AboutToday I am 19 and female. I'm one of those people who never gets bored. Trust me, it's not as good as it sounds.
Aug 24th, 2009 3:59 am - Subscribe
Well fuck that, I'd rather have a best friend over a boyfriend any day.
Aug 23rd, 2009 5:40 pm - Subscribe
Aug 22nd, 2009 1:46 am - Subscribe
Aug 21st, 2009 5:37 pm - Subscribe
Aug 20th, 2009 6:36 pm - Subscribe
I've almost figured it out, I think.
Aug 19th, 2009 5:53 pm - Subscribe
Aug 18th, 2009 5:36 pm - Subscribe
Edit: I had to change my time zone to Amsterdam for the time on my blog to match my city's time. Wtf! Someone should fix that.
Aug 17th, 2009 6:03 pm - Subscribe
I don't feel so well today.. It's kind of like last month I was a different person, and next month I'm going to be someone else too. I feel like I'm going downhill again. I stopped caring about so many things.
Aug 16th, 2009 5:15 pm - Subscribe
Ahhh I completely forgot the places that new music takes me! I've been having flashbacks like crazy, it's pretty enjoyable. I've forgotten so many things in my past, it's scary. I've always wanted to start some sort of memory book, to write down every memory I could ever remember. That way, when I'm older and the memories won't be in my mind anymore, they'll be on paper for me to read.
It's funny how fast time passes.
Aug 15th, 2009 6:20 pm - Subscribe
I had fun today. We went over to a friend's house to celebrate her mom's birthday. A bunch of us played this game that we haven't played in forever - somebody hides a certain amount of identical items on the ground and we have to find them in complete darkness. The loser, the last one remaining without an item (or in this case we played that there is enough items for all players to find, but one is the negative item and we don't know until the lights go on) has to do something that the other players agree on also. Each time we decided to make strange mixtures of drinks and foods and alcohol and the losers had to eat/drink it! I know it sounds childish, but I seriously had so much fun. It depresses me to think that if I keep growing, I will practically be banned from doing silly enjoyable things like this. Society doesn't think it's right.
I should head to bed, and I'm really hoping that tomorrow after work I get myself organized and plan out what to do with myself before I fall apart comepletely!
Aug 14th, 2009 5:51 pm - Subscribe
I noticed I'm always on the border. I'm either really positive about things, really negative about things, or both. I really just want to be on a stable road, because I know that if I do that, then I'll be more successful and happier in the long run. I don't really understand why it's so hard for me.
My buddy showed me a site with music stations. I mean, I've seen those before but he showed me one that I guess he liked. There was one with space music! It was some sort of electronica. I made him play it and it was exactly how I expected - the type of music that reminds me of that dream. It felt really new to feel the same feelings again, because I realized that as I get older, it's a lot harder for me to get to all these places in my mind, especially when it comes to old memories, dreams and thoughts - such as thoughts about death.
I often wish I hadn't gotten so caught up with my social life and all that...
Aug 13th, 2009 4:37 pm - Subscribe
I haven't spent so much time in front of a computer in a while. I feel so numb because of it. I hardly feel any ambition to leave my house at all.
I feel so bored with most people around me. I want something new. I hate these same routines, and these people.. they never change.
Fuck, I miss my short hair. I can't give in though. If I cut it again, it's going to take so much longer to grow back, and Jen was already laughing at my hair for not growing. Maybe tomorrow I won't stay at home all day.. I haven't decided yet.
Aug 12th, 2009 7:09 pm - Subscribe
Anyways, I spent majority of the day working on my photography portfolio. I'm happy with it! It inspires me to take some really good photos soon, because I really haven't been taking many at all. I don't know why I have no ambition really. This is certainly a unique summer, and the older I get, the more I seem to drift away from knowing who I really am.
I went to Brett's house tonight to watch a movie. The reason I went was because I knew I wouldn't let anything happen this time. I think what happened before was sort of a slip-up and I know I could get back on track. I'm always going to be obsessive and self-conscious about my flaws, but I can't do anything about them and I have to keep going. I can't keep self-destructing like I do. It's pathetic. It gets me absolutely nowhere, and it's the same thing over and over. I think about problems, get sad over them, get stupid, regret what I do, tell myself to get off the ground and then I feel better. This happens pretty much on the weekly. I most definitely am a hazard to myself.
I realized today (or lately) just how much I missed doing things not my way. Even something simple like nice to somebody I'm not usually nice to, or, being rude to someone who annoys me but I could never tell it to their face. Maybe even tonight, saying those things I said to Brett. I can't tell if being like this is really me and I've just been keeping well to myself, or if these attempts are at being something I'm not. No matter how I act and around who I act it, I can't figure out when I'm being sincerely me and when I'm not. It's become this annoying puzzle.. God I can't stand it. I can't stand being a different person around different people. I can't stand wanting to be a certain person but not being able to be. I can't stand being a certain person but not wanting to be.
Well, maybe I'm just hungry.
Aug 11th, 2009 5:33 pm - Subscribe
my mind sailing skies, time lines
places i've never even been,
though impossible to track down,
it still whispers to me
so i sit and await the return,
Aug 11th, 2009 4:18 pm - Subscribe
Why is it so hard to be happy when I have everything I need? I have more than I need. I often dwell on my flaws, problems, goals and always compare my life to other people. I know I have everything, but compared to them, I've got absolutely nothing.
What gives someone's life real meaning anyways? That's one thing I can't find out, because I have a feeling that even if I end up having more of the things I want - my problems fixed, my goals achieved - then I'll still be unhappy. I know that ultimately, that's not what life is about.
I don't really know what to do to be happy..
Aug 10th, 2009 5:07 pm - Subscribe
If growing up means being more like you, then I think I'll pass. Just because my make-up and hair were different last year, doesn't mean I'm more "mature" now. The simple truth is: my style has changed. That's something I like. Change. It doesn't mean I think my old style was childish. It means I don't like the same thing for a long period of time.
I look at all these adults around me and many of them seem like they've faded. They aren't doing much with themselves, they're uneventful, unexpressed, and I don't know about you but I'm pretty damn sure that kids are happier than adults, laugh more than adults, accept the world better and just see it all in a different perspective.
So why the fuck do I have to grow up? I don't want to. I like doing silly things, I like blowing bubbles (they never lose their beauty), I like drawing pictures especially with chalk (it's just a different type of medium and canvas really), I love dancing in my underwear (it's amazing), and I love nutella.
If growing up and being 'mature' means I can't do the things I love, then please, I'd like to remain a kid forever. Liking fun things doesn't disallow me from having mature thoughts and from being more responsible.
So please, stop trying to prove you're so much more grown up than me when in reality you just try really hard to be boring.
Aug 9th, 2009 11:46 am - Subscribe
I feel a lot better today! I went out to buy a few things I needed (yes I can't stop spending money!) and I attracted some attention from a few boys in their cars, and also while walking. One guy called me a BEAUTY! And another said that I look really fine today. Although, I was wearing my shades and short shorts.. but it made me feel good anyways. I'm excited to have this week off, and finally take some photos! I feel so cozy in my room with the computer here and all.. I can't stop dancing lately.
Aug 8th, 2009 3:59 am - Subscribe
..and so he goes for my window.
I had so much circling my mind last night and it got me really upset. I didn't even have a reason to be so depressed, but I convinced myself somehow. I actually cut myself, and I feel pretty lame about that. I haven't done that in a while.
I should really get myself together.
Aug 7th, 2009 4:50 pm - Subscribe
I feel like shit. I haven't been doing much lately, and it just gets me thinking. It makes me think about what my friends think of me. I don't think I cared too much about them, maybe that's why I can't keep friends. Maybe it's true what they said: I only think about myself.
Actually, that's not true. I think about other people constantly.. but I guess the difference is that I don't show it, or act on it. I don't even know. More and more I figure out things people see in me, or see me as, and I don't even see these things myself. Maybe I don't pay attention to myself. I don't think I'm a good friend really. Even when I try really hard to get closer to people, it falls apart eventually. It's like it's too much effort for me to be that person. It's too much effort for me to be good; I'm just fucked up by default.
I'm reading Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac. I like it so far, but it's also really sad thinking about how everything in life is basically a memory. What can you do with memories, really.. They're something that only the owner has use for, and not only that, but they fade over time. I hate the idea of my memories disappearing like that. I hate the idea of dying.
Fuck these routines, standards, and people.
I'd rather be alone, it's comfortable..
I went to Timothy's house tonight to watch a movie. He's one of those people I see once every few months. I think one of the reasons I still hang out with him sometimes is because he's so NORMAL. He hasn't really changed in all the time I've known him, and I just feel like I don't have to try hard around him. I like the mood in his house, it's so much more different than mine. I don't know why but I like his parents. I like parents who can speak proper English - parents who aren't foreign. That's something I've always wanted. I can't really talk to my parents.. I get so jealous of my friends' families. I wonder how different my life would have been..
Aug 6th, 2009 5:57 pm - Subscribe
God I hate the people here.
I want to be in Toronto.. there's so many people there, I know I'd find people who fit my taste.
Aug 5th, 2009 3:20 pm - Subscribe
I remember during exam times, I was SO fucking excited for summertime to finally come. I had so many goals and ideas for the summer, but now that it's here.. I feel different. It's already more than halfway through and I haven't accomplished absolutely anything. I'm disappointed in myself, but I can't change anything.. I have to make sure this month makes up for it. I did make a cute cellphone case today though. I cut out a spaceship from an old t-shirt which I've only worn once.
I'm kind of getting annoyed with Scuzzy. This is the third time that he's ditched, and in all the three times he's ignored my texts. He's a cool guy and all, but more and more I'm starting to realize all these little things about him which I don't like, and it kind of pulls me away from him. I guess I really don't care.
Aug 4th, 2009 3:02 pm - Subscribe
It fucking gets on my nerves. There's a lot of people I don't want to let go of but sometimes I unintentionally ruin it and then dwell over it, mad at myself. I guess this is another thing I should fix about myself. Wow, I could really make a big list of my flaws.
I'm in my underwear.
I feel like I have to meet new friends. I've felt like this for years though. I'm happy that I'm slowly achieving that though. Every now and then I find someone who I actually keep as a friend, and it's even more amazing when it's a girl. I need more girl friends.. I realized lately how much I've been lacking.
Today I drew a picture of a bronze goddess. She is naked and dark-skinned but she has blue eyes and really long duo-toned hair. I was reading through my old entries and it made me miss Douglas. I know he's a jerk and I know I really hate him, but I also like him.
Aug 3rd, 2009 4:04 pm - Subscribe
Basically, I'm starting over because it's come to the point where I want to seriously express myself. I don't just want drama blogs anymore.
This past month has been pretty fucked up for me. It's not how I imagined it would be. I keep shifting from friends to friends.
I finally started taking control of myself. I finally started rejecting boys when they hinted that they wanted to fuck me. I finally started turning them down in the most subtle of ways, and I didn't really give a fuck. I felt like I was growing, and I felt like I was becoming something that's worth a price. Something that doesn't give itself away, because if you give yourself away for absolutely no cost, then you're choosing to be dead. After months and months of mistakes and struggles, I finally felt like I bloomed. I finally felt like I've overcome that long journey of being a caterpillar - and that I've simply been a late bloomer - and finally turned into a [beautiful] butterfly.
...until I lost those wings.
I made the mistake of hanging out with Brett. My intentions were to be a friend. The first two times I saw him, we were good. I was good. I told him to be good. Over a week ago (the third time) we were watching TV and cuddling. Something about the position we were in started turning me on (not very surprising) and that's how it always begins. I hadn't lost all my dignity then - I only let him finger me.
Tonight was what brought me back. I went over to his place again, and the same routine followed. This time we ended up having sex.
Words can't describe the familiar feeling that followed afterwards. I'd almost forgotten what it feels like - I didn't think I'd feel it again.. but who was I kidding? "People never change." It's a feeling of regret, disappointment, confusion, and to an extent shock. I can't believe how disgusting I am. It's as if everything I want to become is a written script of some sort of play. It's a play that won't make it to a stage, because I'm the only one who can act the part. The problem is, I'm a terrible actor. I'm never going to become this person. I'm starting to think that I've created some sort of alternate reality, where the person I am is a complete figment of my imagination.
In a way I guess that's true, because every moment that I've realized who I really am, was a moment where my self-hatred grew and grew.. and like a plant, it grows and grows.
Apr 26th, 2009 12:19 pm - Subscribe
Oh and 2 days ago, Jimmy was pretty honest with me. Yeah.. out of all people.
Jim: "btw my bad i deleted ur commentt...i've just been talking to some other girl a lot lately and i dont want her to come to ne of her own conclusions:P" (bullshit?)
"and to be honest...im not trying to be rude or nething but i dont think "my creww" thinks that highly of u"
"u cant really blame ppl for that thoo..u attract alot of attention on urself"
"lol well going aroundd tellin ppl how many dicks u've sucked isnt gunna help ahahah"
"im not trying to insult u or nething...and i was only laughing cuzz like i dont give a fuckk personally lol"
Yeah I left out a lot of things, but that's the jist of it.
Apr 23rd, 2009 6:34 pm - Subscribe
I hate thinking about how insignificant everything, or everyone else around me is... to me. It's really scary, looking at my list of "online friends".. and thinking about how they're all just like me, and how they will all be gone one day.
Thinking about how fragile I am, and they are, makes me care less about losing friends. Every person is going to die. I can't fucking BELIEVING how much I let myself get pulled into this superficial world that we've altogether created and make our home.
I wanna live in reality.. not in this shitbox. Why is it so hard to remind myself of what's real? It's all around me.
Now that I think back to it.. I realize that I used to be a lot more closer to what's real. I remember driving in cars and bringing myself out of this "unrealistic society" and seeing the world through true eyes. I would also do it in the house.. and it was amazing, because I would go so deep, that I would feel like I was light years away from my mother standing in front of me.. and I'd stare at her, wondering, why she can't realize what I was realizing at the moment.
I also remember thinking about it during class, and bringing myself out into space and looking down at the tiny spec of a classroom... and wondering why we're all squeezed together into the size of a grape. It's not hard to find reality if you try to.. and I can't believe how fucking mindless the people around me are. Are they fucking ALIVE inside? They don't show any signs..
Apr 23rd, 2009 6:24 pm - Subscribe
I've only ever kept a concrete opinion on a few things.
This fucking ringing computer screen is getting on my nerves.
..and now it's silent.
I think this is just a reminder.. for myself, kind of.
What does that even mean? What's the difference between a friend and an aquiaintance? Because surely enough.. aquiaintances aren't the only ones who hate on you, and talk about you behind your back, and remove you out of their lives without giving you a reason.
I know there's a lot of people out there who don't like me, and that's fine.. because you don't know me, so I don't see why that should bother me. Remove me, block me.. whatever. It only proves to me that you're pretty much a bit illogical, for believing in rumours and stories told by your friends, and judging me based on that shit, instead of judging me based on who I really am.. which honestly, isn't something you can find out about a person unless you, personally know them.
I think that was a run-on sentence.
The point is, I'm really tired.. and I'm fucking tired of caring so much about all these "friends" who so lovingly shut me out. I just LOVE logging onto facebook and searching up my friends, only to find they're not on my list anymore.
It doesn't matter what happened in the past.
Fuck the convos, the hangouts, the shared moments, laughs..
You weren't my fucking friends. You guys knew it, and stupidly.. I didn't..
I can't really figure out if I'm the fool for believing you guys were better than this..
So here it is.. a letter to myself, from myself, and well... let's hope the same mistakes don't find us.
Apr 22nd, 2009 4:16 pm - Subscribe
I can't stop thinking about my problems and I don't think that's something that will change. If I look at the big picture, I feel like I haven't done anything in this life. I can't stop thinking about death and how quickly it can come without me even being aware of it. I'm constantly reminding myself that I'm still existing and that I should be happy about that and make the most of it...
I can't stand constantly thinking about dying, and yet at the same time, thinking about all my downfalls and flaws and problems. It's kind of like jumping from freezing water to boiling hot water, all he time.. it kind of fucks you over too.
These TFMs are becoming a little more frequest, and as much as it's overwhelming.. I kind of like it. They remind me of all the things I've forgotten.. Important things.
I often think about what life used to be. When you're really young.. it's entirely different. You're invincible. You see the world in a whole other perspective. Understanding, knowing the truth, is somewhat of a curse if you think about it.
I kind of feel trapped.
Apr 20th, 2009 4:38 pm - Subscribe
..and I've also been having tonnes of memories of the days I used to go to shows, and the people.. It's pretty intense to be honest.
What I really wanted to write about was my emotions, I guess. I'll admit to myself that I feel like my feelings are a problem. I can get really hopeful and really happy, and think about the future and fixing up my whole life... and wondering about how maybe one day, I'll fix my flaws. I'll fix my problems. And I should live towards completing that goal.
..and then the next minute, when I look in a mirror or, any reminder of my flaws really.. I get really suicidal and hopeless and overwhelmed, sometimes to tears.
I can't even REMEMBER how long this cycle has been happening. I go through long depressed periods, then I forget about my problems for a while, and then I stay happy and social and try not to be reminded of them... Or some days I feel both at the exact same moment and I just feel, so fucked up.
How many people out there feel really happy and really depressed at the SAME time? I've always felt like that isn't normal.. although I know it's become a norm for me.
I don't know what I can do..
Apr 8th, 2009 12:40 pm - Subscribe
Hey, I'm Evan. I live life entirely for myself, but luckily I don't have to live BY myself<333! This means I'm very much so taken, by someone who accepts me for being the dreamer that I am. I'm not a virgin, but I AM abstinent... and will stay that way for as long as necessary. I've found that it's more important to have a story than an explanation.. ...
Wow. So I was so fucking right. Evan and Enya are fucking? What the fuck? He used to agree with me about how egocentric Enya is. What is this world coming to? And how the fuck is he abstinent? He only ever invited me over when I was up for sex, and the only time I did fuck him, he was all "..come over more often from now on." That was less than 2 months ago.
I need to clear my head and get rid of all these people who have been in my life!
I really want to find people who are more mature. My life's been all about drama and that's all I could ever find around here.
I think the first step would be getting my life together, regardless of all my flaws and problems. I can't just waste my only life away because I'm not perfect.
I don't know why it's so hard..
Apr 7th, 2009 2:39 pm - Subscribe
I have no idea what the fuck is up lately. Mike blocked me a few days ago.. and we didn't have an argument or anything. Then 2 days after, Evan removed me off facebook as well. Both of them ignored me when I asked them why. At first I thought that maybe Enya told them that I fucked Adam again when I was high? ...but that wouldn't be a big enough reason in my opinion. Maybe they just brought me up in a convo and started trash talking and decided they hate me?
Then I had my speculations that, since Enya has been hanging out with Evan a lot a smoking weed and probably doing other thing with him.. she probably told him that she knows I fucked him. ...but it still didn't make much sense.
Today I logged in and turns out Enya removed me. Oh, I wonder why? Unless she really DID have something to do with it. I'm going to assume she did, since I can't think of any other explanation for all this shit.
Now I need to get my camera back from her.
Feb 13th, 2009 11:13 pm - Subscribe
Feb 12th, 2009 7:23 pm - Subscribe
I don't even like them. I've dealt with being alone for so long, and I'm doing fine.
As much as he frustrates me, I don't think I should figure him out. I shouldn't care.
..but now I want to give into the snake.
Feb 8th, 2009 11:24 pm - Subscribe
Ah, but Jamie is a whole new story. I'll update tomorrow.
Feb 5th, 2009 1:24 pm - Subscribe
I was talking to Mike yesterday and he mentioned something about Donny spending all his money on weed, and I told him he's wrong because he quit smoking weed. So he kinda laughed at me and told me that I'm wrong.. and I'm gonna skip the details but he was very convincing, and so I asked Donny when the last time he smoked weed was. As usual, he got really mad and said something along the lines of, "Why do you keep fucking asking me? I told you I quit ages ago. I don't remember the last time I did it. Why don't you fucking trust me?" So yeah, I felt kinda bad for accusing him again and just hung out with him after all (which turned into sex) but I realized I didn't feel anything for him this time. I just look at him and see everything I hate. A depressing little boy who is just everything I DON'T want. I shouldn't have kissed him. They were the emptiest kisses I've given, well, almost.
Afterwards I got home and Adrian was online, and I asked Adrian if Donny smoked with him. He said he won't answer. I asked him why, and he said, "because it will ruin my friendship with him if you hear something you may not like". Now that suggests that he smoked weed after all!
I'm starting to think that he's just lying to me. I can't do this anymore.
Jan 29th, 2009 12:04 am - Subscribe
Hasn't he done this before? I don't even know what to think anymore. I think I'm through with him. Fuck, I'm just so disappointed... in myself really.
I felt bad today, but I ended up spending the day with Jamie. We had lots of pizza and went to the movies. He's a sweet guy.
..I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
Jan 28th, 2009 1:58 pm - Subscribe
I think that's the last time. If he didn't wanna hang out, he could have just said so.
Adrian comes online and is all "come over and watch a movie!". I figured it was about sex, so I answered saying "i don't know, i'm on my period."
Then he goes something like "ahh, shitty."
I'm just a big bunch of nothing to them. Fuck it. I don't give a shit anymore about these people. I don't need anything other than music, and that camera. I hope I get it sometime soon.
Jan 26th, 2009 9:33 pm - Subscribe
Everything stops in the end, for us human beings at least.
I'll sum up everything in a nutshell.
I didn't die on the plane. My summer was decent I suppose, but definitely not as fun as before considering we weren't all there.
School was okay, but I certainly didn't get the good grades I wanted to. Fuck my photography teacher.
Things are simply lately.. there's less drama, which is what I like. Me and Mike are friends, and so are me and Adrian. Ugh, I fucked Adrian as well. Twice. You should have seen the drama it caused with Donny. He doesn't even know it was him. Imagine finding out that the girl you like fucked your best friend behind your back?
I'm an idiot, and I don't understand how but every time I untie all the knots in my head, there's some sort of force that jumbles them up again. I can't stop thinking about Donny, even though I fucking hate him. Why do I feel things for a weed? I want to find a flower. I really do.
I'm so empty on the inside lately. I wanna fall in love, but I wanna disappear. I can't stand myself and I'm always losing hope, but there's always an inch of hope which I never seem to let go of. What if I let it go? I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I wasted everything. I just wanna stop. I should start drinking.
Jul 10th, 2008 1:59 pm - Subscribe
But I did think of a lot of new things about life.
So here in Poland, a lot of things have changed. I have seen a few faces which I remember from before (4 years ago).. and the shop lady, Ania, recognized me. Well, actually, she didn't, but she knew who I was after she heard me speaking English. There are so many new stores around here!! It's crazy.
Another funny thing, a few days ago I logged on and Adrian re-added me to facebook. Hah, I wonder why? I asked him and he still hasn't replied.
Jul 1st, 2008 11:28 am - Subscribe
And I don't wanna go on a plane.
Jun 23rd, 2008 1:00 pm - Subscribe
Jun 21st, 2008 10:28 am - Subscribe
"Where've ya been girl?
I miss you.
Pshhh. I don't think he understands that I'm angry at him. On top of that, I started messaging Cal yesterday since we never talk, and I asked him if he wanted to go to the plaza with me after. He said yes, and he went for a walk, and that he'd message me when he got back. I waited for ages and he never came back, and it was already 9:30 and getting dark so I said forget it. He always does that. I don't think he cares about what other people feel or think. I doubt he'll change. Whatever.
I don't care.
Jun 20th, 2008 11:28 am - Subscribe
"apperently, if i message you on facebook, you're allowed to see some of my info for one month.
so i'll message you here.
i still have absolutly no intention of talking to you, nor an ounce of interest.
so take your fucking act elsewhere.
...wow. Honestly, it's been almost 2 months.. and I did nothing wrong. I can't believe this.
Jun 19th, 2008 1:59 pm - Subscribe
I told her, since no one like that has added me yet, it's probably someone that I don't know. And well what do you know.. a few minutes ago, someone adds me to MSN. E-mail: email@example.com.
Gross display pictures, personal message says "horny". I asked him who he was, he said it was a secret, but that I know who he is? Ew, honestly, this person must have no life at all. At all. I blocked him.
Jun 19th, 2008 9:53 am - Subscribe
This is what pisses me off. People assume I fuck other people, and that's what I'm trying to change but clearly it isn't working. And then Donny started talking to me on MSN. He says 'i heard something about you. i heard you let Douggie finger you.' God. But it turns out it's from the same source - Jarett. Although I'm guessing Douggie must have told him something. Fuck!
I just told Donny that he did touch me there, but that it didn't lead to anything. But honestly, I'm kinda of angry at Douggie right now, for not messaging me, for ditching me, and for telling people things he shouldn't be saying. I'm tempted to cancel our hangout tomorrow, unless he's forgotten about it already.
I also did something I shouldn't have done! I messaged Mike on facebook. I just couldn't help myself, I miss talking to him. Here's my message:
'it's been so long! i miss you!! i know you won't reply, but i thought i'd let you know. i hope to see you again, probably not before i leave for the summer though. hope you're doing okay.'
He simply replied saying "im clean". I think that's supposed to be progress, considering he didn't reply to my previous message at all... but it's not enough progress to get him to talk to me before I leave. I guess I'll have to try again in September.
Jun 17th, 2008 9:24 pm - Subscribe
Considering I had a really terrible night last night, I'll try to make up for it tonight. Maybe I'll try some Yoga.
Jun 16th, 2008 11:08 am - Subscribe
What's really bothering me is the fact that I can't make up my mind on anything, especially the past. Even though that makes little sense, it's completely true. I can't really stand all these memories, and thinking about death.. and I really miss Mike sometime.
I think the good thing about what he did is that he kind of taught me to let go. Now that I can accept that he's gone, I don't have a hard time letting other people go, such as Adrian or Adam. In fact, I wouldn't mind letting everyone go. I feel like I need to go places, alone, and meet new people. People who are more mature.
Jun 14th, 2008 11:04 am - Subscribe
I still don't know what to think though, because he's been with 6 girls, and I know that's not a lot.. but like, he fucked Krystal. Sex is just some sort of pleasurable activity for him...
..and yet I can't stop thinking about what it would be like to fuck him, since he's into the hair pulling and ass smacking.. and choking. Those things are so fucking kinky. I remember when Adam did them. I think I need to think about things a little more.
Edit: My dad's being the biggest jerk ever today, I'm debating whether or not I should write him a father's day card for tomorrow..
Jun 13th, 2008 2:47 pm - Subscribe
We had a lot of conversations though, about a lot of topics. He's convinced that he could convert me and stop me from being straightedge. I'm not so sure about that.
Then I walked him home a little bit, and we sort of made out a little bit. Haha... :)
When I got home I messaged him saying "good night douggie!". And he replied saying something like, "matt. people i've kissed call me matt."
I have absolutely no idea where this is going, to be honest.
Jun 11th, 2008 9:43 am - Subscribe
Adrian: heyy, what's the beef??
Me: i think you know.
Adrian: not at all.
Me: thanks to you, mike thinks i'm a creeper.
Adrian: a creeper?! why because I told him about that day? not at all, he left that comment on my page just to get under your skin. he couldn't care less about you being a "creeper".
Me: k, whatever. it's not like we were really friends anyways.
Me: but honestly, i had myself believing you were better than that.
Adrian: i am.
I don't even think I'm going to reply to that.
Jun 10th, 2008 9:44 pm - Subscribe
Honestly, I can't take this. I hate being in groups, and if someone does this to me one more time, I'm gonna leave. It's just not my thing and they know that.
Anyways, this music's really got me thinking.
Jun 9th, 2008 8:04 pm - Subscribe
These feelings come from a lot of things, but for some reason, music somehow stores them so well, and it's just so euphoric, and at the same time so depressing. And I'm always well aware that once I start listening to the music more, all the feelings it gives me will fade away. I wish that didn't happen.
Anyways, I realized that for this reason, music is a pretty big part of life and remembering the past. I mean, without the past we can't truly understand the present. Once you hear old songs, or just amazing songs, you can really realize what's important in life, and how there's so much more to life than the things our society shows there are. I honestly can't even completely describe what the music does exactly, but let's just say it's one of the reasons why music is a huge part of my life.
I wish I didn't forget things like this. I mean, every morning it's kind of like I wake up and my mind is sort of "reset", to an extent of course. But so many days go by where I don't think about the past, the memories, the dreams and the thoughts about life and death, and I waste my days socializing or watching shows on television, etc. I need to stop wasting my life like that. Like they say, live each day like it's your last. Maybe I should write that quote in my room. It might not make a huge difference, but I'm sure it'll help me fix myself up, little by little.
Jun 9th, 2008 4:30 pm - Subscribe
Today in class, Mrs. S was talking about her father who passed away, and she even started to cry. But it made me think about things a bit more.
Honestly, I really can't stop thinking about Mike. I just don't understand how he could have been so nice to me and then just become a completely different person for no reason. I miss him, but I know that even if he decided to be my friend again, things wouldn't be the same. I just wish I could forget about him. Maybe I should meet some new people, once again.
P.S. I'm listening to some songs I found in the 'my received files' folder. They're from Mike.
Jun 8th, 2008 11:39 am - Subscribe
This means that Adrian told Mike about the whole creeping incident. Now he probably thinks I'm obsessed with him or that I'm a huge lurker. This could have been avoided if Donny just shut his fucking mouth.
Oh and I removed Adrian off my MSN as well. I'm through with this shit. These boys treat me like shit and I need to learn to let go.
Jun 7th, 2008 10:55 pm - Subscribe
I'm focusing more on my life and my future, but mostly just living for today. I like organizing my room again, and now that I have music in my room, I can create better memories. I'm starting to get over Mike and I stopped caring so much about Adam. I just don't really want to lose Adrian as a friend because he just seems the most real in my opinion, although, I don't know him too well yet.
Tomorrow I have a date with Douggie. He's the one who declared that it's a date. I have no idea how it's going to turn out considering we're both completely different people, and I can tell that he's getting frustrated by the fact that I'm straightedge. Oh, by the way, I think my eyebrow piercing is rejecting and I'm trying to decide whether or not I should take it out, or try to "save it".