is all i see
Date: Jun 11th, 2008 6:17:59 pm - Subscribe
Mood: dead
I found 2 new songs that's going to be on my playlist for a while. Not trying to pull a SATC scene here but a song that works is a song that works right. It's been a while, and I forgot what it felt like to be immersed and swept up by the way a song can make me feel. I'm trying not to use the "carried away" line okay.
It actually changes my outlook in things for a while. If anything, it makes me believe that there's a bigger world out there for me other than the daily one I live in. I don't feel so hopeless about life. I honestly do feel so everyday. I just don't show it. Not even to my closest ones. I just don't think there's any point in saying anything and I don't mean it in a bitter way. Talking just doesn't cut it anymore.
Once upon a time, I felt okay about feeling this way. I used to feel secure and assured knowing that some things don't change and will always remain with me the way I imagine it will always be.
I must be very naive, because I was pretty damn sure those things will always be the same. Nevermind that they left, in more ways than one. I just kind of knew it would always be there, be it in memory or just as a name, a thought, and idea.
But certain things happen, some evitable, some by choice. And it was hard, when they faded away. It didn't hit me hard, because somewhere along the line, I became a kind of Jamie who didn't make a ruckus when something I wanted threatened with its departure. Whenever each of these precious things left, I just watched it go. It feels like I'm sitting there, watching it go, feeling my heart drop, but not saying or doing anything about it. My body collects dust while sitting there, my heart following suit.
Gone, no more. No goodbyes. Just an internal letter to myself, going "Okay, it's gone. Move on."
Move on, move on. My mantra. My grown-up mantra. My unnatural belief. My dying self. I don't need it back, I will move and amass more. No, I didn't I haven't. I lose. I lost.
If only those things knew how much it impacted me when they took a turn. If only I did something about it. If only I wasn't so cynical about doing something about it. If only I believed that outrageous crazy-hearted moves still makes a difference in today's world. I believe, I don't believe. Times like these, I confuse myself by letting some hopeful silly part of me out.
I'm glad, that all these emotions inside me, is contained in this little unpopular site on the world wide web. I'm glad, that they never got the chance to explode into a ruckus. I'm glad that they are entitled to be thrown all around the place in words. I'm glad that I face the days in my real daily world leaving all of them in places like this. I'm sad that I can be glad.
Somebody once said to me, that if no one was there to listen to my blabber about the dreams I have when I sleep, that I would be a "sad little Jamie."
When I think about it, I'm not sad that I don't get to blabber. I just don't think it's that important to me anymore. Or at least I tell myself so.
I picture how I am with everyone these days, these months, this year, and I know while everyone has seen me in my element, they have not gotten to this part of me at all.
This keeps me lonely. And while I don't like this feeling, I'll still keep it. I believe one day there will be someone whom I can give it to. It will be special then. It will be beautiful.
It will be beautiful. Because I hate my life now.
Comments: (1)
peony - June 22nd, 2008 |
