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ok. i've made a promise to myself. i want to go on feench exchange in november. and i can only go if i'm well. so if i keep exercising, eating healthy, and keep my grades up..... THIS MEANS NO VOMITING. i hope i can do it. i need to. i'm sick of it. today i had sooo muchbad stuff. but tomorrow will be the start of a new.....era? no bad food. i'll make my hour run 2 hours. NO PURGING. mum noticed a burst blood vessel in my eye today...GUH. i came very close to being found out. xoxoxo |
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i turned 16 3 days ago =] great birthday! i really really don't want a party though...i know it'll be shit so i'm not gonna bother. i had a great day...my friends jumped on me with presents and everyone sung me happy birthday at rehearsal =] i was all weird this week...somtimes i feel like i have nothing to say. i used to. it's so weird. i used to be so close to jess and i feel like i'm slipping away. i think it's cos she spends so much time with jade and soph that i sometimes feel distant. but.oh well. =] i like this guy in the musical. he always gets me to do his make-up. and he is the NICEST guy. AND today s,d,and a asked me if i liked anyone. and i'm such a shit lier that i couldn't hide it and i giggled all over the place, but they still don't know who it is! i want it to go well and if it does, i'll tell them. at the moment, no way! i've found a trick to vomiting now. if i rub my two fingers right at the back of my throat, it comes up really easily. drinking water with the meal and before purging makes it wayyyy easier too. i've been doing it about one to two times a day. sometimes i'm fine...othertimes it's up to 6 times a day. i can't do the anorexia thing anymore. i just can't. all i need to do is to be able to exercise and have a lack of oppurtuinity to eat, and i'm fine. although saskia told me i looked skinny on saturday, which was AWESOME =] she made my day. i've started the pills again. but.... i'm happier. i guess. |
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ARGH i am so sick of this family. i told the doctor i wasn't taking my anti-depressants. BECAUSE I DON'T NEED THEM! and mum and dad threw a wobbly and HATE me. mum yells at me for everything. dad keeps bugging me. i'm apparantly lazy. no good. a cow. a liar. and then mum has the nerve to say she's sick of me hating myself and thinking i'm no good! i wonder where that belief came from!!! my parents lie to me. how can they trust me when i can't trust them? this isn't for my own good. it's them. wanting me to be fat again. if it wasn't ANZAC day i would seriously just catch a train to jess's/jade's and VENT. i'm tired.grouchy. and don't want to be here. i tend to binge now....not heaps. BUT i can vomit it up easy. today i had porridge, chocolate and 4 icypoles. and most of it came back up. i went for a hour and a half walk so that must have burnt something off. |
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i broke up with my boyfriend today =[ 10 months. thats a fair effort for a 15 yr old! he didn't see it coming. i love him. but not in that way anymore. you know somethings not right when i pull away from kisses... he cried. i cried. mums shattered cos he's such a nice boy! but we'll still be friends. it just took ages to get through to him that NO i can't be in a relationship that only one person actually is passionate about. he's my best friend and i adore him. but...... other reasons why today is a D? maths. sucked. i'm flunking...NOT on purpose. french. teacher yelled at me. i look FUGLY. ANDDDDDD.... im 59.5. after all of this starving.....NOTHING. i threw up this morning...and all i've had so far is a milo and an apple. i'll get there. AND i walked 1.4 kms to school with lou and el. sooooo. getting fat. but hopefully slimming down. i want to see my ribs again! |
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i'm getting better at this. i'm living on a diet of nutrient water and sugar free chewing gum at the moment. and i have all these motivational quotes. i hope im losing weight. i have a party friday night. we all have to dress up in pretty dresses. and i want to look nice! last night at dancing was horrible. like, the girls were hilarious but i just couldn't DO anything. my tigerstands were pathetic, i was always out of time and got swapped from centre front to left front =[ GRRRRR and my coach gave everyone a massive talk. THEN we took out costumes and lo behold, none of them would fit me. doesn't help that we have a tiny team. i cried myself to sleep last night. today is better. i got a beautiful pic comment from laura on myspace...which made my day a bit better. most of it was good though! went shopping with andy, saw a movie, bummed at mine... i'm getting there. gradually =] |
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HUMPH. 58 kgs. i still feel like a fat slug. i vomited on tuesday. twice. it felt good. i felt thin =] i have been exercising heaps. i was over at j's last night and we had a massive D&M. i want to talk to people. but i feel sooo bad when i do. cos i feel they're judging me. i am SO SO sick of this. i've had a pretty ok week. yesterday was SO fun. my hols are pretty awesome! we had a massive op-shop spree...but it was in brighton so it was good op-shop clothes LOL. two of my friends are going through a rough patch at the moment, so i really need to help them out. hmmmm. going off to eat my feelings. |
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i've been on camp for 2 days. i went for a 4km run around the lake with mr m, j,s, and l. they're all athletes.i stopped halfway =[ omg. i felt like the fat little grade 3 again. i know i should STOP worrying about what i weigh. and how i look. but being around my whole DOE class. they're all athletic. beautiful. amazing. then there's me. they were probably SO embarrassed to be seen with me. talked to my boyfriend for a bit. that was great =] my friends were hilarious today! omg. we have sooo many inside jokes from camp its ridiculous. and i'm over at a dancing friends soon too. AND i'm invited to a party. a massive one. which will be awesome. with no gatecrashers i have NO idea where my self control has gone. i used to be able to go three days...now i can barely go til dinner. i am pathetic. PATHETIC i deserve to be fat. i really do. |
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i've gained two kilos im now 59 kgs. and 162 cm. thats 130 pounds and 5'3 for all you americans. my doctor frowned and said 'hmmmmm. you're gonna have to lose some weight,' I NEED TO GET DOWN TO 56 AGAIN. i'm such a fat slug. bloody hell. im the fattest out of all my friends. i'm gonna go back to purging and not eating again. anythings better than this. anything. had a MASSIVE deep convo with 4 of my friends on thursday night. i love those girls. but one of my 'mates'...one that wasn't there on thursday night...posted a myspace bulletin about me. it was SO bitchy. and i'm really really hurt. BUT stephs over in like 2 minutes. =] and we won netball which makes it better =] |
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i grade my days..... worst day ever. i lied to my boyfriend and said i couldn't see him because i had an 'appointment'. but i am SO ugly. i would have gotten off the tram and he would have been embarrased to be with me. i did him a favour. i vomited again today. i couldn't help it. im getting SO fat. 58.6 omg omg omg. not much came up. but still. i felt better. hey...if im fat i might as well eat. there are pimples all over my face. my thighs are wobbling. my stomach is massive. i have a double chin. and im seriously thinking that one of my closest friends hates me for some reason. she's acting like i've done something horrible. i wonder if she's heard a rumour? AND i have all this homework. all due by next week. and i know why my coach put me in second team aesthetic even though i can do everything. im fat. fat people cant be graceful. i know everyone in our teams waiting for me to drop out so i dont ruin the image of our team. =[ today is sucky |
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first blog! gosh. if you're reading this, you're obviously bored and stumbled across this blog by accident. but hey. whatever. i'm gonna rant in this first one. i started this blog because i am recovering from an eating disorder...bulimia and anorexia. i think it will a) help other sufferers and b) help me! ok. well. i'm gee. not saying my real name on the internet LOL but thats my nickname. at the moment im 15 yrs old. 16 in two months! i live in melbourne, australia and go to a selective school i.e. they pick out the top 3% smartest 14-18 yr ols in the state and chuck us in a school together. its GREAT. i've always known i was fat. i remember being in prep and coming home one night in tears. mum goes 'whats wrong?' i said 'i have to lose weight.' guys. i was 6. bullying has SUCH an effect on people. seriously. i was such a gorgeous toddler then when i hit primary school... anyway. i've always been the 'fat' girl. i never ever wear tight clothing. i HATE my body so much. its foul. i do dancing though. which i ADORE. it sucks. everyone is slender and then there's ME. the bulimia started in grade 6. i was 11. i was at a friends bday party and we had pizza. i stuffed my face...as you do at partys! after that i went to the loo and happened to look down at the rolls on my stomach. i thought about an article i had read about this girl who vomited up her food. it seemed a pretty good idea to me! so i took the first step and stuck my fingers down my throat. people think people with eating disorders are selfish. it's not true. i hate not being good enough for my group of friends. im considered 'popular' but i feel im there to make up numbers. im the 'nice' one...not the funny one, just 'nice'. the bulimia was ok from ages 11-13. it only happened when i overate, and even then i wouldn't throw up THAT much. but yr 9 (14-15) it got SO much worse. i went on this youth camp. to cut a long story short we had this massive workshop, ad for some insane reason i decided to tell my parents about my bulima. BIG MISTAKE. they took over.completely. there was no way i was allowed to have a shower or go to the toilet after meals. shower was great...no-one can hear you and it flushes everything away =] so if i couldn't vomit all the time, i decided to just not eat. this sounds kinda crazy now, but i NEEDED that fat off me. it's come back on again since i was in hospital and i'm a big fat lump. 57 fucking kilos. i was down to 48. i LOVE being slim....i hate being this huge. i had a whole routine. i'd eat breakfast cos my parents would watch me. then vomit it up on the way to school. throw out my lunch. come home. excercise. eat dinner. throw it up. wednesdays were great. i coached the sub juinors team so i could go a whole THREE days without eating. admittedly third day it was hard to walk...but. it made me skinny. i fainted a few times. my friends were really really worried. they went to the counsellor who then rang my parents. but i lied my way out of that one...you get to be a good liar when mia and ana have a hold of you. the final straw came when i collapsed at school after sport. i was getting scared by then... -my hair was falling out -i hadn't had my period in 6 months -i was vomiting up blood -blood vessels in my eyes had burst. the yr co-ordinator pulled me aside. then i got admitted to hospital. to cut a long story short...i was in there a week. with a feeding tube down my nose. although my boyfriend snuck in to see me. i love that boy. he has helped me so much. im glad to say i haven't vomited in 3 weeks =] the main thing that deters me is the threat of no dancing...i live for it! i have great friends, im good at it and i enjoy it! if i fall below 56 im out FOREVER. so. that was my rant. =] xxoo |