New Beginning.
Date: Nov 4th, 2007 1:19:18 am - Subscribe
Mood: uncertain
Everyone always says that people change the most when they hit the early 20's. But what happens if who you become when you get to that point isn't who you want to be? I'm not quite there yet, but I'm getting really close, and I've noticed that the person that I've transformed into over the last 2 or 3 years is repulsive, to say the least. When I was younger, I was so much more independent. It's scary how much can change in so little time. Back in high school, I didn't need anybody to hold my hands in important decision making. Granted, it was never easy to decide on something. However, once my mind was made up, it was made up. No doubts, no regrets. I had less self confidence then, but I didn't need constance reassurance and company like I do now. I was perfectly fine spending my afternoons at home and my weekends working. I never asked my parents for more than what they gave me. I was strong, emotionally. I had a wall, a very sturdy wall, that kept any desire along those lines in and that kept any survival help from anyone out. But it got broken down. Shattered, and floods of emotions flowed freely to and fro. And yeah, it was good in that I was able to engage myself completely into anything and everything that stirred up emotions, but is that really worth this sense of emptiness? This void that can't seem to be filled? I constantly doubt myself, my decisions, my desires. Everything about me. I don't know what to do on my own anymore. I have to get guidance from my peers, I have to hear words of encouragement before I start on anything. I just don't feel like I'm in charge of me anymore. Not even that, I feel like.... I wouldn't even be capable of directing my own life.
But it stops now. This will be the end of this sad, pathetic, and uncertain me. And the first step is to let go. To let go of this passive hope on an event that will never happen. ...even as I typed the words, in the back of my mind, a voice says "You don't know that... it could happen, you never know what the future has in store for you." This is going to be a long process that hopefully I won't derail from. Lets hope this works. Toast to a new beginning.
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