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I don't understand myself sometimes. I confuse myself sometimes. I get lost in my thoughts because they are clouded and vague. I have been the type of person who lives for someone else's happiness. I've become the type of person who lives for my own happiness, with no regret towards the people I hurt to get that happiness. I've shamelessly broken hearts because the whim suited me. Because being single would make me happy. Because being in a relationship was too stressful and not my scene. It makes me a cold person. It makes me a heartless bitch to the people who end up hurt. I want to go to college. I want to get a job and forget about college. I want to be single. I want to be in love and be placed on a pedestal. My thoughts contradict themselves in all directions. I don't like to feel this way. It makes me feel depressed. I feel like the glass is half empty. Like I need to live off the love of people. I want to be an optimist again. I want to wake up in the morning and think "What can I do today that will please me and make me happy?" I want to be a bitch that knows what she wants, instead of these fickle whims that change from day to day. I want to know what I want again. |
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Wow. As I looked at my last entry I realized how PATHETIC I was, being all depressed like I had nothing better to do. I'm so glad I don't constantly live with those feelings, or I think I would hate myself. But, because people were kind enough to comment me and lift my spirits, I feel that it is my duty to thank each individually. emogirlie: Thank you for your input. It's always nice knowing that others are going through the same turmoils that you are. All we can do is live and hope it starts to make sense, right? meip3ng: For the most part, I am a very open person around my friends. I don't get depressed often anymore. And I'm always myself - I don't know how to be anything different. Thank you. mourir: TT^TT Thank you, Jane. What you said reminded me of your senior quote. :3 Because the only opinions that matter are the ones of my closest friends. Thank you for your words of comfort and advice. I quite enjoyed the mental hug, and I return it. mali: X3 Aww, you're so cute Emily. Thank you for making me smile and putting me in a better mood~. -hug- You're such a good friend. ;o; Speaking of friends, I have wonderful friends. I love them so much it seems impossible sometimes. Jane, Emily, and Anna are always looking out for me when I get upset. I'm sure that I'll be optimistic for a while before I feel depressed again. ^^ Thanks again to those who gave their input. It helped. |
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Mood: lovable Yaoi Fix: Nagi -sniffle- and Omi. ;o; Cuddling and having a pillow fight. Kyaaaa~ |