Forgive and Forget
Date: Jul 13th, 2009 9:49:08 am - Subscribe
Mood: meh
In my opinion, when a person says "I can and have forgiven you, but I can't forget about what you have done", it's a cop-out. Especially when the thing that can't be forgotten isn't so much the action itself, but rather the pain that the action aroused. To forgive means "to give up resentment of or claim to requital for". So how can somebody say that you are forgiven when they are clearly still holding on to the pain that you may have caused them.
Fact: I hurt you.
Fact: I would do ANYTHING in the world to ease your pain.
Fact: Nothing can take back what happened.
Opinion: It won't ever be the same again. Even if nothing had happened, things would have changed and it wouldn't be like how it was. Granted, they probably would've changed for the better, but because of what I did, the road now forks into two different paths. One will lead to our destruction, but the other could lead to something that will be better than what we had. If we can get through this successfully, nothing can break us apart besides our own will.
You taught me about the concept of systematic desensitization to help me get over my fear. We can utilize this approach to our benefit specific to the situation we are going through. If we can learn to convert the pain we feel into something else - a sense of appreciation and security maybe - then the strain on our relationship will be lessened dramatically. If we can embrace the experience for what it teaches us about ourselves and how we handle hardships instead of fixating on the never-ending emotional turmoil, it will result in a loving, long-lasting, and carefree partnership.
What I did was wrong, there's absolutely no doubt about that. But if it's not this, it would be something else. Relationships need work. There's no way around it. We can't walk away anytime obstacles get in the way of our happiness. Yes, I said that I don't expect us to end up getting married - that Life will probably lead us apart from each other. I don't expect it, just like I didn't expect to fall this hard for you, just like I didn't expect my happiness to be dependent on your presence. I'm not saying that I need you around to be happy - I'm just saying that the magnitude of my happiness would be so much greater if you were around. While you are away, I find myself wishing that I could share some of my experiences with you, wishing that you were there that night I made cupcakes with my roommates, when I watched the fireworks with our friends, when I look up at the stars at night. I didn't expect for you to have made such an impact on my life, but you have. I don't expect anything more from you than a few good years (though the way things are going right now, I'll be surprised if we make it through the holidays.) However, it doesn't mean that it cannot happen. The future is unpredictable and has the possibility of changing with ever second of the present.
We can fix this. If not for the future, do it for the memory. Because who wants to look back 5 or 10 years from now and note any time of misery or regret that they experienced?
Lets change it, ...before...
everything
f
a
l
l
s
apart.
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Patience, my dear child, is a virtue.
Date: Aug 7th, 2008 1:03:28 am - Subscribe
Mood: terrible
I hate waiting.
Well, no, I hate waiting with uncertainty. I hate waiting for someone to come and pick me up (or just to get here) without giving me a specific time. I hate waiting in ridiculously long lines not knowing how long it will take or how many more minutes or hours until I can go home and relax. I hate waiting to see how I did on a test.
I hate that feeling of anxiety -- of uncertainty. Of not knowing; not knowing if everything is or will be alright or not. The suspense is draining and often leaves me feeling empty and needing something.someone concrete. "Maybe if I can just touch someone, be in their embrace, maybe it'll go away. Maybe they'll keep me grounded and I won't feel helpless not knowing. Maybe they'll wait with me."
---The world is full of wait. We're constantly waiting. Waiting for a new day. The next semester. A new year. Another chance. A fresh start. It's impossible to escape the web of Wait. Since birth, we've been caught in it and it has done its job and we are surrounded by Wait.---
And I wait. I wait for my anchor. The object that will keep me from being caught in the undertow and pull me out to sea. I wait with uncertainty, not knowing when it will ever come and provide me with security, or if it will come at all. i wait.
will you ever come? will You change your mind?
I don't know how long I can hold on. You were right, it is hard to wait for something that you know may never happen. Especially if it's everything you've ever wanted.
But if it IS everything you want, it's worth the wait, right? Even if it may not happen? But who knows? It could. Waiting is a process built of uncertainty. And uncertainty means that there's a chance.
And a chance means a future.
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dot.dot.dot.
Date: Aug 2nd, 2008 2:43:19 am - Subscribe
Mood: helpless
I hate it when people fight. My parents especially. When they fight, not only does the darkness looms over their heads, it seems to engulf the whole house. The silence doesn't just come from us kids. It oozes out from the walls. It doesn't matter where you go; kitchen.bathroom.your own room even. It's inescapable. Quietness from all angles of the house except from the mouths of the two eldest members of the family. Shouts of the past.the present.the future. Threats of beatings and leavings. Chaos spills from their mouths. It's inescapable and unbearable. We speak nothing but silence.
Why do I even come back?
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What does betrayal mean
Date: Jul 18th, 2008 8:46:15 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Suicidal
BETRAYAL
2. to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling: to betray a trust.
3. to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to: to betray one's friends.
4. to reveal or disclose in violation of confidence: to betray a secret.
8. to seduce and desert.
(according to dictionary.com)
BETRAYAL, a form of deception or dismissal of prior presumptions, is the breaking or violation of a presumptive social contract (trust, or confidence) that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations or between individuals and organizations. (From Wikipedia).
It's straight forward enough right? If you've ever felt as if anyone you've trusted has ever let you down by deliberately doing something that they know would hurt you, then the word "betray" would be used and.or thought of as a fitting description. Betrayal is not a hard concept to wrap one's head around...
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qwerty keys
Date: Dec 6th, 2007 2:58:08 am - Subscribe
all that worrying for nothing. you just gotta not overthink stuff, let things happen naturally, let nature take its course, and soon, everything shall reveal itself and you'll find out how you truly feel.
i'm not hurt; in fact, i'm pretty content. it's interesting.
maybe the worrying prepared myself for the worse
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