amnesiac's Blog

act normal?
Date: Dec 8th, 2004 8:12:32 pm - Subscribe
Mood: blank
Sounds: Sleater-Kinney

when katie eventually got up i acted like nothing happened last night. i really wish it hadn't. i've been attempting to act normal whilst avoiding having any sort of epic conversation with her.
we briefly made eye contact in the kitchen earlier and she gave me a wierd look, it was half anger and half... kind of desperation i suppose. the problem isn't that i'm sleeping with my housemate, or at least it isn't just that. the problem is that i dont actually like katie. in fact most of the time i fucking hate her. we have a hard enough timee living together normally without falling into bed with eachother every time we get too wasted.

last night was a classic example: we all went out for drinks, 'all of us' being katie, me and our other housemates micheal, dean & lee. everything was going ok and we were all getting pretty pissed, we mmet up with some other mates of ours and bought some pills off them. we all dropped at the same time and that was 'lift off'. as the night went on we drank more and had another couple of pills before all going back to jonny's house to chill out and have a smoke.

the more fucked i got the nicer i was being to katie and eventually we broke off from the group and started having some epic conversation about re-occuring dreams or some shit. things were getting pretty intense and there was alot of eye contact going on...... by this time i was completely wasted and starting to trip slightly. i found myself wanting to kiss her badly so i suggested that we go back and rejoin the guys in the other room. we did and by this time someone had turned up with some coke and beers. we alll had a couple of lines and i opened a can of beer but after that i things get a little hazy.

i can remember dean knocking over my beer on the carpet and jonny shouting at him, i was tripping hard so that kinda spun me out a bit.....

i remeber micheal warning me that me and katie were getting pretty touchy-feely again, and if i didn't want to end up doing somthing i'd regret in the morning that i should ease off..... in retrospect he was right, as usual.....

i remember dean puked at the end of the street as we walked home. i think micheal carried him the rest of the way.

after that i can remeber bits of being with katie in her room, we were both on another planet by then, as we underessed eachother it felt like she was giving me little electric shocks through her fingers. there were candles lit infront of her mirror and in that light i remember thinking how beautiful and feminine she looked, sso fucking pretty. the sex was good. it was kinda agressive, i like that about her. we fucked like animaals on drugs, which is all we really were......... when i came there was bliss for a few moments untill everything changed the way it always does. i looked around and evrything looked different. the soft light of the candles hhad changed and seemed to bleach everything and show all the imperfections and dirt on everything. my arms and legs ached and all i could taste in my mouth was cigarettes, like i'd swallowed an ashtray.

i looked down at katie and instead of seeing her glowing femininty and beauty all i could see were her bruises. her bruises, and her make-up smudged all over her face. instictively i kissed her and my lips felt like burnt paper, cracked and dry. as i lay beside her she cried, she always fucking cries.
i tried to comfort her as usual but my voice was as cracked as my lips felt. she asked me-
"am i ugly?"
always the same question. and from me always the same answer. i put my hand on her shoulder and said-
"ofcourse your not!"
i feel like such a fake. as i was speaking those words i was internally struggling to keep my hand on her shoulder, i was repulsed. repulsed by her and by myself.

i was thinking about her bruises. i was thinking about the how we hadn't used a condom. i was thinking about how much i wanted her to stop crying. i was thinking about how i wanted to not be there.......... about how i dont want to be this person anymore.
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