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Brandon S. Elam passed on last night at 11:37. He was a boy I went to school with. He had cancer, and he's been fighting it as long as he possibly could. Just sixteen years old and now he's gone. I want to say that life is so, so unfair. But I think that Brandon lived a much fuller life than I could ever imagine living. I saw him once or twice, and the times that I did he was more cheerful and optimistic than anyone I'd ever met before. To be so happy and know that you're going to die too young... That takes more courage and strength than I think most people can even hope of having. We try so hard not to die, sometimes we forget to appreciate life. Brandon didn't forget that, I don't think. There are so many things I wish I could say, but right now I'm just too upset to form the right words. His death just reinforces the fact that life can take people at such young ages. It scares me. Last year Brandon Withers died - only seventeen, and now Brandon Elam who's been fighting cancer for three years - who was only sixteen when he died. I can't think of anything else to say. The tears just won't stop flowing for a boy that I hardly knew. I'm glad that he's in a better place now. I'm glad he no longer has to feel pain. But he will always be remember for his vigorous fight against his disease. He will forever be revered by those who knew him at Porter Ridge. He fought a wonderful battle, and now he's chilling with angels as his reward. Or something like that. ♥ R.I.P. Brandon S. Elam ♥ |
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Due to decisions made by Nicole's parents, I won't be getting to see her until the summer. I was hoping for a December visit, but neither of her parents felt comfortable with it. Nor did my mother, for that matter. Her parents still haven't given a final okay on my being able to come. But I hope that they cave and let me come to visit. It means so much to me. And to Nicole. I know she's upset about it, and although I know it's probably better that we wait a while longer, I want her to be happy. But that would mean I need to be there. But I can't yet. And just... It's difficult to see her sad and not be able to remedy the reason for it. All I can do is just try to make her smile and put her in a good mood. Feeling so helpless is weird for me. I'm not used to it. I suppose it comes from the distance between Nicole and myself. It's hard not to be able to see her face to face every day. I want to be able to so desperately. I've never been so willing to wait on someone. It's crazy. It's not logical. But for some reason I can't keep myself from doing it. I care about her so much. |
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I started getting sick two days ago. With what, I'm not sure, but I'm gathering from the symptoms that it's just a common cold. I didn't feel too bad on Wednesday, but it's been going downhill from there. Today I woke up feeling magnificently awful. I stayed home from work yesterday in hopes that by sleeping a lot I'd get better quicker. I wish I'd known that I'd feel worse today. I would have waited to take off. I took some 24-hour Sudafed thing which isn't working. But because it'll be in my system until midnight, I can't take anything else for the symptoms for fear of mixing meds that shouldn't be mixed. I hate being sick. I really don't like it. I have to go to work now, though. I've only had 4 hours of sleep, so I'll probably drink coffee today. |
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Apologies in advance for this entry being all over the place. I'm at work now and I'm feeling... Eh. Exhausted? That's not the word I'm looking for. Detached? Uninterested? Unresponsive? I don't know. I feel like a shell that's just cranking out work by instinct alone. Maybe I feel slightly mechanical? Maybe it's the medicine making me feel this way - holding me back from the brink of sleep. When I took the Sudafed last night, I was tired. Ten minutes after I took it, I was wide awake and wired until 4 something morning. And what little sleep I finally did get was full of tossing back and forth and strange dreams that I was somehow slightly awake for. I can't explain it. I felt almost delirious while I was sleeping. Maybe I had a fever? I just don't know. I don't want to think. I think I'll stay away from Sudafed after this. Just to be safe, since it could be causing this strange state of being. It can't just be lack of sleep. I feel nauseous. And that word doesn't look like it's spelled correctly, but it is. The office is cold - freezing. I wish I'd dressed in layers. My fingers ache from the cold in their joints. Heh, I sound like and olby whining like this. I'm glad that Nicole doesn't mind my whining. I really am. She makes me so happy, really - she's so sweet to me. I sometimes feel as though life wouldn't be kind enough to give me such good fortune. But maybe I did something right to deserve Nicole. Just maybe. And I'm so glad that she likes me. It would have been awkward if she hadn't. One-sided crushes are never a fun thing, honestly. I know that I would have eventually given up if she hadn't felt the same towards me. But as it turns out, I was lucky in liking her and confessing. She never would have made the first move, so it's good that I have a little more initiative than her in some things. What all is there to stay? Nicole is simply... One of the best things that has happened to me in a long time. I don't want to get sappy about it, but I really feel so lucky to have met her. Gaia will always hold importance for me because of that. If not for Gaia and its silly events, I never would have met and talked to her. I'm a lucky cunt that she decided to come back and post in my thread after having left it. I at first figured she was just a "post and leave" kind of person. And at the time, she was. But she came back a while later. Good thing, too. <3 Something about her made me want to stop being whimsical about relationships. My mother, who is opposed to my being a lesbian, even seems to like Nicole. She doesn't fight me on the subject. She doesn't scoff or roll her eyes when I smile and giggle and get giddy about Nicole. She teases me about it, which means she must be somewhat comfortable. All I can hope for is that my mom will gradually accept me for who and what I am, and accept Nicole as the person that I am 100% interested in right now. That's the best that I can hope for. I've already asked so much of her by coming out. I'm sorry that this entry is probably getting pretty long, or going to get pretty long. But I need to keep my mind working so that I'm not just going through the day without really thinking. I'll make mistakes on my work, and I can't afford those. I think coffee is helping me stay awake. And I ate lunch, so that definitely helped to give me a boost of energy. I'm not in such a weird mood now, which is definitely a good thing. I'm talking to one of Nicole's friends that she introduced me to. ^^ I'm really excited, because she approves of me for Nicole and everything. x3 Always exciting to get that kind of thing. And I'm waiting for Nicole to get on. o: Haven't seen her yet - she's probably still sleeping. Eck. I'm starting to lose my voice. D: Sucks so bad. Hopefully it'll get better before it gets worse. Hopefully. Just two more hours of work. Thank everything that is good and wonderful. <3 Now that I'm somewhat back to my normal self, my work is becoming tiresome. And I have a headache but no medicine to take for it. I need to carry my Excedrin around for times like these. I think... My eyesight is a little whacked, now. Xx I keep seeing pink in my letters, amidst the black font. Weird. Eck. I need sleep. Eeeee. Nicole is online. ^^ So I'm going to draw this entry to a close so that I can talk to her and stuff. |