jump
Date: Aug 24th, 2008 4:53:39 pm - Subscribe
Mood: used
Why do you expect things from me, for me to come running at your beck and call, for me to relieve you of any uncomfortable or undesired situations, when you've done nothing for me?
Yeah, I know I said I'd be there for you when you need me, that I'd be happy to help you with any problems. But I hadn't account for the fact that you wouldn't talk to me for days at a time, would hardly acknowledge my presence when I'm over at your place, would make no effort whatsoever to see how I'm doing. And then you text me at 4 in the morning to let me know that you are bored and that I should come hang out with you. There was no "Hi, how are you?" no consideration for the fact that I could've been sleeping (which is very valid considering how I usually sleep at 1. I just couldn't sleep on this particular night.) You just selfishly wanted your sense of boredom and loneliness to vanish. But what about me? What about the fact that the past few days, you had me wondering why you hadn't made any contact with me? What of the loneliness and abandonment I felt?
And then you get mad at me for not humoring you. Well I'm sorry babe, but maybe you should've texted one of those young girls who is so "in love" with you. Given their immaturity, and that of yours, I'm sure you would've been much more entertained by one of them.
you didn't like him; you thought he wasn't good enough for me. but at least he paid attention to me, at least he didn't repeatedly break my heart.
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Patience, my dear child, is a virtue.
Date: Aug 7th, 2008 6:03:28 am - Subscribe
Mood: terrible
I hate waiting.
Well, no, I hate waiting with uncertainty. I hate waiting for someone to come and pick me up (or just to get here) without giving me a specific time. I hate waiting in ridiculously long lines not knowing how long it will take or how many more minutes or hours until I can go home and relax. I hate waiting to see how I did on a test.
I hate that feeling of anxiety -- of uncertainty. Of not knowing; not knowing if everything is or will be alright or not. The suspense is draining and often leaves me feeling empty and needing something.someone concrete. "Maybe if I can just touch someone, be in their embrace, maybe it'll go away. Maybe they'll keep me grounded and I won't feel helpless not knowing. Maybe they'll wait with me."
---The world is full of wait. We're constantly waiting. Waiting for a new day. The next semester. A new year. Another chance. A fresh start. It's impossible to escape the web of Wait. Since birth, we've been caught in it and it has done its job and we are surrounded by Wait.---
And I wait. I wait for my anchor. The object that will keep me from being caught in the undertow and pull me out to sea. I wait with uncertainty, not knowing when it will ever come and provide me with security, or if it will come at all. i wait.
will you ever come? will You change your mind?
I don't know how long I can hold on. You were right, it is hard to wait for something that you know may never happen. Especially if it's everything you've ever wanted.
But if it IS everything you want, it's worth the wait, right? Even if it may not happen? But who knows? It could. Waiting is a process built of uncertainty. And uncertainty means that there's a chance.
And a chance means a future.
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dot.dot.dot.
Date: Aug 2nd, 2008 7:43:19 am - Subscribe
Mood: helpless
I hate it when people fight. My parents especially. When they fight, not only does the darkness looms over their heads, it seems to engulf the whole house. The silence doesn't just come from us kids. It oozes out from the walls. It doesn't matter where you go; kitchen.bathroom.your own room even. It's inescapable. Quietness from all angles of the house except from the mouths of the two eldest members of the family. Shouts of the past.the present.the future. Threats of beatings and leavings. Chaos spills from their mouths. It's inescapable and unbearable. We speak nothing but silence.
Why do I even come back?
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I hate myself for having these "ups" and "downs" moments so frequently. Nobody deserves to be at the recieving end of it.
Date: Aug 1st, 2008 6:26:31 am - Subscribe
Mood: regretful
Why does loving you hurt so much?
A. tells me I should let go. I know this. But I can't. I'm too attached.
Sometimes I wish I would have just stop fighting back at the lake. Stop kicking and just fall into the welcoming darkness.
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep at night because I'm coming to the realization that chances (and hope) are getting slimmer by the day.
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Awkwardness and Pain
Date: Jul 29th, 2008 7:55:09 am - Subscribe
C. said to me the other day, after we engaged in some deep physical bonding activities, "Lets try to not act awkward around each other like we did last time." Then he walked out of the room and into the bathroom. As I laid there on the bed, I was utterly confused because I did not know of this "awkwardness" that he spoke of. Thinking back to a few days after the last time we Bonded, I didn't recall acting out of the norm or anything of the sort. All of my reactions were how they would've been if the same situations came up at a different time.
Then it dawned on me.
The awkwardness that he felt was me failing to hide my pain and heartache. About a week and a half after the Last Time was when I felt like I didn't have a good enough reason to live anymore. The person that I trusted.loved.admired.//.mybestfriend. broke my heart and I thought that the one person that I live for and try so hard to please could cast me aside so quickly, then why can't I do the same to myself. (I tried/I couldn't go through with it. I guess I don't love him or need him to return the love to me as much as I thought I did.) And while I wanted him to know how much I was hurting (because I still secretly hoped that he would undo it all by saying we'll be together) I didn't want him to know, because I did not want him beating himself up about it. --It's heart-wrenching to see the one you love spiraling down a well of depression and know that you're the one that caused it.-- I guess in the midst of all of my contradictory desires, I did not conceal my emotions very well.
I wanted to hold him. But couldn't look at him without crying.
I wanted to yell at him. To beat him. I wanted him to feel the same shredded-heart feeling that I was enduring.
But I wanted him to be happy.
I wanted to caress his face.his hair.his back.
I wanted to love him and to hate him.
Interesting how pain, when received with ignorance, can be easily mistaken as awkwardness.
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