- -->*Shawn and I -
Date: Jan 19th, 2005 9:48:54 pm - Subscribe
Mood: defeated
today was different... i think i'm finally starting to get over shawn now. just a little bit... i think i'll be able to accept him as just a friend. it still hurts, but at least now i know i can learn to let him go. i'm just not sure i want to... i still love him. a lot. more than i can explain. he was my heart's first love, how can i just let him fly away without even blinking? i can't, i don't think anyone could. i want so much to be with him again, but i need to let him go. you know what old saying? "if you love something, set it free, if it comes back, it's yours, if it doesn't, it was never meant to be." i think that pretty much sums it up, the latter anyway. but even if it wasn't meant to be, if we stayed together i think i could stand him. when we were together, i didn't care about the beginning or the end, all i knew was that i loved him and he loved me, and that was all that mattered. but it was weird.. i didn't really notice, mostly because i thought it was normal. i've never been in love before, so i wouldn't have known. it was a hard blow when we broke up. i don't think i'm ever going to be able to completely forget about him, or what we were. never. it makes me sound lovesick, i know, and more than a little bit obsessed, but it's all true; i just wish it could've lasted a little longer. sure he can be a jerk sometimes, but when you see his other side, he's really a sweet guy. that's why i loved him so much. that's why i still do. he's never intentionally tried to hurt me, not out of spite, nothing. he told me he still loved me even after it was over, but it just wasn't working. i agreed at the time, but i think i was too busy trying to look like i wasn't hurt to notice he was right. but i was hurt.. believe me, when you experience it, fake smiles aren't as all as easy and tacky as they seem. they really do break you, most of us know that. he said it was getting boring too... that hurt the most. i gave him my everything. my heart, my soul, my secrets.. by then i thought i was going to cry. it's a good thing i could excuse myself and go see vanessa, cause by then i really did break down. i love that boy so much it's unrational. i'd like to tell him exactly how i feel, but, i can't... i dunno why. probably because i'm scared of how he'd react, like he'd laugh or something or get all nervous and restless. who knows? i guess i'll never know. i don't think i want to. the whole situation seems impossible to me.. i need to forget him, so everyone tells me. but you know what?
distance makes the heart grow fonder.
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