same shit different day
Date: Oct 1st, 2007 6:13:03 pm - Subscribe
Mood: unstable
I wonder how many people still read my blog now, considering it does nothing but encapsulate the incessant rants of a very unsatisfied freshie in the working world. Like, get over it already.
Ah well. Let's get this over and done with quickly.
So today, was a bad day. So whats new right huh huh.
It wasn't just bad, it was one of the worse ones. I was really in a can't-be-fucked-about-anything kind of mood. And my stinky attitude leaked over to every thing I did. I hardly talked, I hardly found joy in my tasks, and it reflected all over in my face with a ghastly shade of pale.
I believe joy radiates to the surface. There was a time when I still had the pink in my cheeks, of which at least less than 50% was contributed by blush. I had the energy to think about other things besides my "miseries". Now whatever energy I have left from the day of work, I use it to think about work even more, and to bitch about it even more.
Work really isn't that bad. It isn't, if I had to accept the fact that everyone goes through the same things, even worse ones. I suppose it's just me, going against the tide that was never there when I grew accustomed to a rather sloppy and sheltered teenage life.
I think I'm still struggling with alot of internal conflicts of letting go. I struggled with the perfectionistic side of myself. It isn't even a side really. A major portion of my brain and form is dedicated and obsessed with perfection. And I can safely say that when things are no where near "perfect", I feel that everything is in shambles. They may not be. But they feel like it. And we all know how rotten a feeling it is when things are "in shambles" right? Right. (Another anal part of me, answering my own open-ended questions, just to pacify the anal me)
It's very tiring to teach one's self to function differently (ie. to let go off things), and its even more tiring to deal with the feeling of letting things go when you don't want to in the first place.
It feels like getting up even before you are already standing up ready to take a step. Sometimes I believe that everyone around me is already up and ready on their two feet, while I'm still kind of like stubbornly sitting on the floor with my legs crossed. Or am I just making a sweeping assumption? Or is everyone really like me, feeling sick of work, complaining abt little sleep, yet sleeping late, and complaining abt the lack of comfort and blaming it on my own friends because they are "the ones who are busy, not me".
When I talk to myself like that, I feel like I'm going even crazier. It feels like I have to talk to myself even before deriving comfort from anywhere else. The more I talk to myself, the more I drive myself crazy. Yet when I try to derive comfort from anywhere else, I disappoint myself because I havent talked to myself enough to stop faulting the world.
Gad. Help. I won't stop rambling.
It sucks this feeling. Maybe I should stop fighting everything so hard. Maybe I should just accept it that things have to suck sometimes. Maybe sometimes you can try and you can fail.
Life isn't perfect, not for the most of us anyway. And while many people can tell me that the grass always seem greener on the other side, it's also about time that I stop thinking "Oh yes, so let me stop bitching and believe that I am too, on the greener side" and start thinking that "Yes, and that still sucks, nonetheless".
Yes, things seem, but, nonetheless.
Nonetheless, goodnight.
Comments: (7)
anonymous - October 02nd, 2007 |
zenny - October 04th, 2007 |
alixia - October 04th, 2007 |
zenny - October 06th, 2007 |
alixia - October 06th, 2007 |
anonymous - October 07th, 2007 |
alixia - October 07th, 2007 |
