[don't] look at me.
Time: Sep 11th, 2006 6:32:40 pm - Subscribe
Feeling: good.
Feeling: watched, but strangely pleased.
Today was weird. And not exactly the typical day-in-the-life variety of weirdness - more like parallel-universe, living-someone-else's-life plain bizzare. But very interesting.
And it was all because I got my hair cut this weekend, or so it appears.
I don't know. I've had the same haircut since about the seventh grade now, as I've been growing it out forever. But on Saturday I just decided to throw caution to the winds - er, not really. But it does look different. A lot of people said it looks really good on me.
Pairing this together with the fact that my wardrobe has recently undergone a switch to more form-fitting clothes, I look considerably changed from the way I was last year.
And people are noticing. I've never been one of those beautiful girls that no one can keep their eyes off of, like Guinevere (my other best friend who is just naturally gorgeous) but now, when I move - when I walk into a room or draw any attention to myself - I can feel eyes on me.
Having just stepped from back-corner status and begun to make my presence known in the world, I find this very unnerving. There's this guy who I know, who is a friend, and he ate lunch with me and a group of my friends today. But then after lunch, my boyfriend alerted me to the probabilty that this guy was flirting with me.
With me? As if! But the dude basically asked me what I'm going to do when my boyfriend graduates and goes off to university next year. What the hell? No one flirts with me. Ever. Except for my boyfriend, obviously.
And then in my English class things got even weirder. We were assigned groups for a project, and I overheard this other group talking about me while we were all working. My friend was in that group, so I turned around and teased them a bit about discussing me and asked what they were saying and this one guy - who, I might add, I had the hugest crush on a few years ago - told me my hair looked good and asked what I'd done with it.
That was when I knew I had entered the parallel universe. Suddenly people know who I am. Maybe it's because I speak out more than I used to, but maybe it isn't. Either way...
I just can't get used to this. I hate the feeling of being watched. I want to not care what I look like again. I was happy with myself, and now I'm so conscious of my every move.
And yet... and yet. I want their eyes. I want to be looked at. I want people to think I'm pretty and give me that attention. I want to - geez - I want to break the stereotype that girls who look good are all clique-ish and kind of self-absorbed. I want to be nice and... eye-catching.
Honestly. If the girl I was last year could hear me right now, she'd probably want to die. What's going on with me?
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