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Here am I beginning yet another journal. I would prefer this to be a place where I can speak without it affecting my life adversely - we shall see what follows. I am at a loss right now. After months of icy silence, Rosemary has suddenly sent me an email out of nowhere. It's nothing major - she wished to inform myself and my best friend Zara that she has an opportunity to attend a poetry reading. She wants to know if we are interested in giving some of our work to her so that she could try to get it published, as the reading is on the other side of the country and she has plans to visit there at that time. This would all sound perfectly plausible and innocent if it weren't that I already know Rosemary - or rather, if I hadn't found out the last time that I never truly knew her at all, even after more than a year. I distrust her, and this makes me wonder what her true intentions are. I doubt she'd do anything wrong concerning the poetry reading, but accepting her offer could easily get me tangled back into her web. On the other hand, I would like very much to trust her and to break the enmity between us. It would certainly take a weight off of my shoulders. I never wanted the drama of Not Speaking or Cold Shouldering in the first place. Then again, the drama of being Rosemary's friend or associate is even harder to bear. The lies, the veiled words, the tension of never knowing when her temper might strike, never knowing what she really means. And yet here I am, all caught up in confusion over her anyway. Rosemary strikes again. As a disclaimer to make myself feel less guilty, I have every right to go on endlessly about any subject here. This is my journal - meant not for being polite and correct or for barbed and hurtful comments aimed at others, but rather for releasing the things that I feel and think about. So I can complain as much as I need to. Thank you. On a happier note, Zara and I are going to Vancouver this month! We'll be staying with another best friend, Raidne, who lives there. I haven't seen her in just over two years, so it will be an awesome weekend. We have so many things to do together. I can't wait! I hope we can go to the beach and see the ocean (see the sea, ha ha). Anyway, I'm all excited about it. I believe that is all that I have to say that is of interest. I will return to write more once have edited my page, as I am led to believe is possible with Aeonity. |
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Today was weird. And not exactly the typical day-in-the-life variety of weirdness - more like parallel-universe, living-someone-else's-life plain bizzare. But very interesting. And it was all because I got my hair cut this weekend, or so it appears. I don't know. I've had the same haircut since about the seventh grade now, as I've been growing it out forever. But on Saturday I just decided to throw caution to the winds - er, not really. But it does look different. A lot of people said it looks really good on me. Pairing this together with the fact that my wardrobe has recently undergone a switch to more form-fitting clothes, I look considerably changed from the way I was last year. And people are noticing. I've never been one of those beautiful girls that no one can keep their eyes off of, like Guinevere (my other best friend who is just naturally gorgeous) but now, when I move - when I walk into a room or draw any attention to myself - I can feel eyes on me. Having just stepped from back-corner status and begun to make my presence known in the world, I find this very unnerving. There's this guy who I know, who is a friend, and he ate lunch with me and a group of my friends today. But then after lunch, my boyfriend alerted me to the probabilty that this guy was flirting with me. With me? As if! But the dude basically asked me what I'm going to do when my boyfriend graduates and goes off to university next year. What the hell? No one flirts with me. Ever. Except for my boyfriend, obviously. And then in my English class things got even weirder. We were assigned groups for a project, and I overheard this other group talking about me while we were all working. My friend was in that group, so I turned around and teased them a bit about discussing me and asked what they were saying and this one guy - who, I might add, I had the hugest crush on a few years ago - told me my hair looked good and asked what I'd done with it. That was when I knew I had entered the parallel universe. Suddenly people know who I am. Maybe it's because I speak out more than I used to, but maybe it isn't. Either way... I just can't get used to this. I hate the feeling of being watched. I want to not care what I look like again. I was happy with myself, and now I'm so conscious of my every move. And yet... and yet. I want their eyes. I want to be looked at. I want people to think I'm pretty and give me that attention. I want to - geez - I want to break the stereotype that girls who look good are all clique-ish and kind of self-absorbed. I want to be nice and... eye-catching. Honestly. If the girl I was last year could hear me right now, she'd probably want to die. What's going on with me? |