Date: Mar 29th, 2005 1:12:32 am - Subscribe
Moving on is the hardest thing to do. Along this path, will come the feeling of loneliness, despairity, confusion, heart breaks, etc. I'm walking along this path right now. I can't help but to always turn my head back. Five years of my life, how can it be erased so quickly? I've once thought I was moving on, the feeling wasn't great. I felt like shit. I felt like a whore. If I was able to move on so quick, how deep were those vows? I loved him while I was with him. I thought I would always love him without him. Isn't this the case? I need to move on but I want to dwell on this man. But when it comes to quiet and chilly night, I don't want to spend it alone. This is where Adrian comes in. I've never wanted Adrian to be a replacement of him, but in terms of intimacy, it is. I'm weakest at this point, I give into anything. I think Adrian knows this too, that's why he hasn't given up. He feels sorry for me when I'm crying, but off the tears, I'm just every other girl.
Last night was Adrian's birthday, I had the most unexpect night with him. i would have never thought I would spend that night trying to make things special for him. He drove me to Rabba's and picked up a cake. Then went to his house to "celebrate". That was the dumbest move ever! Think you can ever walk into a guy's house, not doing anything with him and walk back out "clean"? That never happens. Nevertheless, it was my choice. No excuses. I wasn't drunk, drugged nor sick. The things he said sounded so sincere but of course, I couldn't tell. I fell for them. It's too late. I'm tainted.
A lot of times, I do want to cheat myself that Adrian meant what he says but let's be realistic, who would fall head over heels for me? It may have been a long chase, but thinking that I'm pure may be worthwhile. I hate to think of him like this, considering the things he said to me. I think it's meant to be, I'm meant to win Mary over love. Because from both guys, I've gotten more love than her. Even though Adrian may not be fully into me, there was a point last night that I'll never forget; when he hugged me and said I'm the most "hor leen" girl he ever met and that he wants to protect me. When he said that it made me think of all the times, he was there for me. He didn't care whether he would get physically hurt from aiding me with my stupid plans. I even hurt him emotionally but he was always by my side. He pushed me to the person I love but what about him? It takes love to take that big step. Considering these things, is he worthwhile? But then again, he hasn't called all day, I might just be another Mary.
Sometimes, I feel that I have feelings for Adrian but most of the time, it's just lust. We've gone beyond morals but still, there is no depth feeling. What do I expect? The chase is gone. He got what he wanted and now he's gone, just like every other guy. The words he said were nice and sweet but off the bed, they might mean nothing to him.
I feel pregnant, maybe I'm just paranoid but I do. What am I going to do if I am? I can't even look at the father again. I'm such a whore. When words goes around later on, I'm pretty sure he doesn't even want to see me again. I keep getting "I miss you" text msgs, I think it's him. I miss him. Even though, I've been physically away from him, I felt that he never left me. Sometimes, I even lie to myself that he's in Waterloo and he'll come back to visit me one night. That'll never happen. I know who I love and the one I love is still him. My heart hasn't changed its direction but the lust for him have. No matter what I do with someone else, at the end, I still think of him or even mistake others for him.
I can't say I completely regret giving into Adrian because it was gonna happen. I just didn't know the feeling would be this horrible. I cried right after. I can't control what I'm doing now. I do stuff for the moment and not the future. I don't feel like a girl. I'm so not faithful.
Currently, I'm thinking of how stupid I am to give in. Sweet words can easily be said but action speaks louder than words. Where is he now? I feel so dumb. I can't accept the fact that I'm another Mary. I can't be as dumb as she is but I AM!
To answer to why I do stupidness now is that I don't care anymore. I was too proper before and got nothing but people calling me whore and calling for service. Living such a standard life is too much. I have to loosen up. When would I start caring again?
He finally called. Thought he would never call again. Tears came shedding when I heard his voice. Have I fallen for this guy? After one night? What is this? It has to be lust. Nevertheless, his call did secure me from all those thoughts. He just woke up from a wasted night. This birthday boy gets drunk so easily lately. He's telling me not to think of stupidness and that he's not playing me. He said he won't do anything to hurt me. Sounds okay. Should I believe him? Well, if he can still call me after all that, he probably never planned to get rid of me asap. I'm probably not Mary. But still my guards need to be up. He's too mysterious. I wonder what kind of guy he is. Before actually being in his room, thought he would be a guy who has condoms laying around where you can just stretch into a drawer a pick up one when you needed but no. He had none in his living presence. Reminded me of seo. He never really kept any until we needed them. Then, I had so much faith in guys but why? It could be just a front. If he can sleep with Mary and walk off, why can't he do that to you? If the other can date Mary and say that he has no feelings for her, why can't he do that to you? Wake up Annie! Don't dwell. Move on!
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