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mind you mind me
Date: May 2nd, 2007 6:24:09 pm - Subscribe
Mood: encouraged


Excuse the last entry. Penny itchy fingers wrote it herself, and knocked over a tray full of ash while at it. And happily preened in front of my mirror as I bent over to clean up the mess.

On a gloomier side of things, I feel like more of a sad girl now that my dad's gone back.

I believe the main reason to my low days is because I've been so sheltered until now. I find self-pity in coming home to an empty house, going to work as a quiet little worker, and exhausting myself working to an ambition I know not of.

I wish to have a better idea of where I'm heading and where I want to head to. Aptly, my directors will be giving my appraisal tomorrow and as I sat in the office trying to fill up the "forms" of my "self development plans", I realise I have no fucking idea what I'm waking up everyday for.

Maybe for a whole load of obligations and have-to-becauses. But even if I had a choice otherwise, what would it be?

I obviously don't know what I want, in every aspect of my clueless existence. Sure I can find my priorities and I can try to set them right. Some day I will secure a better understanding of what I'm good at and what I'm forcing myself to become, but in the menatime, it's truly hard to find joy in things which come in invisible forms and things which come to you at the wrong time.

Half the time I'm comparing myself to the girl who has a boyfriend to keep her any other free time occupied and sweet, to the girl who spends her free days with her closely knitted family tree, to the girl who absolutely enjoys her gratifying job, to the girl who looks perfect thus she has a perfect life, to the girl who plays a mean game but hey at least she's having fun.

Half the time I cannot grasp the concept of finding comfort in a better day, or the concept of being patient when all there is to sucking each day like that up is having patience.

Patience is a good virtue to have when you know you're waiting for something that you want.

But with me? I don't know what the hell I want. And for the most of it, I'm just plain lonely because I know what I want yet I've wasted too much time daydreaming about it.

And for the other parts of it, I'm just plain lonely because I don't know what I want, and spend too much time on the things I think I do want.

Twice the encouragement, twice the let down.

Tomorrow will be a better day.


Comments: (5)

anonymous - May 05th, 2007 ive been trying to think of something to say in response to this post, something to relate to, something to debate with, but in the end, all i ended up doing was deleting and retyping. u remind me of someone in a train who i want to ask: are u ok? to but am too afraid to. so in the end, i can only hope u are okay. i dont think we can ever find ultimate happiness in this life, because if we did, then there would be no point of heaven.

anonymous - May 07th, 2007 haiyo jamie dear dont worry, you wont feel so lonely when I get back! You know why? Cause ill drag you out, we will find exciting things to do to fill up the in between hours after work and wont feel so choked up when we see others "having more fun" because we will have our fun yet again!!! so for now, chin up k! If theres no other driving motivator, let the cash be(for now) hehe.. and when dec comes we can make big plans!! hehee hugs jiamin

alixia - May 09th, 2007 hi anonymous, thanks. i dont know who u are but it was heartwarming. hey jia, no la.. its not like that. i end work so late, i have no where else to go after work but to go home. plus house is so empty. bleah. end work early also too tired to go out haha.. and cash! pls, haha... not alot at all but its ok la..thanks dear. will get by just gotta be patient.. =)

popsicle1 - May 11th, 2007 josh is back in singapore. go talk to him, he'll set you straight. or go play some dota. or come back here. choices are many many, just whether you want them or not.

alixia - May 16th, 2007 yeah but hes left already. anyway im straight la but if i dont emo on my blog wat else is there to write haha. i dunno how to play dota anymore. and the choices are limited trust me. everyones so busy . bleah.

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