Self Esteem
I will not allow the hot chicks at the adjacent table to deter me from eating. I am hungry. I have been eating rice for weeks. I deserve a complete meal. I deserve protein.
I do not care if they look at me.
I do not care if they watch me.
If they judge me, they have problems.
They are just attractive girls.
Everyone eats.
Shh
Sometimes I just wish Chelsea would just come back and shake things up with her monkey banana raffle and a bag of oranges.
When did everything get so quiet all of the sudden?
Ambien and Klonopin
Over the past few days, it has become even more clear than before how much easier it is to remain in a bad relationship than open up to someone new.
I have discovered how many things I can no longer accomplish.
Quitting smoking so I can run that much faster from anyone who could possibly mean something to me.
I should spare myself the phone call instead of wishing my doctor good luck.
Fail
I had a mental breakdown in front of my parents.
My mom wouldn't let me vomit in peace.
Her advice was completely useless and unnecessary.
Failing in front of them.
It feels like my lungs are wrapped in rubber bands.
Dying for a cigarette.
Dying to be home.
They have witnessed what I deal with.
They watched the hell I put myself through to please them.
My "tremendous talent" means little to them and even less to me, knowing that I'm still and always will be a complete screw up.
Liberation
No longer incarcerated by his feigned compassion. His actions have always made little sense but questioning only leaves me with the appearance of insanity. The unfortunate but inevitable process of over-analyzing his behavior has reached its end. My expectations of flawless logic drove me mad, constantly disappointed by irrationality and unnecessary lies.
Never presenting evidence confirming or denying my frequently correct accusations, it seemed he could only follow my statements with the vague retort, "You presume."
Thus concludes the deceit and entertainment by a delightful actor assuming the roles of intelligence and maturity.
Freed of and by my horrible memories.
Shan/Lord
I will do this for you, in every way that I know how. I will thumb through the beads and beg beneath the stars. I will recite the words programmed into the big brain that also prevents me from believing. I cried for you and your loss. Deep down I wish that Baby K is an angel, floating around the universe, watching down on me with the paradoxical combination of curiosity and infinite knowledge. Unfortunately, that belief would only increase the magnitude of my own loss. I wish you could see it the way I do. Your sentiment makes it difficult for me to sleep. Your sadness, though irrational, burns my eyes and leaves a dull, unrelenting pain in my stomach each night. Though my desperate pleas for your comfort are sincere, I am sadly aware that my words disappear into the nonexistence where your child's soul resides.
Catnip Tea
My papers are almost finished. The entire semester of panic was completely unnecessary.
I'm ready for a summer of new beginnings. A new location, new friends, new job, reading, writing, and probably a lot of opium and minecraft.
I've lost weight and intend to lose more.
I've let another potential love slip through my fingertips but I'm not unhappy.
Life is good.
Thoughts From A Child
Everyone is so impressed with young people that are "all grown up." But I don't want to fucking grow up. And I don't know that I ever will. But see, in 5 or 10 years, whether I want to or not, I'll probably turn into a "grown-up." And I don't mean like legally or physically an adult, but my maturity level will slowly rise until I become one. And I don't think there's anything I can do about it. And a mature person would say "That's so childish, not wanting to grow up. You can't be a child forever. There's a point where you have to become a mature adult and leave all that childish nonsense behind you." But that's so fucking stupid to me. And, I don't know... I feel weird because I know plenty of adults wish to be young again, but most kids I know can't wait to grow up. So what if, because I want to stay a kid now, when I get old I'll just keep wishing I'm older? Hahah. I don't even know what my brain is trying to tell me. It's all so damn confusing. Growing up is such a pain in my ass.
Car Tassels
I never thought I'd say that I'm actually sick of people begging me for sex.
I saw two dandelions wrapped around each other like they were hugging. It pisses me off that even the plants can find love.
I want to become a better hipster but I refuse to purchase a romper. Perhaps I will start writing in comic sans for the sake of irony.
P.S. Shock the world.
It's time for something big.
Ready for Abduction
Today I was a delight to fuck.
Grape God
I've exceeded my filth limit. The dishes and laundry are piled high enough to climb. The bathroom needs cleaned, the living room needs dusted and vacuumed. I need to start packing.
Instead of taking care of myself and the house, I spent two days in strange beds, stoned. I haven't showered, I refuse to eat. My cough isn't getting better. I put my nephew in the hospital. My deadbeat brother wants to see me but I need to sleep some more.
Somehow I managed to shave my legs.
I don't know why I need to be thin right now. It's so funny how the mind works.
Muttsy
I fall for every guy who tells me a story about a stuffed animal.
They disappear shortly afterwords.
This one will blister.
He will be the last one.
Blow Your Name in Smoke
Tearing the dress down like falling on curtains.
Wish I could afford to feel this way forever.
Eating the girl beneath the Mondrian.
Wake me up in three months.
I am still waiting for this.
For something more.
It is not enough.
Chewing.
Claws.
Tears.
Bliss.
O.
maybe in Legoland you're mine
The cowboys stole my weekend and my strength.
He only comes by when she's mad.
Marvin, Xu, Crackers and the stoners kept me company while I summoned the fairy of forgetting.
Threw Daisy's bouncy though his gauges. I was tricked.
I don't want to get back together. I want things to be the way they were. I can't ride in the front seat. I wanted eleven tacos. I wanted presents and affection. But I will give it all up to avoid the snoring and repeated stories. How many men have really loved me? He couldn't have if he doesn't even have images in his dreams. Are his thought molecules capable of joining to form more than just my name? My mannerisms, my words, each come from the image that is me.
Waffle for dinner. Freezing.
This is an emphatic sentence.
Fourth emphatic sentence fragment.
snacks
I can't even begin to describe the orgasms this weed has created. It's best not to publish these thoughts but I'm conflicted. My eyeliner rips off slowly. I have no idea what happened, I know that this is what I wanted. My loneliness is altered. I want to. I want to. Need to. I want to cry.
I don't. I can localize my pulse with my thoughts.
Unbelievable intensity.
I want to press my face against something cold and ceramic.
at last yo did make her tener mi cosa
I'm overwhelmed with the desire to dropkick everyone in that class. Throughout the entire hour I have to fight the urge to shove my tongue down the throat possessing the only voice of intelligence. Perhaps that dumb bitch had a point.
Gross generalizations frustrate the absolute hell out of me.
When the hell is Lucas coming home? I can't take this anymore.
I don't want to call her or blow another paycheck, searching for those few gleeful moments before remembering who I am and where I live.
Mom understands but at least she has anesthesia to keep her amused. My dad was dumb enough to buy her another SUV.
My breakfast pizza weighs more than your breakfast pizza.
Stuff we can't tell our friends.
"It's so stupid, they hate each other but they can't seem to stop having sex."
*knowing look*
"We use protection!"
"It was nice of you to bring food over."
"It was nice of you to let me eat at your house and put your penis in me. You're a good friend"
Best to Forget
It was dark and we were in the middle of nowhere. We were both hurting from our former loves. I asked him why he dumped her and he told me that all of his friends told him that she cheated on him with me. I didn't know what to say, he appeared angry but he told me not to worry about it. We sat on a dusty bed in the abandoned house engaging in deeper conversation than I'd ever had with him. I began to sob over my past mistakes, compelling him to hold me. Before I knew what was going on, we were making out. He walked away to find condoms and I made a break for it. The sun was coming up, I was high and had no idea where they had taken me. He followed, telling me he knew of a better place to go but our time was limited. I ducked behind a bush and took off running into an arch of tree limbs. The limbs grew closer to the ground the farther I ran, forcing me to crawl on the ground. I kept thinking to myself that this encounter could only end in heartache. I had to get away before I fell deeper in love, allowing him that opportunity. I ran between tall fences so he would not see me but they blocked my destination so I climbed over them, falling and hurting myself more each time. Completely surrounded by unique trees accented with a hot pink sunrise, I could not stop for a second to embrace the beauty. Ben caught up with me by taking a shorter route. Still breathing heavily from the run, he lifted me up effortlessly and propped me against the fence. He leaned in to kiss me, our hearts racing against each other. At that moment I felt the most intense desire I had ever felt for anyone. He pulled away and set me back on the ground and announced that he had to leave. I sat on the ground crying, wanting to die, hating myself for allowing another person past my force field. I passed out from drugs and tears and waited for the rest of the group to find me, abandoned again by someone who should have meant nothing.
Random Confidence
I just spent an hour looking at engagement rings. Not the synthetic diamonds for which I was once willing to settle. This time, I searched the monsters that would look ridiculous on my dainty hand. I'm tired of being sensible. Maybe it's spring fever but I'm ready to actually shoot for that guy who's out of my league. The professor, the one with the football scholarship, the one who's so good-looking he almost has to be gay.
Why the hell not?
I'm tired of spending my nights reading, writing, watching youtube videos and waiting to get a text from my lame friends, hoping someone will let me buy them ice cream. I'm a special girl and there is no reason I should be alone tonight.
Tomorrow, I make my move(s).
Enough is Enough
Your tattoo didn't prevent him from beating me.
Your fliers didn't prevent him from raping me.
Fuck off Fort Hays.
Fuck off everyone who thinks they can make a difference by purchasing a goddamn ribbon.
Stop raising money for awareness. I didn't need the reminder.