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aleaffalls
New Beginning. - Subscribe
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Everyone always says that people change the most when they hit the early 20's. But what happens if who you become when you get to that point isn't who you want to be? I'm not quite there yet, but I'm getting really close, and I've noticed that the person that I've transformed into over the last 2 or 3 years is repulsive, to say the least. When I was younger, I was so much more independent. It's scary how much can change in so little time. Back in high school, I didn't need anybody to hold my hands in important decision making. Granted, it was never easy to decide on something. However, once my mind was made up, it was made up. No doubts, no regrets. I had less self confidence then, but I didn't need constance reassurance and company like I do now. I was perfectly fine spending my afternoons at home and my weekends working. I never asked my parents for more than what they gave me. I was strong, emotionally. I had a wall, a very sturdy wall, that kept any desire along those lines in and that kept any survival help from anyone out. But it got broken down. Shattered, and floods of emotions flowed freely to and fro. And yeah, it was good in that I was able to engage myself completely into anything and everything that stirred up emotions, but is that really worth this sense of emptiness? This void that can't seem to be filled? I constantly doubt myself, my decisions, my desires. Everything about me. I don't know what to do on my own anymore. I have to get guidance from my peers, I have to hear words of encouragement before I start on anything. I just don't feel like I'm in charge of me anymore. Not even that, I feel like.... I wouldn't even be capable of directing my own life. But it stops now. This will be the end of this sad, pathetic, and uncertain me. And the first step is to let go. To let go of this passive hope on an event that will never happen. ...even as I typed the words, in the back of my mind, a voice says "You don't know that... it could happen, you never know what the future has in store for you." This is going to be a long process that hopefully I won't derail from. Lets hope this works. Toast to a new beginning. |
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aleaffalls
Can't think of a sufficient subject Nov 15th, 2007 1:52:00 am - Subscribe
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There's this guy that I've heard things about, bad things, prior to meeting him. I heard from a close friend of mine, through personal experience, that he is a player. I heard that he is charming but dishonest; a lethal combination. Because of her experience, every time I heard his name, I regarded it with disdain and disgust. This was several years ago. So for the last 3 or so years, I've lived life thinking that this certain person is not a good person, that he's no good to anybody that he gets involved with, that you'll just end up getting hurt if you let your guard down around him. I actually met him about a month ago. And even though I know his past, I can't seem to disregard his seemingly genuine sincerity and possible interest in me. A big part of me tells me that I'm crazy and that he could never be attracted to me, but then the non hesitant side says that there is a chance and reasons it out with the fact that he's the first guy in a long time to sit extremely close to me and give me unnecessary hugs and gentle touches on the knees. True, there is a high possibility that he is just overly friendly, but what if it isn't openness? What if he is in fact interested? Then what? I don't know enough about him to decide on what I truly want to happen. What happens if that isn't how he acts towards all girls? What would I do? Given what I've heard and seen (I had to clean up the mess he made of my dear friend) I'm not sure if I want to get involved with anybody like that. Sure I am attracted to him, but is that worth getting hurt for? I tried really REALLY hard not to think about it; to let nature take its course and see what happens from there, but it's so hard! I am a thinker and I don't like surprises, so I like to plan out all the possible scenarios so that I won't be surprised if and when one of them happens. Then I just get stuck on one of them. I really need to loosen up and not think so much. |