- -->*The Truth -
Date: Jan 23rd, 2005 5:13:38 pm - Subscribe
Mood: tormented


 I've never been in love before.

And I probably won't be for a long, long time. I'm more of the sisterly type that you hang out and play football with. It's been this way ever since I can remember. Guys never really took a romantic interest in me, and when they did, they kept it to themselves or it didn't last very long.

I remember this one time I almost fell in love; it was so close I could taste a hint of it on his lips. I remember how soft they were, how wrapping my arms around him and his around me made me smile like I've never smiled before. I remember the gentle kisses we exchanged, how soft his skin was, and how I never felt cold when I was holding onto him, or lying in his lap. It was the most amazing feeling in the world; but I always found myself worrying about how it would end. I worried constantly about the little ways to change myself or make myself prettier, so he'd pay more attention to me. All I really wanted was for him not to be embarrassed about me... but he was. He even told me to my face. That moment when he asked if we could just be friends, I remember smiling and pretending not to care, when really my heart was being broken into tiny pieces inside of me. I went over to my best friends house that day... she was my first real friend. Just like on TV; sisters till the end, the kind that share all their secrets and protect one another. I cried, and she told me everything was going to be okay and hugged me, and I deserved better, and she cried with me. I think that strengthened our friendship, since she knows the pain of it all. She had a hard life.

I taught myself to act like a friend towards him. I smiled and laughing, cracked jokes, got in fights with him... oh, the fights. I felt so much emotion for him, and the last thing I wanted was for him to be angry with me. But I had too. I had to learn to move on, despite the pain. It was a valuable lesson to me, even if I'm not completely over it yet; but I'm on my way now. I'm coping with the pain and the loneliness.

I've never wanted to fling my arms around someone so bad then I did the days when I was with him. I knew I couldn't, it was ridiculous, and he was occupied with someone else... but I still reached out to him in my heart. I put all my hopes into believing someday I'd kiss his lips again, one last time. That I'd embrace him one last time. I still believe that today; it's kind of sad, really. A pathetic hope, but it's the only thing I have left to hold onto. I want so much to say I love him; but I don't.

He never made me feel beautiful; he made me feel ugly. He never made me feel like I was on top of the world; he made me feel like I was an embarrassment and a bore to him. He never made me feel loved; for a while I thought he did, but in the end I realized he made me feel more like an item for his own personal pleasure. His empty lies soon broken me down into believing, maybe I wasn't even worthy of what he'd already given me. I still do, right now. I think I always will.

I'm not particularly pretty or smart. I'm not interesting or sporty. I don't really excel in video games, and I'm a bit of a perfectionist. I'm an aspiring artist, but nothing all that amazing yet, other than the odd picture or so. I listen to creepy music and I'm far from experienced in relationships, and find them very awkward since I don't know what I'm doing. I have a habit of biting my nails and I'm big boned and a little over-weight. I'm bad tempered and usually someone's angry with me, and I'm terrible at keeping secrets. I tend to twist things to sound more serious than they really are, and I hate following the rules. I'm greedy and bigheaded, usually looking for sympathy or attention, sort of emo too. I trick myself into believing things are true that really aren't, and try to make excuse for why I screw up. I'm paranoid and not a very good friend, and usually take advantage of what people give me. I used to make myself vomit to get out of school, sometimes because I was fat. I've stopped that, but now I'm not eating much, and when I do it's in big portions, and I later feel bad about it and punish myself by barely not eating at all for the next couple days. I'm sick in the head and want to see what death is like, and I'm hooked on little kid shows called "anime", and I read Harry Potter and Manga. I'm constantly crushing on a new guy, or rambling about -him-. I'm always trying to change myself, or impress someone, or feeling sorry for myself that I can't. I lie about my feelings and my "depression problem" which isn't really all that serious, an I sometimes wish I was dead, but I'm too much of a coward to commit suicide. I have no religion, although I believe in god, I find it extremely hard to admit to myself I do. I'm not even really sure about it. I find pleasure in being the center of attention, and it seems the way I explain things nothing is ever my fault. I'm a copycat. All in all, I'm a pretty bad person. No wonder he dumped me... it could've been because I was boring/it was weird for him like he said, but that couldn't be the only reason. There's a lot wrong with me. I can't really take a joke, and I'm a crybaby. I pity myself right now, actually. It's sad.

I'm thinking if a friend of mine read this, they'd pretend to be really disappointed in me and protest this is all a lie or not true. I don't believe them though. I know they're smart, I know they notice most of it is true, maybe even 100%, but you never know with me. Some do. I'm somewhat predictable. They just won't admit, because they think being polite to me is worth more than the truth and how I feel about it inside. You guys need to learn your petty loyalities towards me hurt me me than they help, if you even care at all.

I might cry while I'm writing this. My tears would be wasted on such a lost cause though. He deserved better than me. He even told me so himself, in his own special way. Maybe I'll tell someone someday, but right now I don't want to talk about it. My heart breaks just thinking about it, silly as it sounds.

Sometimes I think myself higher than someone else, sometimes those closest to me. That's not true at all. If anything, I'm beneath them. You know, now that I think about it and point everything out and "write" it down in front of me, I remind myself of street scum. Gum on the bottom of someone's shoe, probably a hobo or a thief. Whatever you want to choose as an example.

However...

I do recognize my faults. I'm good at observation, and I can usually pick out the meaning out of anything. Not necessarily how to fix it, but to find it. It's like living in a glass box; the world is out there, and I can change to something better if I really wanted to, but I'm too weak to break the walls. Too fragile and tired to even try. I just sit on a little wooden chair and stare out at you all, not sure what to do, and if I did I probably wouldn't anyway. I love torture. It reminds me people really are alive, and they can still feel, even through all the shit the world is covered in. Pain is quite amazing if you think about it... but then, so is love.

I think that's why I'm still alive. I'm looking for love. It was... such a wonderful feeling, to be so close to it. Where you don't care about the beginning or the end, just that moment you have together. Because I know there's someone out there just as pathetic as me, and maybe someday I'll find him. Maybe I'll break out of my glass box when I go to greet them. The power it gives me just blows me away. So I'll keep waiting for the right person to pass by and peer into my little sanctuary.

I've never been in love, but I know it's worth living for.
Comments: (1)

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Comments:

anonymous - April 04th, 2006
Hey...I don't know you but you sound a little bit like me. I don't know how old you are, but I've been there too. I've been in a 6-year-relationship with a guy who once made me feel loved. Now I don't really believe that he cares much about me anymore. Like you, I've tried to be all the things that guys supposedly like in girls. My boyfriend told me that I embarrass him in front of his friends, just because I have different hobbies and I have a different sense of humor. His comments have hurt my feelings but I remind myself that I'm intelligent, kind, pretty, etc. in my own way. Believe me, you were in love...you simply didn't realize it.

I'm in love with a guy who is nothing like when we first started hanging out. Back then, he treated me well and complimented me and took me on romantic dates. We had fun. Sure, we would fight, we broke up a few times, but we had a definite spark. Now it's like I never knew him. You sound so much like me. I'm not overweight but I often don't like my body either. I have no social life and no real friends. My family doesn't have much to do with me, except my mom. I completely relate to what you said about yourself. However, this is my opinion...you are not a bad person and you shouldn't be so unkind to yourself.

I'm not one of your friends, I don't know you, so this isn't like I'm feeling sorry for you. I'm being honest here. Sure, we all have faults...but no one is perfect. No one. Plenty of "pretty" girls are unhappy with themselves and don't have real relationships with guys who respect them. It does happen. Oh, and you say you're not sporty? Many other people out there aren't athletic either. You said you're a bit overweight. That's nothing to be ashamed of, you're not the only big-boned person in this world. People come in different shapes and sizes. You're not the only depressed person, or the only nail-biter, or the only one who is shy and fears rejection and being hurt. Experience in relationships comes with time and maturity and meeting people. Sometimes you risk being hurt when you trust others, but that's what life is about. Learning and living and loving and losing and winning.

He simply wasn't The One. It might have felt wonderful and I'm assuming you're fairly young, but the truth is that somebody better will come your way. Somebody who will appreciate you and accept you and love you. It might not happen overnight but it will happen. You're not as horrible as you make yourself sound. You actually sound like an amazing person with brains and more personality than you credit yourself with...but you have a VERY low attitude about yourself. The truth is that I wake up most days feeling like shit. I feel insecure around other people, I feel like they're looking at me and judging me and talking about me. I feel like I'm a poor student and a bad person who doesn't deserve love or like I'm unworthy of having friends. I've been noticeably "different" all my life in one way or another. All the stuff you feel about yourself, I've said about myself. You have hobbies that some people might poke fun of, but who cares about them? I'm into things that most people think are bizarre or strange and I get called "weird" constantly. Does that mean I'll give up my hobbies and stop being me, to fit in? No! Not every girl has to like Britney/Beyonce/Jessica/Paris, or enjoy the same stuff.

You have to stop thinking of yourself as a pathetic loser. You'll never find a worthwhile person if you don't shape up your attitude. If you think you're pathetic, you'll attract pathetic people and you'll be even more unhappy. Continue listening to that "creepy" music if that's what you like. Treat yourself to some ice cream, a bubble bath, or your favorite comedy movie. If you wish to be more athletic, try walking more. Look at yourself in the mirror and try to think at least three positive thoughts about yourself...whether it's your brains, your smile, or your artistic ability.

silver_foxx83@yahoo.com

Sorry anonymous, this user does not allow double comments to be posted.