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evie Pruhzizes! - Subscribe
Constantly trying to pair up words in a sequence no one has ever done before.

This is poetry, this is art. This is impossible.

Jeremy bought me fun smelly stuff today. It made me feel better about Chelsea telling me I always smell like poop. I don't know if I really smell like poop that often or if she was just being immature. However the expensive black raspberry vanilla musk confiscates any further questioning.

She dropped my kitten several times. He went splat. She decided he's softer upside down. He was terrified. When he tried to get down she dropped him. He never lands on his feet. If you play with him once or twice you realize this.

He's a snuggly baby and he misses Papa Jin. He cries at night for lack of a feathery ginger boa to attack.

She tortures Puzzle, she insults me, she broke my cutting board, trashed the living room, allows the bin to pile up. These are only the things that have happened in the past few days.

I got snarky with Jeremy when I tried to complain and he didn't respond. Finally he told me it didn't seem so bad. I'm so tired of him.

Maybe I'm just being childish.

I'm being childish because he made it up to me with candy.

I miss counseling. I miss bitching to someone who is professionally empathetic. Someone who doesn't sleep with me.

God I want sex.
0 Comments
Mood: Horny

preacher31 IS HE YOUR FRIEND Nov 29th, 2008 6:39:30 pm - Subscribe

Scripture:

Hebrews 12:23 (New International Version)
23to the church of the firstborn, whose names
are written in heaven. You have come to God,
the judge of all men, to the spirits of righteous
men made perfect,

Reflection:

After serving 15 years in prison for his crime,
the convict walks out a free man. He has paid
his debt to society, he is now a free. But
now the real question arises: Has he changed
his ways? Or will he return to a life of crime?
These are two very important questions, not
only for the man but also for society.
Justice may have been served without the
criminal's having been rehabilitated. But
unless both take place, the criminal will only
become hardened in his unrighteous ways.
In our Christian Walk, progress results from
the twofold action of justification and sanctification.
We need to constantly remember that our savior
Jesus Christ took care of God's justice by dying on
the cross. Jesus accepted that death penalty and
brought it upon Himself that we sinful men and
woman deserved. And if you believe in Jesus Christ
and believe in His death and resurrection, you, yes
you can walk right out of that prison of sin a free
person.
But that act of belief of declaring yourself free from the
guilt of sin has to be followed by rehabilitation. You see
like the convict constantly tempted to return to a life of
crime, you are constantly tempted by sin. When you are,
that's when you need to remember that Christ also walked
out of prison with you and He's the best friend a convict
will ever have. IS HE YOUR FRIEND?

Prayer:

Thank you God for sending Your Son to set me free!!!!!!
0 Comments

end-of rest in peace. Nov 28th, 2008 5:08:17 am - Subscribe
I don't want
numbers
they blur the page
before my eyes
a body count

even less
do I want
names
the missing
the grieving

another night
to mourn
and days of
sorrow coming

fear and fire
on the
blue green planet

as we slaughter
our people
ourselves
mass devastation

brother
sister
torture,
terror

we do not
forget
rest in peace
you die not
in vain
rest in peace

rest in peace
and may peace
take you home

we do not
forget
they cannot
forgive

my apocalypse
slithers near
waiting to strike
watching you

tearing the
beating heart
out of the world.
0 Comments
Mood: exhausted.

preacher31 MY THANKSGIVING PRAYER TO YOU Nov 26th, 2008 1:50:42 am - Subscribe

My Thanksgiving prayer
to you from me;
Is for love strong and true
that you hold within thee.

A heart that beats steady
and holds love within;
For your brothers and sisters
and all creatures by Him.

A soul that is worthy
of all of His love;
That is given to you
from the Heavens above.

Food on your table
that you thank the Lord for;
Friends to surround you
forever and more.

A house filled with love
and the light how it shines;
Showing all of its beauty
till the end of time.

Kindness towards others
for all of your days;
To be returned I pray
in many a way.

A good job to keep you
and pay all your bills;
That you spend it all wisely
and not on the frills.

A family around you
that is loving and true;
That you all stand together
for there are so few.

Children to bless you
if that is God's will;
To cherish and nourish
so your life is fulfilled.

Dreams of pure beauty
as you lay there and sleep;
Through the peaceful night
when darkness is deep.

An angel to guide you
through morning and night;
To protect you and love you
till the end of your plight.

And last but most important
your love for God will shine through;
To the Heavens above
for He's waiting for you.

Amen and God bless!

~Author~
Judy N. Marquart
© November 2002
0 Comments

evie Facebook Status Drama Nov 25th, 2008 12:35:32 am - Subscribe
Rachel Everett:

is too old for this.

finds this all very amusing.

thinks it's silly how you overreact to everything.

doesn't understand how you can be mean to someone like Shannon. Someone who has been wonderful to you.

can't wait for you to get a real landlord. One who won't put up with your being 25 days late on rent without charging a late fee.

doesn't think the greatest photographer could portray you as you are

doesn't think your boyfriend is the greatest photographer.

will not delete you as a friend on facebook because she secretly can't wait for the day you break up with your boyfriend. She's sure it will be his fault.

wishes you would grow up with her instead of insisting on this childish mentality.

doesn't understand how a person could point-blank lie about something so obvious.

hopes you have the decency to clean before you move out.

understands that you can't handle responsibility so she won't put any added pressure on you.

knows how self defeating your mindset is, so she won't call you out when it's really your fault.

really doesn't want anything of yours.

misses the old days just as much as you, but wouldn't change anything now.

knows this town won't miss you anymore than you will it.

doesn't really think it's the town you have a problem with.

can finally call you out on things.

is no longer dependent on you.

cannot wait for you to be out of her life.

has changed.

knows you will not.
0 Comments
Mood: tranquil

preacher31 THE FIRST AMERICAN THANKSGIVING Nov 24th, 2008 8:19:21 pm - Subscribe

The First American Thanksgiving
is attributed to the autumnal feast held by the Pilgrims
and Massasoit in 1621. The Mayflower passengers,
having survived a rather challenging winter in the
"New World" and having managed to harvest their
surviving crops, hosted a feast which was an
English tradition that signaled the end of harvest time.

The Massasoit's religion demanded that they
help those who came with empty hands. The
recently landed newcomers had been in such
need during their first year in the territory.
Additionally, the Massasoit were members
of the widespread confederacy of Algonkian-
speaking people known as the League of
Delaware. They were also the most important
and influential sachem of the Wamapanoag.
It was because of the Massasoit's generosity
and in hopes to negotiate a land deal that
they were invited to the harvest celebration
with the Separatists. The most noteworthy
and historically familiar member of the Native
party was Squanto, who was the only non-
Separatist who had been formally educated
and baptized a Christian.

The date of the feast is unknown. However,
it must have occurred previously to December
as that is the month that one of the only
written accounts first is documented. There
are only two known written eyewitness reports
of the event; that of Edward Winslow and
William Bradford who described the details
of the fishing and hunting expeditions and
the fact that the festivities lasted three days.

The Massasoit, ninety individuals in totem,
provided five deer for the feast. Among some
of the other edible items were duck, geese,
turkey, fish, and corn. It is unlikely that the
dishes presented were extravagant because
the colonists weren't aware when the next
ship docking would take place and would
have conserved whatever spices they had.

There are many myths surrounding the
modern day celebration of Thanksgiving.
Although Thanksgiving as a holiday can
be traced to the harvest celebration of 1621,
it was neither a feast held annually or meant
as a celebration of giving thanks. Just two years
later, in 1623, there is no mention of a Thanksgiving
feast.

The Pilgrims were primarily a Separatist group
who arrived in Massachusetts the previous year.
Their visual use in Thanksgiving decorations is
often misconstrued. The familiar black and
white garb with the large buckles that we
see today is incorrect. The appearance is
related to Puritans who arrived in the Americas
later and who only used the black and white garb
occasionally. Buckles weren't in production until
the late 1600's as well.

When a member of the Mayflower party would
die, an inventory of their belongings would be
assessed. Most inventories revealed a tendency
for darker colors, but many people had a wide
range of color in their clothing collections.

The Pilgrims weren't the only ones misrepresented
in latter day artwork and stories. The Massasoit
are typically depicted in costumes that are more
closely related to Plains tribes.

The first national Thanksgiving was declared in
1777 by the Continental Congress. It wasn't yet
an observed holiday and several other "Thanksgiving"
days were proclaimed inconsistently until 1815.
Thanksgiving reverted to being a regional event
until 1863 when two days were declared. The first
being August 6th after the victory at Gettysburg
and the second being the first last-Thursday-in-
November celebration. Abraham Lincoln was the
first American President to proclaim Thanksgiving
a nationally observed holiday as the insistence of
a long-time advocate, Sarah Hale. However, in 1939,
Franklin D. Roosevelt believed the holiday to fall too
close to Christmas
and made a motion for it to be celebrated on the third
Thursday in November. Not every State complied. In
1941, a joint resolution of Congress chose the fourth
Thursday in November, which is not always the last
Thursday in the month.

Today, Thanksgiving isn't considered Thanksgiving
unless there is a bountiful feast of turkey and all the
trimmings, images of Pilgrims and Native Americans,
or the ever popular pumpkin. Through the years, it's
become a religiously affiliated holiday and trips to
local churches as well as providing a banquet for
the less fortunate have become seasonal traditions.
0 Comments

end-of wintersleep Nov 21st, 2008 11:39:58 pm - Subscribe
don't know
why words like
snowflakes fall

no reason but
to speak of
the coming tide

subtle beauty
night calling
I desire only

words like
sunlight piercing
to warm me

bitter season
winter winds
now rending

words from
me like boughs
from treetops

to scatter on
frozen earth
like snowflakes

freeze still the
cheerful spring
of poetry

my white forest
empty, silent,
brittle, waits

no warmth
in words
to thaw us

don't know
why words like
snowflakes drift

unable to tempt
summer back
to this place.
1 Comments
Mood: sleepy.

evie Red Paper Nov 19th, 2008 4:32:11 am - Subscribe
Bob told me it would be interesting to see me not have sex for a month. I had this great image of myself, bloodied crawling around on the ground, muttering "need sex" over and over. I laughed and felt compelled to draw it.

I had some weird episode in his office, probably from low blood sugar. I was thinking about how cool I was in high school and how I never drank, then something about Eric crossed my mind and I got light-headed. I was incredibly sad, I think I may have teared up. Things got fuzzy around my eyes but not like I was blacking out. It was more electric. Blue clouds in front of me, comforting my mind. I felt Bob's voice disappearing, replaced by the sound of oxygen while distant imaginary vehicals honked at me. I like to think this was my brain protecting me from whatever it was I was feeling. When I began to return to reality, Bob asked me who walked out on me.

"What?!?"

He asked me where I went, I had no clue. He decided I was either hungry or pregnant. Either seems logical. I wonder if I was talking during this bout of invisibility. If there was a reason he asked me who walked out on me. I may have to inquire about this later. Fortunately, no one has ever walked out on me.

Carbon monoxide? I didn't hear my pulse.

I came 5-9 times in the past 24 hours. My mom saw my sex hair. I miss her. She's nutz.
0 Comments
Mood: down

preacher31 PRAYER TO DO WHATS RIGHT Nov 19th, 2008 1:47:50 am - Subscribe

(Here is a prayer I pray everyday)

O Almighty & Everlasting God, creator
of heaven, earth and the universe.
Help me to be, to think, to act what
is right, because it is right. Make me
truthful, honest and honorable in all
things, make me intellectually honest,
for the sake of right and honor and
without thought of reward to me.
Give me the ability to be charitable,
forgiving, and patient with my fellow
men. Help me to understand their
motives and their shortcomings, even
as thou understands mine!
In Jesus Name AMEN
0 Comments

preacher31 TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE IT RIGHT Nov 18th, 2008 1:50:22 am - Subscribe

"Finally, all of you, love in harmony with one another,
be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate
and humble....that you may inherit a blessing."
(1 Peter 3:8-9)

Reflection:

We have all heard the quote that says, "Two
wrongs don't make a right". That statement is
quite logical but logic flies out the window when
someone hurts you. But before you strike
back, stop remember that the love of Christ
in your heart can absorb the hurt and can
enable you to bless you would be adversary.
That's right you can bless him. Thank God
that His Spirit will give you grace to follow the
example set by Christ Himself.

Prayer For President-Elect:

O Lord God, You are mighty and strong,
unshakable and powerful in all Your ways.
I praise You for calling us to hide in You,
to take refuge in You during times when
we are tempted to fear. When things in
our lives appear to be falling apart, I
thank You that You are immovable
and strong.

Today I pray for the President-Elect,
that You will help and empower him
to place his full trust in You. Make
him fearless, Lord. May he replace
any fear he feels with confidence
and trust in You at every turn. Hold
him firmly in Your hand as he trusts
in You, O mighty God. In Your
wonderful name, amen.
0 Comments

evie Next time Nov 16th, 2008 4:29:23 am - Subscribe
I drank enough to let him fuck me. How many shots? I don't know. It doesnt matter. I don't really care. It's not like I did it to prove a point. Maybe, or did I?

Who cares.

So I felt totally used. He offered me weed. This made those thoughts and feelings go away. Until I woke. That's when I went to work. I have to play it off. Working is a lot like alcohol. Mindless activity that makes me forget.

He texted me thousands of times. It irritated me and slowed me down a bit. I thought he was being dramatic. I just moved back into my house. I'm not his fucking girlfriend. So I planned on walking in screaming something along the lines of "What the fuck did I do to you?" or something just to see if he would scream back only to immediately laugh at him and show I'm actually totally cool. Instead I got all weird and emotional but still attempted to play it off.

I wouldn't do it now.

Jealousy means caring. Caring means future pain and disappointment.

I miss Jeremy.

Why did I have sex with Old Kid?
0 Comments
Mood: stormy

preacher31 77 DAYS OF PRAYER FOR OUR NEW PRESIDENT Nov 12th, 2008 11:35:33 am - Subscribe

Day Eight: November 12, 2008
69 days, 19 hours and 16 minutes
left until inauguration day.

For the President- and Vice President-Elect
to be wise and thoughtful as they exercise
their authority, firmly resisting the temptation
to abuse it
When the righteous thrive, the people rejoice;
when the wicked rule, the people groan.
â€"Proverbs 29:2

All-knowing God, before You all
things are laid bare and every
detail, whether large or small
is known. All praise and glory goes
to You, O mighty God, for Your
omniscience and omnipotence
before the greatest and least of
the rulers of our world.

Lord, we ask You today to help
the new President and Vice President
of our nation to be persons of impeccable
integrity. O God, make this team one
that does not use its authority for
frivolous means or mis-guided intent,
but instead recognizes and reveres
the responsibility that has been given
to them. May they see it as a divine
trust given by You. Cause them to be
wise and proper stewards of their
positions, and keep them from the
evil that could so easily ensnare
them in dishonesty. By the power
of Jesus we pray, amen.
0 Comments

preacher31 77 DAYS OF PRAYER FOR OUR NEW PRESIDENT Nov 11th, 2008 12:47:46 pm - Subscribe

For righteousness and godliness to characterize
the life and actions of the new President, Vice
President and every newly-elected leader
Who is wise? He will realize these things. Who
is discerning? He will understand them. The
ways of the LORD are right; the righteous
walk in them, but the rebellious stumble in them.
â€"Hosea 14:9

O mighty God, You are our perfect and
righteous God. There is no goodness or
righteousness apart from You and Your
ways. Today I praise and thank You for
Your perfection and Your holiness. Even
though they are unattainable, they put in
my heart a thirst for You and Your goodness.
Thank You, Lord that Your holiness compels
us to be holy.

I pray today for the new President, asking that
You will put in his heart a desire for You, for
Your goodness and holiness. I pray that You
will give him a thirst for wisdom, discernment
and understanding from You. Protect him from
leaning only on his own wisdom, and cause him
to look to You. Cause him and the Vice
President and all our elected leaders to desire
Your righteousness, so that their steps may be
sure. This I ask in Jesus’ name, amen.
0 Comments

preacher31 77 DAYS OF PRAYER FOR OUR NEW PRESIDENT Nov 10th, 2008 10:50:45 am - Subscribe

Day Six: November 10, 2008
71 days, 19 hours
left until inauguration day.


For the President-Elect to be genuinely
humbled before God as he faces the
daunting task of leading our nation
for the next four years
The fear of the Lord teaches a man
wisdom, and humility comes before honor.
â€"Proverbs 15:33

Holy God, You give us the gift of
communication with You through prayer.
You promise to guide us as we humble
ourselves before You, and You declare
Your truth and insight to us as we listen
to You respond to our supplications.

Today, Heavenly Father, we ask that
You would empower our new President
to revere You, putting aside all pride and
self-centeredness as he acknowledges
who You are and what You wish to
accomplish through him. Show him
that for him to be honored, he must
humble himself before You and be
taught by Your voice and by Your Word.
As he does this, Lord, give him confidence
that, as he trusts in You, You will
equip him to meet the challenges of
his high calling as President of the
United States. In the name of
Jesus we pray, amen.
0 Comments

evie Guess What I Found Nov 10th, 2008 1:01:30 am - Subscribe
Alcohol abstinence, not so hot. I went Friday and Saturday on one cigarette. It about killed me. Friday was fine. I fucked Jeremy in his freezy house and fell asleep in front of a rusty space heater. My mother and I argued about different things. She was cranky pretty much all weekend. Menopause or something.

Saturday I couldn't make up my mind what to wear to the shower. I was so afraid of creating some insane reaction within my mother. She generally approves of crazy outfit when she's happy. I figured this particular day I should make an attepmpt at conventionalism.

I went to the damn shower. Hundreds of pregnant women and fucking children everywhere. I pretty much wanted to disappear. Everyone was loud and fake. I had to sit in the car. It was too much for me to take.

We went shopping. Fruitless. Boring. Exhausing.

After we got home I went to Ellsworth to see Jeremy at work. He had the day off so we just drove around. We went to the park where I ended up crying on him about how my parents moved all the stuff out of my room, how I'm "not ready to be an aunt," I'll never amount to anything or graduate and I'm just going to be an alcoholic lesbian housekeeper for the rest of my life.

At home I heard scratching on the door. It was waggy. His chain broke but we haven't bothered fixing it since he's too fat to go far. He waddled inside, breathing heavily, and collapsed at my feet. My mom laughed because he always looks cheerful but I know he's in pain. I started crying and my mom tried to convince me that he was happy. I knew better. We really need to put him down. Mom is certain that he's fine.

We had a lot of disagreements. It drives me crazy. I'm so used to people with logical arguments and being able to discuss things without someone veering completely off topic. It's so irritating. We were at the store and she kept talking to herself. I really hope she doesn't do that when I'm not around. I was trying to talk to her but she kept reading things out loud.

"Why don't they make raisin oatmeal anymore?"
"dog chow..no...32 plastic, why would they put 32 spoons..tear here...cap'n crunch, what did I need over here...there's the chex..I don't need that.."
"Oh, I should get some chex considering I won't be eating raisin bran ever again"
"Chex is good for...why are there oven mitts by the...oh here do you need 'Raisin Almond Bran Crunch'"
"Are you even listeining to me?"
"Yeah I am, you said 'Why don't they make raisin oatmeal anymore"

Space Cadet.

I'm losing patience with her. I don't want to see her for a long time.
0 Comments
Mood: irritated

end-of daughter. Nov 8th, 2008 6:00:35 am - Subscribe
I put away
every sharp object:
pin and blade
and dangerous edge.

I still don't
trust myself
with scissors,
even these days.

Part of loving
oneself is
knowing how far
that love extends.

Part of being
a family is
knowing you'll
have to leave.

How far I've come,
to stand here and
to hold myself up -
courage, pride, strength.

I break so easily -
tears to drown me;
rage to scream
at you endlessly -

because I'm guilty
of knowing that
these days are
numbered few.

Regret sits
on the back step
with the pumpkin
we didn't carve

this year, because
I wasn't here -
unwanted, unaddressed
and necessary.

I'm not
your little girl
anymore -
I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean
to go
and grow up
and go away.

I stare at my wrists
hating time
for dragging me on
through life;

for tearing us
apart and
casting me
into future.

Oh, how I
want to remain -

I'm not your
little girl now,

but I'll always be
your daughter

and I'll always be
your big sister;

I'll always want
this house; I'll

never leave.

I put away
the scissors, and
my ink
and all my words.

I chose to live
that night, years ago,
for you, so now
I have to go.

Part of
being a family -
however torn,
however mad -

is knowing
you'll never
have to leave,
right?

I'll always have
what you gave me:
courage, pride,
strength and love;

and I'll always
be your daughter
your big sister -
always belong.
2 Comments
Mood: unhappy

preacher31 I AM SO PROUD Nov 6th, 2008 2:07:38 am - Subscribe

PRAY FOR OUR PRESIDENT ELECT

Give thanks for the blessings of democracy
experienced in America yesterday as the
nation's first African-American President was
elected. Pray for President Elect Obama
and Vice President Elect Biden as they
plan for their new administration.
Pray for our nation to be united under God
as we move into the coming months...

Give thanks for the outworking of God’s
sovereign will in our nation through the
votes of citizens as seen in yesterday's
election. Praise God for answered prayers
as there were no major incidents and results
were known with certainty. Pray for President
Elect Obama to seek God and His will in every
decision and plan that he makes, and pray for
his safety as he travels and makes plans.

Pray for President-Elect Obama that he will be
awed before God with the responsibility he has
to seek His face as he prepares to lead the
nation. Pray for a swell of support in prayer
for him as he makes plans. Pray also for
Senator John McCain, that he will have God’s
grace as he returns to his former responsibilities.

Prayer For Our President Elect Obama

Most High God, Blessed and Wonderful
Savior, Ever-present Holy Spirit,
Precious Lord, our Governor, Whose
glory is in all the world,
We commend this nation to your
compassionate and merciful care
As we are guided by you providence,
may we dwell secure in your peace.
Grant to the President Elect Obama
of the United States, your wisdom
and strength to know and to do your will.
Fill the President Obama with the love
of truth and righteousness.
Make him ever mindful of his call to
serve this people in your fear.
In the name of the Wonderful Father,
Most Beloved And Precious Son,
and Ever-present Holy Spirit
upon whom we can rely.
Amen
0 Comments

preacher31 PLEASE GET OUT AND VOTE Nov 4th, 2008 11:29:51 am - Subscribe

An unprecedented opportunity is at hand.
A promise to be realized.
A truth to be perfected.
A challenge to be met.
An honor to be earned.
A right to be exercised.
An experiment in democracy to be
strengthened.

And one thing is certain...

Your vote
Is critical!
Today we each have a chance
to make a difference.
Will your voice be heard? Will your vote
be counted?
Be connected.
Empower yourself.
THIS IS YOUR COUNTRY
VOTE FOR IT!

GOD BLESS AMERICA,
GOD BLESS ALL HIS CREATION
0 Comments

preacher31 AN OPEN LETTER TO "CHRISTIAN" POLITICIANS Nov 4th, 2008 2:51:09 am - Subscribe

You shall not murder (Exodus 20:13).

But I tell you, do not resist an evil person.
If someone strikes you on the right cheek,
turn to him the other also (Matthew 5:39).

Reflection:

I think the time has come. We claim to follow the
teachings of the Son of God, the Savior of the World.
Then let's start doing it. Jesus Christ constantly teaches
us to "love your enemies", "turn the other cheek", "do not
resist evil with evil". When are we going to get the hint?
When are we going to follow the teachings of Christ. Please
don't say that you are a Christian just to get votes! These
teaching's are not off the cuff remarks from Christ, they are
the very basis of what Christ was telling us. He does not
ever speak of war, of killing, He only speaks of peace and love.
When are we going to learn that the way to overcome evil, the
way to overcome our enemies, IS TO DO MORE GOOD.
We turn our enemies into friends, by the good we do. When
you do good things, you are no longer seen as a threat!
When there is evil power in control, the way to overcome that
power is to do more good for the less powerful. You see Christ
taught us the meek shall inherit the earth, not the powerful.
My Christian brother's and sister's, especially those running for
office, don't take my word for this, read your Bible. If you can read
the teachings of Jesus Christ, and find where Christ teaches us
that violence, war, aggression, police action, and killing are
acceptable responses to evil, please oh please let me know
where. Because if you can't, then please think about calling
yourself a Christian, and I mean know judgment here,
only an opinion. I certainly have enough logs in my own eyes to be
looking for the specks in others eyes. Finally I'm not trying to
convert anyone here, I'm only asking that the one's who claIm to
converted, ACT LIKE IT!!!!!

GOD BLESS AMERICA! GOD BLESS YOU!

Quote:

Muriel Lester
Social Activist, Gandhian Pacifist
(1883-196cool.gif

"The job of the peacemaker is to stop war,
to purify the world, to get it saved from poverty and riches,
to heal the sick, to comfort the sad, to wake up those who
have not yet found God."

(IN OTHER WORDS TO DO GOOD!)
0 Comments

evie Map Quiz Oct 30th, 2008 2:17:57 am - Subscribe
I cleaned all weekend. The house looks fantastic. All except the sink. She left a million dishes behind. All just soaking there. The hamburger helper skillet has obtained a soul and threatens me sometimes.

I put Puzzle in foster care since she is abusive towards him. I spend most of my time there as well.

She left on Friday. My weekend was amazing. I felt great, I had no qualms with sobriety.

Monday her status read: Chelsea feels guilty about skipping class because she absolutely dreads going back to Hays.

Good for her.

Tuesday I came home hoping Chelsea would either have her dishes done or at least be making more in a cheery mood, thanking me for cleaning the house. Neither. She was in her room, on the phone with boyfriend, like usual. Sink monster growling at my entrance. My tablecloth was on my bed, a new festive one was on the table. Didn't know what that meant. I went to Chris's and slept four hours. I woke up, and got ready to leave, he walked in I mentioned that something happened but I didnt remember what. I suddenly remembered and I very comically explained the tablecloth ordeal. He laughed and I went home to obtain pajama pants. I saw Lucas's and Megan's car at the house so entered upstairs and gave the same performance. Megan, who has no sense of humor laughed at my finale. I grabbed my pants and left. On the way home a wave of panic overwhelmed me and as soon as I reached Chris's, I went straight for the alcohol. I had just enough vodka and orange juice to take the edge off. I felt indifferent to what had happened. She left sarcastic comments inquiring about the absence of Puzzle on facebook. I decided my diet coke didn't have enough vodka.

Today I felt irrationally sad all day. I couldn't stop thinking about drinking. I tried to take a nap. I went to the bathroom and started crying. Just a little at first. After a few minutes I thought I was done. Then I grew hysterical. I sat on the floor, tearing my hair out, wailing. I rolled around on the floor sobbing for about an hour. When I finally wore myself out I went out for a smoke.

"Chelsea has come to the conclusion that Grampa no longer exists. Just Rachel and even that is questionable."

I sped home with several questions:
What did I do wrong?
What do you want me to do?
Who am I now?
How can you tell?
I'm never around.

She wasnt home, I texted Chris "Her facebook status" and was surprised to find a response from Chelsea. I texted the wrong person. I told her I figured we needed to talk but she said she wouldn't be home. I left her a letter in her room. It wasn't a nasty letter. Just telling her about how I'm sad all the time, how she can put me on edge and how I have absolutely no idea what I did wrong.

I went back to Chris's. I brought vodka.

This is the most tension between me and another person since I lived with my mom. I hate drama. I hate sobriety. I wish this all wasn't so lame. I wish this pathetic squabble wasn't the reason I want to drink. I wish I had something worthwhile to talk about in counseling instead of this jr. high bullshit.

A week and three days. I am absolutely pathetic.
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Mood: disgusted