Argh.. this entry sucks.. was supposed to be posted long time ago.. it sounded better then.
Date: Mar 15th, 2005 10:15:48 pm - Subscribe
Mood: whatever

This week's been a horrible week for my family. TWO car accidents in less than a week. How bad can life get? Anyway, it already happened. I'm getting over it. Not gonna get into that.

On top of the accidents, I had exams to worry about. It was hectic. Nothing was working right on Saturday and I just wanted a relaxing night, so I decided to go out with my friends. I dragged Christina along. When she heard the word 'dance', she went all crazy. This girl spent 3 hours in front of the mirror!! Oh god. I thought I was extreme but ha! there's always worse! Christina is a cool Korean chick, why didn't I meet her earlier? I'm too old to be as wild as her now.. lol. If only I had met her in high school, she would rock the dances! haha

Anyway, well, my friends got me drinking that night. I was drunk after a few shots but then Christina kept persuading me to drink more saying that there's not much alcohol in the drinks. Stupid me, listened to her. But if she hadn't gotten me drunk, I wouldn't have gone out to the dance floor. I haven't dance in ages so let's not talk about dirty dancing. oh god! >.<

Guys were so perverted there! Every 30 secs guys would come up and grind behind you! Glaring at them is not enough. Chris and I had to change positions all the time. Some crazy guy even pulled on to her and fully cuffed her arm without a motive. It was such a polariod moment. Christina was so jokes. Some other dumbass even tried to offer me a drink that was clearly in his hands. Do I look that stupid? hmph! After a few songs, the song "lose my breath" came on, just as Christina and I were having the best time ever, a pair of perv hands wrapped around my waist! To my surprise, Christina turned around and started dancing somewhere else. I was like "what the hell? Traiter!". I tried to break out of the guy's arms but I couldn't and was struggling. He even pulled me closer to him and my back was fully against his chest as he was moving me to the music. He then leaned over and said "It's me. Adrian. Relax. Dance with me baby". We somehow just started dancing. He was such a perv. There isn't a touchable part of my body that he didn't went for. sighs. guys are guys. As we were dancing he was also dirty talking to me. I can't believe I danced with him. I never danced like that before. sighs. We danced for a while and when the song "turning me on" came on, he started reacting weirdly, as if he was really getting turned on. >.< In the middle of the song, he suddenly pulled me off the dance floor. I didn't even know what was going on, I just had to follow cause he was pulling me. We ended up in some hallway-like place where there was no one and pinned me against the wall. I couldn't help it but started giggling when I looked at him. His face was red from the dancing. I could even feel his breathing. We started giggling more like crazy drunks. He started touching me inappropriately while dirty talking and his face was only an inch from me. I don't know why I didn't stop him. Noticing that he was trying to kiss me, I turned my face and smiled, teasing him. He ended up kissing my cheek so he brought up his huge hand and held my face back towards him. His lips made its way to mine again when suddenly my phone vibrated and he was only able to brush my lips as I went for my phone. It was a text message from that jerk. "don't do anything stupid. i still love you. look at the person in front of you, you'll regret" I read it quickly without knowing why he sent me that message. The only part which I really digested was the "I still love you" part. Before I could even think twice about it, Adrian snapped my phone closed and tucked it in his pocket. He then pulled me closer to him and lifted my chin up for the kiss. His hands started moving again; from my chin, to my shoulders and then slowly rubbing downwards. Yes, he touched my breasts and all I did was grabbed his hand but didn't pull it away. I started responding when I felt his tongue and wrapped my arms around him. but argh Stupid guy! My shirt was already pretty much see-through and you can see my bra, why would he go for the buttons! That I just had to stop him! Couldn't let him undo me in such place! His lips made its way off my mouth to my neck, then my shoulders and I think he wanted to go lower to my breasts but I lifted his head up. He looked at me and smile, then asked "wanna come to my house tonight?". I smiled at him and kissed him quickly. Then I took his hand and dragged him out, said "let's dance". He must have been disappointed, but hey at least I still wanted to dance with him after all that. I can't believe I did that. First time making out with a non-bf and dirty dancing with a guy. What was I thinking?

I never regretted it though. I can't say I didn't have any feelings while kissing him. The heart beating feeling was there but the feeling still had no depth. I still had another person in my heart, there's no space for a new one. Just when we headed back into the lounge, ten thousands eyes were on us except Christina who was on the couch with her head down. My gbro glared at Adrian and I. I then noticed that that jerk was there. The message makes sense now. They were watching us - watched us leave and waited for us to come back. He pretended not to look at me but his face couldn't hide the anger. Suddenly a slow song came on and I pulled Adrian onto the dance floor. I hugged him tightly as if he was here to secure me from all the harsh feelings and the ten thousand eyes. But right when my eyes met that jerk's, I felt a dart thru my heart. I felt as if I was hurting him. I was hugging another guy when my heart belonged to him. I looked up at the guy who I was hugging, his sweet smile couldn't hide how happy he was. Even though, the feeling of being in a guy's arms was there, there was again no depth and no sense of security. I was hurting myself, him and the person I love.

When the night wrapped up, we all stood in a group. Christina was obviously taken care of by her bf. That girl! She was pretending to be wasted! Anyway, she was screaming like a crazy chick! "Take annie too! take annie too!" she said that 10 thousand times to her bf. Adrian took action instead and hugged me, claiming his property but my gbro punked him off. So Christina, Seung and Adrian ended up leaving together. My gbro took me and that jerk who was also pretending to be drunk! I ended up walking myself into his flat, I don't know why I didn't know but that was it. I ended up on his bed, where my gbro left us. That jerk has good acting skills! Right after the couple left, he started touching me. I waited till his movement died down and I got up to use the washroom. I was pretty much awake again in the washroom. I washed my face, realizing that my skin care kit was still there. He didn't throw away any of my stuff. That took a good 10 mins. When I came back out, I saw him laying on the bed with his eyes closed. I turned off all the lights and walked to the balcony. I looked outside, realizing that it's still dark and it wasn't safe to go home. My head felt so light, I was still half drunk. Suddenly, I heard slow music playing. As I was about to turn around he hugged me from behind and started kissing my neck. I tightened up and felt extremely uncomfortable. I guess he realized that and he stopped but still remained hugging me and leaning on me. I still remember every word he said cause he didn't say much. He took my hands and this passage came out as I looked at our reflection on the glass door "Babes.. I miss you.. you know how lonely nights are without you.. thought I was ready for it but I wasn't.. you aren't too right? don't torture yourself with another guy. you guys didn't do anything more than the dancing right?" I didn't say anything but saw him looking into the glass for my answer. I couldn't hold it anymore. I turned around and hugged him tightly, shaking my head hoping to hide what I did at the lounge. That hugged felt more real. I felt secured. I felt loved. It was what I needed and what I've been looking for. But this was all probably his act again since he's so good in acting. It wasn't till the morning, while laying beside him when I realized he probably said all that to get me on the bed. I didn't want to look at him any longer so I left. I tried to recap of all that happened that night. I felt so stupid and dirty. I was such a whore. Made out with one guy and slept with another. However, I know this isn't the worse, I would have regretted more if the person I woke up to see was Adrian. Although, I didn't regret doing stuff with him, going beyond that would kill me.

I'm so stupid huh. Dwelling on someone who's only using me and rejecting a person who might one day love me. If there's a pill that makes you get over a person in a minute, I would do anything for this pill. The mix feelings are killing me. Does he still love me or not? Why can't I get Adrian off my mind when I know I don't like him? sighs...

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