Date: Apr 10th, 2005 6:12:19 pm - Subscribe
He texted message me. Still calling me babes. I feel so guilty for being in someone's else arms right now. My heart bleeds thinking about how he would feel if he was here. I can't look at him in the same way anymore. How I wish the past can be replayed once more. Just once. I would not have let him go. Leave me and the baby here. But there's nothing I can do now. I'm no longer his anymore. We're on opposite sides of the globe. However, I still believe our hearts are still tied together. No matter who I'm with. No matter how long the wait. No matter what it takes. I'll try my best to store this everlasting love within but now, all I need is a shoulder to lean on. I'm sorry.
My mind is set. I'm going to move on with life but still wait for him. This isn't fair for Adrian, I know. Let's see what happens with us, if things turn out right then maybe my idealism would fade. Now the baby part, I'm still deciding. I know I shouldn't. It's bad for me, especially knowing that my health isn't getting any better. Plus, I've been drinking. But I know how much he would love to have this baby. God, decide for me!!!
Date: Apr 8th, 2005 5:03:21 pm - Subscribe
I'm still in total shocked right now even though it happened this afternoon. I can't believe it. Is it true? He's playing with me right? I can go to his apartment now and still find him there?
He's gone. He left with his mom to Korea. Two days before my birthday, he's doing this to me. Three days before an exam which I haven't even studied for! I can't study now cause I'm crying rivers. What a jerk! He's leaving me here to deal with his baby alone! Why don't I just have it just to piss him off when he comes back. ARGH. I don't even know what the hell I'm thinking. I just can't believe he thought I've changed. He knows I still love him. He wants us to have his so called time off. Does he expect me to wait for him? I don't even know when the hell he's coming back. What kind of break does he need? What is he stressing over? NINA? She got her abortion. What's there to worry now? I can't believe he really thinks I'm lying about being pregnant when I told him that I am. How dumb can he be? It's so obvious now! I look like I'm two months pregnant! What if they're twins! OMG. I'm going crazy. I'm going to faint any minute.
Shit! argh.. I miss him already.. what am I going to do?? This always happens before exams!! I wanna hit someone right now! Someone kill me!
Date: Apr 5th, 2005 8:42:03 am - Subscribe
To my total surprise, he came back to me. Nina's pregnant and his family is going crazy about it. This is nothing compared to what I went through but all that they deserve finally reflected back on them. They should realize when they didn't accept me, there may not be anyone better and because they thought there's always better, they got this in return. Dumb Nina asked him to take in the kid. That made me laugh so hard inside. If he's that type of guy, I would have told him about Adrian and I, because the guilt is killing me. But I know what's going to happen if I tell him so it's better off unsaid. He's going to hate me. I can't go back to him with this guilt. So if I do decide to go back, I have to tell him and how he takes it, is what we're gonna move on with.
For some reason, I hesitated when he asked for me back. Adrian was the first thing that came to mind. I don't want him to think that I was using him as a replacement. I didn't. I was lonely but I would never go that far with a stranger because of loneliness. Whatever it is, seo didn't give me the feeling I've been waiting for. Every night, I cry myself to sleep, hoping that he would turn back one day but now that he did, it's not the feeling that I've been searching for. I wanted him to come back and tell me that everything had ended. His family isn't gonna run his life. I don't want to fall back into that mess. My family isn't going to be too happy about it either. It's already enough of a disgrace. Lonely nights are hard to go through but it has almost been a month, I didn't die right?
Okay, maybe I should stick with what I have now. I'm not going to be complete with him anyway. I still need to grow up. We'll see. Maybe he'll say something nice to change my mind. I doubt it. He can't talk.
Moving on part 2
Date: Mar 30th, 2005 11:34:48 pm - Subscribe
He finally took over my mind. Never knew how powerful one night can be. I wonder why I'm still hanging on to this guy when I clearly know that if the other guy comes back to me, no one would be able to make me stay. But then again, he's not going to come back for me. He wasn't even able to say it this time. I'm going to take the test after exams, if the result is positive, I don't even know what I'm going to do. It's so easy getting pregnant with his baby but it's so hard keeping it.
Anyway, going back to Adrian, the sweetest talker ever! I can't get his words out of my head. When I told him that I thought he wasn't gonna call again. This was what he said "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I didn't know that was going to make you feel insecure. I partied all day and slept till now, didn't have a chance to call you but I was really happy. I've never been this happy in a long time. You accepted me. You know, when I saw you a couple of weeks ago with the down face, I wanted to cry with you but for you had to stay strong. Who else would comfort you if I break down too? It hurted me so much. I've never had a girlfriend before. I don't know how to be a boyfriend to someone. I want to be the best boyfriend to you. I'm sorry. I'll work on it". I felt the sincerity when he said that but all I can say is "since when were we dating?" to loosen up the seriousness. He thought we were together after that night. If I was anymore naive I would think that too. it's not something that I would share with someone I don't love but I did. I just couldn't control the lust between us. I've never forgotten any night spend with Seo because they shaped our history, they built our love and they contain our memories. Just like those nights, that night cannot be forgotten. There was no love but there was affection, lust, care and a potential future. I hate to think that I might have walked towards a road where I'm falling for someone new but seems like it's happening. I'm giving this opportunity a chance. My birthday is coming up, and he has to guess the correct date before it passes to win me as a girlfriend. Hard enough for fate to decide. Easy enough to give him a chance and maybe give myself a chance. That's fair, isn't it?
I often still think of seo. After mentioning my birthday; last year's birthday was the best one ever. His words may not be as sweet but his thought and love filled my heart. Since that night, I knew I found someone who can truly love me and would do anything beyond the norm to impress me. His courage is so admirable. This year, I'd have to spend it alone, without his love, without his blessings, without his thoughts, and without him....
Date: Mar 29th, 2005 1:12:32 am - Subscribe
Moving on is the hardest thing to do. Along this path, will come the feeling of loneliness, despairity, confusion, heart breaks, etc. I'm walking along this path right now. I can't help but to always turn my head back. Five years of my life, how can it be erased so quickly? I've once thought I was moving on, the feeling wasn't great. I felt like shit. I felt like a whore. If I was able to move on so quick, how deep were those vows? I loved him while I was with him. I thought I would always love him without him. Isn't this the case? I need to move on but I want to dwell on this man. But when it comes to quiet and chilly night, I don't want to spend it alone. This is where Adrian comes in. I've never wanted Adrian to be a replacement of him, but in terms of intimacy, it is. I'm weakest at this point, I give into anything. I think Adrian knows this too, that's why he hasn't given up. He feels sorry for me when I'm crying, but off the tears, I'm just every other girl.
Last night was Adrian's birthday, I had the most unexpect night with him. i would have never thought I would spend that night trying to make things special for him. He drove me to Rabba's and picked up a cake. Then went to his house to "celebrate". That was the dumbest move ever! Think you can ever walk into a guy's house, not doing anything with him and walk back out "clean"? That never happens. Nevertheless, it was my choice. No excuses. I wasn't drunk, drugged nor sick. The things he said sounded so sincere but of course, I couldn't tell. I fell for them. It's too late. I'm tainted.
A lot of times, I do want to cheat myself that Adrian meant what he says but let's be realistic, who would fall head over heels for me? It may have been a long chase, but thinking that I'm pure may be worthwhile. I hate to think of him like this, considering the things he said to me. I think it's meant to be, I'm meant to win Mary over love. Because from both guys, I've gotten more love than her. Even though Adrian may not be fully into me, there was a point last night that I'll never forget; when he hugged me and said I'm the most "hor leen" girl he ever met and that he wants to protect me. When he said that it made me think of all the times, he was there for me. He didn't care whether he would get physically hurt from aiding me with my stupid plans. I even hurt him emotionally but he was always by my side. He pushed me to the person I love but what about him? It takes love to take that big step. Considering these things, is he worthwhile? But then again, he hasn't called all day, I might just be another Mary.
Sometimes, I feel that I have feelings for Adrian but most of the time, it's just lust. We've gone beyond morals but still, there is no depth feeling. What do I expect? The chase is gone. He got what he wanted and now he's gone, just like every other guy. The words he said were nice and sweet but off the bed, they might mean nothing to him.
I feel pregnant, maybe I'm just paranoid but I do. What am I going to do if I am? I can't even look at the father again. I'm such a whore. When words goes around later on, I'm pretty sure he doesn't even want to see me again. I keep getting "I miss you" text msgs, I think it's him. I miss him. Even though, I've been physically away from him, I felt that he never left me. Sometimes, I even lie to myself that he's in Waterloo and he'll come back to visit me one night. That'll never happen. I know who I love and the one I love is still him. My heart hasn't changed its direction but the lust for him have. No matter what I do with someone else, at the end, I still think of him or even mistake others for him.
I can't say I completely regret giving into Adrian because it was gonna happen. I just didn't know the feeling would be this horrible. I cried right after. I can't control what I'm doing now. I do stuff for the moment and not the future. I don't feel like a girl. I'm so not faithful.
Currently, I'm thinking of how stupid I am to give in. Sweet words can easily be said but action speaks louder than words. Where is he now? I feel so dumb. I can't accept the fact that I'm another Mary. I can't be as dumb as she is but I AM!
To answer to why I do stupidness now is that I don't care anymore. I was too proper before and got nothing but people calling me whore and calling for service. Living such a standard life is too much. I have to loosen up. When would I start caring again?
He finally called. Thought he would never call again. Tears came shedding when I heard his voice. Have I fallen for this guy? After one night? What is this? It has to be lust. Nevertheless, his call did secure me from all those thoughts. He just woke up from a wasted night. This birthday boy gets drunk so easily lately. He's telling me not to think of stupidness and that he's not playing me. He said he won't do anything to hurt me. Sounds okay. Should I believe him? Well, if he can still call me after all that, he probably never planned to get rid of me asap. I'm probably not Mary. But still my guards need to be up. He's too mysterious. I wonder what kind of guy he is. Before actually being in his room, thought he would be a guy who has condoms laying around where you can just stretch into a drawer a pick up one when you needed but no. He had none in his living presence. Reminded me of seo. He never really kept any until we needed them. Then, I had so much faith in guys but why? It could be just a front. If he can sleep with Mary and walk off, why can't he do that to you? If the other can date Mary and say that he has no feelings for her, why can't he do that to you? Wake up Annie! Don't dwell. Move on!
Date: Mar 19th, 2005 4:20:05 pm - Subscribe
No matter how hard I tried to move on I can't. It's killing me. I don't want to dwell on him but I can't find a reason not to. I love him so much that no matter how much I curse, it doesn't come from the heart. I didn't believed that he was cold hearted enough to leave at the hardest times of my life, even how much he tried to show it. It kills me not knowing why he really left me. But the questions were all answered last night.
After having dinner with Adrian we chilled for a bit. Somehow the atmosphere allowed us to have so intimacy but it was all physical. I didn't know what I was doing to myself. I'm just so confused about my feelings towards him at the moment. I felt sorry so I did whatever I could to return his sincerity. However, that didn't go too far, he sensed that I wasn't happy. He said "You're right. I sensed wrong. The feeling isn't the same as last weekend. When I held you last time, I felt that you were mine even though you restraint yourself from going too far with me but now, even how loose you are, I don't feel the same. I can't sense that feeling from you anymore. I have you physically but I don't have you mentally or emotionally. You're not happy and that's all I'm able to sense. It hurts me seeing you like this". I tried comforting him but that didn't go too far. The feeling I have for him didn't change, it was just never the feeling of love. It was lust and affection.
He later drove me to mississauga where seo lives. He told me to go up and confront seo. I was more than shocked when I heard that. Even though he said he'll let me go, his eyes betrayed him. He was hurt. But I admire him. It takes a big person to let someone go and he could do that. I don't know how I can return his love. I hugged him to settle down his feeling cause I know that he's more hurt than I am.
When we broke off the hug, we saw seo walking into the building. He must have saw. Adrian quickly got out of the car and told him that we're nothing, don't mistaken us. He kept walking. I then spoke up and said "I don't mean for this to hurt you. It's not a set up". He finally turned around and said "it didn't hurt cause i don't care". We exchanged eye contact for a good moment. Even though the words were sharp, his eyes showed a warm feeling. I couldn't help it but run up to hug him. I spilled out everything. I told him I miss him, I love him, I need him, anything that I can possibly think of. But he could say is "Annie, move on." I held him tighter, not wanting to let go and I felt him hugging me back. He was like "After all that I've done to you, why do you still love me? I treated you so bad. There's someone else next to you who can treat you a million times better". I cried hard "But all I want is you. I only love you". He then said "It's time to move on Annie, I don't deserve to be dwelled on. He really likes you. I can tell. A drunk person would only speak of the person they like or hate most. You never left his mind when he was drunk. Move on with him. You'll be happier". I asked "You'll be happy for when I move on?". He answered "Yes, I will". I immediately returned "you don't love me anymore? you used to say that you won't be happy for me, seeing me with another guy because you said I would only be happy with you. what happened? You don't love me?". At this point, I could feel him crying with me. But he bit his lips, standing strong and said "I can't love you. Just move on without me. I'll be happy for you if I don't see it or hear it. Don't miss out on this opportunity. They don't always come". I then broke off the hug and asked "will you move on?". I looked into his tearing eyes and let my tears fall. He nodded and pulled me into his arms, embracing tightly. He mumbled a few times "I miss you. I'll miss you. I'll always love you but I'll move on". I then said "then please not let me see it, my heart is to fragile. I won't be able to take it. Promise me, stay out of my life. Ignore my friends. Ignore what people tell you. Pretend that I never existed". Him: "then take it as I never existed either. the past 5 years was just a dream and nothing more but a nightmare". We separated and stepped away from each other.
Me: Thanks for once lying to me. The love between can never be measured because till this date, we can't tell each other who loves who more.
Him: It's not important anymore because we both know that what we contributed we've gotten it back. No win. No lose.
Me: That's right.
Him: Let's move on from here. (I moved backwards, step by step)
Me: No more phone calls, no more text msgs, no more emails, no more dates, no more msn chats
After that I turned around and walked towards Adrian who I totally felt sorry for. He had to witness such scene and be stuck between guilty and his feelings. My body felt so light as I was walking as if my soul left my body. I almost collapsed in front of Adrian but he came just in time to hold me. I felt seo motioning towards us but to be waved away by Adrian.
After driving off from that building, Adrian kept driving around the city. The nightlife is beautiful but I wasn't in the mood to enjoy it. It didn't make me feel better know the world could be really big.
When Adrian dropped me home, I apologized and thanked him. Apologized for having him witness such scene and leading him on. Thanked him for being such a gentlemen, comforting me.
By his feedback, I could already tell that he's going to give me sometime to work things out on my own before approaching me again. Whether he's going to wait for me is still unknown but all I know is that, it's going to take me a long time to move on.
I've never loved someone this much and never seen someone love their bf this much. Even Trang could tell that my love for Seo is stronger than Michelle's love for Danny.
I can't stop crying right now. My eyes are swollen and burning red. I miss him.
Argh.. this entry sucks.. was supposed to be posted long time ago.. it sounded better then.
Date: Mar 15th, 2005 10:15:48 pm - Subscribe
This week's been a horrible week for my family. TWO car accidents in less than a week. How bad can life get? Anyway, it already happened. I'm getting over it. Not gonna get into that.
On top of the accidents, I had exams to worry about. It was hectic. Nothing was working right on Saturday and I just wanted a relaxing night, so I decided to go out with my friends. I dragged Christina along. When she heard the word 'dance', she went all crazy. This girl spent 3 hours in front of the mirror!! Oh god. I thought I was extreme but ha! there's always worse! Christina is a cool Korean chick, why didn't I meet her earlier? I'm too old to be as wild as her now.. lol. If only I had met her in high school, she would rock the dances! haha
Anyway, well, my friends got me drinking that night. I was drunk after a few shots but then Christina kept persuading me to drink more saying that there's not much alcohol in the drinks. Stupid me, listened to her. But if she hadn't gotten me drunk, I wouldn't have gone out to the dance floor. I haven't dance in ages so let's not talk about dirty dancing. oh god! >.<
Guys were so perverted there! Every 30 secs guys would come up and grind behind you! Glaring at them is not enough. Chris and I had to change positions all the time. Some crazy guy even pulled on to her and fully cuffed her arm without a motive. It was such a polariod moment. Christina was so jokes. Some other dumbass even tried to offer me a drink that was clearly in his hands. Do I look that stupid? hmph! After a few songs, the song "lose my breath" came on, just as Christina and I were having the best time ever, a pair of perv hands wrapped around my waist! To my surprise, Christina turned around and started dancing somewhere else. I was like "what the hell? Traiter!". I tried to break out of the guy's arms but I couldn't and was struggling. He even pulled me closer to him and my back was fully against his chest as he was moving me to the music. He then leaned over and said "It's me. Adrian. Relax. Dance with me baby". We somehow just started dancing. He was such a perv. There isn't a touchable part of my body that he didn't went for. sighs. guys are guys. As we were dancing he was also dirty talking to me. I can't believe I danced with him. I never danced like that before. sighs. We danced for a while and when the song "turning me on" came on, he started reacting weirdly, as if he was really getting turned on. >.< In the middle of the song, he suddenly pulled me off the dance floor. I didn't even know what was going on, I just had to follow cause he was pulling me. We ended up in some hallway-like place where there was no one and pinned me against the wall. I couldn't help it but started giggling when I looked at him. His face was red from the dancing. I could even feel his breathing. We started giggling more like crazy drunks. He started touching me inappropriately while dirty talking and his face was only an inch from me. I don't know why I didn't stop him. Noticing that he was trying to kiss me, I turned my face and smiled, teasing him. He ended up kissing my cheek so he brought up his huge hand and held my face back towards him. His lips made its way to mine again when suddenly my phone vibrated and he was only able to brush my lips as I went for my phone. It was a text message from that jerk. "don't do anything stupid. i still love you. look at the person in front of you, you'll regret" I read it quickly without knowing why he sent me that message. The only part which I really digested was the "I still love you" part. Before I could even think twice about it, Adrian snapped my phone closed and tucked it in his pocket. He then pulled me closer to him and lifted my chin up for the kiss. His hands started moving again; from my chin, to my shoulders and then slowly rubbing downwards. Yes, he touched my breasts and all I did was grabbed his hand but didn't pull it away. I started responding when I felt his tongue and wrapped my arms around him. but argh Stupid guy! My shirt was already pretty much see-through and you can see my bra, why would he go for the buttons! That I just had to stop him! Couldn't let him undo me in such place! His lips made its way off my mouth to my neck, then my shoulders and I think he wanted to go lower to my breasts but I lifted his head up. He looked at me and smile, then asked "wanna come to my house tonight?". I smiled at him and kissed him quickly. Then I took his hand and dragged him out, said "let's dance". He must have been disappointed, but hey at least I still wanted to dance with him after all that. I can't believe I did that. First time making out with a non-bf and dirty dancing with a guy. What was I thinking?
I never regretted it though. I can't say I didn't have any feelings while kissing him. The heart beating feeling was there but the feeling still had no depth. I still had another person in my heart, there's no space for a new one. Just when we headed back into the lounge, ten thousands eyes were on us except Christina who was on the couch with her head down. My gbro glared at Adrian and I. I then noticed that that jerk was there. The message makes sense now. They were watching us - watched us leave and waited for us to come back. He pretended not to look at me but his face couldn't hide the anger. Suddenly a slow song came on and I pulled Adrian onto the dance floor. I hugged him tightly as if he was here to secure me from all the harsh feelings and the ten thousand eyes. But right when my eyes met that jerk's, I felt a dart thru my heart. I felt as if I was hurting him. I was hugging another guy when my heart belonged to him. I looked up at the guy who I was hugging, his sweet smile couldn't hide how happy he was. Even though, the feeling of being in a guy's arms was there, there was again no depth and no sense of security. I was hurting myself, him and the person I love.
When the night wrapped up, we all stood in a group. Christina was obviously taken care of by her bf. That girl! She was pretending to be wasted! Anyway, she was screaming like a crazy chick! "Take annie too! take annie too!" she said that 10 thousand times to her bf. Adrian took action instead and hugged me, claiming his property but my gbro punked him off. So Christina, Seung and Adrian ended up leaving together. My gbro took me and that jerk who was also pretending to be drunk! I ended up walking myself into his flat, I don't know why I didn't know but that was it. I ended up on his bed, where my gbro left us. That jerk has good acting skills! Right after the couple left, he started touching me. I waited till his movement died down and I got up to use the washroom. I was pretty much awake again in the washroom. I washed my face, realizing that my skin care kit was still there. He didn't throw away any of my stuff. That took a good 10 mins. When I came back out, I saw him laying on the bed with his eyes closed. I turned off all the lights and walked to the balcony. I looked outside, realizing that it's still dark and it wasn't safe to go home. My head felt so light, I was still half drunk. Suddenly, I heard slow music playing. As I was about to turn around he hugged me from behind and started kissing my neck. I tightened up and felt extremely uncomfortable. I guess he realized that and he stopped but still remained hugging me and leaning on me. I still remember every word he said cause he didn't say much. He took my hands and this passage came out as I looked at our reflection on the glass door "Babes.. I miss you.. you know how lonely nights are without you.. thought I was ready for it but I wasn't.. you aren't too right? don't torture yourself with another guy. you guys didn't do anything more than the dancing right?" I didn't say anything but saw him looking into the glass for my answer. I couldn't hold it anymore. I turned around and hugged him tightly, shaking my head hoping to hide what I did at the lounge. That hugged felt more real. I felt secured. I felt loved. It was what I needed and what I've been looking for. But this was all probably his act again since he's so good in acting. It wasn't till the morning, while laying beside him when I realized he probably said all that to get me on the bed. I didn't want to look at him any longer so I left. I tried to recap of all that happened that night. I felt so stupid and dirty. I was such a whore. Made out with one guy and slept with another. However, I know this isn't the worse, I would have regretted more if the person I woke up to see was Adrian. Although, I didn't regret doing stuff with him, going beyond that would kill me.
I'm so stupid huh. Dwelling on someone who's only using me and rejecting a person who might one day love me. If there's a pill that makes you get over a person in a minute, I would do anything for this pill. The mix feelings are killing me. Does he still love me or not? Why can't I get Adrian off my mind when I know I don't like him? sighs...
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