nothing like absolution
Date: Apr 6th, 2005 3:08:22 am - Subscribe
Mood: schizophrenic
music: psychic tv theme 3
what. a. fucking. mess.
i cannot even begin to account for the disasters that have fallen into the undocumented crevasses in my historical records of late. let us enumerate the signs of the coming apocalypse:
1. eric: his driving while fucked up, his driving while not fucked up. him wanting to go into business with me. him wanting me to move in with him.
2. apps to russia and having no idea whether or not i'll be in the country next year.
3. my roommates are all graduating--i need to find housing for after may. fuuuck. and i don't know if i just need a summer sublet or a full rental for another year because i don't know if i'll be in the country.
4. i actually enjoyed giving a lapdance to a really really sexy punky boy who works for lucasarts, butbutbut i can't stop wishing he'd come back in or ask one of his friends about me [he's actually friends with 2 of the girls i work with.] i waaaant him.
5. school/non-stripping jobs: sucks. i have a million things due and i just don't give a fuck.
6. all of my major tech devices have been failing: computer, cell phone, ipod. luckily it appears the ipod failures were a result of my comp being fucked. i've mostly fixed the comp. new cell phone finally arrived in the mail today.
7. i'm going to seattle for my 21st birthday. fuccccccccck chaosssss.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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veljko
Date: Mar 30th, 2005 1:22:44 am - Subscribe
Mood: foxy
ran into veljko in front of the library. he was coming back from working out. mmmm those shorts, the same ones he always wore. hot. he's excited about me working at a strip club and wants to come see my act. yay! but still, he's not attracted to me, whatthefuck? i don't know. maybe he's just excited about having an excuse to go see naked girls.
neee, if he does come to the club i'll glow. i'm so seduced by his manner. in fact, i'm so turned on i feel weird about going to eric's.
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return of the furies
Date: Mar 9th, 2005 9:44:38 pm - Subscribe
Mood: exuberant
i know no one reads this, but for myself, i feel the need to account for the long gap in the historical record.
on the night of the last entry posted, eric was brutally assaulted, which explains why he wasn't calling. 2 blocks from his home in south berkeley, he was repeatedly bludgeoned and sustained severe head wounds. supposedly the motive for this attack was robbery, but i'm leaning more towards hate crime for the level of brutality it espoused. the attacker took eric's phone...and eric only had $5 on him anyway...in his pocket, so if he reached for it to give it to the man he would've appeared to be reaching for a weapon, so the mugger/whatever he is didn't even get any money...and the phone's totally useless with the amount of security eric had on it.
i ran out of my house weeks ago in the middle of the night to meet eric who refused to stay overnight in the hospital despite the doctors wanting to keep him there. i was so afraid his face had been hit, his beautiful face. because the mugger came up from behind, luckily most of the wounds are on the back of his head and covered by his hair. at the current time, eric got all of his stitches from the incident removed and it appears that there will be no visible disfigurement from it, thank god. the worst damage seems to be the emotional damage and the cuts in his mouth--they got infected and the doctors say that there will be a permanent pocket of scar tissue inside his mouth from where his tooth nearly went through his lip. emotionally, eric's been a mess--he's shaky and afraid all of the time that i'm not at his house. i've been there almost every night since the incident. it's been time consuming and energy consuming.
school has become a pit of frustration for me. zhivov, while brilliant, tends to misrepresent western religious history. i detest my french professor, still. i currently owe her an essay and i wasn't in class today. i'm sure i'll hear alllllll about it when i take my oral midterm friday. i just got out of the russian test from hell...all verbs of motion and what prefixes to use when. *pout* i know i missed at least one question. *siiiigh*. then again, the test wasn't that hard. i like anna, although she chastized me the other day for speaking one sentence worth of english when trying to explain protestantism to someone in class. then there's leslie kurke's class...my now retroactively dropped semester in classics writing my near-dissertation level paper on medea is coming in handy--all of that research on sexual relations in ancient greece i did then is totally applicable to this class. therefore, i'm kicking ass in discussion section. woohooo.
school has become merely all of the days in between stripping. i love stripping. i love dancing. every time i hear music i think: can i dance to that? how? and promptly start mentally choreographing.
i talked to greta kroeker today. she told me she wants to write a rec for me to go to russia. neeeeeeee. ohmygod. i'm actually gonna apply. whoa.
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someday
Date: Feb 14th, 2005 6:26:12 am - Subscribe
Mood: blind
music: nautilus.
someone will care about me, right? someday someone will love me...some day someone will pick up the phone when i call even when they're talking to a pretty girl...right?
if i had the capacity to write out my total and utter complete frustration with men right now, i would.
i held back your hair while you threw up, i walked arm and arm in you while you were too fucked up to walk, i held you when you smelled like alcohol and vomit because you were ashamed and feeling awful. i bought you fed you when you were resistant to eat and you told me you were glad.
so why won't you pick up your goddamned phone? why?
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stripping.
Date: Feb 13th, 2005 12:23:47 am - Subscribe
Mood: surreal
music: jane's addiction--sex is violent [which will probably be one of my songs]
my life is continually getting more and more bizarre. i don't know what's wrong with destiny or astrology or whatever the fuck dictates the chain of events...
but it looks like i'm gonna be a stripper. i've got a glowing reputation at chez paree, the manager loves me. i ended up on stage 3 times last night for the full duration of the sets and was generally well-received. ...it pays a fuckload more than the writing gig, even in the tiny bit of money i made last night getting kickdowns from the girls i danced on stage with. and it'd keep me in shape, because i work hard up there.
this of course means that this week i need to go through stripper boot camp, by my terming of it. i need to practice exaggerating my moves, even when i'm nervous [because i make my moves a lot smaller when i'm nervous] and i need to find a playground with a pole to double check that i'm strong enough to do the pole moves i think i can. i'm pretty sure i still am strong enough to do all the tricks i used to when i was younger, but i just need to practice sliding into them. and dancing without my glasses, because i'm so fucking blind. and then i need to make sure my hair is cut, everything's shaved, legs are oiled, nails are painted. i don't wear body makeup on stage. everybody said i looked very soft and touchable despite not having any makeup, so. fuck the makeup.
and i have a great time at chez paree--it's a quiet little club, there's no stage fee, etc.
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