"Carter"
Date: Jul 20th, 2008 8:54:42 am - Subscribe
Mood: torn
Dear "C",
I remember you asking me once what my thoughts were on you joining a fraternity. If I recall correctly, I never gave you a direct response. I told you that the decision is yours to make; that if you feel like joining them will make you feel a sense of wholeness and belonging, then you should. However, it was still something that you had to figure out for yourself and pass judgment on.
Well, here's my opinion. True and uncensored. Although too late for it to change anything, as you have crossed over from a pledge to an active, I still feel that it deserves a recognition of its own.
It seems to me as though you joined them not because you wanted to develop a deep unwaivering relationship with your to-be brothers. From what I have heard, you just want to fill a hole within you. I feel that, because you feel so lost, you wanted to go through the pledging process to "find yourself" and that you since you haven't had any success making it on your own, you figured, "Why not let them help me?". I get the feeling as if you believe that you're an outsider to the world and to your friends. That sometimes, you just don't fit in. I think that you believe that if you submerge yourself into some type of organization, such as a fraternity, then you would be forced to become like them therefore fitting in. You long to lose this sense of loneliness and uncertainty. And it doesn't matter how that comes about, even if it means that you'd have to be accepted as a blurry face in a crowd of many that make up one image. You want to be liked by your peers and you feel that the only way to achieve that is to be liked as part of group and not for yourself. If you're associated with the cool kids, then you, yourself, will be cool.
But don't you see, dear, that you are not this shapeless mass of energy? That you are an individual already? You don't need a group of guys to help you find yourself. Because you're already found. You found who you are on your way to getting to where you are. It may not seem enough. But it is. It really is. You have friends that love you and love hanging out with you just the way you are. If anything, being a part of the fraternity would make you feel MORE of an outsider, because you have something that the rest of them don't have. You have an understanding of yourself. You are already this established individual that marches to the beat of your own drum. You are adventurous and free-spirited. Becoming labeled as a Greek letter would only coup you up more; not open you to more possibilities. Now, I fear that you will be dissatisfied with your commitment because you have to change what was a perfectly established personality into one of the mass-produced.
So no, I don't think that you joining the fraternity was a good idea. But it was one that you made on your own and for that, I'm proud of you. I'm proud that you actually went through with something that you were unsure of. That you were able to commit. I really hope that I'm wrong. Because you do deserve happiness. You deserve everything you desire. Because I know you, and you wouldn't allow yourself to want what you don't think you should get.
Love,
me.
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What does betrayal mean
Date: Jul 19th, 2008 1:46:15 am - Subscribe
Mood: Suicidal
BETRAYAL
2. to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling: to betray a trust.
3. to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to: to betray one's friends.
4. to reveal or disclose in violation of confidence: to betray a secret.
8. to seduce and desert.
(according to dictionary.com)
BETRAYAL, a form of deception or dismissal of prior presumptions, is the breaking or violation of a presumptive social contract (trust, or confidence) that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations or between individuals and organizations. (From Wikipedia).
It's straight forward enough right? If you've ever felt as if anyone you've trusted has ever let you down by deliberately doing something that they know would hurt you, then the word "betray" would be used and.or thought of as a fitting description. Betrayal is not a hard concept to wrap one's head around...
But... what if the trust and the expectations that you have for someone isn't suppose to be there? What if, before anything, it was decided that no extra emotions should, nor would, be involved? What if the trust that exist between the two parties is executed from only one of those people. What if, despite everything you know and agreed to, you put yourself in a position where a betrayal would be likely and easily carried out?
It's not like I didn't try to keep myself from being hurt. Who seriously would run into a burning house because they wanted to? I didn't ask to develop feelings for you. I knew falling in love with you wouldn't have have resulted well. But it's not like I could control it. The heart is a powerful thing and if it wants something badly enough, it can overpower the mind. No doubt.
In the same sense, it feels pain more effectively than the brain can sensor out. The pawns that one's psyche has to fend off any threats of pain are so weak that the slightest signs of pressure would break the barrier in an instant. What good is the brain, the MOST powerful and complex organ that a human possesses, if it cannot protect us from heartache.
The question still remains though: can it be called a betrayal still even if the trust.the expectations.the care.the love that you have for someone is unrequited, do you still call it a betrayal when they break your heart? When they are aware, but nevertheless engage, in acts that makes you feel like you don't have a reason to live anymore. When they know that all you want is for them to return the love that you have so willingly poured out to them, but they go and give it to someone else. Is it still a betrayal?
Can I feel this way..?
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qwerty keys
Date: Dec 6th, 2007 8:58:08 am - Subscribe
all that worrying for nothing. you just gotta not overthink stuff, let things happen naturally, let nature take its course, and soon, everything shall reveal itself and you'll find out how you truly feel.
i'm not hurt; in fact, i'm pretty content. it's interesting.
maybe the worrying prepared myself for the worse
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Fallin'
Date: Nov 24th, 2007 3:12:07 am - Subscribe
Mood: smitten
I'm falling and I'm falling fast. For this guy that I know I shouldn't be falling for. But he's nice, and cute, and fun. I like hanging out with him. He doesn't make me laugh like an idiot because our sense of humour is different, but being around him makes me happy. It gives me this high that I can't explain. We might not find the same things hilarious, but he is funny. Which is really good.
I feel like because I know of his past, I'm not giving him the chance that he deserves. But if I let go of all of my inhibitions, I might get hurt. Bad. So I'm hesitant. But it would be unfair to him to hold back. Because what if he's changed? It has been a few years....
And the timing is just soo... right. I mean, the guy that I can, without any doubts or hesitation, say that I love told me a couple of weeks ago that he doesn't think what we've been doing is going to work. He thinks we should just be friends, because the benefits of what we've been doing doesn't outweigh all the pain and sadness that comes along with it. And now this guy shows up, and if anything does happen between us, I don't think it would ever reach the same level of comparision as with the first guy. But we have fun together. And yeah, he may be a player and if I get in too deep, I could get my heart broken. But... he's a nice release; a nice distraction from my heartache. And if I know the consequences of getting too attached, then I just won't, right? If I know he's capable of hurting me bad if I let my guard down, then I just won't. He's fun, and I don't see any potential of a SUBSTANTIAL relationship with him. But to be honest, I'm kind of looking for that right now, so I'm fine with that. After having the truth break my heart, I'm not so sure I'm ready for anything serious.
So... this is good, right? Have fun with this guy and when it ends, move on with my life. But what happens if I do, in fact, get too close? It seems unlikely now, but anything's possible right? What happens if I let my guard down and he shatters whatever hope of love I have left? What if I get scarred for life? I think I think too much. I'm not even 100% sure that he's interested. He sure acts like it. Actually, he acts like he's looking for some fun also, so, if we both want the same thing... there's nothing to worry about, right? But there's always that chance that he's just really friendly and touchy-feely. And that's how he is with all girls.
Think think think....
I need to stop.
I will try my best to not let it get to me. And to just go with the flow.
But it's so hard.
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Can't think of a sufficient subject
Date: Nov 15th, 2007 7:52:00 am - Subscribe
Mood: conflicted
There's this guy that I've heard things about, bad things, prior to meeting him. I heard from a close friend of mine, through personal experience, that he is a player. I heard that he is charming but dishonest; a lethal combination. Because of her experience, every time I heard his name, I regarded it with disdain and disgust. This was several years ago. So for the last 3 or so years, I've lived life thinking that this certain person is not a good person, that he's no good to anybody that he gets involved with, that you'll just end up getting hurt if you let your guard down around him.
I actually met him about a month ago. And even though I know his past, I can't seem to disregard his seemingly genuine sincerity and possibly interest in me. A big part of me tells me that I'm crazy and that he could never be attracted to me, but then the non hesitant side says that there is a chance and reasons it out with the fact that he's the first guy in a long time to sit extremely close to me and give me unnecessary hugs and gentle touches on the knees.
True, there is a high possibility that he is just overly friendly, but what if it isn't openness? What if he is in fact interested? Then what? I don't know enough about him to decide on what I truly want to happen. What happens if that isn't how he acts towards all girls? What would I do? Given what I've heard and seen (I had to clean up the mess he made of my dear friend) I'm not sure if I want to get involved with anybody like that. Sure I am attracted to him, but is that worth getting hurt for?
I tried really REALLY hard not to think about it; to let nature take its course and see what happens from there, but it's so hard! I am a thinker and I don't like suprises, so I like to plan out all the possible scenarios so that I won't be suprised if and when one of them happens. Then I just get stuck on one of them.
I really need to loosen up and not think so much.
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