- -->*Sha... JOE and I -
Date: Feb 10th, 2005 3:57:48 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Joe :P Love, lol, as usual.
not that anyone who reads my rants really cares, but oh well.. i don't really expect people too anyway, lol.
ugh my parents won't let me go to the movies with joe tonight because he's going with his brother who's 20, i mean what the fuck?!? it's not like i haven't been on a date before! i know what i'm doing, god, it's not like we're going to drive into a crack house. okay, joe's smoked weed 4 or 5 times, had a bad cigarette habit, but even so... he stopped after new years, god. not that i told them any of that lol.
yeah.. his dad died of a heart attack last year, right in front of him too.. he takes 7 pills a day (for the depression and stuff), i mean holy shit! last year it was 18!! i worry about him. he's going to hurt himself one of these days. i swear, if he does... o.o -hugs joe tight- wai.. poor guy.
muph. i hope mom falls down a well, over protective bitch. i know she wants what's best, but come on, i wasn't aloud to cross the street without her holding my hand until i was 13!! wtf! blah..
i might be goin on saterday.. if i can't i'll just stick a lie here and there if i have too.. i mean come on. he's on of those quiet guys that's incredibly funny and sweet. he's not like shawn, perverted and dimwitted. now that i think about it, how did i ever come to date shawn anyway? ew. all he wanted was sex, which i wouldn't give him. so he can go fuck jessica, as long as he's out of my face (and my breasts, the perv..) i don't care. he's still my friend, but i'll never be able to trust him again. ever. poor jessie. -hugs her- she's still my friend though. okay, she's a little - okay a lot - slutty, but she's still my friend.
joe said he'd call me but he didn't. it's like a soap opera lol. oh well... he's not perfect. but i like him. if things go wrong, well, i learned didn't i? i'll never know until i try. i do hope he turns out decent though.. i wouldn't mind being with him for a while.
you know i think i took the term 'emoblog' too literally. i'm just lovesick and scary here, lol, my lj isn't like this at all. O.o oh well.
<3 Joe~ haha Jon thought he was a truck driver XD like the sterotype, you know? haha. it was funny. Jon, what am i going to do with you bro? lol.
anyways, the 'rents wanna kick me off for no apparent reason so..
You know you\'re over emotional when..
Date: Jan 23rd, 2005 11:41:40 am - Subscribe
Ugh. I just got back from Paige's birthday party. It was a really sad party. Karoke to Shania Twain? Come ON people. Okay it was kind of halarious watching Andrea & Paige sing their hearts off while trying not to giggle, but hey. XP
Whoa, looking back, I've put a lot of emoish rants in this journal thing.. I have no life. Oh well.
Haha Paige has the most adorable little brothers ever! The twins gave me a hug before I left, and the other was eating pancakes and had it all over himself... not exactly huggable. Come on though, he's only 1.
We got 40 centimetres of snow today, and we're suppose to get more tonight. Go figure, living in Canada eh? lol nah I'm kidding, we did get the snow, but that's because it's January. It'll all be gone by next month... maybe. o.o; I swear I'm part eskimo or something, stupid Nova Scotia. Although that's better than a fisherman or a lumber jack... lol okay enough Canadian jokes. The idiocy out there is amazing, isn't it? XD
School's prolly going to be canceled tommorow, sadly.. we have gym class, it can't be. >.<; I know I know, you must think I'm crazy, but our gym classes fucking rock! Paul, Keith, Josh, Paige, Christina, Shawn and I all either 1. Make fools of ourselves jumping off high surfaces onto the giant matress thingies, 2. Piss off the gym teacher by not playing the sports right (in this case badminton lol), or 3. Skip class altogether and wreck havoc. No, I'm not a bad student, actually I'm straight A. It's just it's so much fucking FUN. It might not appeal to some of you, but we have a blast. Lol.
Ehh I haven't talked to Brian in a while... sorry bro, my MSN broke, that or it's just being a bitch.. stupid thing won't let me sign on. *shakes fist* >.>
Eh I'm going out house to house to get someone to come out and have a snowball war with me or something, so I'm out.
- -->*The Truth -
Date: Jan 23rd, 2005 11:13:38 am - Subscribe
I've never been in love before.
And I probably won't be for a long, long time. I'm more of the sisterly type that you hang out and play football with. It's been this way ever since I can remember. Guys never really took a romantic interest in me, and when they did, they kept it to themselves or it didn't last very long.
I remember this one time I almost fell in love; it was so close I could taste a hint of it on his lips. I remember how soft they were, how wrapping my arms around him and his around me made me smile like I've never smiled before. I remember the gentle kisses we exchanged, how soft his skin was, and how I never felt cold when I was holding onto him, or lying in his lap. It was the most amazing feeling in the world; but I always found myself worrying about how it would end. I worried constantly about the little ways to change myself or make myself prettier, so he'd pay more attention to me. All I really wanted was for him not to be embarrassed about me... but he was. He even told me to my face. That moment when he asked if we could just be friends, I remember smiling and pretending not to care, when really my heart was being broken into tiny pieces inside of me. I went over to my best friends house that day... she was my first real friend. Just like on TV; sisters till the end, the kind that share all their secrets and protect one another. I cried, and she told me everything was going to be okay and hugged me, and I deserved better, and she cried with me. I think that strengthened our friendship, since she knows the pain of it all. She had a hard life.
I taught myself to act like a friend towards him. I smiled and laughing, cracked jokes, got in fights with him... oh, the fights. I felt so much emotion for him, and the last thing I wanted was for him to be angry with me. But I had too. I had to learn to move on, despite the pain. It was a valuable lesson to me, even if I'm not completely over it yet; but I'm on my way now. I'm coping with the pain and the loneliness.
I've never wanted to fling my arms around someone so bad then I did the days when I was with him. I knew I couldn't, it was ridiculous, and he was occupied with someone else... but I still reached out to him in my heart. I put all my hopes into believing someday I'd kiss his lips again, one last time. That I'd embrace him one last time. I still believe that today; it's kind of sad, really. A pathetic hope, but it's the only thing I have left to hold onto. I want so much to say I love him; but I don't.
He never made me feel beautiful; he made me feel ugly. He never made me feel like I was on top of the world; he made me feel like I was an embarrassment and a bore to him. He never made me feel loved; for a while I thought he did, but in the end I realized he made me feel more like an item for his own personal pleasure. His empty lies soon broken me down into believing, maybe I wasn't even worthy of what he'd already given me. I still do, right now. I think I always will.
I'm not particularly pretty or smart. I'm not interesting or sporty. I don't really excel in video games, and I'm a bit of a perfectionist. I'm an aspiring artist, but nothing all that amazing yet, other than the odd picture or so. I listen to creepy music and I'm far from experienced in relationships, and find them very awkward since I don't know what I'm doing. I have a habit of biting my nails and I'm big boned and a little over-weight. I'm bad tempered and usually someone's angry with me, and I'm terrible at keeping secrets. I tend to twist things to sound more serious than they really are, and I hate following the rules. I'm greedy and bigheaded, usually looking for sympathy or attention, sort of emo too. I trick myself into believing things are true that really aren't, and try to make excuse for why I screw up. I'm paranoid and not a very good friend, and usually take advantage of what people give me. I used to make myself vomit to get out of school, sometimes because I was fat. I've stopped that, but now I'm not eating much, and when I do it's in big portions, and I later feel bad about it and punish myself by barely not eating at all for the next couple days. I'm sick in the head and want to see what death is like, and I'm hooked on little kid shows called "anime", and I read Harry Potter and Manga. I'm constantly crushing on a new guy, or rambling about -him-. I'm always trying to change myself, or impress someone, or feeling sorry for myself that I can't. I lie about my feelings and my "depression problem" which isn't really all that serious, an I sometimes wish I was dead, but I'm too much of a coward to commit suicide. I have no religion, although I believe in god, I find it extremely hard to admit to myself I do. I'm not even really sure about it. I find pleasure in being the center of attention, and it seems the way I explain things nothing is ever my fault. I'm a copycat. All in all, I'm a pretty bad person. No wonder he dumped me... it could've been because I was boring/it was weird for him like he said, but that couldn't be the only reason. There's a lot wrong with me. I can't really take a joke, and I'm a crybaby. I pity myself right now, actually. It's sad.
I'm thinking if a friend of mine read this, they'd pretend to be really disappointed in me and protest this is all a lie or not true. I don't believe them though. I know they're smart, I know they notice most of it is true, maybe even 100%, but you never know with me. Some do. I'm somewhat predictable. They just won't admit, because they think being polite to me is worth more than the truth and how I feel about it inside. You guys need to learn your petty loyalities towards me hurt me me than they help, if you even care at all.
I might cry while I'm writing this. My tears would be wasted on such a lost cause though. He deserved better than me. He even told me so himself, in his own special way. Maybe I'll tell someone someday, but right now I don't want to talk about it. My heart breaks just thinking about it, silly as it sounds.
Sometimes I think myself higher than someone else, sometimes those closest to me. That's not true at all. If anything, I'm beneath them. You know, now that I think about it and point everything out and "write" it down in front of me, I remind myself of street scum. Gum on the bottom of someone's shoe, probably a hobo or a thief. Whatever you want to choose as an example.
I do recognize my faults. I'm good at observation, and I can usually pick out the meaning out of anything. Not necessarily how to fix it, but to find it. It's like living in a glass box; the world is out there, and I can change to something better if I really wanted to, but I'm too weak to break the walls. Too fragile and tired to even try. I just sit on a little wooden chair and stare out at you all, not sure what to do, and if I did I probably wouldn't anyway. I love torture. It reminds me people really are alive, and they can still feel, even through all the shit the world is covered in. Pain is quite amazing if you think about it... but then, so is love.
I think that's why I'm still alive. I'm looking for love. It was... such a wonderful feeling, to be so close to it. Where you don't care about the beginning or the end, just that moment you have together. Because I know there's someone out there just as pathetic as me, and maybe someday I'll find him. Maybe I'll break out of my glass box when I go to greet them. The power it gives me just blows me away. So I'll keep waiting for the right person to pass by and peer into my little sanctuary.
I've never been in love, but I know it's worth living for.
- -->*Shawn and I -
Date: Jan 19th, 2005 3:48:54 pm - Subscribe
today was different... i think i'm finally starting to get over shawn now. just a little bit... i think i'll be able to accept him as just a friend. it still hurts, but at least now i know i can learn to let him go. i'm just not sure i want to... i still love him. a lot. more than i can explain. he was my heart's first love, how can i just let him fly away without even blinking? i can't, i don't think anyone could. i want so much to be with him again, but i need to let him go. you know what old saying? "if you love something, set it free, if it comes back, it's yours, if it doesn't, it was never meant to be." i think that pretty much sums it up, the latter anyway. but even if it wasn't meant to be, if we stayed together i think i could stand him. when we were together, i didn't care about the beginning or the end, all i knew was that i loved him and he loved me, and that was all that mattered. but it was weird.. i didn't really notice, mostly because i thought it was normal. i've never been in love before, so i wouldn't have known. it was a hard blow when we broke up. i don't think i'm ever going to be able to completely forget about him, or what we were. never. it makes me sound lovesick, i know, and more than a little bit obsessed, but it's all true; i just wish it could've lasted a little longer. sure he can be a jerk sometimes, but when you see his other side, he's really a sweet guy. that's why i loved him so much. that's why i still do. he's never intentionally tried to hurt me, not out of spite, nothing. he told me he still loved me even after it was over, but it just wasn't working. i agreed at the time, but i think i was too busy trying to look like i wasn't hurt to notice he was right. but i was hurt.. believe me, when you experience it, fake smiles aren't as all as easy and tacky as they seem. they really do break you, most of us know that. he said it was getting boring too... that hurt the most. i gave him my everything. my heart, my soul, my secrets.. by then i thought i was going to cry. it's a good thing i could excuse myself and go see vanessa, cause by then i really did break down. i love that boy so much it's unrational. i'd like to tell him exactly how i feel, but, i can't... i dunno why. probably because i'm scared of how he'd react, like he'd laugh or something or get all nervous and restless. who knows? i guess i'll never know. i don't think i want to. the whole situation seems impossible to me.. i need to forget him, so everyone tells me. but you know what?
distance makes the heart grow fonder.
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