The present.
i s
t h e pa s t
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Well.
Waterloo feels weird,
but for some reason helped me think new thoughts.
but for some reason helped me think new thoughts.
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I suck.
I ruined my excitement for this weekend.
I don't even feel like moving much.
Nice one, brain. Nice one.
I don't even feel like moving much.
Nice one, brain. Nice one.
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Conversations.
I feel so good. If all these people out there like who I am, then I must be doing something right! Don't give up.
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Just life.
I feel fine right now. Kevin and I are cute, even our arguments are a certain level of cute. I'm excited for this weekend! I also realized how much I miss having a lot of friends. I miss meeting new people and feeling liked. I should find a new group of friends, people to keep me in the right direction moving forward.
Also.. I think being in a relationship makes me a lot more attractive. Although I realized, as I get older, more and more boys seem to like me. Must be my upgraded personality. I think I've changed myself.. but I have a lot more to go. ...and I still have to work on this posture.
Also.. I think being in a relationship makes me a lot more attractive. Although I realized, as I get older, more and more boys seem to like me. Must be my upgraded personality. I think I've changed myself.. but I have a lot more to go. ...and I still have to work on this posture.
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Life is like driving a car, except there's no reverse.
Sometimes we run out of gas.
Sometimes those are my favourite times.
Two legs.
Sometimes we run out of gas.
Sometimes those are my favourite times.
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Moving alcoholic stars.
Last night was really different. When we were sitting around the fireplace and listening to Idioteque, and everybody was telling us what they thought of when they heard the song, I realized how we're all stuck in our own little worlds.
...and it's okay. I'm happy being an astronaut, and they're happy being whatever they happen to be. Just because I don't like their views, doesn't mean they're not happy too. I'm starting to like being different from everybody. Sometimes I kind of feel... lucky. I don't need anybody out there to see what I see, and think what I think, and be what I'm like. I don't know why it always bothers me that I can't find anybody like me. I wish it didn't...
Everything's fine..
...and it's okay. I'm happy being an astronaut, and they're happy being whatever they happen to be. Just because I don't like their views, doesn't mean they're not happy too. I'm starting to like being different from everybody. Sometimes I kind of feel... lucky. I don't need anybody out there to see what I see, and think what I think, and be what I'm like. I don't know why it always bothers me that I can't find anybody like me. I wish it didn't...
Everything's fine..
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Ugh..
My hips are painted with emotions that mirror what I am inside.
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This night.
It's one of those night where I wonder..
"where the fuck did my razor blades go?"
Edit: I'm okay now.
"where the fuck did my razor blades go?"
Edit: I'm okay now.
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Downfall resurfaced.
And even when I hate myself the most, I'll always be the one to accept myself... even if no one else does. You're right, we all have qualities that are just part of who we are and we'll always be that way. This is mine. I'll always be alone.
Edit: No.. maybe you're wrong. I know I can do better than this. I can get get rid of these habits, these leeches.
Edit: I miss you.
Edit: No.. maybe you're wrong. I know I can do better than this. I can get get rid of these habits, these leeches.
Edit: I miss you.
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a R t A r T
A r T a R t
a R t A r T
I've come to accept that art is something I like and I'm not going to keep ignoring it, I'm going to embrace it and see where it takes me.
P.S. I'm happy.
Yes.
A r T a R t
a R t A r T
I've come to accept that art is something I like and I'm not going to keep ignoring it, I'm going to embrace it and see where it takes me.
P.S. I'm happy.
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Lyrics #2
I'll be the one to keep you,
keep you at your best.
I'll be the one to keep you,
one disaster less.
keep you at your best.
I'll be the one to keep you,
one disaster less.
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I want..
I want to be a good person.
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My own happiness.
Today, the sun shines and makes my pupils shrink. The outdoors tell me that small pupils result in smiles. The television tells me that smiles can be collected and exchanged for success. Twenty smiles for ten minutes. My books tells me that success means accomplishing your own expectations. My mind tells me that I have no expectations, every minute I breathe is successful in being alive and free. The world tells me that freedom is happiness.
What does happiness mean?
It means whatever I'd like it to.
It means being on this earth, feeling warm, fighting hunger, seeing great skies, hearing birds fly, having a hand to hold, expressing your mind, laughing, sleeping, dancing...
...or just sitting here.
I'm happy just sitting here.
That's all it takes.
What does happiness mean?
It means whatever I'd like it to.
It means being on this earth, feeling warm, fighting hunger, seeing great skies, hearing birds fly, having a hand to hold, expressing your mind, laughing, sleeping, dancing...
...or just sitting here.
I'm happy just sitting here.
That's all it takes.
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talent
comes
in
seeds
Insides.
comes
in
seeds
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snow falls in silence and covers the green
still you can see where the birds have been
hungry, but alive and free
waiting
Lyrics #1
snow falls in silence and covers the green
still you can see where the birds have been
hungry, but alive and free
waiting
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I don't know.
You could be someone so great,
..but it's almost as if you don't take in anything that's said to you. It's like, you have this shield around who you are and you won't accept new thoughts, ideas and improvements. You don't seem to reflect on the things I say. I don't get how anybody could be that way.
I have a feeling I'm not the only one whose words you throw away.
..but it's almost as if you don't take in anything that's said to you. It's like, you have this shield around who you are and you won't accept new thoughts, ideas and improvements. You don't seem to reflect on the things I say. I don't get how anybody could be that way.
I have a feeling I'm not the only one whose words you throw away.
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If only you knew.
Memo #4
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sharing is caring
but wanting is taunting
and time will still climb,
so have you, i'll have to.
you'll be just for me,
because sharing means killing
times that could have been mine, ...i'm willing.
but i think i deserve this one thing.
Seven ropes.
but wanting is taunting
and time will still climb,
so have you, i'll have to.
you'll be just for me,
because sharing means killing
times that could have been mine, ...i'm willing.
but i think i deserve this one thing.
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The Movie Theatre
these thoughts cycle:
recycled thoughts, (trigger things)
(they) recycle inside (again and again)
and they're stuck in a cycle
of recycling (emotions)
in cycles.
until the mind dies.
recycled thoughts, (trigger things)
(they) recycle inside (again and again)
and they're stuck in a cycle
of recycling (emotions)
in cycles.
until the mind dies.
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Bridges of meteors.
Today was a GREAT day, until I told Kevin what Douglas did on Saturday. That got him pretty angry.. I really don't like anger.
Jamie likes my grafitti project! I'm definitley not going to give up. I don't know why I let people bring me down if they don't like my stuff. If you think about it, even things that many people like the most in the world, are hated by other people out there. It happens with everything, foods, movies, celebrities. Who cares if people hate my stuff? I love it so much...
:) I hope work is gonna go well tomorrow.
Jamie likes my grafitti project! I'm definitley not going to give up. I don't know why I let people bring me down if they don't like my stuff. If you think about it, even things that many people like the most in the world, are hated by other people out there. It happens with everything, foods, movies, celebrities. Who cares if people hate my stuff? I love it so much...
:) I hope work is gonna go well tomorrow.
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Memo #3
Tonight I realize the countless times that I've thought to myself...
I'm so hopeless.
I'm so hopeless.
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Loose papers.
I can't take this!!
I don't want a social life until I sort out my brain and organize my chaotic life that's completely drowning in ideas and plans.
Of course Kevin is an exception.
I don't want a social life until I sort out my brain and organize my chaotic life that's completely drowning in ideas and plans.
Of course Kevin is an exception.
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Angry uterus.
Cramps are attacking my uterus but I feel good nonetheless. I miss Kevin and my brain can be compared to scrambled eggs, but there's enough time to fix everything. I have so much I need to do, so much I want to do.. as overwhelming as it is, I'm really glad that I'm doing too many things rather than nothing at all. I think what I need is just some organization, healthier food intake, a little more exercise and positive friends.
I'm considering getting a scrapbook. Every day I write all these notes and ideas, plans and doodles all over loose pieces of paper on my desk. They're piling up! Maybe I should take advantage of being so full of hopes, ideas and ambitions. If Kevin were closer, I'd feel more relaxed about everything, but it's so hard on my own. I'm also stressed out - we have to start packing soon, but I really wanted to do grafitti around this area. Halloween is in a few days and I don't think I'll have time to finish a costume. I have library books out and a nove I started reading and I have little time to read them. I just can't wait until this next month is over and then I'll be able to breathe easier.
I'm planning on sticking to - or meeting - better friends who will keep me on track. Of course, I already have a few of those which I love, but for some reason Dominique inspires me to keep trying to accomplish things every day. I want to make a group of friends where everybody keeps each other going. I might have to reach out more than usual for this one.
I'm considering getting a scrapbook. Every day I write all these notes and ideas, plans and doodles all over loose pieces of paper on my desk. They're piling up! Maybe I should take advantage of being so full of hopes, ideas and ambitions. If Kevin were closer, I'd feel more relaxed about everything, but it's so hard on my own. I'm also stressed out - we have to start packing soon, but I really wanted to do grafitti around this area. Halloween is in a few days and I don't think I'll have time to finish a costume. I have library books out and a nove I started reading and I have little time to read them. I just can't wait until this next month is over and then I'll be able to breathe easier.
I'm planning on sticking to - or meeting - better friends who will keep me on track. Of course, I already have a few of those which I love, but for some reason Dominique inspires me to keep trying to accomplish things every day. I want to make a group of friends where everybody keeps each other going. I might have to reach out more than usual for this one.
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Animals without purpose.
I have so much on my mind. There's so much I have to do that I know don't where to begin and I don't end up doing anything sometimes. I wish I could organize my thoughts.. but I can't.
Today I visited Jenni and her new house. We explored the paths behind the houses and ended up at this path with scattered animal parts, legs and heads. It was very creepy, I couldn't even tell what they were. There was one that looked like a donkey's head, and another one that was much bigger which I couldn't figure out what it was, Jenni says it was a cow's head. Anyways, I took some disturbing photos of it , but I don't think I'm going to put it on my photo site! Although I got some other good shots that I liked today. I've also been getting compliments on my photos.. and it helps me not think about giving this up.
But seriously, I really wish my mind could just relax. I think it's getting worse.
Today I visited Jenni and her new house. We explored the paths behind the houses and ended up at this path with scattered animal parts, legs and heads. It was very creepy, I couldn't even tell what they were. There was one that looked like a donkey's head, and another one that was much bigger which I couldn't figure out what it was, Jenni says it was a cow's head. Anyways, I took some disturbing photos of it , but I don't think I'm going to put it on my photo site! Although I got some other good shots that I liked today. I've also been getting compliments on my photos.. and it helps me not think about giving this up.
But seriously, I really wish my mind could just relax. I think it's getting worse.
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Bruised thighs.
I'm not doing so well anymore. The more I climb, the more I fall. I'm better off being what I used to be.
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Memo #2
Maybe, just maybe the reason that I keep eating and eating is because I'm stressed?
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Wow.
You're so childish.
I think way back, you would show your amazing side 90% of the time.
I think now, you've almost destroyed it.
You won't be hearing from me again.
..and I want my mittens back asap.
I think way back, you would show your amazing side 90% of the time.
I think now, you've almost destroyed it.
You won't be hearing from me again.
..and I want my mittens back asap.
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Some people are ticking time bombs
I visited the library and took out three books. I also started reading my other book, finally! It's pretty good so far. I practiced some guitar and my fingers hurt. I got a lot better at that Explosions In The Sky song, Your Hand In Mine. I just can't play all the parts at once, so I'm excited for a partner. My days aren't long enough and I think once all my sleep is caught up, I should start waking up earlier. I also can't believe I let myself on that gore site again! I guess I just really like being reminded of how fragile my life is. It makes me appreciate it more.
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"massive two shits!"
I had such a good night! I went to visit Kevin and it was awesome. He looks the same still, but it was different from all our hangouts. A couple of years ago when we first started talking, it was mostly pathetic conversations such as sexual fantasies. Then the next year or so we would still talk a lot about sex, but in a more mature way I guess. Tonight, I don't think we talked about sex at all - completely. It's great. I feel like we're both different people, and I feel so good about myself that he still likes me even though I'm totally not as cute as I used to be. We went to an Irish restaurant/bar and ate some good food. After, we went to another bar (it was 21+ but they let us in anyways) and played some pool. I won two out of the four games! I was so fucking good, by luck of course. After that, some of his friends picked us up and then we went to Boston Pizza. The whole night I didn't drink any alcohol, although I didn't feel completely sober in the end, probably just the rush and mood of the night though.
I was worrying about bus times to get home, because I didn't know if the 2 would be running at like 1:30 a.m.! I was hoping Andrew could pick me up from Shoppers World... but he offered to pick me up from where I was already at. I was pretty surprised.. me and Andrew don't really hang out at all anymore, but he still did this for me. We decided we're going to have a pool night sometime soon. :)
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Edit: Oh and about the blog title... well basically, that's kind of the way that Kevin attempted to pronounce Massachusetts. It was cute though.
I was worrying about bus times to get home, because I didn't know if the 2 would be running at like 1:30 a.m.! I was hoping Andrew could pick me up from Shoppers World... but he offered to pick me up from where I was already at. I was pretty surprised.. me and Andrew don't really hang out at all anymore, but he still did this for me. We decided we're going to have a pool night sometime soon. :)
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Edit: Oh and about the blog title... well basically, that's kind of the way that Kevin attempted to pronounce Massachusetts. It was cute though.