no lies, just
Date: Jun 29th, 2008 7:32:38 pm - Subscribe
Mood: deserted
It took me around 11 years and 18347 mistakes before I came to realise. A tad too late but what the hell right
I said this before: that it would be beautiful because I hate my life now.
But how can I when this is beauty.
How can it not be beautiful when you redeem me.
My life isn't worth hating. Things are. I can't undo things. But I can not do things.
I heard this song today. It went like this:
and I sat watching a flower
as it was withering
I was embarrased by it's honesty
so I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face
not this fucking wreck
that's taken it's place
so please forgive what I have done
no you can't stay mad at the setting sun
cause we all get tired I mean eventually
and there's nothing left to do but sleep
It starts at the lowest. Then it goes up.
Comments: (2)
wolf blass
Date: Jun 22nd, 2008 1:08:37 pm - Subscribe
Mood: focused
When it's us, I have no complaints.
When it's not, I am strayed. I am damaged goods again.
When I know I am, temptation is all I know.
When I get lost in high, I remember you.
And when I don't know anything, I turn to forgetting everything.
Bottoms up Jamie Tang.
Comments: (0)
is all i see
Date: Jun 11th, 2008 6:17:59 pm - Subscribe
Mood: dead
I found 2 new songs that's going to be on my playlist for a while. Not trying to pull a SATC scene here but a song that works is a song that works right. It's been a while, and I forgot what it felt like to be immersed and swept up by the way a song can make me feel. I'm trying not to use the "carried away" line okay.
It actually changes my outlook in things for a while. If anything, it makes me believe that there's a bigger world out there for me other than the daily one I live in. I don't feel so hopeless about life. I honestly do feel so everyday. I just don't show it. Not even to my closest ones. I just don't think there's any point in saying anything and I don't mean it in a bitter way. Talking just doesn't cut it anymore.
Once upon a time, I felt okay about feeling this way. I used to feel secure and assured knowing that some things don't change and will always remain with me the way I imagine it will always be.
I must be very naive, because I was pretty damn sure those things will always be the same. Nevermind that they left, in more ways than one. I just kind of knew it would always be there, be it in memory or just as a name, a thought, and idea.
But certain things happen, some evitable, some by choice. And it was hard, when they faded away. It didn't hit me hard, because somewhere along the line, I became a kind of Jamie who didn't make a ruckus when something I wanted threatened with its departure. Whenever each of these precious things left, I just watched it go. It feels like I'm sitting there, watching it go, feeling my heart drop, but not saying or doing anything about it. My body collects dust while sitting there, my heart following suit.
Gone, no more. No goodbyes. Just an internal letter to myself, going "Okay, it's gone. Move on."
Move on, move on. My mantra. My grown-up mantra. My unnatural belief. My dying self. I don't need it back, I will move and amass more. No, I didn't I haven't. I lose. I lost.
If only those things knew how much it impacted me when they took a turn. If only I did something about it. If only I wasn't so cynical about doing something about it. If only I believed that outrageous crazy-hearted moves still makes a difference in today's world. I believe, I don't believe. Times like these, I confuse myself by letting some hopeful silly part of me out.
I'm glad, that all these emotions inside me, is contained in this little unpopular site on the world wide web. I'm glad, that they never got the chance to explode into a ruckus. I'm glad that they are entitled to be thrown all around the place in words. I'm glad that I face the days in my real daily world leaving all of them in places like this. I'm sad that I can be glad.
Somebody once said to me, that if no one was there to listen to my blabber about the dreams I have when I sleep, that I would be a "sad little Jamie."
When I think about it, I'm not sad that I don't get to blabber. I just don't think it's that important to me anymore. Or at least I tell myself so.
I picture how I am with everyone these days, these months, this year, and I know while everyone has seen me in my element, they have not gotten to this part of me at all.
This keeps me lonely. And while I don't like this feeling, I'll still keep it. I believe one day there will be someone whom I can give it to. It will be special then. It will be beautiful.
It will be beautiful. Because I hate my life now.
Comments: (1)
sing with mondialito
Date: May 29th, 2008 3:34:48 pm - Subscribe
Mood: selfish
I walked into every glass, in reach of something I really wanted.
I crashed each time, questioning if I was right.
I thought I had it, but I betrayed it.
In return, I've lost their trust.
I thought it was unfair. It was just retribution.
I thought again, no satisfaction.
When you cannot comprehend what you feel.
When you feel what you can't comprehend.
Comments: (3)
indulge, in a while
Date: May 5th, 2008 6:35:07 pm - Subscribe
Mood: dancy
Times like this I turn back to writing and put on a sad song. Indulging in the fleeting feeling of being truly sad. At most these days, I allow a tear or two. Openedly, I came home today wishing that I would see my dad's room door closed. Because that would mean my mom stayed over, and I really, really just wanted to crawl into bed next to her like the kid I was before, when you knew nothing except the fact that being next to someone you love will cure everything. So easily like that.
So tonight wasn't easy.
I still did what I had to do to go about my life. Iron my clothes for the next day. As I did, I sulked at this feeling that welled up and down inside me. It felt so bad that I wondered about all the people whom I love, who once felt this way and I wasn't there somehow to make the person feel better. Maybe I was asleep, maybe I was far away, maybe I couldn't be bothered better, but I wasn't there when he or she wished, hard like me tonight, that I was.
I felt bad. And I felt a sudden urge to write an apology letter to everyone of them, to say sorry for all the times they felt the way like I did tonight, but just wasn't there.
When I lost my phone over the weekend, I only messaged 2 people that I did. I wondered about the sheer small number of people I had to inform. It seemed like even if I was uncontactable from the face of this earth beginning tomorrow, it wouldn't have been realised until a while later, and when so, by very little people. Excuse me while I indulge in this belief and sing nobody loves me its true.
I wonder if I took the life out of work, and if work took the life out of me. I wonder if many others have it worse but aren't complaining. I wonder about the people who have it good and are complaining. And as I wonder I realise I still go back to indulging in my own misery. So there you go, self misery rocks. Big time. Although it hasn't for the longest time.
Inside my heart, a little voice begs me to reach out to somebody. I resist and I neglect the imploring. For it comes to a certain time when you know that you don't entertain little voices anymore. You know that when people know and tell you that. And from what I've heard in the latest news, I've lost quite a considerable amount of the little voice.
I constantly have doubts in my head, as much as I try to fight it and as much as I don't deny I have some semblance of success to show for having fought them before. But everyone who knows me, know I'm soft as cotton inside, and if you wanted to kill me, and if I allowed you to, you could, easily, tear me apart. Excuse me while I indulge in the idea that the world has historically made me the wuss I am today.
I don't think I ask for much. In fact, I've tried very hard to get to what I've become today. Sounds like a feat, but when I think about it topline, I can only see a couple of things left: I've lost a spark. I've lost myself. I used to love and hate that about myself. Funny, still can't decide.
If I dare, I just want to say this.
I want to say that I thought about you today, and I wondered how you felt in that new home. Or maybe you wouldn't call it a home, seeing how home is something you ran away from. I wondered if you felt this pang of loneliness and nothingness hit you when you put your head down. And even though I know it probably only took you 1 minute before you went off to sleep, I know you felt it hard and real. And I wished, that I and more of life could allow me to give someone important to me, you, the important time. I didn't. I'm sorry.
I want to say that you are the strongest person I've known in my life. And being so far away yet feeling from you shows how much you have given me to take away. I have no greater wish than for you to be happy in your grey years. I'm sorry for my lack of everything. I'm thankful you still manage to find the understanding to not be angry. I wish I could be more like you.
I want to say to you, hello and how are you. I want to repeat it a thousand times because your answer never satisfies me. Maybe I never really wanted to know how you are. I think all I really wanted to know have been answered in more ways than one. Perhaps that's why I keep asking these useless questions. I want to hear something which I've already heard before. I just need to constantly act like I never did to assure myself that we are beyond that answer. I leave this opened-ended, like how it's always been.
I want to say to you, thank you and a million more. No one else comes to me as dedicatedly as much as you have. In a way only known to myself, you have succeeded me in my expectations of people. To the point, I don't know what else to do but to continue saying thank you and a million more. To the point it becomes banal and awkward so I just say one. I hope you can see that despite my moments of difficulty and behaving like I am superwoman, I have already yielded myself to less of myself simply because you don't treat me like one. And each time I am the frail and delicate weakling, you are one time bigger a person to me. The more you let me be me, the more I want to be less me to save you from dealing with me. I want to better myself simply because you give me the better of yourself. You say it's easy because it's you. I say thank you, and a million more again.
Most of all, I want to say to you, take heart. Decide that you want something more than you fear it. Decide that a crash in your body, mind and heart can be a drop in the pond. Decide that no one else decides except yourself. Decide that when you stand in front of hurled stones and sticks tomorrow, you still have the task of saying those things to the people whom you havent had the chance to. Your life is not your own. You need to know that. And all you need to know now is that. Do what it takes to get there. Break yourself, hurt yourself, but get there. Cry. Sulk. Beat. Just get there.
At least for now, you're not doing any of the above. You're talking to me. And because you did, you'll be fine.
All it takes sometimes, to get up when you don't have a someone to crawl up into bed with, is to indulge.
Indulge, in a while.
In a while, that's all I need.
Comments: (3)
the last free friday
Date: Apr 13th, 2008 6:37:24 pm - Subscribe
Mood: angelic
Some things attract me and then the next day it actually seems repelling. Oh well.
Photos:
After so many 2.34ams, 2nd chances, reconciliations and great events, I'm still so easily fucked over by stupid french dreamy sounding Mondialitos and a dusty queen-sized bed.
Who ever said I lost the spark haha
Comments: (0)
of course
Date: Apr 13th, 2008 6:03:04 pm - Subscribe
Mood: ditsy
In my world, this has to stand alone in order for me to qualify it as real. Something must have rocked my world and turned it upside down because I've managed to find bits of it in different places.
One's real alright. It's real because I feel it.
It feels like a walk down the park on a
beautiful sunny day and all I can feel is warmth and content. It's a perfect picture of blue skies and green pasture and if you look close at it enough, you can see them.
But wait, something else feels real too. I know it is because I still react. It's a Where's Wally picture, and finding Wally just before you are about to flip the page to find Wally again. Disappointment in excitement.
Excitement in disappointment.
Hang on, there's this other thing which is real too. I know it is because it stands out. Like a withering lonely tree in a landscape of snow. It's a sad picture, but a pretty one which I can't take my eyes off from.
There should only be one.
Something must have rocked my world.
Comments: (0)
some devil
Date: Mar 26th, 2008 7:01:30 pm - Subscribe
Mood: delirious
So I tried to freeze time and make a decision: How should it feel?
So there you have in either of your hands -a choice to find all the reasons Today to feel shitty, and another choice to not find the reasons to be. Alternatively, there is the choice to find the reasons to feel joy too.
when the choice is obvious, you still find it hard to make it and action on it. It can't be about reason and rationale already then, can it.
So you think: Sometimes, you have a good reason, and yes you feel shitty. But sometimes, you don't, and you still do.
What's next in line then?
Life can pull the lousiest surprises on me sometimes.
I'm really tired
Comments: (0)
again and again
Date: Mar 23rd, 2008 7:09:42 am - Subscribe
Mood: offended
In the name of breakups, makeups and touchdowns, we went down to Butter (again) to ensure we all went down.
Most of us did. As for myself, I went down alright. My heels kinda just gave way and I fell on both my knees in front of zouk. 2 big bruises no less.
Well for the record I was one of the sane ones left that night. Jude as usual did a Copperfield disappearing act. More stories from that night, especially when we played I Have Never, but that remained at the table.
Photos:
Comments: (0)
like you he has one too
Date: Mar 20th, 2008 6:31:01 am - Subscribe
Mood: righteous
Just a few weeks ago it was June's Hen's night.
The mission: Complete The List
She scoured Butter like a predator, left no man at mercy.
A kind soul named Victor helped checked condoms off the list. This was after Juned practically asked every single male in the club. Doesn't anybody carry one?
Kiss me bitch.
Boxers? Underwear? Check.
Finally, after scaring all the men away, we found a sporting friend to take off his underwear, albeit rather raggedy, and waved it to the camera. Take one for the team!
The List is completed. So we resumed to club.
Almost a weekly affair. Almost.
I am affectionate. Like Jude says, that's one way to look at it. Ha ha.
Last week at Broken Social. It reminded me of some evangelistic christian worship fest when the dude went "On the count of 3, I want everyone to shout 'I AM ALIVE!!'"
He even jumped on the podium.
Seeing how Feist's collaboration song with them was such a big hit, everyone would naturally ask "Where's Feist?"
Even before we got to it, when the show was almost over, the dude went in a mocking tone: "Okay I know what all you guys are thinking. "Where's Feist? Where's Feist? Is she singing? Oh my god I love Feist!"
Bitter as it sounded, he played us Lover's Spit. Without The Feist of course.
More from Mosiac week.
Penny the pseudo pianist.
I heart The Bird and The Bee. -shrieks-
I'm on leave this week!
I went for a spa massage, compliments from Penny, a pedicure, a nice italian dinner, a swim, got a burn at that, a few jogs, read comics by the pool and I got myself a set of spanking new speakers. Woohoo I'm set.
I am completely loving this leave. I even have time to build domino chains after playing Jenga.
Went Ben & Jerrys at Dempsey in the noon yesterday. I realise true joy comes when you get to do things you'd never be able to on any normal working week day. I swear the joy of being out appreciates ten folds.
This is Penny doing autistic hand actions to Beyonce's "To The Left" song.
I shall leave this, with more of my leave to talk about.
Comments: (4)
flat
Date: Mar 3rd, 2008 6:48:37 pm - Subscribe
Mood: sly
It's easy to get discouraged.
"At the end of the day"s does it for me.
Comments: (0)
weekend crunch
Date: Feb 24th, 2008 9:01:15 am - Subscribe
Mood: paranoid
Adrenalin pumped week at work left me drained. I had to get it out of the system.
I headed down to Skin after my meeting ended near midnight. Jude's last day at Ogilvy. Us at Skin, where we were compensated a bottle of vodka because the waiter spilled a tray of drinks onto us:
Cheers to clumsy waiters!
Before the rest went bowling.
Tim's birthday where he revealed his happy drunk side, and Boon revealed his agro drunk side. I am the nice paparazzi who will not put up pictures of Boon hustling his friends.
A sober birthday celebration for Teem at Cherry avenue.
Look what birthdays do:
I have to go back office tonight to finish up some work. A week leads up to a great weekend which brings you down again. This is where I sing "back to life/ back to re-air-le-ty".
Till the next weekend, the launch and my long leave.
Comments: (0)
estefan sang
Date: Feb 20th, 2008 5:49:51 pm - Subscribe
Mood: done
Hope comes at the strangest times.
Like how it comes when you can't feel any worse.
Hope comes in the strangest forms.
Like how it does when something doesn't appear.
Hope comes with the strangest friend.
Like how it does when you wait.
Hope comes when there is nothing there.
Comments: (1)
two to tango, one to dream
Date: Feb 18th, 2008 4:19:01 pm - Subscribe
Mood: irked
I like quiet times like these when I get to spend hours to myself.
Seeing how my instinct is to always find company, ultimately being alone really lets another part of me out. And I wonder what I'm capable of if only I could just learn to be alone, for a long while.
It's like a good song, and how you enjoy every verse of it until it fades off to end, and when the silence kicks in, well, that's when I'm back to being me.
I am curious about the other me.
Comments: (0)
idiots and fools
Date: Feb 17th, 2008 6:04:14 am - Subscribe
Mood: delicious
Indochine on Friday night led to quite a spinning world at Butter Factory. Jude's brother in law found him sprawled outside the house on the floor with his hand still holding on to the change the taxi driver gave him while I found myself chasing after a persian cat outside Kee's house for a good few 10 minutes.
We spent $500 on drinks at Indochine! We could have just opened a bottle at Nick's house and spend $70 in total. Those Jaegerbombs were good though. The waiters there all pronounce it as Jay-ger bombs.
Comments: (0)
something saturdays
Date: Feb 16th, 2008 3:25:48 pm - Subscribe
Mood: mixed
85 words
This is quite a boring Saturday.
91 words
So I did this test twice.
92 words
Three times.
92 words
Until I was assured
96 words
That I'm fucking fast at typing.
102 words
I'm ranked 50318th out of 583394 people!
Comments: (1)
chu san
Date: Feb 10th, 2008 6:37:16 am - Subscribe
Mood: mean
Oh my god I just looked at the clock and it's 2.22pm (again!). I swear I'm not pantang lor. These things just keep happening.
Anyway.
The CNY break felt very long. Too long. Now I have to go back office to finish up some work due tomorrow. Ah crap.
Seesha and the most awesome Turkish coffee at Arab street. It's true that I can't smoke with bongs. I can never breathe in enough to inhale anything. I declare I have small lungs.
Trying to lomo with a digi:
Chu er at Boon's. Give us a house with comfortable sofas and seats and we'll still choose to loiter outside.
Last night - Above and Beyond. Not like it matters because I don't really go for special spings even though I do enjoy trance. It's just that at the back of my head I already know it means crowds and everytime I go Zouk I get reminded why I don't wanna go again. It's so fucking crowded and messy. I was telling Sam that people spend most of the time TRYING to club more than club itself.
Here are the clubbing parts, minus the behind-the-scene drama
oh and this is intense Justin at winning eleven. Look at them intense eyes.
Comments: (0)
gxfc
Date: Feb 6th, 2008 2:49:55 pm - Subscribe
Mood: gelatinous
I expected Chinese New Year to be the same as it was for the last couple of years: lifeless and lacklustre.
So it was a nice change when my uncle invited us over this year. Normally we would just pop over to our grandmother's place, have lunch and then leave. That few hours would be as Chinese New Year as it'll get.
But today showed more festivity and interaction. I won't go into the story of how everyone has drifted so far apart over the years but somehow this time seeing everyone made this CNY an improvement.
Lou ah!
You can hear my mom chu all the auspicious 4 worded chengyu.
Grandpapa Tang, Mama Tang and JamieTang.
Vain brother tang.
I like this photo of my mom and me. She kept on doing the peace sign and kept asking if she's pretty.
More to come. Gong xi fa cai in the meantime.
Comments: (0)
kitty
Date: Feb 2nd, 2008 10:04:14 am - Subscribe
Mood: broken-hearted
If cats could talk, they wouldn't.
- Nan Porter
There are two means of refuge from the misery of life - music and cats.
- Albert Schweitzer
The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.
- Doug Larson
There is something about the presence of a cat that seems to take the bite out of being alone.
- Louis J. Camuti
Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause most inconvenience.
- Pam Brown
Cats do care. For example they know instinctively what time we have to be at work in the morning and they wake us up twenty minutes before the alarm goes off.
- Michael Nelson
If there is one spot of sun spilling onto the floor, a cat will find it and soak it up.
- J.A. McIntosh
Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.
- Mary Bly
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
When you're used to hearing purring and suddenly it's gone, it's hard to silence the blaring sound of sadness.
- Missy Altijd
You cannot look at a sleeping cat and feel tense.
- Jane Pauley
She clawed her way into my heart and wouldn't let go.
- Missy Altijd
Even overweight, cats instinctively know the cardinal rule: when fat, arrange yourself in slim poses.
- John Weitz
If the claws didn't retract, cats would be like Velcro. -
Bruce Fogle
There has never been a cat
Who couldn't calm me down
By walking slowly
Past my chair.
- Rod McKuen
Comments: (2)
studio 88
Date: Feb 2nd, 2008 7:43:39 am - Subscribe
Mood: electric
Company's AGM on Thusday night at The Arena.
Theme being 70s Disco, we had some very interesting blast from the past: 70s nerds, track teams with high waisted shorts sucking lollipops, fembots with knee high boots, and our very own Adrian came dressed as a microwave oven.
1 day prior to the AGM, June recommended Bugis Village to get our 70s outfit at a steal. She also insisted that we should take photos at every junction of our entire adventure to show others that advertising people have a life.
June brought us wigs!
"Alright everybody take off those wigs and get back to work."
So the AEs somehow voluntarily landed ourselves with the ushering roles. When we were standing outside the office in our get up hailing for cabs, many drivers stared. For a while, I wonder if that was what it felt like to be working as a red light district girl.
When we were in the cab, I saw this guy behind the wheel, looking bored and half-asleep caught in the peak hour traffic jam, before he turned in our direction and did a double take with shocked wideopened eyes. That was quite funny.
Guess who.
Tourists actually came up to us asking if they could take a photo with us. I never felt so much like a prop in my life.
Anyway photos galore, pre-drunk and post drunk.
No further comments.
Comments: (4)
no time
Date: Jan 28th, 2008 5:48:02 pm - Subscribe
Mood: jazzed
So we, the Roller Girls, were briefed today. As ushers of this year's AGM, we will be donning neon pink feather boas, and blades, in place of skates (they couldnt secure skate rentals).
The assigned or rather, planned, outfit was fitting tshirt and short shorts, possibly in neon colour. Couple with blades, we may run a risk of looking like confused Hooter girls who strayed off from the work place and ended up in the middle of The Cannery carrying feather boas.
We may as well be moonlighting.
I intend to wear large JackieO sunglasses to hide as much of my identity.
Went down to some seesha place at Arab street tonight. Interesting conversations let down by my unintellectual mind aside, we topped off the night by finishing off at Blue Jazz. I like that place. I will go there
I realised I can no longer hold an academic conversation anymore. I could before, well, at least about the disciplines I used to study. When you've stopped studying and reading text, and start spend the bulk of your time working, you realise how distant you are from things you once used to have an interest in.
Sometimes I think it's a beautiful thing to understand the world more than what it shows in daily life. At the same time, I think it's only more beautiful to one with time. And time's luxury is no longer in abundance for me.
I feel like taking leave tomorrow. I'm worried about Papa Tang and Mama Tang.
Comments: (0)
when you conquer the world and let an idiot claim it
Date: Jan 27th, 2008 6:05:58 am - Subscribe
Mood: brave
T'was a good Saturday.
I got quite abit of work done and almost enjoyed myself since I had the whole office to myself to blast music. I'd never be able to do that on normal days plus without interruptions every freaking 5 minutes.
I even brought my lamp from home. Making myself too comfortable there methinks.
At night: De Ong, Kien and I went to catch Meza Virs. I'm not into black metal but I always enjoy watching them. The last recital was another black metal band from Taiwan. That was bizarre because they sung in Mandarin.
Meza's rendition of LoveSong.
The later part of the night felt surreal, watching the boys floundering around in Kee's pool. But it only felt surreal because Justin went to put on a Christian CD, and somehow when I was standing there above the pool, watching half of them play ball, half of them on the float, smoking and drinking beer, with the chorus of "Shine..Jesus Shine...", for a while I really couldn't believe that was happening.
Anyways, I have a busy day ahead. I should go.
Comments: (0)
war should have a plan
Date: Jan 20th, 2008 8:00:20 am - Subscribe
Mood: suspicious
TeKEEla, TorrTEElas, BoREEtos and MagaREEtas, at Iguana's yesterday, with lots of feigned mexican accent. Some classis moments include:
- Heaps of insult on my failure in getting a decent birthday cake for Grace. I bought it from Coffee Bean instead of Awfully Chocolate. Well, excuse me for not putting some atas thought into a slice of cake! What happened to good old fashioned days when it was all about the thought?!
- Jiamin's hysterical and high-pitched upheaval about my failure in running the birthdaycaketask she delegated to me. The volume control got so out of hand that I couldn't hear myself speak. I had to cover my ears and do a mime before she realised I was trying desperately to get my voice heard.
- Grace's segregation of people going to Heaven or Hell via Those Who Would Rather Eat Dessert and Those Who Would Rather Drink.
-Jiamin's continued molestation of Simon by covering up her crime with repeated I'm-Innocent demos of well, her crime.
- My uncommon outrage at the cockroach that landed on my head, at which I grabbed it with my bare hands thinking it was, okay I didn't know what I was thinking.
You can hear Claire in the background going "Blow! Blow! Hurry up, Blow!"
I wanted to put this up before but I forgot. The last time I went to Changi, I saw this poster up in the girl's toilet cubicles.
Good luck, Alex Tong Hong Da.
I took quite a number of shots of Kitty yesterday while he was sleeping on my bed.
I was trying to capture the sheer size of him.
Justin says "He is not a cat. He is a lump of fat with a head attached to it."
"..and 4 limbs."
These 4 shots has to be the cutest side of Kitty. I even made the picture a little bigger for viewing pleasure.
Today as I walked into the kitchen, I spotted something funny.
The last banana committed suicide.
Comments: (0)
piles over
Date: Jan 14th, 2008 4:46:24 pm - Subscribe
Mood: addicted
Someone whom I haven't spoke to for a long time messaged me today to ask if I'm lesbian. Apparently someone else told him that I am.
Gee, anyone who knows me know how much I love men.
Today I had a little epiphany. Not big, but enough.
Sometimes I'm as scared as I am excited. Let's get excited this year.
Comments: (4)
when i talk to the untalked
Date: Jan 8th, 2008 4:54:01 pm - Subscribe
Mood: demonic
It's the 8th day of the new year. I made quite a few resolutions. I used to write a whole declaration about them. Let's see how shutting up turns out.
One thing I regret about last year though, is having to look back and not really remembering much about it. No really, the only outstanding takeaway I have from it is just remembering how I was very new to this worklife thing and getting consumed by it. Nothing great happened. No milestone. No big events. No improvement. No crisis. I can cry just thinking about the blandness of it all.
So I started to think if life would really be that much of a greater deal if something big did happen, or if there was indeed a milestone, or if big events happened, or improvement was on a roll, or if a crisis blew me away and I figured any of the above will still pass on as a memory.
But if I had to lead life on such a plateau, I'm better off sleeping my life away really, and dreaming my awesome radical apocalyptic dreams. They were always more interesting anyway. But since I have no guts and glory, I can only lead some semblence of a more interesting life. It's hard to use the word "life". Dont you think it immediately sounds like you're talking about cliched cheesy stuffs.
Anyway. Anyhow. Pictures from the last 8 days.
My new year's eve. Photos resemble 2006's new year's eve alot. But done, it has to be.
My girls at Peaberry's. Peaberry's sound so nauseatingly cute. I shall call my girls peaberrys from now on.
Peaberry 1, peaberry 2, peaberry 3...
1am on a Friday, we went prawning, at which I caught 1 prawn. A few funny oneliners that night:
Zhirong: Fuck I'm not catching any. I think my hum lost its flavour.
Justin, upon seeing Zhirong yank his line out as if he really did get a bite (but didnt): Oh my god Zhirong. You just caught a hum!
Kien, passing the plate of hum: Eh you want some Topshell?
On Sunday, I managed to drive down part of the famous and amazing KPE, which wasn't that amazing after all, and had 3am breakfast at the airport. That was a treat.
I'm sorry to steal, but this song has become the flavour of the week. I remember for a while it was Emilie Simon, followed by Luxemburger Queen, then it was The Beep Beep Song, then it was The Bird and The Bee. Come to think of it, The Bird and The Bee was the only one that I didn't steal.
I can't find any official video for the song, but I like this version. Scenes from Velvet Goldmine, which made me feel this surge of sadness because of the tragic romance in the movie. Come to think of it, I can't remember if there was any in the show.
Besides, Jonathan Rhys is so hot.
Comments: (2)
receding
Date: Dec 30th, 2007 9:02:56 pm - Subscribe
Mood: amazed
The year will soon expire and in comes 2008. I remember during the 90s, feeling that any year beyond 2000 always sound very futuristic and space-age. I think the year 2010 will sound very sci-fi.
Anyway, I painted my room today.
I just spent a long time facebooking for the first time and it amuses me how I have this number of "friends" and there's not 1 fucking person who is either available for me to call out or I want to call out.
I took this video of my cat recently and after watching it, I realised the songs playing in the background made it seem so dramatic.
Presenting to you the cat that did its quick escape, only to be faced by a loss of identity. But it managed to live happily ever.
Just realised youtube makes the video darker so you can't see the expressions on my cat. Oh well, that was 1 minute of your life wasted.
Comments: (0)
ba babababa
Date: Dec 28th, 2007 12:38:07 pm - Subscribe
Mood: freaky
Music and alcohol. That's all I need. Is that so bad?
Comments: (2)
the bird and the bee
Date: Dec 27th, 2007 6:19:54 pm - Subscribe
Mood: recalcitrant
Yesterday: Vino Vino with the girls on Boxing Day.
Today: Mental reflection.
Tomorow: Written reflection.
Tonight: Obsession with The Bird and The Bee.
I can't wait to see them!
Sometimes I get so moved by how music exist in such form, that I almost wish I was music itself. Okay I know that sounds really stupid but at least I'm not one of those who wishes they were a bird because it's free and can fly and all that shit.
Comments: (3)
tanah merah where
Date: Dec 23rd, 2007 8:22:27 pm - Subscribe
Mood: resigned
Too lazy to talk. For once. Photos. Nah.
Boss opened his house on Sat. It was a swanky house. Bachelor's pad. I also want. I want his chandelier. It is my dream chandelier. It is EXACTLY how I've wished mine was. Except mine is from ikea, 1/5 the size of his, and of course not in the colour that I want. I didn't take a picture but it's this grand, gothic, anna sui looking grand chandelier with black jewels. Coincidentally, over dinner, a dragonfly was parked on one of the jewels. The chandelier is so beautiful, even the dragonfly looked beautiful on it. We all thought it was part of the chandelier. Fuck, cockroach also won't land on my rinky dinky 9 dollar chandlier. Okay I'm done griping about a chandelier.
I look like I'm chiding the little boy.
Met the girls later. It's been a good year since so many of us could make it.
They came from a retro-themed party, if you must question about the big white bow and printed dreses.
Today I met Penny. She got a nice present from Mama Peng. Which she made me pose with. She said "You look nice with the bag!"
Great! Can I have it.
And no entry is complete without a picture of Kitty. His name IS Kitty.
Here's Kitty. I'm giving him up for adoption because my dad says I can't even take care of myself. Valid enough. But sad. To think I'm working on SPCA's account.
Merry Christmas Kitty. I hope you find a better owner next year.
Comments: (1)
synchronized feet
Date: Dec 23rd, 2007 7:45:53 pm - Subscribe
Mood: festive
I just went on a major room-cleaning spree while Vicky was asleep. She woke up a few tiimes to see me dusting. The last time she woke up she saw me on my knees cleaning the floor with a cloth.
I think I scare my friends at times.
I looked through old videos I made and it made me think about this conversation I had with Bo.
I reminisce too much about times when I don't live enough in them. When I look back, all I know is whether I was sad, happy, angry or whatever.
Then when I look back, all those feelings get amplified.
I think to myself, maybe sometimes, I should just dwell in these moments and make a big deal out of it.
Just so I'll never make a big deal out of them again.
Too much time, too long a break, too far away from work, Christmas reflection? Whatever it is, it's making me think too much.
It's a blue christmas in town with the lights and all.
So it is with mine. All an orange glow, and blue.
Comments: (0)
kingsized spark
Date: Dec 18th, 2007 5:43:27 pm - Subscribe
Mood: infinite
Tomorrow is my last day at work. For the year at least. I'll be clearing leave starting Thursday. Woohoo.
I've learned alot this year, about work itself and people.
I've learned that competition is good not when it's between you and your colleague, but between you and a better you.
I've learned that it's okay to first spend some quiet time learning about the next time you'll speak.
I've learned that good things come in all shapes and sizes, and in 3M post-its.
I've learned that it takes less fear to come to love something more.
I've learned that priorities are only hard to fulfil when your heart is not in them.
I've learned that time away from something makes you realise the full potential of what you can feel and do about it when it's finally back.
I've learned that life, is still fair, sometimes.
I've learned that true self-assertion is literal. And exclusive to yourself.
And most of all, I've learned that the killing restlessness you feel is nothing compared to the peace you'll eventually find when you truly believe that in fact, restlessness has nothing to do with peace.
Learning is easy. Now comes the remembering bit and then the application bit.
Whoever said work is nothing like school.
Comments: (0)
mcq
Date: Dec 16th, 2007 5:39:51 pm - Subscribe
Mood: boisterous
Which way or the other?
The question that plagues my life so very often, but not that I'm very aware of anyway.
I never know which way to go first. And even before I bother finding out, there I am chasing the other way.
I think I have a short attention span. That's why all my projects are half done, half pursued after. There's always a million and one thing which catches my attention, and I go off in all directions in hope to catch them and make them all mine. But I never get the most of anything, naturally.
Tis a bad habit.
On another topic, I think I've moved along quite a bit. But sometimes I stall, when I can go further, mostly because a part of me still waits.
If I wait, will waiting be rewarded? Or will it make the insides wither.
Don't look at me like I'm an emo spaz just because I use the word wither. >(
I contradict and step on everyone's turf. But I just like doing whatever I do. Then again, that theory only applies when it's me who's doing it. Who can accept such absurdity!
My heart for something and committment to it never existed together.
Comments: (2)
almost lost it
Date: Dec 15th, 2007 12:19:44 pm - Subscribe
Mood: incomplete
I hardly put up photos anymore.
I lost my camera yesterday so here's in memory of my 5 year old Casio Xlim.
My first time at the CCAs, where we won best agency of the year. We brought home the gong and in the lift down from the ballroom, we kept sounding the gong, and some other agency people in the lift went "SHOW OFF!"
Sour grapes!
Also, yesterday was our office's Christmas Bazaar. I helped out at the beehoon stall and I never want to again because one hour of scooping noodles and dishes in heels is very tiring.
We also had a manicure stall for $10 a session. We earned a grand total of $62. 6 were made up of little girls (all the important people's daughters came and took a manicure). I think next year we shall hold a child care booth instead.
And the $2 was contributed by Ash who came in and said he had no money. So we decided to be nice and give him a full manicure anyway. By far the most difficult customer. He was like looking at the nail with a little smudge and went "What the fuck is this!?"
I handed the other hand to Ailine to do instead. Doing for 3 little girls and 1 big kid is more than enough.
We even had a satay man in the office! And a photo shoot booth, which June Ailine Char and I went to take. Our backdrop was a red carpet scene and we wore celebrity sunglasses and held microphones. But I wore a magician's cape. Go figure.
Some photos. June and I wore purple tops yesterday so we were purply siblings.
Later on we went to Skin at Red Dot Musuem. Boss got us a nice swanky room and we opened bottles and bottles and drank oodles and oodles. More people came and then it got nosier and hazier....
That was why by the later part of the night, I could only remember bits. I can't remember how we trooped down to Butter, and I can't remember how I got home. It's scary how I feel like I lose my memory when I drink but at the same time it's not true because when someone fills me in I actually do remember.
Like how when I woke up this morning, and I checked my last dialled. And I saw that I called Jiamei. And then memory flashback!
Because I saw Jiamei's name, I was reminded of her, and I was reminded that she offered to get Ko and the rest to send me home, and that's how I remember I went to town for a while for them to finish their lan game and thats how I got home because some of them stay near me.
But if I didn't see Jiamei's name, I would have no fucking idea how I got home.
I wonder what else I forgot but can rememeber.
Anyway, moving on. More photos from June's camera.
It was fun. But I hate it when I lose stuffs.
Here's my kitty, all fat and cute:
And this is my headbanging rocker cat.
And this is me, hiding behind my demonic looking cat.
I nomally feel christmassy during well, christmas. But I don't this year. I shall play some christmas songs now.
Comments: (1)
Damn you, Damnation
Date: Dec 13th, 2007 4:31:09 pm - Subscribe
Mood: thrilled
I've been coming a little home earlier these past few days so that I can at least see my dad. But I have to now bring my work home to do so I can leave earlier.
"Homework" never made more sense.
Comments: (0)
Do you want to be a Shenton Way Girl
Date: Dec 12th, 2007 7:02:28 pm - Subscribe
Mood: slutty
BANKING VS ADVERTISING
Ding ding ding!
R.....OUND 1 - Fight!
Penny: Damn tired today lah. Yesterday had to work damn late.
Me: What time you leave.
Penny: I left office at 8pm man.
Me: Fuck you.
R....OUND 2! - Fight!
Penny: Want to meet later?
Me: Yeah okay. Meet at 11pm?
Penny: That's way past my bedtime.
Me: Fuck you.
R...OUND 3 - Fight!
Penny: Tmr you free? I'm on half day.
Me: I'm on full day tmr.
Me: Plus OT.
Penny: Don't make me laugh. I'm supposed to be depressed.
Final Round - Fight!
(Penny calls me with her office line at 7pm)
Me: Hello. Eh how come you still in office?
Penny: Aiyah still got work to do
Me: Working late tonight huh?
Penny: Fuck you.
K.O!
Anyway I've come to accept the long hours of advertising. I don't mind working actually. It's more of the lack of time to do anything else that I'm displeased about. Give me 48 hours a day and 2 times the energy and I'll be satisfied.
Today, we had a town hall meeting and was addressed by our office head. He said there were 5 key issues in the company the board will be looking into and improve on:
1. Long working hours
2. Renumeration/Pay Rise/Bonus (Or the absence of it)
3. (Can't remember so...) Issue 3
4. Issue 4
5. Issue 5
I told Jac that it wouldn't be called Advertising anymore if we improved any of them.
That being said, I love my job.
Either that, or its the drawing near of my long leave that's making me feel VERY SUPERR DUPERR POSITIVE!
Yays and double yays. Many.
It's 3 am and I'm feeling zany or extremely tired. The mood auto-selected by my blog is "slutty". I shall keep it because I'm zany.
Comments: (0)
he goes where the sushi goes
Date: Dec 12th, 2007 6:41:36 pm - Subscribe
Mood: flabbergasted
This is the story to tell for today.
I left work rather early today at around 8 ish. Had a nice dinner at this Japanese restaurant near the area and just as I entered, I thought to myself "Hmm, the decor of this place reminds me of this other Jap restaurant at Vevocity, which also reminded me of the old Jap restaurant I used to work in."
My old boss of where I used to work, moved to Vevocity where I last bumped into him, and where I last thought that it reminded me alot of my old workplace. And viola, there is he again tonight.
He goes where the sushi goes.
And I go where the sushi goes.
Sushi brings people together.
I normally have more interesting stories.
Comments: (0)
CAT SAYS MAO ZHI DONG
Date: Dec 11th, 2007 2:51:20 pm - Subscribe
Mood: despondent
Now let's see. What have I got here.
A crackling speaker playing Le Veile Aumant on repeat.
A pretty messy table stacked with files and CDs. To think I had this thought to myself 11 months ago "Hmm my table is so bare."
A mini Cookie Monster on top of my monitor screen, given by Miss Sng.
Post-its stuck all over the sides of my screen.
A stack of "Things to do" in front of my keyboard.
Yup looks and sounds like the usual Tuesday night.
What's helping me plod on?
My supervisors, my directors, and the rare one or two real friends I made here.
I realise when what gets me down about work is feeling incompetent and stressed and overloaded. And I hardly feel better when I rant about it to my peers. But I do when I talk to my superiors. I feel like I know what to do after that and I gain some semblance of confidence.
Ranting is one thing.
Consulting is another.
This shows I've grown up, right?!
Well, seeing how I still blog to rant, a part of me will never grow up. Hah.
Okay my cab's here. He will bring me to my beer.
Yay!
Comments: (0)
i would rub the red furry hat of the soldier
Date: Dec 10th, 2007 5:48:29 pm - Subscribe
Mood: focused
For once in my life, I should learn how to deal with being normal. And by normal, I mean having to stop feeling restless just because I actually have time alone for myself.
I never have enough time to do anything meaningful actually, but no matter how busy I am, I will find the time to do things that distract me.
That being said, since I'm a working girl, and since I can't fly off to great Britain, here's my comfort highlight for tonight. Emilie, singing about how 1 or 2 sonnets reminded her.
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bandung, banshao
Date: Nov 17th, 2007 10:23:42 pm - Subscribe
Mood: terrified
Tonight we were at Kee's house watching cable, and we came upon FX, a bloke channel.
The program running was called Bikini Destination, which basically supposed to be about exotic locations but in actual fact, it was just a seemingly clever coverup and excuse to feature fucking big-boobed models in bikinis, sprawled across rocks, or rolling along the waves crashing on the shore, or coming out of the sea drops of water trickling down their cleavage and curves, with fucking cheesy stripping-scene-kind soundtracks. no less.
And there I was, sandwiched between Colin, Justin and Kien, and they kept on making comments that really made me feel like I'm an awkward, 13 year old, flat-chested girl who has a back brace and probably braces too.
I need my girlfriends. They're all with their other halfs. And where's my half?
See, that's the thing, I come as a whole.
IM FUCKING BORED. SAVE ME.
Comments: (2)
3 times before anything
Date: Nov 8th, 2007 4:41:33 pm - Subscribe
Mood: blasphemous
I got back on Sunday from the Kingdom of Thais. I brought back a few tops and a horrible virus that blew into a high fever. I must say that was the worst fever I had in a long time. It really caused my whole body to ache. In fact, I can't really imagine how that pain felt like anymore. Amazing what 1 or 2 pills can do to the pain.
I would upload photos but I'm lazy. I was never like that a while ago. I'd be so eager to upload and crop and do fancy things to them photos till the wee hours of the morning.
I don't feel eager to do anything now. I'm not very tired either. Lazy isn't the word. I think I'm in one of those comfortable moods where I'd rather things come find me than vice versa.
But of course lying on my bed with the laptop in front of me isn't going to cause any fireworks to start.
Tmr's a Friday already. It feels like I just got back from BKK. Well, technically I only have 2 days of work this week. Holidays, MCs and Leave rocks. Except when you have to go back to work and when you get high fevers.
Damn, I used to be able to write on so much shit on my life because I could bullshit.
Now I can't even do that.
Comments: (0)
hey mister im fine
Date: Oct 22nd, 2007 4:10:12 pm - Subscribe
Mood: surreal
Today was supposed to be an incredibly bad day. It was one. But it didn't feel like one.
Work was work. With all the shits and few redeeming factors. I kept my cool only because I knew for a fact if I allowed myself to get that bit emotional, I'd have broken down.
So I kept my cool. Even my traffic commented that I kept my cool today despite the mess that was everywhere.
FYI. No one likes working on the account that I'm handling. And it so happens that this week I'm the only one on this notorious account, handling 3 campaigns and expecting 2 more.
I can't say I hate work because it's the very work and people that takes my mind off other stuffs.
Anyway. It was Mr Rolex's visit to Singapore tonight. A and I ran late for a fancy schmany cocktail buffet thing at Raffles Hotel.
I didn't have shit loads of fun but I enjoyed the new environment.
I made a few phone calls later. And exhausted 2 and a half phone's worth of batteries.
My day ended with me holding back tears in a cab home while it poured.
When I got home, the old stray cat that used to follow me home, was there, hiding from the cold and the rain. It followed me up as I walked up.
All the way, I tried to shoo it away. I even resorted to walking up a few more flights of stairs to lure it away.
I like cats. I do. But the last time I let it follow me home, it had a showdown with my own cat who stood at the door when I opened it and hissed madly at the stray.
So tonight, in order to practise some damage control, I took out a few pieces of scrap paper and threw it down the stairs. The stray was cheated by me and it followed the scraps.
I quickly opened my door and shut myself in.
Sometimes, I feel like this stray cat.
No one is saying that they don't want you around. They just need to have things done a certain way. It's damage control. It's for the better. It just has to be done.
But in the end, it's still raining.
And this stray cat? Well, he's outside, in the cold, with the rain, wondering why once upon a time he was let in to a home and fed, and why now he's outside, in the cold, not knowing whether to wait another day or to never run up the stairs to be cheated again.
Goodnight.
Comments: (2)
lover's spit
Date: Oct 21st, 2007 6:14:07 pm - Subscribe
Mood: sad
you know it's time that we grow old and do some shit
I like it all that way
but look, all these people drinking lover's spit.
Comments: (0)
little demons
Date: Oct 7th, 2007 9:33:10 am - Subscribe
Mood: reclusive
I caught The Contender yesterday.
I lifted that pic from somewhere else but my main purpose wasn't to show a photo of muay tai but to get a picture of Sean Yummy Wright. But I couldn't get a flattering picture of him so I will put up the others that I saw.
They say that most of the Muay Tai fighters are drop outs from Hollywood who went out to become famous Muay Taiers. It's funny, because all of them sport the same mullet blonde-dyed hair cut and tattoos. No wonder someone's thinking of bleaching their hair blonde and getting a tattoo.
Well I don't think all of them look really hot or anything, but they do resemble a few actors..
sylvester Stallone?
Willem Dafoe?
I'm not one to leer over men's bodies. Really I'm not. But there's something about a fierce-looking guy who can fight that works for me.
So here,
I don't know who the hell he is but he's fierce.
Comments: (0)
same shit different day
Date: Oct 1st, 2007 6:13:03 pm - Subscribe
Mood: unstable
I wonder how many people still read my blog now, considering it does nothing but encapsulate the incessant rants of a very unsatisfied freshie in the working world. Like, get over it already.
Ah well. Let's get this over and done with quickly.
So today, was a bad day. So whats new right huh huh.
It wasn't just bad, it was one of the worse ones. I was really in a can't-be-fucked-about-anything kind of mood. And my stinky attitude leaked over to every thing I did. I hardly talked, I hardly found joy in my tasks, and it reflected all over in my face with a ghastly shade of pale.
I believe joy radiates to the surface. There was a time when I still had the pink in my cheeks, of which at least less than 50% was contributed by blush. I had the energy to think about other things besides my "miseries". Now whatever energy I have left from the day of work, I use it to think about work even more, and to bitch about it even more.
Work really isn't that bad. It isn't, if I had to accept the fact that everyone goes through the same things, even worse ones. I suppose it's just me, going against the tide that was never there when I grew accustomed to a rather sloppy and sheltered teenage life.
I think I'm still struggling with alot of internal conflicts of letting go. I struggled with the perfectionistic side of myself. It isn't even a side really. A major portion of my brain and form is dedicated and obsessed with perfection. And I can safely say that when things are no where near "perfect", I feel that everything is in shambles. They may not be. But they feel like it. And we all know how rotten a feeling it is when things are "in shambles" right? Right. (Another anal part of me, answering my own open-ended questions, just to pacify the anal me)
It's very tiring to teach one's self to function differently (ie. to let go off things), and its even more tiring to deal with the feeling of letting things go when you don't want to in the first place.
It feels like getting up even before you are already standing up ready to take a step. Sometimes I believe that everyone around me is already up and ready on their two feet, while I'm still kind of like stubbornly sitting on the floor with my legs crossed. Or am I just making a sweeping assumption? Or is everyone really like me, feeling sick of work, complaining abt little sleep, yet sleeping late, and complaining abt the lack of comfort and blaming it on my own friends because they are "the ones who are busy, not me".
When I talk to myself like that, I feel like I'm going even crazier. It feels like I have to talk to myself even before deriving comfort from anywhere else. The more I talk to myself, the more I drive myself crazy. Yet when I try to derive comfort from anywhere else, I disappoint myself because I havent talked to myself enough to stop faulting the world.
Gad. Help. I won't stop rambling.
It sucks this feeling. Maybe I should stop fighting everything so hard. Maybe I should just accept it that things have to suck sometimes. Maybe sometimes you can try and you can fail.
Life isn't perfect, not for the most of us anyway. And while many people can tell me that the grass always seem greener on the other side, it's also about time that I stop thinking "Oh yes, so let me stop bitching and believe that I am too, on the greener side" and start thinking that "Yes, and that still sucks, nonetheless".
Yes, things seem, but, nonetheless.
Nonetheless, goodnight.
Comments: (7)
add me baby
Date: Sep 26th, 2007 6:46:10 pm - Subscribe
Mood: preppy
Just some random stuffs. Which made or broke my day.
I caught Balls of Fury today, which sucked. Let's guess which is the next sport they will make a movie on.
In the midst of letting Adrian sign artworks, he gave me his unwanted little badge of The Shins, which featured a cute little poofy-haired face. I have placed it in my pass holder.
Eric sent me an email with a onscreen name "Tooth fairy". He introduced himself as my tooth fairy and wished my wisdomtooth-induced swollen gum well.
I rushed out of office, broke out in panic and sweat to catch bloody Balls of Fury, to only reach Plaza Sing when my movie was supposed to be at Cineleisure.
That's all.
You know, I don't wish to be a pattern, or rather, I don't wish to be the kind of person anymore who perpetuates the patterns I try to avoid.
But no matter how much different a place I am in, I find myself feeling the same. And because I know I am indeed in a different place, and yet I find myself inclining to a somewhat familiar behavior, I know that only some things in my life are that real. And worth my time.
Which is half comforting, half disconcerting.
I can't always keep holding on to something simply because I'm scared to deal with nothing. In the first place, I don't think that thing is something I want in the first place.
But before I get to releasing myself of it, I need to convince myself, some how, that it truly is something I can live without.
Well, I just learned something new about myself. I seem to amass things I don't really want but keep them anyway as if it's otherwise.
Too late for late night reflections.
Blah. Goodnight.
Comments: (1)
she spotted me from near
Date: Sep 24th, 2007 5:32:55 pm - Subscribe
Mood: salty
My wisdom tooth is up to its tricks again.
The birth of the left one happened about 5 years ago. Since then, it has grown a little and stopped in sporadic spurts.
Last year, it only came out to a full half.
Yesterday, it fought its way out of my gum again.
Today, I went home with a swollen left cheek. Well sort of. The soreness and pain in the cheek, jaw and head kind of makes your cheek feel more swollen than it really is.
I'm going to take an mc tomorrow if the pain persists.
But I'm mostly taking it because I don't want to walk around with a swollen cheek.
I'm rather vain.
This reminds me of the time in JC when I called in sick the day following my bad haircut.
Comments: (0)
not that i really do
Date: Sep 23rd, 2007 7:01:12 am - Subscribe
Mood: tenacious
One reason why I hate work is because it takes the life out of me.
But one thing I have to be thankful about it is that it taught me to never buy something that costs you more than what you can afford.
What I want may not be as valuable to me anymore because I always have leftover to keep myself safe. Maybe if you really want something, you just break your piggy bank savings and find it worth it that you spend every last single cent on it.
But I can't afford to be so lavish anymore.
It's always about contigency plans at work.
It works.
So why not
Comments: (2)
speechless when spoken to
Date: Sep 23rd, 2007 6:50:42 am - Subscribe
Mood: punchy
The height of all emotions is when they're unrequitted.
Comments: (0)
hoot hoot
Date: Sep 22nd, 2007 8:03:41 am - Subscribe
Mood: apologetic
So seemingly, I tried to make my life a little bit more interesting by dragging my feet to places in my worn out slippers even though a very closed up part of me just wants to nua at home, eat mee goreng and watch America's next top model (*sings* do ya wanna be on top?)
Anyway.
I caught Alec Empire on Thursday at DXO. I'm not a fan of "anti-establishment/underground/hardcore/wateveryoucallitaccordingtotheflyer" but he.is.hot!
Okay see I'm so shallow. I go out, try to experience new things and all I end up doing is oogle at cuties.
I JUST CALLED ALEXANDAR WILKE A CUTIE.
God I'm shallow.
Anyway.
Last night June and I, worn out by the week's events of crazy jobs and having stones thrown at us by every department, trooped down to Zouk where they were having a Durex event.
Honestly, I didn't find the celebrity wrestling match in spaghetti and lubricant very interesting. But I found the names funny.
Pair-ass Hilton VS Nicole Bitchy
Spandex Warrior VS Fat Bastard
Aaron Cock VS 5 Cent
My favourite was Spandex Warrior.
So anyhow, it was a fun night. I drank my first Around The World. Which sort of really caused my world to spin. But all in good fun.
That's all. It's saturday and I can't think of anymore productive things to do because I'm broke.
So till then, when I'm not carrying shillings around and have plans to conquer the world, I'll say so much.
Toodles.
Comments: (1)
satay sticks dont mix
Date: Sep 18th, 2007 6:49:15 pm - Subscribe
Mood: thrilled
Days have been quiet for me.
See what happens after a big bang of birthday celebrations. You get a lull period. An interim of waiting. A feeling like you're the unwanted plate of sushi on the conveyor belt.
See why I love birthdays so much.
I have yet to exclaim about my very exciting birthday presents.
Gift:
200 dollar Singtel voucher
With love from:
colleagues
Rationale:
Jamie is always broke.
She lost her phone.
Her current phone is in a sad state.
It is not even hers.
Gift:
Electric guitar with amps
With love from:
Neil
Rationale:
Jamie likes music.
She dreams of being a rockstar.
She is currently lacking the talent.
At least she can pretend to feel like one.
Gift:
Tiffany ring
With love from:
Arun
Rationale:
Jamie doesn't own a Tiffany anything.
She claims that Tiffany is a typical overrated girl present.
She secretly wishes for a blue box nonetheless.
Gift:
Home-cooked dinner
With love from:
Robin
Rationale:
Robin had great birthday plans for Jamie.
He came down with dengue fever.
Musters up last amount of energy to whip up food.
Gift:
Starbucks Tumbler
With love from:
Jiamei
Rationale:
Jiamei and Jamie had a conversation about washing office cups one day.
Jamie asks Jiamei why she bothers washing.
Jamie says she just refills her Ice Mountain mineral bottle everyday.
Jiamei comments its gross and unhygenic.
Jamie says she will break a mug if she owns one.
Jiamei decides to get her an unbreakable one.
I need some form of mini project in my life to give my life some semblance of ... a life.
This weekend, if possible, I will do something.
Okay not this weekend, I'm too broke.
NEXT weekend, I will do something.
And to assure and motivate myself, I will put up a picture of my project, work-in-progress or finished.
Let's see if I keep to my very flippant words.
Comments: (2)
rescue me from me
Date: Sep 15th, 2007 6:06:59 pm - Subscribe
Mood: controlled
I haven't had a moment to myself like that for a long time.
I feel like I should be doing something productive, like clean up my room, learn how to play a full song on my new guitar, finish up my mini-projects. You know, somewhat productive kind of stuffs.
But I ended up looking through videos on my com.
I realise I can spend hours just watching forgotten episodes of my life. I sit here immersed in nostalgia, and I grow older each second as I miss each memory so fucking much.
Since I started work, I create memories in days, not in phases. I look back on the past 8 months and there is nothing I think back fondly on. Nothing warms me inside. Not like how everything used to, even though there were shitty times.
I am very scared. Scared to believe that this is how it will be for the rest of my life. With no good reasons for memories to be created.
With nothing to look back because everything has begun to become stagnant.
Everyone's slowly settling in their little old world, with their people in their life. I am too, reluctantly in some intentional way. Because what other choice do I have but to make full use of the situation that I'm in now.
Can I really go out and grab life by its collar? Do I have choices now. Sure. Choices between already-chosen choices.
Photos I took less than a year ago, show a much more youthful me. It's already showing on my face.
I don't have a problem growing up, or working or having people come and go.
I have a problem with looking back on my past 9 months. And realising that even if I lost memory of its entirety, I wouldn't even think it's any bit of a loss.
There was nothing special about the time that had passed me.
Because there was never enough time.
I feel bitter. But more so, more tired to stay bitter.
I wish you a crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous trail, leading to the most amazing view.
May your mountains rise into the clouds.
Comments: (4)
happy national work day
Date: Aug 8th, 2007 2:26:52 pm - Subscribe
Mood: demonic
So I'm sitting in Wivi's office now, feeling slightly better that I'm not facing my own computer screen trying to sort out the gazillion media schedules which I havent had time to look at.
It's the eve of a holiday and at 10pm, everyone in my office was still around, finishing up their cost estimates, contact reports and timelines.
At least it's a holiday tomorrow, which means I was able to just throw work down and leave.
But. I'm going back office tomorrow to finish up my shit.
Happy National Work Day everyone.
To the rest of our lives slogging away for money to eat, drink and travel so we can continue working.
I shall end my gripe about work here.
Comments: (0)
you got away
Date: Aug 7th, 2007 5:28:03 pm - Subscribe
Mood: enraptured
It's hard to come to a satisfying answer when you ask yourself questions like "What now?"
Everyday I wonder where today will take me and whether I wasted my time thinking about it.
I realise embarking on something new just takes me a step further back when it fails. I probably am alot better off if I just maintained a stale life.
At least there's consistency. And there's assurance in consistency.
Get swept up by new exciting things and it lands you with a thud.
Drag yourself along the floor and you merely glide along.
I realise I'm never happy if both my heart/mind and body are at different places.
The two better are better off together in the same sad place than having one in a happier place.
Well. Misery loves company.
Comments: (1)
moved
Date: Jul 17th, 2007 4:37:16 pm - Subscribe
Mood: zesty
She did something to her face.
I know she did. For it was more than just a physical change. She had evil in her eyes.
I refrained from staring at the burning arch and pretended I was lost in my tasks.
But as I thought about how the evil showed up more and more on her face, the more I was certain.
That witches, too, grow old.
Comments: (0)
sit up stand down
Date: Jul 4th, 2007 3:49:52 pm - Subscribe
Mood: spectacular
Hello. It's been a while since I typed anything that's not work related. I wonder if anyone still reads this.
If I'm not typing emails, it's briefs, supp briefs, supp supp briefs, supp supp supp briefs.
Gad.
It's been a crazy week to say the least.
Of course I could write more about my life if it's not taken up by work more than half the time. And I would write more about my life if I didnt' have all these rants and bitching about work which are essentially the only things on my mind.
Okay fine, so to be fair, there are other things which I should give some time and thought to. However, when there are angry clients, overdue deadlines, antsy people to seek advice and seek help from every minute and hour, I just can't seem to find the few seconds of energy or time to think about... what I should or want to do.
All I think about these days is what I HAVE to do.
And if I don't settle the have to dos, then how can I ever know what I want to do or can do?
Well, thinking about thinking makes me tired.
It's almost midnight and I want to get the hell out of the office now.
Sigh. I need to go back to being a goldfish for a while this weekend.
Comments: (1)
no entry
Date: Jun 17th, 2007 8:46:35 am - Subscribe
Mood: inventive
got it.
Comments: (0)
not yours but mine
Date: May 17th, 2007 3:37:00 pm - Subscribe
Mood: suspicious
Is there a name for having a disorder? A disorder like, jumping from one thing to the next seeming like there is no real attachment to it? But behaving like you really do when you are still in that one spot?
I feel like I cant stick around with anything that is troublesome, makes me unhappy or doesnt make sense. Then I move on to something else. And when that thing sucks, I can go back to the other first thing which I thought sucked, but in comparison with the moment then, sucked less because something else sucked more.
Then I just move from spot to spot. Not knowing where I really wanna be. Not knowing if I stayed something worthwhile will happen.
I dont know where Im heading to or where I wanna head to. All I know is that when I choose to be at that one place, and when I'm there, I actually feel happy and contented. And I make everything around me believe that it's true.
Including myself.
So how long can I keep fooling myself?
Comments: (2)
warm me today filter in my room
Date: May 17th, 2007 2:54:51 pm - Subscribe
Mood: fickle
When you decide to be weak and let it go, others get away with it because the next day you're still getting on with life despite the heart wrench the night before.
When you decide to be hard and bite your lip and hold them back, others get away with it because the next day you still gotta get on with life, despite the pain the night before.
Despite the night before.
Comments: (1)
mind you mind me
Date: May 2nd, 2007 6:24:09 pm - Subscribe
Mood: encouraged
Excuse the last entry. Penny itchy fingers wrote it herself, and knocked over a tray full of ash while at it. And happily preened in front of my mirror as I bent over to clean up the mess.
On a gloomier side of things, I feel like more of a sad girl now that my dad's gone back.
I believe the main reason to my low days is because I've been so sheltered until now. I find self-pity in coming home to an empty house, going to work as a quiet little worker, and exhausting myself working to an ambition I know not of.
I wish to have a better idea of where I'm heading and where I want to head to. Aptly, my directors will be giving my appraisal tomorrow and as I sat in the office trying to fill up the "forms" of my "self development plans", I realise I have no fucking idea what I'm waking up everyday for.
Maybe for a whole load of obligations and have-to-becauses. But even if I had a choice otherwise, what would it be?
I obviously don't know what I want, in every aspect of my clueless existence. Sure I can find my priorities and I can try to set them right. Some day I will secure a better understanding of what I'm good at and what I'm forcing myself to become, but in the menatime, it's truly hard to find joy in things which come in invisible forms and things which come to you at the wrong time.
Half the time I'm comparing myself to the girl who has a boyfriend to keep her any other free time occupied and sweet, to the girl who spends her free days with her closely knitted family tree, to the girl who absolutely enjoys her gratifying job, to the girl who looks perfect thus she has a perfect life, to the girl who plays a mean game but hey at least she's having fun.
Half the time I cannot grasp the concept of finding comfort in a better day, or the concept of being patient when all there is to sucking each day like that up is having patience.
Patience is a good virtue to have when you know you're waiting for something that you want.
But with me? I don't know what the hell I want. And for the most of it, I'm just plain lonely because I know what I want yet I've wasted too much time daydreaming about it.
And for the other parts of it, I'm just plain lonely because I don't know what I want, and spend too much time on the things I think I do want.
Twice the encouragement, twice the let down.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
Comments: (5)
blotto?
Date: May 1st, 2007 9:03:02 am - Subscribe
Mood: blotto
penny is awesome.
Comments: (0)
because i mind
Date: Apr 26th, 2007 5:43:41 pm - Subscribe
Mood: peachy
Papa Tang is leaving this Saturday.
He is going back to China for about half a year. Funny, how I started to prioritise family time so much higher after I started work. But it was work itself which robbed me of time to spend with my dad.
So tonight I had stayed late to do my work. So tomorrow I can leave earlier. I hope.
I got home just now and I saw my dad and brother fiddling with their laptops. Apparently my dad bought my brother a hard drive and it couldnt work on the Mac.
My father started blaming himself for plugging the hard disk into his own Windows operated laptop first, and he thought he sort of caused the hard disk to not work and making it uncompatible for my brother's Mac.
So for an hour, all 3 of us were seated around the table with our laptops and trying all sorts of way to fix it.
Throughout the whole time, my dad looked really upset because the disk couldnt work. And at the end of it, he kept chiding himself for being itchy fingers and testing the hard disk on his own laptop first.
I told him that it wasnt his fault but he kept blaming himself. In fact he was so bugged and angry at himself that he started yelling. Then he banged the dishes while he was doing them.
That repeated for quite a while. Then my dad took out his home kit to test his high blood pressure haha.
Anyway he kept beating himself up over and over and over again and he looked so pained I felt bad. It wasnt even like he wasted the money because Im sure he can get a refund. But its the whole fact that he got so angry at himself for "making" the disk faulty.
It made me realise how careful and learning a man he is. I could be learn to be a little more of that.
On another note, here are some photos of the social side of my working life, though little.
I need to sleep soon so I wont go into details but here's pretty much the few times we had colleague-outings. and such.
AGM. Theme: Shanghai Royale. Thus the chingchong costumes.
Sarah's farewell dinner.
Inkbar thereafter, where our art director suggested drinking goggles. Except his version was to go "boop" instead of "bloooooop".
We also played a game that requires each person to come out with an adjective to describe your genitals. It has to start from A, and if you cant come up with anything else, you drink. And then we move on to B.
The guys will have to say "My penis is (insert adjective)."
The girls will have to say "My vagina is (insert adjective)."
Here are a few that came up that night:
My penis is anorexic.
My vagina is anal.
My penis is rotten.
My vagina is messy.
My penis is floppy.
My vagina is accomodating.
And the photo of the night:
Pacman.
Our CEO just sent out a mass mail saying that we are not allowed to represent ourselves as company staff in any way on online journals.
Thus, if you noticed, I don't mention names.
When you start working, you never really feel very private anymore, yet you've never felt so lonely either.
Comments: (0)
its aint a scene
Date: Apr 24th, 2007 5:03:54 pm -