Hopeless [09.13.2007]
Date: Sep 13th, 2007 11:14:58 am - Subscribe
Mood: wishful
Yaoi Fix: None. Just... Nicole.
I feel completely and utterly hopeless as of a few days ago.
I haven't gotten the butterfly effect in my stomach since Junior year of high school with Holly, my ex.
I've been so happy being free and boundless of commitment. I haven't wanted to tie myself down in such a long time, before I even dated Holly. I've been whimsical and flighty with relationships, never wanting to stay confined to them.
But for the first time in years, I want to make a commitment to someone. I want to be tied down to one person. I don't want to run away from a relationship.
I realized it a few days ago, when my mother mentioned to me that every time I talked to my friend Nicole, I was all smiles and never a frown. I was told I was practically glowing.
I'm such an easy read when I crush for someone.
I like her so much. It's not love yet. It's too early for that. But it's enough of a basis for a relationship.
My feelings aren't one-sided.
I confessed to her a day or so ago, because I felt wrong not telling her. What kind of friend would I be to not reveal such a crucial truth?
She told me that if we lived closer to each other, she would definitely want to take the risk of forming a relationship with me.
But therein lies our biggest obstacle. She lives in Alaska.
I live in North Carolina.
That's nearly 4500 miles. To get there by car, it would take roughly 75 to 76 hours.
She doesn't want to put me through the pain of long distance. I don't want to put her through the pain of long distance.
What is there to do when you and a person care for each other?
There a planes that go between, but it would be expensive to do that.
I'm feeling hopeless.
---
It's been a short forever since I posted on Aeonity.
I forgot about it during school, once it was blocked via to the servers.
A lot has happened since then.
I came to the realization that I'm not bi, but rather completely and totally gay.
I came out to my brother and mom.
I came out to my school.
I graduated.
I didn't enter into college with everyone else I knew. I'm waiting until January.
I've got a job, and I'm working full time.
I fell out with Emily. We are no longer friends.
I didn't move out of my house after graduation.
I miss Jane since she went off to college.
I met Nicole, and we hit it off so well.
That's it, in a nutshell.
For those who don't know me, and those who don't remember, my introduction is in my profile.
~Jellyfish.
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