Can\'t sleep
Date: Mar 8th, 2005 12:37:48 am - Subscribe
Mood: feel like shit

Once I got on to bed, tears started rushing out. He's gone for good. He left me alone with nothing. My soul and heart had gone with him. I'm nothing but a bitter person right now. I lost my baby. I lost him. I have nothing left. Even till the last minute, he left me with nothing but the sweetest words.

Just this afternoon when we were on the phone, I actually thought we had a chance of getting back together. It was even fine when he came. But after a romantic hour, he said "let's separate now." I was too shocked by those words to say anything. I grabbed his arm as he wanted to stand up. I asked if he was serious and he nodded. He planted a kiss on my lips for the very last time, stood up and left my room. I was left empty under my blankets. He used me and left.

Every time I go back on that bed, I can't help it but to think of what had just happened to me last evening. I feel used, dumped, objectified, and tainted. It didn't even take him a minute to change from sweet to cold. He got his pleasure and left me cold. That was all he wanted. I can't think otherwise.

What was going through his mind? Even if his feelings changed, does he have to treat me like this? I feel worthless right now. I just don't understand. Give me an answer. I don't want to blinded. Give me a reason. I would let you go but why at this time when I need you the most?

This song best describe my feeling right now..
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Date: Mar 7th, 2005 7:15:53 pm - Subscribe
Mood: used

I just realized happy times can be shared but sad times is for you deal with alone. I can't believe what had just happened to me in the past hour. We were fine today. Talked on the phone for two hours. Everything sounded fine. How can he do this to me? When I wanted the break up, he couldn't take it but I stood by him. Now that I lost his baby, he leaves me. His words hit me hard. I don't understand how he can be such a jerk. And I actually wanted to have a baby for him. My father was right, no matter how one loved, that love can change. I will never forget what he did to me today...
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Morning Thoughts
Date: Mar 4th, 2005 7:50:55 am - Subscribe
Mood: worried

I woke up like every other sleep this morning. Didn't feel dizzy and wanted to stay in bed. It's quite normal but that's only because he was here. What would I do without him? We're going to leave together right now, like how we used to. How I wish things can go back to the way they were. I can't seem to recall much of our memories, especially the painful ones. Why?

For the past few days, I had this thought.. what if I told him that I got an abortion but didn't. Would he buy it? His tolerance for me seem to be quite high. I guess it's a good thing because if he could just turn his back on me right after the breakup, I don't even know how am I going to take it. When would his tolerance fade? I care about him a lot, now more than ever. But I can't show it. I know I say mean things to tease him nowadays but I just want him to get used to the feeling and actually accept the fact, that we're not together. No matter how much sleepless nights we have, we shouldn't be on the same bed anymore, even if that's the only way we can sleep through.

Love is compicated. Fate is indescribable. Let it all leave my life...

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Back at square ONE
Date: Mar 2nd, 2005 9:37:04 pm - Subscribe
Mood: dizzy

No one around me would understand how lost I am right now. I play off everyday as the normal me. But little do they know every day of this is taking me deeper into confusion. I hate the feeling of not knowing but it's happening again. I no longer do things because I want to or have to do it. I do things because I trying so hard to be normal.

I don't know what to do. I want to be selfish for once but I can't. Every unselfish thing that I do leads me back to the crossroads of choosing again. I want my baby but that's selfish. It was once not, until he found out. I wonder if things would be much easier if he didn't know. But if he didn't know, I would have all those warm nights that he accompany me through. The doctor told me that my condition got worse, and on top of that she said the pills that I've been taking for my asthma might affect the baby. Not necessarily but might because when they prescribed it to me, they didn't know. I wonder if it was those pills that made my condition like this. People have normal pregnancies, why am I the odd one? Everyone around me are so against it cause when the stomach gets bigger, my asthma would get worse while I can't take any asthma medication to prevent the attacks. I might not be able to breathe one day and put our lives at risk. I'm not scared though but everyone else is. I know my condition and I know how bad it can get. But I want the baby. I've never looked forward to anything this much in my life. I was looking at the flyers earlier seeing the diapers ads. I want to be able to shop for them one day. I already thought of names. I really don't want to give this up but for this I risk my life and have loads of people worrying about me, especially him. He's not that happy everytime I see him, and when I bring up the baby, he doesn't seem interested. He doesn't want it; not because of the responsibility but of me. The risk is too high. I can't measure how much we love each other. Does he love me more or do I love him more? I'm sure everyone around has an answer, just we're the ones who don't. His love is external and my love is internal. That's how we are. Libras and Aries are meant to be the direct opposite of each other.

The other night I leaned my head on him and said "you know it's wrong that we're on the same bed together right now.. and this is only happening because we're both connected to the life inside me". He knew it was true. There was no way we can get back together at this moment. The only excuse we have to see and talk to each other is the baby. But what happens when the baby is not here anymore? Giving up the baby means freeing him but losing the bond with him. Be selfish and keeping him in my life or letting him more on completely? What should I do? When it comes to this point, I'm sure there is already an answer. My personality contains not such word as selfish, so let it be...

I might regret this because this isn't something that I want to do but I can't bare seeing him tied to this commitment when that's not how it's supposed to be. What's the point of leaving him then? My heart aches right now. I can't even tell what is it for. For him or for myself. We gotta end it somewhere. I just can't live with myself having to keep a guy with his baby. Even how much I want this baby, like he said.. we will love the baby but we already love each other right now.. who are you going to choose? For the same reason of his, he's always my first choice. A future and family with him is too good to be true.. better end this dream now before hurting everyone else in the future..
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Day Two Without Him..
Date: Feb 17th, 2005 1:52:58 am - Subscribe
Mood: Lost

Today is so much harder. All that act, pretending to be okay when I'm really not. I laughed a lot today but only forcefully. I really want to be okay but everything reminded me of him. I miss him and I miss everything of him. I miss being in his arms. I miss his kisses. I miss his voice. I miss his stupid jokes. I miss sweet smile. I used to feed on these for survival. I don't know how to survive anymore.

I don't want to do stupidness to myself but I can't control it. I don't even know what's hunger anymore. I've once said if I knew I'm pregnant, I won't let anything happen to my baby but I don't seem to care anymore. God has taken away someone who I truly love but had given me back a part of him. Is that fair? Why are a lot of people able to have both but not me?

Talking to a friend made me realize how happy he'll be if he knows that he's gonna be a father. This shouldn't be a bad thing. Having a baby is something good but nothing is working out right now! I can't believe how stupid I can be when being in love. I don't even want a baby to be honest. I don't want to go through the giving birth process. I'm more reserved from that than an average girl would be. And I hate kids. They're so annoying. I really don't know how I'm going to do this on my own. I'm scared..
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Combined Entries
Date: Feb 16th, 2005 1:28:42 am - Subscribe
Mood: crying rivers

February 12, 2005.. about 7 am

Stayed up all night but didn't get to see the sunrise that I wanted. The sky is pretty dull today, perhaps it is a sign of something. I can't convince myself to close my eyes. Although I was in his arms, I still wasn't secure. I didn't want to wake up to find myself alone. He obliviously stayed up with me, not knowing what was up.

I asked for everything to be done as if it was done for the last time. He was confused but still clueless. We spent the whole night, sitting on the bed. Him, leaning against the head board and me, in his arms, leaning against him. The curtians were spread wide open to allow the star and moonlight to shine through. We sat there and waited for the morning to come...

Him: So we're gonna sit here for the whole night? (she nods) You're gonna have energy for tomorrow?
Her: sure I will.. go to sleep, if you're tired. (He shakes his head)
Him: No, I want to hold you..
Her: You can still hold me. I'm not going anywhere. (He leans his face on the side of hers) Remember when we used to do this all the time in the summer? (he nods) I miss those days.
Him: I won't let you miss them for too long. Things will only get better, I promise. (she nods convincingly)
Her: Where are we going tomorrow?
Him: Wherever you want to go...
Her: It doesn't matter. Where do you want to go?
Him: Let's go shopping. I haven't taken you shopping in a long time.
Her: You do realize that eh! Ever since you started working, we never have a whole day for each other..
Him: It's not only my fault. How about your club stuff?
Her: Hmph! fine! What are you giving me for Valentine's?
Him: Not telling you.. What did you get me? (She pulls his hand and places it on her stomach. He was confused for a bit) you're pregnant?
Her: No, I ate your gift! haha.. It's Chocolates!
Him: I don't believe you. You don't eat chocolates! I want a baby!
Her: No way!
Him: Why not?
Her: I'm gonna be jealous of the baby.. you're gonna love the baby more! hmph!
Him: No, I'll always love you more than anything.. (She holds his hand firmly on her stomach)
Her: Hun, imagine that i'm a few months pregnant.. what would you say to the baby inside?
Him: Hmm.. baby, don't kick mommy!! be good alright?? (She slaps his hand lightly)
Her: hey, who doesn't want the baby to kick? Isn't that the best part of being pregnant?
Him: I don't know. Doesn't it hurt? I don't want you to go through that pain.
Her: Everything hurts.. I hate being a girl.
Him: Don't worry, I'm here to go through it with you. We're gonna have a baby right after we get married, alright?
Her: Aren't we already married? (smiles)


February 12, 2005, 6 pm

He made his lazy lunch today, as I requested it. I remember when he first made it I almost freaked. I never seen a person so lazy in my life before. He served noodles in one huge bowl for both of us. Anyway, so we sat on his bed with the big bowl of noodles and watched TV for lunch.

Him: I thought you don't like to eat like this.
Her: I'm being lazy today, alright? You feed me!
Him: Aren't I supposed to be say that? I made the lunch!
Her: I don't care, you're feeding me! You fed Elaine! Hmph!
Him: Jealous?
Her: Very!
Him: She's your niece. She's only 3!
Her: I don't care! You're mine! (She leans her head on to his shoulders as she whines)
Him: Okay okay.. I'll feed you..

We went shopping after lunch at square one. Didn't realize how long we haven't went shopping together until we entered the mall. We couldn't seem to compromise on anything. LOL. yikes leaving for dinner now.. gtg..


February 13, 2005, 2:10 am

My eyes are swollen right now. It hurts so much that I can't even convince myself to fall asleep. I did as I promised today. Just found the right moment and went with it. I regret this like never before but it's already done. My eyes are burning like hell right now. I screwed myself over so bad. Am I wrong? If I'm not, then why do I feel this way?

February 12, 2005 - 9:00 pm

At the Galaxy Lounge - they wanted in hand-in-hand. Many eyes stared at the couple as they walked pass but to be ignored by them. They walked pass the darks area and into the bar area, where she sees her friend waving at them.

Him: Are you sure it's a good idea coming here?
Her: Yeah, why not?
Him: Things always happen here.
Her: Don't worry.. (yells out loud) Christina!!
C: Oh god girl! You called me an hour ago, and now you get here?
Her: Sorry.. we were driving around
C: Well, sit down.. are you going to stand here all night? (The couple sat down on the love seat sofa, across from the girl) So, what made you want to come here all of a sudden?
Her: Just wanted to see you.. (smiles)
C: Ha! If I was a guy I would fall for that Annie!
Her: Really? He never falls for it.. haha
Him: Sure I don't..
Her: Where's your boy?
C: Not here yet.. Adrian and them are in the darts room though! Did you see them? (Coincidentally, Adrian approaches the table)
A: Talking about me?
C: Yeah.. Where's Seung? He's taking forever!
A: He's fixing up his baby..
C: What happened to his car?
A: Aren't you supposed to know? You're his girlfriend.
C: Not if he doesn't tell me.. Anyway.. Annie, let's go dance! (the guys laugh) Why are you guys laughing? Seo!
Him: You're asking my girlfriend to dance..
C: Yeah so.. Annie's looking sexy today, she can dance!
A: Have you ever seen her dance though? All she does is sit there all the time! (laughs)
Her: Hey!
C: Come on Annie, let's go show the guys you can dance!
Her: Uh.. nah, it's alright.. I rather sit here.. (The guys laugh again. She slaps his thigh lightly) Stop laughing!
Him: Okay okay.. (he wraps his arms around her. She notices Adrian looking at them, so she gave him a half smile)
C: You guys are cute..
A: I'm going to finish my game.. see you guys later.. (Adrian gets up and walks off)
C: Did I say the wrong thing?
Him: No, you're just speaking the truth..
Her: Hun!
Him: Okay, I'll stop.. Babes, let's go and a drink..
Her: Okay.. Christina, we'll be back..
C: Alright.. (the couple got up and heads to the bar hand-in-hand)
Him: What do you want?
Her: Umm... Long Island Iced Tea..
Him: (to the bartender) Long Island Iced Tea and a lemon iced tea..
Her: You're drinking iced tea?
Him: No, you are..
Her: What? I don't want the virgin one..
Him: You're not drinking the one with alcohol..
Her: But you asked me what I want..
Him: That doesn't mean you get what you want!
Her: Fine, whatever. I shouldn't be drinking anyway.
Him: Why?
Her: None of your business..
Bartender: I'll have someone bring it to your table later.
Her: Alright, thanks.. (a cell phone rings) Hun, that's your phone..
Him: Oh yeah.. (He reaches for his phone and pulls her to restroom hallway. He talks for a bit and hangs up)
Her: Who was that?
Him: Wrong number.. (he puts his phone in his pocket and leans against the wall as he holds on to her hands) Babes, you look beautiful today..
Her: You don't mind me in crazy makeup?
Him: nah, as long as you like it..
Her: Oh really? Can I put makeup on you?
Him: Now, don't go too far with that! (She leans forward to kiss him and then hugs him tightly.) I'm gonna go to the washroom.. wait for me?
Her: Hold on.. (she hugs him tighter and leans firmly on his shoulders. He hugs her in return)
Him: What's wrong Babes? I'm only going to the washroom.. I'll be back.. (she nods as he felt it on his body)
After breaking off with him, she walked back to Christina and sat down beside her. She took a deep breath and changed her facial expressions.

C: Hey, where did you guys go? Where's your boyfriend?
Her: Washroom..
C: You guys are just so cute..
Her: Jealous?
C: Very!
Her: He does treat me really well eh!
C: I know eh.. where do you find guys like that? Guys treat you like a princess..
Her: So what makes the guys? Servants? haha
C: Ha, you got your boy whipped! You have some skills girl...(She sees him approaching from the corner of her eyes)
Her: And some good acting skills..
C: What do you mean?
Her: Come on, my boy isn't dumb. What made him choose me over his parents? (He stops and before he turns the corner, and easedrops but of course, she noticed it)
C: Cause they're mean to you..
Her: It goes both ways girl.
C: What are you trying to say? I don't get it.
Her: He's so oblivious of everything. He thought he won over his parents but little did he know, I was the only one who saw the whole picture. (Christina twitches her eyesbrows in confusion) He thought I was so innocent and angelic, thought I didn't know what was going on but I did. He acted that way and didn't do anything purposely. Why risk myself when I can sit back and watch his parents pull all their evil cards.
C: Annie.. are you okay? (she grabbed Christina's hand)
Her: He thought he was the smart one to turn the tables. But he turned the wrong tables. His parents had always been right about me. Remember that period where all these guys were calling me for service? Yes, his parents did set it up but if I didn't lie to them that I did it, they wouldn't even try so hard to make him see the so-called truth.
C: You did do that?
Her: yeah..
C: What for?
Her: because I know they won't just stand there and watch their son go out with a prostitute.. by them doing so, they already revealed to him what kind of person they are.
C: But you're not one...
Her: I know I'm not one..
C: Why ruin your rep for them?
Her: So they'll know they're not the only one with evil skills.. (He walks out and stands behind her. Christina notices his presence)
C: I don't believe you! You're lying!
Her: I'm.. not..
C: Yes, you are!
Her: I'm not, you think he would trust me all along if he didn't see his parents' evil side? I just had to make them see it!
C: Shut up Annie! (Christina's eyes turn red with tears threaten to be shed)
Him: You did all that behind my back to gain my trust? (Upon hearing his voice, she got up and turned around)
Her: Hun.. I..
Him: Don't call me that! I don't want to hear you explain. I heard everything. I'm disgusted!
C: You misunderstood! She..
Her: (shouts) Christina! Don't bother revising it. He heard everything already.. Can't hide it now..
Him: How can you do this to me?
Her: I loved you..
Him: That's not called love! You're so scary.. I can't believe how possessive you can be..
Her: I...
Him: Why do we have to come here today? Why do you have to mention it? Why can't you just keep it to yourself? I don't want to know.. We would be perfectly fine right now.. but..
Her: Why are you going to lie to yourself? I'm not as innocent as you think I am. You're the stupid one! Should have trusted your parents!
Him: You evil whore!
Her: You're gonna hit me now? Go ahead..(he raises his hand at her. Adrian jumps in out of nowhere)
C: Seo!
A: Calm down buddy!! (Adrian pulls his arm down)
Him: Don't touch me!
A: You're gonna hit a girl now? She's not any other girl yo! You love her. You're gonna hit a girl that you love? (Tears threaten to shed from her eyes, while Christina's already crying) That's not how you treat your girl! I've given up cause I thought you would treat her well. What happened now? I'll take that back! (She turns away from the people and allowed her tears to shed)
Him: You can have her... (After the pain words, he turned around and left)
A: Hey man! You idiot!
C: Annie.. (she turns around and throws herself at Christina. They both cried together) Why are you so stupid? Why are you doing this?
Her: I have to.. I have to let him go..
C: He's going to hate you..
Her: This is the only way..
A: Screw his parents! They're not going to thank you for this!
Her: I'm not doing this for them. I'm doing this for him. (She got the sudden urge to throw up, so she runs off)
In the washroom - it is coincidentally empty, she runs into a stall and throws up. Christina charges in and locks the washroom door.

C: Annie? Are you okay? Are you throwing up?? (Christina knocks on the stall door) Annie?
Her: I'm okay.. (the toilet flushes and she walks to the sink. She rinses her mouth and wipes her tears in front of the mirror. She looked at her dead reflection. Her eye makeup had smudged from the tears. She felt so disgusted at herself)
C: Are you okay? (She looked at her reflection and starts crying again) It's okay.. cry.. I locked the door.. (Christina grabs a handful of tissues) Do you always throw up?
Her: Christina, I'm pregnant.. what am I going to do?
C: Oh my god.. (Christina hugs her) Let's go tell him, come on!
Her: No, don't! If I could, I would have..
C: He should know.. It's not fair! You're sarcrificing so much for him.. You gotta tell him..
Her: No, please don't tell him... He's not going to leave me
C: Why do you want him to leave you?
Her: He has more important things to do. More responsibilities to serve.. I'm holding him back from life..
C: To him, there is no life without you.. You have his baby, what are you going to do? Abort it?
Her: (shakes her head) I'm going to keep it. I want the baby. That's all he's going to be leaving me with.
C: You're so dumb! He's not going to know this!
Her: He doesn't need to..
C: You think he won't know that you're pregnant..
Her: As long as I'm not with him, I'm going to disappear from this area, no one would know.. no one can tell him..
C: I don't know if I can keep this secret..
Her: you have to.. please..


February 13, 2005, 9pm

Went to Christina's house today. I know what she's thinking. She thinks I need counselling and need to get out of my house but I'm really not as bad as she thinks. I did this to myself so now it's time to suffer the consequenes.

She three-lined him earlier. He sounded so dead as if he's been crying a lot also. But he still had energy to be rude. This was how the conversation went..

C: Hey!
Him: You are?
C: Christina..
Him: Wrong number..
C: I know..
Him: Okay bye
C: Hey wait, I just called to see what's going on. You didn't go to church today.
Him: I never went to church with you.
C: Oh I know that..
Him: How would you know if I went to church or not?
C: I know everything.. connections
Him: Why do you care?
C: Hey, stop being so rude! I don't care! I can careless if you rot at home!
Him: Okay then..
C: Have you been crying? You sound so dead! (*oh god, she just had to be that straight forward.. I wanted to strangle her!*)
[silence rises upon the line] Hello??
Him: yes, what do you want?
C: Nothing, just checking if you're okay.. so I can tell someone not to worry about you..
Him: How is she doing?
C: Why do you want to know? You're the one who left her.
Him: I just asked you a simple question. You don't have to answer if you don't want. Don't throw stupidness at me!
C: You're so rude without her! She should have dumped your ass ages ago! Oh yeah, can she have her camera back? And perhaps, half her wardrobe?
Him: It's none of your business.
C: What do you mean?
Him: Stay out of our relationship!
C: There is no relationship anymore! Give her back her stuff!
Him: She can come to me for it, if she wants. It's none of your business.
C: You just want to see her! Excuses!
Him: Whatever, I don't want to talk to you. Bye!
C: Like I want to talk to you! Bye!

The conversation may sound funny but it wasn't. His voice made it so painful to listen to. He sounded restless and maybe he is..


February 13, 2005 - 11:30 pm

OMG.. this loser is scaring me! Stupid Adrian Why did he let him drive off drunk?? How smart is that? What's the point of telling me now??

Okay, we got him on conferencing.. He sounds horribly drunk and he's on the highway. Please don't let anything happen to him. Oh my god! This loser won't pull over! Should I say something? Or is it going to make it worse? He's mad at me..
Oh my god.. what's going to happen.. It's all my fault.. I should have known he's not ready for this..

When he picked up the phone he was hoping it was me. I disappointed him again. Somehow Adrian got disconnected and I was left with him on the line. He started humming out of nowhere. What is he thinking? Does he want to kill himself? Argh.. where are you hun?


February 14, 2005 - 10:10am

We stayed on the phone last night till he fell asleep in the car. Apparently, he was outside. I hung up on him. Watched him sleep for an hour and woke him up with a phone call. Didn't say anything though. Wonder if he went to work...


February 14, 2005 - 3 pm

He didn't go to work. Not picking his house or cell phone. What is he doing? Please don't make me worry..

His mom called me earlier. To my surprised to talked to me about a lot of deep things. She can herself in my shoe I don't know how many years ago yet, she's doing the same thing to me. She understands but has no choice, well at least that's what she said. I will soon be a mother and I understand, I told her. Hope my leave will revise their relationship. At least, I would feel it's worth it.


February 15, 2005 - 7:30 am

I can't sleep. What did I do last night? Oh my god. I have a feeling that it's gonna drag. Can't even control myself. argh.. Annie!!!!


So at about 6pm yesterday, I decided to go look for him. I couldn't stand not knowing what's going on with him anymore. I went to his flat to find the place a mess. Broken glass were everywhere. He even left the radio on. He must have been really angry to throw my beautiful dried flowers. The funny thing is that my personal belongings are still kept neatly on the dresser. The dishes from Saturday's lunch were still left in the sink. I don't think he had eaten since that night. I was going to clean up some things but I was more worried about where he might be; when suddenly the Delia's words shocked me on the radio. A message from him came about.

"Welcome back, this is Delia. I was just talking to this young gentleman during commercial break. He has a few words he would like to transfer to his girlfriend, Annie. .. He wants to say he's sorry for what happened and that he misses her. Today is supposedly their one year anniversary but unfortuanately, he's spending it alone. He misses her dearly and wishes that she can come back to him soon. He'll be waiting for her at the place they promised to share every February 14 together.. Sounds quite sad... hope Annie hears this because he'll be waiting for her.."

I ran out of the door after that message. I didn't even wait for the song dedication to play. Nothing else matters more than finding him right now.

Even though he said he'll be at harbour front. I stopped by the lounge before I headed there, just to make sure he's not drinking again.

When I got to the dock, no one was there. The streets were quiet like last year. I ran in the mist air from one side of the dock to the other, in a skirt! I wasn't really wet but I was really tired. I finally stopped at the bridge and stared at my reflection in the water, watching my tears drop one by one into the lake. I don't remember how long I wait, until I felt a hand on my head, hearing him say "I'm still here, don't cry".. I got up and turned around to realize that it was only an illusion. I continued crying again.

I don't know how long a waited again, until the second illusion came. "Babes.." I heard him say. I ignored it, but then sensed a physical body behind me. I got up and turned around. It wasn't an illusion. He was right in front of me. He wiped away my tears with his hand and pulled me into his arms. I missed him a lot. It felt so good to be in his arms again.

Him: I thought you weren't going to come..
Her: I thought you left already..
Him: I would never leave you
Her: You have..
Him: Annie.. You don't know how my days were without you..
Her: I know because I went through the same thing..



At his flat - still as messy as before. She wants out of the washroom and into his room, watching him sleep. She started picking up his clothes, making her way around the bed, where she found their old photographs ripped in pieces, around and in the garabge can. She couldn't even believe that there were this many pictures that he had kept. Among those pictures was a family one with them and their two dogs. She covered her mouth, shedding her tears. He must be horribly tired, to not notice, she's not beside her, she thought. Another thing which caught her eyes in the trash can was a semi-open jewlery case with a necklace hanging on and I ripped valentine's day card. She knew quickly how much he was looking forward to this day. She stood up and looked at him. She then decides to walk out. She headed to the reading room and sat there crying for a bit, while pulling out a piece of paper and a pen. She started writing..
One year had passed us by. It may not seem like a long period of time, but I feel that I already been through a lifetime. Separating from you means, starting a new life. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this but it has to start somewhere, sooner or later. With you, I gained a lot. I had someone to depend on so I chose to depend on you. Never knew that because of this dependence, it would be so hard for us today. I appreciate all the things you've done for me but I took it advantaged of it and used my innocence on you. It shouldn't be forgiven. I wouldn't be able to go on with you, thinking about it. You always tell me how much I mean to you but no matter how much that is, it's not worth sacrificing your relationship with your parents. The road has been bumpy, it's time for me to step out and release the weights of your shoulders so you can go on with this burden. I took care of me for the past year, but it's time that you let go of me and let me learn to walk on my own. There are more difficult days ahead of me that I need to walk for myself, I need to get used to it. I can't tell you how much I love having you with me through ups and downs because your existance always makes everything okay. Even though you won't be with me anymore, your charm will always be with me.

I know this note is getting very weird in the sense, where you might be asking yourself "why are we breaking up?". Step out of this picture and try to find the real answer. One day, you'll realize it's not too bad without me. Anyway, I'm leaving you for real now. Don't come back to me and try to work things out. This is the end. Wish you all the best. If one day, you suddenly think of me, don't hesitate to come find me, I'll always be around; no matter where I am in life, I think I would love to know how you're doing. Find your happiness elsewhere, it doesn't only lie in me. Take care and promise me not to do anything stupid. I'll be worried. Lastly, I'll miss you dearly..

Love you always,

I left him with his keys after that and never turned back again, even turned my phone off, just in case. Hope he can pick himself back up from there.


February 16, 2005 - 1:15 am, Day One Without Him

Today seemed so long. It was so hard. I couldn't control myself and cried a few times. I want to be strong for our little one but I don't know how to without him.

I met up with the girls today. They found out about us, separating because June heard it on the radio. I almost forgot it was June who got me hooked on the Delia show. I told them that I'm pregnant and I'm doing this for my reasons. They told me that I'm stupid and that if I leave him, I shouldn't keep the baby. Got Michelle crying at one point. I hate seeing friends cry for me. I don't want to feel pitied but at the same time, I do feel sorry for myself. Jamie hit me. Trang was disappointed. They were right. I'm a baby myself, how can I raise a kid? Trang was very blunt about things yet she was being realistic. She said she'll be happy for me if I'm having the baby because I want the baby but because I'm having the baby for the father, she feels it isn't right.

Considering what's going on at home and where my life is at, the baby is coming at the wrong time but I really want it. Yes, maybe I'm having it for him but it's all that he's left me with..

They said I won't be able to open my heart to love again. Is that true?

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The last night..
Date: Feb 11th, 2005 11:04:15 pm - Subscribe
Mood: emotional

I had a lot of fun today. I got my red highlights, although I wanted streaks but it's alright. At least, it isn't a bad hair cut. haha. And finally, I got glasses. I can see so much better now. But boy, do I look like a dumbass in those glasses.. I love the frames though.. but i'm just not a glasses person.. sighs..

Him and I had a lot of fun together today too. We went to eat at this authentic Japanese restaurant and we were having nice chats with the sushi chef. He was cool. He's 3/4 japanese and 1/4 chinese. Opposite from me. He was funny. He was joking about us having cute looking babies. I'm sure our baby would be cute. Come on, gotta have at least some of his genes. I'm not cute so don't count on me. The chef also asked us to invite him to our wedding.. sighs.. there wouldn't be such chance. We also went up north and watched the sunset. It was so beautiful. The sky was amazing. Then we went downtown and drove around for a bit. There's so many more places where I want go but there's no time.

ARGH!!! I'm so mad.. how can the memory stick be put in wrong?? Now, I lost all the pics that I took today.. oh god.. what am I gonna do? *crying rivers*

Tomorrow is it, gotta cherish the rest of tonight...
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