. i love how the water takes the shape of the person, and as Ms Katrina has told me of her impending bath, i cant help but imagine her shape. i cant think of a much more intimate thing than being allowed to serve someone while they bathe. to take the dirt off them, wash their hair (and does the short hair suit her),, oh a boy can dream can't he. i remember the first time i did this for someone, and she ordered me into her bath water as she was done. i could still feel her. apparently that experience was so good that i forgot to be careful preparing her next bath and set the water dial on bake. confucious says, "boy with head in clouds gets penis burnt" and on an unrelated heat subject, i've often wondered why in the movies when someone takes a bath, they are usually surrounded by 50,000 candles of different heights and sizes? i mean i would think 1-4 might be enough. apparently not. beauty and the geek = best show on tv. http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/blog/17826 http://www.aeonity.com/_kermie_/2 Mon, 18 Jul 2005 23:42:34 -0500